L,

I am very proud of my son. He has always displayed courage in telling WH a thing of two. Believe me he is the only one who can get away with it. Once (WH was home), we had a disagreement (WH's fault). My son (3 at the time, stood between both of us and held his arms out a hand facing each of us. He turned to his dad and said "Daddy", then to me, "mommy both of you stop arguing". Then he turned to his dad again and said "Daddy you and me are mens and we are not supposed to yell at womens". I went up stairs (angry at WH), when my son came up to play match maker. It touched my heart and brought conviction upon WH. He eventually apologized.

As you said, never underestimate who God will use, whether big or small!

At times my son gets angry when he can't have his way and he will yell at me (like WH). Or I have to say things to him over and over and then threaten to spank him or spank him (I hate spanking him), then he complies. I make him apologize and repent before the Lord (my sister gets tickled when I do this). I also tell him that I will not allow anyone to speak to me in this manner. Could this be his way of acting out in his dad's absence. Did you encounter anything like this?

How long were you in Plan B? Did you find it to be easier or more difficult than Plan A. I am finding that I am focusing more on me and son.

How blessed you are,

WR

Originally posted by wisdom rules:
<strong>WR: I am very proud of my son. He has always displayed courage in telling WH a thing of two. Believe me he is the only one who can get away with it. Once (WH was home), we had a disagreement (WH's fault). My son (3 at the time, stood between both of us and held his arms out a hand facing each of us. He turned to his dad and said "Daddy", then to me, "mommy both of you stop arguing". Then he turned to his dad again and said "Daddy you and me are mens and we are not supposed to yell at womens". I went up stairs (angry at WH), when my son came up to play match maker. It touched my heart and brought conviction upon WH. He eventually apologized.

As you said, never underestimate who God will use, whether big or small!</strong>

L: How powerful those little ones can be! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<strong> WR: At times my son gets angry when he can't have his way and he will yell at me (like WH). Or I have to say things to him over and over and then threaten to spank him or spank him (I hate spanking him), then he complies. I make him apologize and repent before the Lord (my sister gets tickled when I do this). I also tell him that I will not allow anyone to speak to me in this manner. Could this be his way of acting out in his dad's absence. Did you encounter anything like this?</strong>

L: Not during the time the WS was gone but after he came home (while carrying on with the OW). My son would say stuff like "how come dad doesn't have to listen to you" or "how come dad doesn't have to do....." I would tell him good question, go ask your dad. Then dad had to explain why he allowed 'different standards' for himself. Touche' son!!!

<strong>WR: How long were you in Plan B? Did you find it to be easier or more difficult than Plan A. I am finding that I am focusing more on me and son. </strong>

d/d - Nov 22, 2000
Plan A - Jan 2001
Plan B - March 3, 2001
WS came home around 4/21/01
True recovery didn't hit until 6/24/02.
Still keep plan B in my pocket!

Being focused on you and your child is important. Also helps keep the reality of the situation in proper perspective.

Hugz,
L.

<small>[ September 23, 2002, 09:38 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hello L,

L: ...My son would say stuff like "how come dad doesn't have to listen to you" or "how come dad doesn't have to do....." I would tell him good question, go ask your dad. Then dad had to explain why he allowed 'different standards' for himself. Touche' son!!!

WR: Sometimes the BS will still cover for WS where the children are concerned. Continuing to enable A behavior. The burden for answering certain questions should be on the WS. I want to learn that I don't have to have an answer for everything.

WR

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wisdom rules:
<strong>WR: Sometimes the BS will still cover for WS where the children are concerned. Continuing to enable A behavior. The burden for answering certain questions should be on the WS. I want to learn that I don't have to have an answer for everything.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WR,
I think you just did. I direct our child's questions by saying "That is a good question. Your dad is the best one to answer it."

L.

L,

I just had a co-worker from another section of our building come to me and inquire about a rumor she'd overheard in the restroom. "That I was divorced/divorcing". I told her no that I wasn't divorced/divorcing, but that we were having some difficulty. I thanked her for coming to me. I told her that my marriage and family is very important to me. Isn't it amazing how rumors spread and grow.

This will help me to not share very sensitive information about my marriage and family with those that I work with and etc. I am believing that God will continue to help me in this area.

Have you ever had this happen to you.

WR

Rumors happen anyway. Now when it is about you, I would ask more questions. The fact that this person came to the source is good. You validated that this did not come from you so maybe she would be willing to divulge her source. Is she a spy for the OW? Hm...... Or did she see something? you will never know. You do have the right to ask. If she doesn't want to tell, say something like "I understand, you feel the need to protect the wrong person. I will need to remember that when you need similar info." Then just walk away.

JMHO, of course.
L.

L,

WH's OW is not in the same league as this woman. They are from 2 different worlds. I work in a different town than I live in. Those are great ideas to use when others close to WH pry and they often do. I feel like they are playing both ends, or know things and they want to see how much you know. It is almost as if you become an investigator.

In the past and present I don't think fast on my feet. Some people can come up with a quick, timely comeback. Me, I think of different things I could have said later. I wonderful if I will ever change.

WR

L,

WH called left me a voice mail message, asking me why I was having these people (reference child support) come to his job. I am not sure that he got served with papers by the sherrif or the sherrif attempted to serve the papers. He then said that I probably won&#8217;t call him back.

Well, I called him back and asked him what was he referring to. He stated something from public aid. I told him that that was for support for our son. So then he said that I am starting something and that he could play this game to. I could hardly get a word in, but I did say &#8220;you are and her name is Shawn&#8221; (he probably didn&#8217;t hear me). He mentioned something about his getting half of everything. He was irate, but didn&#8217;t do his usual cursing. I hung up on him.

I called him back to said this is about your son, your blood, not me and you. You should want to support your son&#8230;He referenced my order of protection and said that we are not supposed to be talking on the phone. Also said that I brought this on myself (the nerve of him). We both hung up. Why is it that I get nervous when I have to talk to him? This situation is an example of tough love, standing up for what is right. WH is a husband and a father and if he has to be made to be responsible then so be it.

I guess he is deep in the fog. No reality. Did he think I would just sit back and do nothing where his supporting our son is concerned. If WH would do so willingly it would have been better for everyone. He is feeling the consequences for his bad decisions. WH probably didn&#8217;t take to well to this information reaching his job. Blame the BS, after all WH has blamed me for everything else. This is pay day for WH, should I hold my breath to see if he&#8217;ll give us financial support!

WR

WR,

Now is the time to stand strong. Know he will be pulling one of his foggy WS tantrums. Don't give in. When you get weak and nervous have someone at your side with water and a shoulder to lean on. I used to tremble from those calls.

When the WS told me that we weren't suppose to talk, I reminded him I was not the one with the restriction he was. I was allowed to call him for matters pertaining to our child but if he couldn't deal with it that was his choice and I would then take it to the next level (never disclosed what that meant and wouldn't ever do so). Well my H knows that I don't bluff so he soon cooperated which made the OW quite angry. She had this need to control even me and when I pulled out of that stupid triangle she blew an OW hissy fit. That caused LBs to be heard 3 towns away. yea!!!!!

So plan you next stragetey. You are doing good.

take care,
L.

L: Now is the time to stand strong. Know he will be pulling one of his foggy WS tantrums. Don't give in. When you get weak and nervous have someone at your side with water and a shoulder to lean on. I used to tremble from those calls.

WR: It is nice to know that others experienced this nervousness. Thanks for being the one I leaned on when I posted to you. It is hard to prepare for these calls. I interesting to know if he was actually served with the support documents or not.

L: When the WS told me that we weren't suppose to talk, I reminded him I was not the one with the restriction he was. I was allowed to call him for matters pertaining to our child but if he couldn't deal with it that was his choice and I would then take it to the next level (never disclosed what that meant and wouldn't ever do so). Well my H knows that I don't bluff so he soon cooperated which made the OW quite angry. She had this need to control even me and when I pulled out of that stupid triangle she blew an OW hissy fit. That caused LBs to be heard 3 towns away. yea!!!!!

WS: THe WS wants to control everything during A. In your opinion do you think that they want the BS to fail or be overcome with grief and pain. When they are deep in the fog, they really don't care or have a conscious or are they just hiding from the truth? I should read some of the older posts from the WS.

L: So plan you next stragetey. You are doing good.

WR: I haven't a clue how to plan my next strategy. Did you ever rehearse in your mind what you'd say if faced with certain situations. Like what if the OW called, or WS wanted to come home. Did you set boundaries on what you'd require he do before that happened in order to assure that this type of thing never happened again. (I am sure you did). Was reconcilling frightening? I am thinking about the fact that we reconcilled and then he went right back and did the same thing over again or never stopped. I do recall our reconcilliation, although brief for the first few weeks was nice.

Did your romantic love for your FWS ever grow dormant when the A was in full swing. Like now, it doesn't bother me that he doesn't call much or that I've not seen him in a little while. I still love him but it's not like I am longing to be in an intimate embrace (hey that would be nice though).

L, can you give me a few tips on planning my next strategy. a few examples possibly of what you did would be great. The important thing is that I am not caught off guard (I guess).

I hope that you are having a great weekend. THanks for the encouragement.

WR

WR,

I have read your response and questions. I have to think about what you asked and get back to you with concise answers. I have a few chores to do today so it may be a while before I can get back, but I should be able to post a response by the end of the day (CA time).

I am glad you are not having as severe anxious moments as before. This stuff does heal over time but it is hard to help people see this at the beginning or even in the middle.

I personally got soooo tired of the back and forth stuff that I had to remove myself from that triangle and when I did, it felt good. Will explain about that more later.

take care,
L.

L,

Thanks. I will say that it is getting easier in some ways. It seems more and more people can't understand my stand. One of my sisters is trying to fix me up with someone. She told them that I am single. I don't need any added drama.

Do you think the WS would even care if the BS would date or do as the WS have done, or do they have confidence in the BS that they will always want the WS back and will wait until they get this A out of their system?

Hey, I have just added another question. (smile)

WR

Originally posted by wisdom rules:
<strong>WR: THe WS wants to control everything during A. In your opinion do you think that they want the BS to fail or be overcome with grief and pain. When they are deep in the fog, they really don't care or have a conscious or are they just hiding from the truth? I should read some of the older posts from the WS.</strong>

L: Ws do both, don't know, don't care, can't tell....remember they are in the fog so their sense of anything is a might bit cloudy!! That is why you can't put much weight on anything they say even the positive stuff. Every so often a ray of light/reality/sanity shines through, sometimes it quickly clouds over. That is why I recommend the wondering technique. Hopefully it will allow a ray of hope/sunshine/sanity in a bit more often and if the WS latches onto that (OPs like the dark), then there may be hope.

<strong>WR: I haven't a clue how to plan my next strategy. Did you ever rehearse in your mind what you'd say if faced with certain situations. Like what if the OW called, or WS wanted to come home. Did you set boundaries on what you'd require he do before that happened in order to assure that this type of thing never happened again. (I am sure you did). Was reconcilling frightening? I am thinking about the fact that we reconcilled and then he went right back and did the same thing over again or never stopped. I do recall our reconcilliation, although brief for the first few weeks was nice.</strong>

L: Yes I did rehearse. The bathroom mirror and I are good friends now. It is a wonder that mirror doesn't have a crack or 2. I used to cry to that mirror and practice what I would say to both the OW and the WS. I encourage the BS to practice and plan for the worst. Especially when a meeting will happen and the BS gets nervous. Right now on GQII, one of the MBers is going to see her H. She was very nervous about a week ago but is starting to feel more confident. She will get weak again but I think all the boosting she has been getting will help.

The WS in my life came home but still kept contact with the OW. EAch time I found out it led to him being kicked out. 4 major false recoveries resulted. One of those times landed him in jail and 2 others were when the OW claimed pregos 2 and 3. Mind you prego 2 was right when I found out I was pregnant and then within 3 weeks, lost the baby. I had proof of my pregnancy, she did not and never did show any proof.

So for me it was important to set boundaries. I realized that as I was settling in my heart (my mind knew what to do a long time ago, my heart was the stubborn one - LOL!) , anyway as I was settling in my heart, I realized the one constant factor was that the OW must be out of MY life and those I lived with. If the WS could not comply, he had to leave. So I made that one of my main boundaries. EAch time I found contact, he was sent out the door. Eventually none of his excuses worked, I could have him packed out the door in 2 hours (I timed it). The more often it happend the less I packed and just threw it out (LOL!! ). Also when the WS was out of the house, I could not stand to see his stuff so it either went in the garage or the garbage'.

<strong>WR:Did your romantic love for your FWS ever grow dormant when the A was in full swing. Like now, it doesn't bother me that he doesn't call much or that I've not seen him in a little while. I still love him but it's not like I am longing to be in an intimate embrace (hey that would be nice though).</strong>

L: Yes, while I loved my H, I hated the WS. So as long as he was in the Jekyl and Hyde mode, I couldn't really have romantic love. Now I did have s3x with him at some point during that time (he came home and bam I was pregnant - scarrrry), but I had been hurt so when contact with OW came out, throwing him out just got easier.

I found out that I did need to be loved, caressed and cared for. The s3x part was ok but I needed the other needs more. Even now. I learned that many women need to be talked to while the men just need the deed. Well I didn't realize how much I needed to be sweet talked to (with sincerity of course) and not just wham bam thank-u mam'. I told H that and he is not a talker but it is my need and his personal challenge - he he he!!!!

Also a requirement for his being allowed back home!!! I snuck that one in! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<strong>WR: can you give me a few tips on planning my next strategy. a few examples possibly of what you did would be great. The important thing is that I am not caught off guard (I guess).</strong>

I'd say if you are the emotional level to do so, start setting your boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. Practice the best and worst case scenarios with your H. Even practice if you chance to see or talk with the OW. That's a toughie but you don't want to say something that will be used against you more than the normal fogese junk.

Let me know what you think.

<strong>WR:I hope that you are having a great weekend. THanks for the encouragement.
</strong>

My weekend was spent with my son and nephew. H was out of the country for a day. Now he is on the road again. He should be home in about 1 hour. So I had a fragmented weekend. Not bad since I didn't have to go into the office. I hate Mondays!~!!!!! YUCK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Thanks for asking, take care of yourself. You are doing much better. I will post a response to your other question, tomorrow.

Hugz,
L.

L: Ws do both, don't know, don't care, can't tell....remember they are in the fog so their sense of anything is a might bit cloudy!! That is why you can't put much weight on anything they say even the positive stuff. Every so often a ray of light/reality/sanity shines through, sometimes it quickly clouds over. That is why I recommend the wondering technique. Hopefully it will allow a ray of hope/sunshine/sanity in a bit more often and if the WS latches onto that (OPs like the dark), then there may be hope.

WR: I have to remember that the WS is a stranger to me. Actually worse than a stranger because strangers are often kind to you.

L: Yes I did rehearse. The bathroom mirror and I are good friends now. It is a wonder that mirror doesn't have a crack or 2. I used to cry to that mirror and practice what I would say to both the OW and the WS. I encourage the BS to practice and plan for the worst. Especially when a meeting will happen and the BS gets nervous. Right now on GQII, one of the MBers is going to see her H. She was very nervous about a week ago but is starting to feel more confident. She will get weak again but I think all the boosting she has been getting will help.

WR: I practice to and it does help. Although it is unintentional, I originally thought that it wasn't good because my focus in on WS and A.

L: The WS in my life came home but still kept contact with the OW. EAch time I found out it led to him being kicked out. 4 major false recoveries resulted. One of those times landed him in jail and 2 others were when the OW claimed pregos 2 and 3. Mind you prego 2 was right when I found out I was pregnant and then within 3 weeks, lost the baby. I had proof of my pregnancy, she did not and never did show any proof.

WR: What a roller coaster ride you had. God is good. It's amazing how much we can bare! It's called God's grace and mercy.

L: So for me it was important to set boundaries. I realized that as I was settling in my heart (my mind knew what to do a long time ago, my heart was the stubborn one - LOL!) , anyway as I was settling in my heart, I realized the one constant factor was that the OW must be out of MY life and those I lived with. If the WS could not comply, he had to leave. So I made that one of my main boundaries. EAch time I found contact, he was sent out the door. Eventually none of his excuses worked, I could have him packed out the door in 2 hours (I timed it). The more often it happend the less I packed and just threw it out (LOL!! ). Also when the WS was out of the house, I could not stand to see his stuff so it either went in the garage or the garbage'.

WR: THis took great strength. WS has somethings still left at my house and I have been pondering the idea of getting rid of this stuff or asking him to come get when he calls. I may throw it out or give it to AMVETS. How does/did FWS feel about your doing these things. I bet it sent a clear message to him that although you loved him, you would not tolerate WS/OW behavior. It is amazing how the behavior amongst WS is the same, I guess us BS are the same to.

L: Yes, while I loved my H, I hated the WS. So as long as he was in the Jekyl and Hyde mode, I couldn't really have romantic love. Now I did have s3x with him at some point during that time (he came home and bam I was pregnant - scarrrry), but I had been hurt so when contact with OW came out, throwing him out just got easier.

I found out that I did need to be loved, caressed and cared for. The s3x part was ok but I needed the other needs more. Even now. I learned that many women need to be talked to while the men just need the deed. Well I didn't realize how much I needed to be sweet talked to (with sincerity of course) and not just wham bam thank-u mam'. I told H that and he is not a talker but it is my need and his personal challenge - he he he!!!!

Also a requirement for his being allowed back home!!! I snuck that one in!

WR: Yes, I hate the WS to. This person is not the person I fell in love with and married. Yuck...Thank God that the frog can turn back into a prince, or have a new creation experience. This to is amazing to me. But that's what God is truely amazing. It does take faith to walk this out. The pain is so severe that I bet even the WS can't believe we still love and want our marriages to survive. How blessed the FWS and WS are when they realize it.

L: I'd say if you are the emotional level to do so, start setting your boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. Practice the best and worst case scenarios with your H. Even practice if you chance to see or talk with the OW. That's a toughie but you don't want to say something that will be used against you more than the normal fogese junk.

Let me know what you think.

WR: I am realizing that I must not be afraid to set boundaries for those things I want or are willing or not willing to tolerate. This has always been difficult for me to express what I really want or expect from my husband because he has always been difficult to communicate with and especially on personal issues. It is either his way or the highway. A true self centered person who would have you to believe that the world centers around him.

It didn't help matters when I would treat him as a delicate flower or a fragile egg by being afraid to speak truth and facts to him or demand that he respect me and etc. Trying to do all I could to keep the marriage together and him happy. I failed every time. So in essence I know now that when I get the opportunity to set boundaries, I should because I have nothing to loose. I refuse to discount or sell love or myself short.

There are some obvious boundaries I want to set before a reconcilliation is possible. Please give me your feedback

(1) WS will have to have individual counseling (anger management/deal with past issues).
(2) Recommit/commit life to the Lord (can I set one like this)
(3)marriage counseling
(4) of course the usual MB stuff (no contact with OW, write a letter, change cell phone number, practice rules of honesty etc.)
(5) openly apologize to family (family meeting) (6) Get gambling and other debts taken care of or have a plan
(7) support and spend time with family
(8) Have mail forwarded to home address (he has it going to AIL and GFIL
(9) Take son to school and etc. But this is a start and I will pray about these and other boundaries.

Oh, WS called last night asked to speak to son. I really wanted to know what he said to son. I even asked son, but he was tired and really isn't much of a talker when I ask him things. He did say his usual asking WH when was he coming home. I just hope that WS isn't burdening or hurting son. My son said that WS said that he was looking for him.

Have a blessed day, and thanks for your support. I am looking forward to your comments. Don't rush I understand that you have a life outside of MB.

WR

Originally posted by wisdom rules:
<strong>WR: THis took great strength. WS has somethings still left at my house and I have been pondering the idea of getting rid of this stuff or asking him to come get when he calls. I may throw it out or give it to AMVETS. How does/did FWS feel about your doing these things. I bet it sent a clear message to him that although you loved him, you would not tolerate WS/OW behavior. It is amazing how the behavior amongst WS is the same, I guess us BS are the same to.</strong>

L: I just needed his stuff out of my sight. H used to do tree work and lawn care so he has a lot of tools in our garage. You don't know how bad I wanted to be a 'free tools' sign and just let everyone else take his stuff. LOL!! But that would have deprived us of some income and even though he wasn't doing that kind of work at the time, he would have used that against me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> As it was, the OW was blaming me for his business failing..... didn't matter that the WS always underbid his contracts so sometimes, I ended up paying for other people's yardwork! Go figure.

<strong>WR: Yes, I hate the WS to. This person is not the person I fell in love with and married. Yuck...Thank God that the frog can turn back into a prince, or have a new creation experience. This to is amazing to me. But that's what God is truely amazing. It does take faith to walk this out. The pain is so severe that I bet even the WS can't believe we still love and want our marriages to survive. How blessed the FWS and WS are when they realize it.</strong>

L: The WS don't understand our endurance. Sometimes neither do I. But we do endure. It is amazing. When my WS babbled to me about why did I endure soo much (I used to say it was because I loved him), after a while I just said ' I just don't know'!!! Made him step back and now he doesn't ask such a stupid question anymore.

<strong>WR: I am realizing that I must not be afraid to set boundaries for those things I want or are willing or not willing to tolerate. .......

It didn't help matters when I would treat him as a delicate flower or a fragile egg by being afraid to speak truth and facts to him or demand that he respect me and etc. Trying to do all I could to keep the marriage together and him happy. I failed every time. So in essence I know now that when I get the opportunity to set boundaries, I should because I have nothing to loose. I refuse to discount or sell love or myself short.</strong>

L: Good. Lesson learned and from this point forward, you won't do that again! RESPECT YOURSELF and others will follow.

<strong> WR: There are some obvious boundaries I want to set before a reconcilliation is possible. Please give me your feedback

(1) WS will have to have individual counseling (anger management/deal with past issues).
(2) Recommit/commit life to the Lord (can I set one like this)
(3)marriage counseling
(4) of course the usual MB stuff (no contact with OW, write a letter, change cell phone number, practice rules of honesty etc.)
(5) openly apologize to family (family meeting) (6) Get gambling and other debts taken care of or have a plan
(7) support and spend time with family
(8) Have mail forwarded to home address (he has it going to AIL and GFIL
(9) Take son to school and etc. But this is a start and I will pray about these and other boundaries. </strong>

L: Those are good boundaries. Make sure that when he is ready to come back that you don't innundate him with everything. Decide which is your top 2, next 2, etc. Do it in stages.

Also include personal boundaries that can also double as protecting agents. That is why I settled on him trying to make me happy. The more time he spent on us, the less he would have to get into trouble or deal with the OW.

<strong>WR: Oh, WS called last night asked to speak to son. I really wanted to know what he said to son. I even asked son, but he was tired and really isn't much of a talker when I ask him things. He did say his usual asking WH when was he coming home. I just hope that WS isn't burdening or hurting son. My son said that WS said that he was looking for him.</strong>

L: Good, even though you son is not talking as much, your H is talking with him. Better that than the OW. At a different time, talk with your son. Let him know that you are concerned. You'd be surprised to see how their minds reason and how they try to fix it themselves.

take care,
L.

L: I just needed his stuff out of my sight. H used to do tree work and lawn care so he has a lot of tools in our garage. You don't know how bad I wanted to be a 'free tools' sign and just let everyone else take his stuff. LOL!! But that would have deprived us of some income and even though he wasn't doing that kind of work at the time, he would have used that against me. As it was, the OW was blaming me for his business failing..... didn't matter that the WS always underbid his contracts so sometimes, I ended up paying for other people's yardwork! Go figure.

WR: Sometimes I feel that way to. I did let him know that he has other things in the house that he needs to make arrangements to get. He said okay.

Girl, I can&#8217;t believe that I called him while I was at work and asked him about his teeth and if he needed to have them cleaned. It was a total surprise to him me to. Why should I even care! I told him about the Dentist. He smokes and we get cleaning free once a year under my plan.

Then WS wanted to know who picks son up from school. I asked him why, and if he had someone who would pick him up. He said that he was in the neighborhood on Monday. I told him that I rush from work to get son. I also told him that he is listed as a person to pick son up, just let me know ahead of time.

I tell him things son says (reminds me of you). For example son loves to play the changing his name game. So one time he said he would change his name to my BIL&#8217;s last name (my side). WS is probably envious of BIL. I told WS yesterday while at work that son was playing ball with a friend of mine and he really had a good time. Last night when WS called late, son was sleep, but he asked about who the friend was. I told him it was one of the guys who put our fence up on the weekend.

Son wrote a letter (I wrote it/son&#8217;s words) to WS. It started off &#8220;Dear dad, Edward is my father and you are my daddy&#8221;. (son has vivid imagination). So WS asked who was Edward? I told him he&#8217;d have to ask son, and maybe I spelled the name wrong.

I told WS that I was going to get some friends to help insulate the attic, with the natural gas prices possibly going up. He recommended some friends of his, who are brothers. (That was nice of him to care). I told him I would feel uncomfortable asking them. Perhaps the next time WS calls I will ask him to contact these men and see what they&#8217;d charge.

This was probably a no no, but I told husband that we were invited to son&#8217;s god sister&#8217;s wedding, but since I knew that he wouldn&#8217;t be going I invited someone to go with me. (my aunt, but I didn&#8217;t tell him who). I asked him if he could keep son so I could go on a date. He said get your date to pay for a sitter&#8230; I said the caliber of men that I would date would not have a problem paying for a sitter, but I thought that I would ask you. WS asked &#8220;how many men are you planning to date&#8221;? I mentioned to him that I am desireable, attractive and I want to date, but not take son around different men unless I was going to marry that person. I told him how the drunk neighbors had expressed and interest in me. I told them that my husband and I are working things out. He said just tell them that you are not interested! He also thought that they are being disrespectful. I also asked him about divorce papers that he&#8217;d be sending me. (there are none) Girl, I don&#8217;t know why I said these things. I imagine WS knows me well and that this was all (mostly) talk. I guess I was trying to get a feel for where he is, or wanted some attention. I tickled myself afterwards and then repented to the Lord for this. Have you ever done anything this crazy? You know it would be nice to go out and have some wholesome fun with someone of the opposite persuasion, I guess my son will have to do. My desire is to remain faithful and have God restore my marriage. Maybe that conversation will start my husband to thinking how his A and addictive behavior has affected his family.

L: The WS don't understand our endurance. Sometimes neither do I. But we do endure. It is amazing. When my WS babbled to me about why did I endure soo much (I used to say it was because I loved him), after a while I just said ' I just don't know'!!! Made him step back and now he doesn't ask such a stupid question anymore.

WR: It is beyond me how BS can endure all that accompanies WS fantasy dream world and its affect on their families. It really shows the love of God for them and for the family. It the shows the Christ like character in action in the BS. From what I have seen and heard from many of you is that it is worth it. Many seem grateful for the blessings that have resulted from such a tragic situation.

L: Good. Lesson learned and from this point forward, you won't do that again! RESPECT YOURSELF and others will follow.

WR: How true, a lesson not learned is repeated!

L: Those are good boundaries. Make sure that when he is ready to come back that you don't innundate him with everything. Decide which is your top 2, next 2, etc. Do it in stages.

Also include personal boundaries that can also double as protecting agents. That is why I settled on him trying to make me happy. The more time he spent on us, the less he would have to get into trouble or deal with the OW.

WR: That is a good suggestion because to overload him all at once would be discouraging. I am going to do as you suggestion and I will include personal boundaries and the one you used is excellent. I a going to work on these. Of course as I know my husband now some of these he would absolutely not do. God would have to perform a miracle (like the public/family apology).

L: Good, even though you son is not talking as much, your H is talking with him. Better that than the OW. At a different time, talk with your son. Let him know that you are concerned. You'd be surprised to see how their minds reason and how they try to fix it themselves.

WR: That&#8217;s a good way to look at it. It&#8217;s like the OW wants all of their time and they want to comply, until they tire of them. They become isolated from family, friends and others who would not accept this relationship. Then, there is the shame, humiliation and guilt. The OW probably fears that the more time the WS spends with his children and BS that their doomed relationship will soon come to an end. I want to shield son from as much pain as possible.

I pray that you are having a wonderful day,
God Bless you,

WR

WR,

How are you doing?

L.

Hey L,

Thank you for asking how I am doing. I am feeling a bit tired but otherwise I am fine. Having to handle the family responsibility can be overwhelming. Although I know better my flesh is feeling like WH is getting off easy. WH can just walk away and not look back. It helps to know others who have made it through these ordeals and have actually grown. I read Lostva's response to a post Lostva's post on she and FWS's recovery, and it lifted my spirits some.

This too shall pass.

How are you and your family doing. When do you sleep! (smile) You're up late (early in the AM)

Have a great day,

WR

WR,

Good to hear from you. I know we just want to fix it all and move forward. Well the move forward part is within your control but the fix it is not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

But you will survive..... LostVA's thread is encouraging and so is Lor's, BrambleRose and many others. It all comes down to how we view it and what we allow in our lives. I tolerate less now and get better results. Makes no sense to me but hey, better results who can argue with that? Guess being too nice has it's drawbacks.... LOL!

Please take care and let us know how you are doing. ok???

Hugz,
L.

L,

You are so right about tolerating less. I am changing and will never be the same again. My life is so much better and I have more control. I have so much to be thankful for. Things could be worse.

I am concerned about my 4 year old son. I called WH to let him listen to a message. WH wanted to speak to son. He told son that "daddy misses you". WH probably hasn't seen son in a month. Son had a restless at night. The teachers express concern at school. He doesn't always obey them and cries easily (only child/spoiled/affected by A). I am as honest as I can be with son. I tell him that we must pray for WH, that he comes out of the darkness of sin into God's marvelous light. That none of this is his fault, mine either. He doesn't know about A business, just that WH chose to leave home and us.

It is difficult enough without seeing the children hurting and not able to express the pain.

I pray that you have a wonderful day and thanks for the hugs.

WR