Well...tonight I got home from work and my H told me he was going to look at his potential new place tonight and if he likes it, it is available end of October.

He then said that we need to get the legal separation going so we can sort out the money end of it..ie..child support, etc. so he knows what he has to live on. I asked him if he would like to wait a bit before taking that big step, for himself and our kids. I said it's a big step in only 8 weeks and it will mean alot of money that neither of us have right now to spend. He said forget a lawyer, he'll go to a mediator to save money (anyone out there know how a mediator works money wise and negotiation wise????Please help if you do).

He said he is going ahead with the place because this is what he wants. So..he leaves and my kids proceed to tell me that it's sharing a house with a lady he used to work with..shared kitchen, and laundry facilities, two bedrooms, etc of his own. He's already made plans..one bedroom will be his, one for our kids, and he's decided he'll have a fish tank there, etc. Now..this is so cozy as he must have been communicating with this lady to find out about this house and they don't even work at the same location any more.

She isn't physically his type at all(please no one out there get offended...she's a VERY large woman, and I am 5 ft tall, 105 pounds..he's never liked big women and that's why I don't know if I should be suspicious or not). I know they've gotten along but I'm actually shocked that she's told him about her place being available (her current tenant moves out at the end of the month ..apparently). Anyway, I must admit..I LB'd a bit because it was a shock to hear that it was someone from work, and I phoned and left a message on his cell phone that how 'cozy' the whole situation would be.

I know I shouldn't have done that!! Arrgghhh...help!!! comments????

Hi Kimmy....just read all of your post. I am so sorry you are going through this as i know well of the pain your feeling. I am new here also, all this started for me around the beginning of Aug. Your husband seems to be perfectly honest with you about his feelings, makes no sense why he is not admitting to the A. I asked my H right out if he was having an A, and he said yes. He also said I dont love you anymore, and there is nothing to work on, when i tried to tell him we need to try to fix our marriage for the sake of 17 years and our children. He agreed he would live here for the sake of the children, but nothing to this day has changed, he still feels the same towards me. I am doing plan a, and it sounds like you are doinng a way better job than me. Good for you, how did you get yourself going. I just cant get to fix myself and pick myself up like i need too. During the day, i am very sad, and just feel like there is no hope. When H comes home from work, we eat, then watch tv together (which i know he doesnt care if i am there or not) then he goes out for a couple of hours (for a coffee). It obviously makes him uncomfortable to spend time with me, so he is at home as little as possible. How old are your kids?, and do they know whats going on. Mine dont, which makes life a living hell. Have to pretend everyting is fine. Sounds like your doing a good plan A , I just cant seem to get into it for myself, like everyone here says i should. I am trying to meet husbands EN's though. I hope it helps, but i doubt it very much, he is so distant and withdrawn. I know i am not much help since i am in this only about 10 weeks now. I do know i am scared to death and cant beleive this is all happening to me, and i guess you feel the same way. Maybe your H will realize being onhis own, is not what its cracked up to be, and will realize he misses his married life with you, as I hope mine will too. Sorry i wasnt much help, just know I know what your going through, and its not fun...A/C0810

Well..I wish my husband still lived here because I would work Plan A to death then. The only opportunity I have to work Plan A with my H is when he is here with the kids when I work, or I can send 'nice' e-mail notes. If you love your husband and you want it to work out..please do Plan A. It does feel like you're doing absolutely everything and not getting anything in return, but hopefully it will slowly rub off on your H and he'll start to respond. Have you read the books "His Needs/Her Needs" and "How to Survive an Affair"? I read those books and I still don't know if he's having an A. But, the info is valuable no matter what. I have asked my H on many occasions if he's having an A, and he's denied it profusely for the whole 8 weeks he's been gone. He denies it to me and his family. I change my mind from one week to the next about it.

My kids are 11 and 9& 1/2 and they do know what's going on. My husband made the big 'announcement' to me one day, and 2 days later took each of the kids out separately (like they're going to a firing squad or something) and told them he was leaving. They are handling it quite well up to now, however my H gets lots of vacation time and the kids were on summer vacation so he saw them tons and I don't think it's really kicked in yet. I suspect it will soon as I start a new job at the end of the month which isn't nights or weekends so there will have to be some consistency in the schedule they see him.

My H was here tonight as I was at work and when I got home he'd been packing. He's still very keen to get his new life going and it just kills me. I had just the worst weekend and last night had to take a pill to get some sleep as I was a basket case. Tonight when I saw him he was just as sweet as pie and I did the plan A thing and was nice back. But, inside I'm a crumbling mess. I will continue with Plan A but the more he packs and takes out I know the harder it will get. And, it's not even like we're at the furniture stage yet, and we haven't done any changes to banking or insurance, etc, or the kid visitation thing. I've already lived through 2 months of hell and predict there'll be another 3 of hell at least while he packs up his stuff. I told him again today that I would love him to reconsider the rush to file for legal as I would welcome the opportunity to meet his needs and be a loving wife. He didn't respond. I feel very pessimistic about the future and I honestly feel that if he continues this fastrack it will end very quickly.

I thought that once my H got his own place, he would be lonely and realize what he'd given up. But, as seems to be the trend so far, he will be sharing this house and it's nice and the rent is cheap, and he has access to two bedrooms, his own bathroom, and only shares the kitchen and laundry facilities. He will probably eat with the girl from work, and if he doesn't want company he won't have to have it. Plus, he'll have somewhere for our kids to visit. To me it sounds like a marriage without the responsibility and pressure that goes with it. And, as he will have company, there goes my only hope of him being alone in an apartment, feeling forlorn. I don't think it will kick in for a long time. He doesn't miss me one iota and he misses the kids but even that's changed since he originally left. He used to cry when he left them and want to see them every day. Now he sometimes ever forgets to call and say good night (he does that if he's not here with them around bedtime). I just look at my kids and feel so sad. They don't have a clue that basically their dad has abandoned them.

So..you hang in there. I would really have liked my H to agree to stay while we tried to work through this, but he said 'he MUST go'. So..your H is agreeing to stay right now so work on it. I know what it's like to feel like there's no hope. It's awful. But, you must try while he's there. Keep in touch.

Hi Kimmy....thank you for your reply...Yes i guess i should be glad that my husband is still here, and i am for sure. The other day i felt like i needed to tell him to leave cause it was just so painful. I posted here and got replys not to do it, and i am now gonna plan a my brains out. Even though you H wont be alone in his new place, i dont think it can take the place of his loving wife and family. My H wanted to leave (and probably still does) when all this started. He recently said he feels like he is living in a phoney house with all this pretending going on. He said i really shouldnt be here. I convinced him otherwise.

I did start Zoloft a week ago, and hoping it kicks in soon (takes about 3 weeks). You should consider it. Everyone here is just great, alot of knowledgeable people. I myself am struggling through this, and need to be alot stronger to implement MB's theories. I am doing plan a, and am gonna check out the thread on plan a, cause i feel i need to be doing alot more than i am. I have addressed our marital problems and i am working hard to fix them. Does anyone beleive that the WH can see that there Wifes are working at trying to fix the problems that led to this mess. Sometimes i feel like in my WH mind, he is saying, there is no sense in trying , its over. Kimmy thanks again for your post to me, it really helps, you hang in there too..A/C0810

Well.. despite my thread subject line, I do now feel hopeless. I have had one of the worst emotionally draining and upsetting weeks so far, and it just keeps getting worse, as I knew it would. Last night my H was here with the kids as I was at this fundraising dinner with friends that had been booked for months. Didn't want to go as I was so depressed, but the ticket had already been paid for. Decided I should go and look really good too so H would see me looking good. Well..I looked good..went to the dinner. Had a crap time because I just couldn't enjoy it and to top it off there was an open bar. Well..I don't drink alot, so after 5 glasses of wine I was feeling a bit drunk.

When I got dropped home, I broke down with my H and hugged him and kissed his cheek and told him how much I loved him and missed him. It was awful as I totally cancelled out anything I've been able to achieve over the last couple of weeks..which is, playing it cool re Plan A. He didn't say anything bad back to me..just said "I know you do". Then he left.

This morning I woke up with a big hangover and just so mad at myself for doing it last night as it just reinforced to him how much I've fallen apart without him.

Then, my daughter informs me that the lady he will be sharing that house with has apparently kicked out her current tenant so my H can move in next week. Wasn't that just great to hear. I don't know if he tells me daughter that type of stuff as he knows she'll tell me (she's only 9) but he didn't tell my son (11), as I asked him. So...of course, one more stab through the heart. I still don't know if there's anything going on with them but even if it isn't...it might not just be happening yet. She obviously likes him and is eager for him to move in, and he obviously has been in contact with her. I can't imagine him having a PA with someone as large as her (remember...no offense to anyone large out there..this is just my husband's way..he's NEVER liked big women, and this women is big), but perhaps he's having a EA with her..I'm pretty positive about that.

I just feel sick. I've already lost weight and just keep losing more and more. I do have mild tranquilizers for sleeping, etc., so I don't need those. I just need some honesty.

Tonight I see H at our son's hockey practice and I am going to confront him. I'm sure he'll say no, but I am going to start worrying about my health soon and this stress and worrying is killing me. And, after last night's embarrassing scene, I just don't want to go through the weekend feeling so ill about it all.

I feel like driving to the lady's house and seeing if his car is there but I don't know if that would accomplish anything even if he was there as he could just say he was there working out the details of the place, and if there is NO A between them, I'll look more like a fool...input from anyone out there? Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and I am going to confront him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DON'T!!!

I'm probably too late... but confrontation will get you nowhere...

What do you hope to accomplish?

Think long and hard about what you are going to say and WHY. The WHY is very important. If it is to get him to change his mind... to prove you are right... to... anything about HIM... it is NOT advised.

Now, if what you are going to say to him is about your boundaries... or those of your children... then just put it in the best non-LB terms you can.

For example... He should be telling YOU about his housing arrangements... not using his 9-year old daughter as a go-between. If he can't tell you... then guess he needs to just keep quiet... but your little girl should not be in the middle of dad and mom... FOR ANY REASON!

The issue here is that YOU can only CONTROL you... your H is in control of H... and when you ask or confront him about certain issues... it can be construed as a 'control' issue. (Which is why he uses daughter as mouthpiece... it helps him "keep" control in a conflict-avoidance way)...

Have you read LoveBusters yet? Very eye-opening...

Good luck,
Cali

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 04:15 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

Yes, Cali. It's too late. I had to know so while my kids were at friends today I drove to the house. My H's car was outside and no one answered the door. Anyway, to make a long story short..it ended up once again backfiring on me. I called his cellphone to tell him I'd be to the house, seen his car, there was no answer so they were probably in bed together..you name it, I said it. Anyway, he called me back and he wasn't there because he'd been moving in stuff all day and helping her clean out her garage and take stuff to the nearby dump, and they had gone out to get a hamburger for lunch in her car. He and I had a long conversation on the phone and bottom line..I'm pretty confident they're not having an A. He said lots of things like did I really think he would bring his children somewhere where he was having an A, etc. etc. Very logical stuff that is too much to go into but I do believe him. Of course he asked me what I'd hoped to accomplish by doing that..just showing up unannounced and I said I was trying to get some kind of answers..closure, anything to make my mind calm down as I am worrying about myself now and it's the worry that he's betraying me with an A, and I needed to put it 'to rest' one way or the other.

Of course, Cali is right..it just made me seem like more of a wife he doesn't want. I did tell him though that he should have talked to me, not our daughter, and he said he had planned to. I said he's never interested in talking to me and every time I try to talk to him he just rolls his eyes and can't get out fast enough. I said that he should have probably figured out that by getting tidbits of info from our daughter that I would think the worst and it could have been avoided if he would have just talked to me himself. He then asked me if I had discussed this with my therapist. I said I was talking about alot of stuff with her. He said I should 'talk to her about the problems I'm having with him not being with me'. Gee...like I'm not doing that? He said that I should be dealing with it better and when I do stunts like I did today it freaks him out.

So, I ended up being the baddie again and he just reassured me that there is no future for us yet again. I feel worse now but I don't regret it. At least now I know there's nothing going on. I'm not saying in the future there wouldn't be, but at least now there isn't. He even said that the girl has offered for me to go there and see the place and talk to her, so she seems so great and wonderful and then there's me...the over-reacting emotional wife.

I asked him if he wanted to talk tonight then about his plans..ie..money, etc. and he said he couldn't because he was going to a bbq tonight. He has the kids tomorrow so he said maybe then. I said 'okay because there's alot of stuff to be worked out and you and I need to start talking about them'. He said he would, 'depending on where I started to take the conversation'. If it started going in a direction he didn't like, he would leave.

So..this is what I'm up against. Last weekend he told me he was going to a mediator right away and wanted to get things going. This week he is just barely agreeing to talk to me and still won't be open. But..he again said that he needs no therapy because he's 'fine'. He's now officially moving into the house next weekend. Will slowly move stuff in this week. So, he'll definitely want to rush the money/legal separation stuff as he'll want to get that going now.

My heart is so totally broken, and I absolutely know now that even if all the other people in the whole world loved me, this one man wouldn't. He has absolutely no interest in me and it's ripping me apart. I don't know how to start recovering. Even so..I feel so stupid as deep down in the pit of my stomach I still hold out hope. How do I get rid of that?? How do I start to recover if I can't totally let go? I know I should keep busy and do things for myself and I do keep busy but it doesn't help.

How does a man not have an A then, but just decide after 14 years of marriage that one day he doesn't love me any more and he is going to leave. There hasn't been one person yet who hasn't been shocked and devastated over us splitting up. Why is he the only one who doesn't love me? Why does everyone else feel we are an incredible couple? I know it's my husband's issues and baggage too..but all he sees is me. And, he never ever told me he was unhappy. He lied to me as he kept telling me he loved me and was happy. I don't know how to ever get him to open up his heart to me now.

Kimmy,
I am so sorry. What does he want you to do read his mind? I am so appalled by the selfishness he is displaying. The fact is that if he all these years lying to you that he loved you while really he was going crazy because you bought miracle whip than mayonaise then he isnt the man he pretended to be. I know that is doesnt make you feel better but what kind of shallow person can he be to lie day in and day out and then cowardly abandon you without regard. Plan A/Plan B have their merits but I know how sometimes you just feel the need to scream, yell, accuse, everything, anything to get through to the WS. Whether or not he is having an acutal affair is hard to determine. However he is virtually doing the same things WS do. Abandon, decieve, withdraw, anything to avoid working on his committment and serve his own selfish needs/wants. I am sorry to vent but I get so angry at this sort of horrific behavior. There is definitely more going on here. Maybe a midlife crisis, maybe an affair. He is making the worst mistake of his life right now. Take care of yourself and your kids. NO ONE deserves this treatment. Be good to yourself. Ill be praying for you.

ayslyne

(((((((kimmy1))))))...

Have you read any of the "OLD" posts by veterans around here? If I were you, I would... those posts are gems of information and will help give you some of the answers for which you are seeking...

Your H, A or not, and I wouldn't dismiss an A yet, is repeating the same script that ALL WSs say...

My DH "cared" for me, but no longer wanted to be WITH me. He ONLY wanted to CO-parent w/ me. The most painful statment of all: "I want to be with her." He loved me, but wasn't "in-love" with me.

I had some pluses on my side... H didn't leave for a few months... I knew the 'enemy'... He came 'clean' right away about the affair... We continued to be intimate... so he couldn't quite dismiss the connection we still had.

The biggest plus of all is that my H and I are Believers. We were not born-again at that point... but I knew right away that I had to renew my relationship with God through Christ in order to make it through. I had some great women 'prayer' partners. I read "Power of a Praying Wife." I asked him to start attending church with me again... and we were "lucky" to find a GREAT one... it took several months... but the message to H started to sink in... and he COULDN'T sever his Faith from what he was doing.

We were baptised on June 16, 2002... a year and a couple of months from d-day... and each month has brought me blessings as my H and I listen to God's Will for us and allow ourselves to be guided by Him.

I hope I haven't offended you by sharing this... but I really BELIEVE that it is when I put my Faith in Him and really gave Him my H and my marriage, that I found peace and the blessings started to roll in.

It is also important for you to know that I also accepted that His answer might be "no." That I had to understand that my marriage wasn't going to be restored just because I believed and prayed for it... I had to accept God's Will WHATEVER that meant... "Secrets of the Vine" was a tremendous LITTLE book that really spoke to me about finding God's purpose for my life.

"The Mastery of Love" is not a Christian book... but it and "The Four Agreements" helped me to understand my humanness and my need for control and why it was important for me to GIVE UP control over others and just focus on ME.

kimmy1... take the focus off your H... put the spotlight on you... believe me when I say that this will 'shake' your H up... when you no longer act in the way that is usual or say the things that are usual... you force him to be different to and cause change in your relationship... it is the "butterfly effect." Now is the time to find out who kimmy1 is and what caused her marriage to be like this...

...that IS NOT saying that you are to BLAME... but that we ALL have hurts in our soul that cause us to act a certain way... to hide... to not be authentic... to control... etc.

When you start to focus on that... on you... YOU WILL FIND YOUR PEACE AND YOUR CONTROL...

more hugs,
Cali

<small>[ September 21, 2002, 09:55 PM: Message edited by: Cali ]</small>

Yes..he is being very selfish and I keep wondering why I continue to love someone who has been treating me so badly. I spoke to him briefly tonight as he came to get our son for hockey, and I told him that he needs to start talking to me. I told him that we'll be in contact for at least another 10 years because of our kids, and it would be alot easier for us both if we could be honest with each other instead of this secrecy that does no good.

It's been a very depressing, overwhelming week and I hope this coming week is better. He has the kids all day tomorrow and then I work Monday night so he'll be here, and then Tuesday night is hockey again, then Wednesday night I work so he'll be here with the kids again, and I feel I can't get a break. It's much easier when there isn't so much contact..even if it's just picking up and dropping off...I still see him or we have to talk about the kids.

He doesn't even deserve someone telling him they love him because of how unfair he's been, and your example of 'buying miracle whip instead of mayonnaise' just about sums up all the dislikes he has of me. So pathetic.

I wish I could let go. Why is it so hard to let go.

Cali. I already have faith in God and always pray. Of course, my prayers for the last 2 months have been one of questioning this, and what is the reason for it. I also ask for my H to be given guidance, as well as myself. I would love for my prayer to be answered, and my H to be back with me and our children as we need and love him, but I know that may not happen. However, I do ask for a sign as to why this is happening...must be a reason..don't know what yet.

My husband went to church with me during our marriage, but never really believed. He just went because I asked him to and he agreed it would be good for the kids. We taught pre-marriage courses for 6 years at church also (how ironic, and embarrassing that we taught those courses and he obviously didn't listen to anything he spoke about)and were involved in other things as well, but my H wouldn't be interested in going to church with me at this point, or even for himself. I know one of his friends who belongs to a different church was with him recently and starting quoting scripture about marriage, and it really turned my H off. So, I continue to pray, as do alot of my friends and family for us. That's all I can put my hope in right now.

A man giving his testamony in church today (special all-church breakfast)... said that we should not ask "Why?" but "What?" What does He want for us? What does he want us to learn? What do we need to do to follow His Will? His words struck a chord with me...

Also... be careful about being "right" and getting that 'self-righteous' feeling up... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't even deserve someone telling him they love him because of how unfair he's been, and your example of 'buying miracle whip instead of mayonnaise' just about sums up all the dislikes he has of me. So pathetic. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is a saying around here at MB... "You can be right. And you can be married. You can't always be both." The booby prize in life is being right... and I should know... I have spent my life being 'right,' proving my point, being 'in-control.' But, it almost cost me the man I love and my marriage.

Surviving an Affair is the hardest thing my H and I have ever done... he fought me every step of the way... BUT NOW... WE are REAPING the rewards and have a more authentic, alive relationship... Our eyes are WIDE OPEN and there are fewer ASSUMPTIONS... I am RADICALLY HONEST... and he is learning to practice CARE and PROTECTION... the man with little empathy for me last year (I investigated whether or not he was narcissistic even) is noticing me more and more... and taking CARE of me...

Keep posting... Keep positive... even last year this time I could not have predicted that we would be where we are emotionally... don't despair and give up... it's way too early...

Cali

Hi, Kimmy1 -
I've been following your posts since you first started writing here, but didn't feel like I could add anything more to what was being said. You've been getting a lot of good advice, and from people who have been there, done that, know where you're coming from.

But have you been really listening to that advice? And acting on it? From all your posts it seems to me that you are still focusing on your H and not looking into yourself. You are trying to fix him - and you can't do that. No one can, except him.

So I had to respond and second Cali's last post. You need to look inward, ask yourself what *you* did to contribute to his leaving. What could you have done to have made your H happier & more committed to M? And see it from your H's viewpoint - not yours. Because when you satisfy his EN's, it's what he considers most important and not you. And when you do that, then you can start focusing on yourself and how to make yourself a better person.

I'm not trivializing what he's doing, Kimmy, or trying to make you feel bad about yourself or say you're at fault. But it really does take 2 people to make a M and 2 people to break one.

Take care.

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

...thank you SH for chiming in...

but I had to clarify... it is NOT what you DID that CAUSED an affair... or caused him to leave... RATHER...

it is how you CONTRIBUTED to the marital ENVIRONMENT...

I really struggled with this... because D****IT I was NOT going to take the BLAME for his AFFAIR... it took some reading of the Harleys' books and some persuasive posters to HELP me understand the difference between accepting my responsibility for my half of the marriage and being blamed for his affair...

AND... I had been having instances whereby my "poor behavior" was being revealed to me... not by my H... but in totally UNRELATED seminars for work... I was very unhappy with myself and my temper. I had rage and anger issues (that I continue to work on). I discovered that where I used cooperation and assertiveness at work... I used power and aggression at home... I found I treated my friends and co-workers BETTER than my family... I really didn't like where I was... BUT you see... I had a husband who didn't act like a husband. I was the responsible one. He was the scoundrel... the cad... I had made myself Polly Perfect and he was Hagar the Horrible. We had stopped REALLY talking about 7 years ago when I was pregnant with son #2...

Sure we had a marriage that everyone envied and felt secure of... but like a fairytale... it was a cardboard facade... looked good to outsiders... but WE were really unhappy... In some of my early posts, I wondered that it wasn't I that had the AFFAIR... after all... I WAS THE RESPONSIBLE ONE... I WAS THE ONE WHO DID EVERYTHING... I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS TIRED...

The whole process of surviving an affair and recovery is much like taking away the peel of an onion... small layers are stripped away revealing thoughts and feelings... actions... and yet you don't seem to be making much progress... it is so slow... you learn to reveal yourself and become authentic and how to "hold onto yourself," to soothe yourself... to be strong, yet vulnerable... as layer after layer of yourself and your relationship is peeled away...

you post... you read... to learn... you cry... you rejoice... and you becomes STRONG and learn how to steer your own boat... because marriage is not about being in the same boat... but two boats side by side learning to go in the same direction together... each person steering their own boat... (no backseat driving allowed)...

Cali

Cali/SH94: Believe me when I say that I have already told my H how I contributed to his leaving. I've acknowledged that I obviously have behavior that he didn't like and I have offered to change/work on that behavior. That's why I've been going to therapy/reading books, talking to people, analyzing my behavior over and over. BUT..how do you get to show your H you can change when he's not here and isn't willing to even give you a chance to meet his ENs? I have already accepted half of the blame and I've told him that many, many times. He isn't willing to give me a chance!

At the beginning of course I felt self righteous and offended, but that was just the beginning, when the shock and the hurt is being felt. Now, 9 weeks later, I've accepted my part in this marriage breakdown but my H won't even think of us trying again. So what do I do?! I feel as bad now as I did in the beginning. I want to show him my behavior has changed but when do I ever see him to do that? Once I stopped being confrontational and upset with him, our short conversations were better, but it never stopped him from wanting to continue on with his plan of ending our relationship and now he's moving next weekend and so it will just start everything in motion.

He just picked up the kids for the day and I'm just dying. I just want to be with them and him and prove to him how I can meet his needs. I just kept wishing he'd invite me along, but of course he didn't.

I know I have to get up tomorrow and get the kids ready for school, go to work, etc., and keep going, but I want a chance with my H and I'm not being given that chance.

kimmy1...

There are many stories here of men/women in the same position as you... that is why I suggested that you read some 'old' posts of veterans... when you read the recovery stories you start to formulate a plan and you have some hope with which to carry out the plan...

For example... lostva carried out a plan A... made her changes w/ her and her H NEVER being in contact for a year or so...

It CAN happen...

Plan A is Power

Who the Heck are You?

lostva

He came all the way back

These posts and more are on Notable Posts/Threads

Happy reading...
Cali

Cali. Read the notable posts you recommended and they are very inspiring stories. I think I've hit rock bottom now and I need to smarten up. I still feel that my husband will only see the new plan A 'me' as someone who has finally accepted and moved on (therefore making his guilt and separation easier in his mind) but you're right..I need to persevere and be more disciplined. He absolutely knows I want our marriage to work and I am willing to meet his needs (I don't even know what they are though..as I thought he was happy before so it's frustrating as I can't be with him to find out what his EN's are..how do you do that when they're gone? What I thought were his EN's obviously weren't or he wouldn't have left), so I guess I can't do anything else.

I went back to bed after my H left with the kids and didn't get up until lunch time. I feel like a blob and had plans for yesterday and today that I haven't done. I think I'm now so scared and depressed because I don't want my marriage to end and it seems to be.

I start a new job in one week and I need to get my act together or I'm going to be unable to focus. It will be hard as where I will be working my husband is well known as he works for the same company but at another location and so it will be difficult. Already at training days I've had people come up and say 'oooh..so your his wife' I just say yes and that's it. It's very sad.

Anyway, anyone who can,please keep replying to my thread.The replies are helping so much. No one who hasn't been left can know the pain that we all know. I need to focus on myself and I already knew that but am having a hard time doing it. I have no family in the area and I have lots of supportive friends but they just keep telling me to 'move on' and so often I don't even want to talk to them. Alot of my friends keep pushing me to get tough with the legal stuff too, which is also something I'm not ready for. So, like today when I really should go to a friend's to have company and 'talk'..I don't want to as I know they'll just keep telling me to 'forget him..move on' so instead I'm isolating myself.

I've only been on this website for 2 weeks and it's been so helpful. I find I log on constantly, looking for new threads to read and responses to mine, so I thank everyone out there. I am going to try really hard to start. Tonight when my H drops the kids home I'll just say hi and thanks..or whatever..nothing else. I know he'll talk about his moving at some point this week and what we need to figure out financially, etc, and that will be excrutiatingly hard for me to handle as it feels like the end of our life together, but I need to get through it or I'll blow everything. I haven't felt well because I've lost alot of weight and am tired and I can't blow this job. I need it for me and my kids.

QUESTION: Re my previous post, when my H brings the kids home tonight..should I ask him if he's interested in discussing his EN's, and where I failed to meet them in our marriage... OR..will this be an LB and I shouldn't mention anything about us at all..just be friendly and say goodbye. How about asking if he'd be interested in meeting me for coffee or something one day this week? Not to discuss us, just to have a friendly coffee? Because he's not living here, I'm kind of stuck as to how to 'show him the new me' What should I do? Looking for help before they come home later? Thank you!!

kimmy1...

If you haven't seen dr. for anxiety or depression... you might think about it... I went on Celexa for the first six months...

As for meeting his ENs... just 'listen' to what he is saying... I used what my H told me about why he wanted to leave the marriage... but basically for me, it wasn't about ENs at first... but about LBs. I was the MASTER of LoveBusting. When I read LoveBusting, I cried because I knew that I DID ALL OF THEM...

So the first order of my day was to stop... in DivorceBusting it is called doing 180s... doing the complete opposite of what is 'normal,' what you usually do...

Still saying "I love you?" Stop. etc.

I have MUCH to do today... but will check in later... you might post in General Questions as the traffic is much higher there... but still kinda slow on weekends.

Cali

Cali: I'm not on anti-depressants, but I do have mild valium pills that my dr. gave me to sleep and 'take the edge of' when I need them. I went to see her one week after H left as I thought I was having a breakdown and knew I needed help. She said she didn't want to give me anti-depressants yet as she wanted me to move through the process and 'feel the grief', etc., as she said I'm strong and she doesn't want my feelings blocked. Now I've had such a rough week I wish I had them but I know they take a few weeks to kick in so it's not like I could pop one and feel better right away anyway.

My H has been gone 9 & 1/2 weeks now and I can't believe I've 'survived' this long. I'm so heartbroken and I just wish I knew if he had any thoughts of me at all. I'm frustrated that after this long we're no further ahead, except I guess we are as we don't shout and argue every time we see each other now. I am trying to listen to his EN's, but hard to get a hint when he's not here. I'm not giving up, despite my telling everyone I'm letting go and leaving the ball in his court. I do not want to end my marriage unless I absolutely have to. After knowing each other 15 years and having two kids together, I can hang in for longer. I may be fooling myself that he will ever even feel for me again. He still insists there's nothing there, but if I end up being the fool, so be it. At least I'm not giving up yet.