Did all that.

Was a lonely weekend without the kids. Kept busy for the most part.

No contact (except essential kids info) since last Wednesday. Wife says "too ill to go to MC at the moment."

She hasn't been going to abuse therapy either for weeks now.

Kids came home early because they were bored!

Neil.

Hi Guys, Argh another Vent...

You would think I've been hurt enough now wouldn't you but more **** comes crawling out of the woodwork.

On August 31st WW had arranged a day at Blue Water Shopping Mall (a huge Mall akin to several Macy's end to end) . It was a Saturday and she was "really" looking forward to it. Her words were that she was visiting two college friends there that she was studying English Literature with.

The night before was one of the "can't do this, you haven't supported me" cutting & drinking nights.

Well she called and told me friend one in the morning was a no-show but she had a nice time shoopping with the 2nd and having coffee.

I replied that I was sorry that she felt she couldn't continue. That was a bad move because she started on me for upssetting her and making her cry in front of friend 2.

Then she said that she was too upset to come home and that she would stay with this friend overnight at her place. She came back the following morning (and started on me) again.

Last night Friend number 2 emails WW to ask when are they going to "Blue Water" as they haven't arranged a date yet! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WS's email is shut down so it bounces into mine.

So I did some snooping back over the receipts etc and yes two people were at Blue Water, but then there was also Hotel accomodation and a bottle of wine purchased...

Once more I am played for the fool. This sort of stuff is just breaking me, Harley was right about slipping into Plan B and starting to no longer care. Thats what is happening right now. I am beginning to no longer care at all.

Every attempt at reconciliation in my Plan A was rejected, now this, so my Plan B is firm and I see now what Harley was on about.

Ever onward. Neil.

Your M is probably going to hurt until you stop caring and that is happening slowly but, surely.

Can you honestly say you were surprised?? I doubt it. A little taken aback, but not shocked. You are hurt, angry and frustrated. All of us here understand that! She lied to you and keeps on lying. If you are anything like I was, you want no more surprises. You want to just get on with your life, to heal and the surprises have a way of pushing recovery further back!

I wish I had the 'magic answer' for you. All I can suggest is that you adopt an apathetic way of dealing with the surprises she dishes out. You really have to say to yourself, 'oh, there's a surprise!'(sarcastically, of course) You can say 'whatever' and try to let it go as quickly as you can. I really tried not to dwell on it after awhile of going through this. I'd acknowledge it and then make a conscious effort to let it go. This can only destroy and torment you if you let it!

Mgm, your views have been very valued by me thru this and I thank you for that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mgm:
<strong>Can you honestly say you were surprised?? I doubt it. A little taken aback, but not shocked.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No sadly not really. I have come to realise that a lot of what was going on was more lies and deceipt. I may now be in the process of thinking some of it but it ties in with the logic that OM2 can be there for her at the drop of a hat. Of course he can he doesn't do any real work and has nothing to offer long term. His job lets him bum around if needed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>You are hurt, angry and frustrated.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's bad is that I have letters stating undying love, total committment, total love to me no more than 8 weeks old. It's a crock quite frankly.

Is it the BS's lot to always remember the pain whereas the WS just can forget it? My WS has already forgotten the blood, the cutting, the drinking, the running and these letters... now it's Neil The Villain who is the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>If you are anything like I was, you want no more surprises. You want to just get on with your life, to heal and the surprises have a way of pushing recovery further back!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually the surprises do more to push recovery out of the window entirely, and DV is more attractive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>This can only destroy and torment you if you let it!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you are right. I have spent so long now trying to justify her behaviour, that it's a symptom and no more. You know what? I just don't know anymore and am going to try and stop.

Last night I had speaking to someone via email, a lady. I had guilt pangs about talk, I had worries about just emailing. My mind kept saying "what did you do wrong in your M to end up where you are now?", "It's going to happen again", and crap like that.

I had to say to myself "No, her parents set off a timebomb unknown to you so very long ago" and "What more could you have done?".

Then it dawned on me that I really am at the point that I cannot do anymore for her, and that it's not about my M. My M and Family is just a casualty in this as my WS is.

The prospect of a proper relationship had scared the crap out of me after 11 months of hell that I was really scared of even interacting with women. How sad is that? Is that really how low I have dropped?

Neil.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's bad is that I have letters stating undying love, total committment, total love to me no more than 8 weeks old. It's a crock quite frankly.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W is telling me those thing's now, but I dont trust her. I wish I new what needed to be done to break the barrier's down. To get the truth, and I mean the truth I can believe.

You talk about OM2 and that he can do thing's at a drop of the hat, well when you make no commitment's to anyone or anything you can do that. My W was never allowed that type of freedom, I tried to give my W freedom to do the thing's she wanted to do, but eventually she started to resent the fact that she would alway's have to come home.

Neil, I know this wont make your pain go away, but I believe you are on the road to your own recovery. I have not read to many success stories in this area, I am trying to prepare myself, and cover all the bases for what ever me and my W's outcome may be.

I am starting to believe that my W will never be able to recover as long as we are married, the type of freedom she need's will alway's have restiction's with me.

I dont feel as much pain as I used to, I hope your is dying.

Guy.

You haven't 'dropped low'! Come on, you know that's not true. You've been burnt, of course, you'll be a little fearful, who wouldn't. You have alot to offer a emtionally healthy and mature woman. Take all the time you need to heal from your M and when you're ready to date again, you'll know it.

Does it matter what your WW thinks about you (villian, tyrant....whatever!)? The only way it should matter is if she spills her twisted views over onto your kids. You have to realize her twisted comments aren't coming from a sane or healthy place. One can't reason with or justify the ideology of a 'nut'.

Remember what I said, make a conscious effort to not let her hurt her. You literally have to talk to yourself! (....talk about 'nuts'! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). It's called being kind to yourself.

Hey MGM, thanks for dropping by.

Have been away from MB's for a few days to "take time out".

Kids are at their Gran's for the week which is good for them and good for me.

WW's abuse and persecution of me continues, I am such a bad person it's unreal. I had a tirade yesterday which was followed up with "would you still have me back?". I have no idea whats going on there in Fog Camp...

I didn't answer the question. In truth I replied how she had stated over and over how OM2 was there for her, she wanted to be with him, that I knew his agenda was different than hers (ie he wants her given time), and that I have been such a terrible husband, not caring and giving her support whilst she ran away, drank, tried to kill herself and of course slashed herself up. Not once has she iven any sign of reconciliation, flatly refusing my approaches to heal whilst in Plan A.

So as Steve H said I moved to Plan B, am moving my life forwards, DV is filed, I am feeling good about myself, am reclaiming the house, put up new lights (which for some reason is a HUGE LB for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), changed the car of hers for something that was cheaper (and of course faster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and begun to think about what I want from a future relationship with someone else. SO I am moving on. She doesn't seem very happy that I am doing this.

The verbal abuse just makes me feel slightly sad.

Neil.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche 911:
<strong>
WW's abuse and persecution of me continues, I am such a bad person it's unreal. I had a tirade yesterday which was followed up with "would you still have me back?". I have no idea whats going on there in Fog Camp....
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds to me like she doesn't realize you have totally/emotionally cut her out of your life. She still selfishly thinks your life revolves around her and her needs, that you still care and will still do anything for her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Porsche 911:
<strong>

So as Steve H said I moved to Plan B, am moving my life forwards, DV is filed, I am feeling good about myself, am reclaiming the house, put up new lights (which for some reason is a HUGE LB for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), changed the car of hers for something that was cheaper (and of course faster <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and begun to think about what I want from a future relationship with someone else. SO I am moving on. She doesn't seem very happy that I am doing this.

The verbal abuse just makes me feel slightly sad.

Neil.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm glad you are moving forward. This will make you happier as a person and moving forward will make you a better father! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If the new lights are really ugly, ie: with a beer brand on them then I can understand her complaint!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> If they are nice lights then her being upset about it is an attempt by her to control you and this whole situation. Won't comment on the car...since trading a perfectly good 'family vehicle' for something 'faster' is such a guy thing to do! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> As for her abuse, look at it this way. A sinking ship always makes lots of noise as it breaks apart and heads for the bottom.

Divorce petition arrived today so that's done, approved and off to court. Lawyer did a good job with the wording of such sensitive issues.

Neil.

So sorry. I know it's easy for me to say but, try and look at this as a new beginnning. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you to do with what you want. Why not go out with the kids and do something special for yourselves?

Hi Neil,
We know this is not easy for you, and it is not what you wanted. I know you still worry if it is the right thing, and wonder if there is a better way. I believe you are doing what must be done to protect your family, including yourself.

Someday she may come out of the fog and realize what is going on, but we don't know, and you can't live your life forever the way it was the last little while.

There are many that care about you, and are praying for you to heal. I believe you will be much happier a year from now than you are now. Set goals of how you want your life to be next year, and how you want your childrens lives to be, then work for it, and it will come. I believe in your ability to make it work.

SS

Thanks MGM & SS,

In fact I have already started setting goals for this year and next so that's good.

My STBX has also moved house a little further away so that is a blessing for me as I no longer have to drive past where she lives!

Neil.