What did your H or W tell you about the OP? Do you believe him/her?

I was told certain things about her that I am now finding out might not be true.

Thank you.

I'm trying very hard to regain trust in my H, but it's very hard.
Some of his answers to my questions don't add up.

I don't know anything about your situation, but for me, I know I asked him point blank questions about OP and he out and out lied to me.
This were times before he had the A, and during the A that I asked questions, and he lied.
For my H, anything to do with sex, he lied about.
He is an honest person, and everyone likes him.
I love him with my whole heart, but he fails me emotionally many times.

I'm searching for answers to see if all WS say un-emotional things. Is it there way of shutting down to tell the truth?

When I ask him questions, it's as if he is afraid of saying something against her. I question, is he really over her. He says yes, but his answers don't match.
I said to him, I can say that I hate her!
His response was, I can't say the same, but I understand how you feel.
Is that a reasonable answer?

He still sees her at work. I asked him if he is disgusted when he sees her?
He said, no, but he is by what they have done together, disgusted with himself.
Is this a reasonable answer?

I'm so confused.
K.

M 17 years
2 girls 11 & 8
A Oct. 01/Dec. 01
D-Day Jan. 02

I am in desperate need of replies here. I would post my story but I am trying to be respectful of not triggering people into feeling like their spouse may be lying.

The short of it is that I recently came across information that contradicts my H's detailed description of how the affair started and it's duration.

Thank You.

First of all, my WH is still right in the midst of his A. He told me very little about OW and it is only by questioning him about other things that I have found things out about her that don't add up.

According to WH, she is a good person and has no deceit or malice. She is not manipulating him and did not get pregnant to trap him. She is not after him for his money (I found out she is very poor) nor for his passport (she's from a country where the women are notorious for trapping middle-aged Western men into marriage). He says she would never try to take my money or even get in the middle of any D arrangements, even tho I have a great deal more assets than he and legally he would be entitled to 50% of them. He says he doesn't want to move her out of his house because it would hurt her feelings, and he cares for her and feels an obligation to her & unborn OC. However, he does not love her nor does he envision a lifetime with her. He also said that he's hearing things now that are making him doubt that the unborn child is his but he has to find out for sure.

Now how does that not gibe with reality? OW got pregnant the first month he started the A. What is likelihood of this? She went from another man to my WH within a matter of days or weeks, and had sex with both (or more?) without birth control. Does this sound like a "good" woman who is not trying to manipulate or deceive? He has spent almost $20,000 (yep, that's 4 zeros! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) on her in past 8 months and spending has accelerated considerably. Does this sound like someone who doesn't want his money? She moved into the house with him the beginning of this month. From what I can gather, looks like a lot of those expenditures are on household goods, appliances, conveniences, etc. This is someone he doesn't love & isn't considering spending a lifetime with, and she isn't after his passport (i.e. marriage)?

My WH is incredibly naive - has never lived outside US and been exposed to these temptations. He lived a very solid, straight life, not many girlfriends, and no teenage rebellious years or college wildness. So part of what he tells me I chalk up to his lack of experience with women and life in general.

Well, don't know if that's the kind of thing you're looking for. But I sure feel better for putting it down - sounds awfully sordid, doesn't it? And I want to stay married to this man???

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 06:38 AM: Message edited by: SH94 ]</small>

J4J,

Well, let's see....things the WS said about the OP?!?!?

1. She is not as pretty as you are. (That's suppose to make me feel good? It was already a PA).

2. She talks too much. OW told WS that she used to keep her H up "all night" (literally) with onesided conversations. What a confession, no wonder the guy moved out to live in another town!

3. She says she makes a lot of money. I think he told her how much I make (dumb move WS), so when she called me she would try to upshot me, she told me well I make more than you....blah blah blah...... Well I did some 'checking' and found out it wasn't her $$ as much as her H's $$...... Yet the WS believed her when she 'promised' to take him on international trips,send him back to school, give him a life better than what he had with his family, set him up in his 'own' internet business (she sells tea, skirts quilts, baby blankets and pillows - not a big selection either - watch out Macy's!!! - LOL) , etc.

None of those 'promises' ever came true. Yet the WS spent well over 6k + on the A and A related items (I consider moving out expenses A related items).

3. Said the OW was financially stable...... let's see: House went into foreclosure, bailed out by her H........ 2nd vehcile almost repossed again bailed out by her H...... she was basically a stay at home W (no children - just a couple of dogs, credit cards (some maxed), etc..... oh yea this one was financially stable alright. When I heard this, I told the WS you really need to go stay with the OW, you did say you and her have a lot in common!

4. OW gave the WS a list of demands in order for him to live with her including charging him $998.00 per month and she itemized it down to the food costs. Along with that a list of when he was allowed to visit his child and under what conditions. No contact with W for 1 year verbal or visitations), child was to be dropped off at a location away from family/friends, his mail was to be kept at a PO Box until she could trust him..... go figure that one!!! Spread one's legs is easier to do than forward one's mail....... LOL!!!

If this doesn't have you laughing yet.... I could go on. You see some of it was true but most of it was just plain stupid..

JMHO,
L.

Things my WW said about OM:

I'm better looking than OM

OM is a nice guy just like me and her dad

he respects me

he respects marriage

he doesn't want to get involved and wants WW to work on marriage

then later she said:

she is in a committed relationship with OM

OM buys her things that she wants (I don't?)

he is a hard worker, working 2 jobs, and not lazy like me

he can meet her needs naturally and I can't because he is latino and I am just a white guy

more recently she said:

both OM and and her feel guilty about me

Let me just say this:

What the WS says during the A (and the fog), and what they say after the A (and the fog) are usually two totally different things. Just ask the folks on the recovery board.

Originally my H's OW wasn't that bad of a person, was fun to be around, was thoughtful and considerate of others (H, certainly not me or his kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ), cute although not beautiful - but definitely attractive in a mid fortiesh smoker kind of way (did I mention borderline plump too?), sensuous, surely a wildcat in bed.

Now, she's ugly, irritating, cruel, disgusting, etc.

If he ever gets out of the fog, his perception will clear up.

Take your pick -- there have been several. However, the latest is the most significant because she "fell in love."
I know the guy well. Family friend and all. Works with her. (Funny anecdote: Calls D-Day after she goes to work and tells him I know. It's over, she says. His call to our house was to tell her she didn't have to quit. I say "X, this better not have any affect on her job status. No cut in hours. No sudden cut backs. Nothing." His response was freakin' laughable: "C'mon M, you know me better than that." lol... My response? "I thought I did, X. I thought I did." HE hung up.)

Anyway, the things she said about him:

1.) He was nice. Never judgmental (didn't have to be. I was at home. She was in his bed. What's to judge?)
2.) Here's a good one -- no pain with sex (she has a prolapsed uterus. Yes, we've been to the doctor.)
3.) Oh, yeah -- he "took my breath away. That's never happened with you." Hey babe, here's the knife you stuck in my heart. You might need that later.
4.) "We have common interests." What? Running? He's a pork ball who started running with you to impress you. Oh, right. The job! Uh... ok. Want a list of what WE have in common?
5.) "He's easy to be around." No kidding? Really? You mean he doesn't care if you do whatever you want because HE HAS NOTHING TO LOSE?
6.) And the often quoted on this forum when I post capper of them all: "He LET ME LOVE HIM."
Now how do you tell your WS "Duh" without that being an LB?

But, to be fair, I can tell you exactly what this guy is like: He's just like me, only shorter and heavier. We have the same interests, the same recreational needs, the same political thoughts, the same religious beliefs, the same sense of humor, the same... oh, ha, the same sex partner? Hmm..

Now, she's seeing a bit more of the reality of Mr. Perfect. He's prone to depression, pouts and gets angry easy. He's wishy washy and unresolved in his career goals. He wanted to be a fireman, so they started working out to get him in shape for the test. Now he's dumped that to be a chemist. I'm not sure how you go from A. to B. like that, but it torques her (though she won't say it), that he had all these tough ambitions when they were a couple, and just jettisoned them when this crap went down.

He's not moving on. That really gets her goat.

xOW was an old friend from HS that looked my H up through classmates. I know who she is and what she looks like. So, that stuff cannot be changed.

However, from what he tells me is:
1) She listened and was interested in what he had to say.
2) She was a nice person
3) She was an old friend.

Now:
1) She would listen to him so she could figure out what he liked. This way, out of the blue she had the same common interest. xOW "Oh, I ran 3 miles yesterday." FWH now says that there was no way she could have done that.

2) She manipulated him, pursued him.

3) She had a crush on him for 20 years - Not really a friend type. Wanted to see if she could create some sort of spark.

Fog is a very bad thing for the WS. They are not sure which end is up.

Best of Luck in finding the answers you are seeking.

Jump...since I don't know the timeline of your situation, I'll have to go the "generalized" route.

In the beginning after d-day, there are usually lots of lies about the details. Some are from a misguided sense that the WS developes to "protect" you from further pain. Some are an honest mistake of not remembering those little details that might have a much deeper meaning for us. ALL are about covering thier @$$ as much as possible.

IF...a BIG IF...you can convince your WS that if he/she wants to reclaim trust and get things back on track in their marriage...the very best weapon they have is the truth. It's one of the hardest things for most of them to understand. They really don't want to hurt you anymore, they don't want to face your anger, they don't want to go over past mistakes they've made.

Most would like to bury it and forgot it ever happened.

Now...about receiving the truth. It's YOUR responsiblity to receive it without hitting the ceiling everytime you hear it. IT IS PAINFUL! IT WILL MAKE YOU MAD! But if when he tells you the truth, your reaction is one of uncontrollable hurt/rage, he's not going to try telling you the truth again...unless forced to.

My H and I had to go to writing much of the details that I needed. By writing, I was able to get my own act together and ask good questions, clearly. By his answering in writing, he could reflect on his answers, really think about them and not say the first thing that entered his head. Also, he didn't have to see the pain in my eyes when I first discovered the truth about whatever detail I needed. Usually, these written pages where followed by a face to face, where the real worked between us began. But writing was a start.

A major benefit of writing is that you can go back and re-read. Sometimes when speaking we miss something really important while hearing through our pain.

tip: When asking a question...when he answers...stay silent for a bit, looking him straight in the eyes. It's amazing what that "gap" in the conversation will bring forth. Most men find them very uncomfortable.

Hope this helps.

I'm in the middle of this now, as the A is still going on and we are separated. But, from what he has told me,
1. She cares about his needs and listens to him. (I would love to listen to him if he would talk to me)

2. She is such a nice person. (Of course, nice in a don't-care-for-my-own-marriage-either and let's-wreck-both-of-our-homes kind of way)

3. Lots in common (see #2)

4. We are "in love". (Hmmm, I think I heard that somewhere before, too--like when we said vows).

5. She is nice to our kids. (How dare they go around our kids...of course he says they were only "friends" but later found out of PA going on for last 2 months (EA for 2 years--this is the aforementioned "friendship)--yes he would take our kids to park to meet her and her kid while they walked around the track). Also, she is nice to "his" kids, I'm sure she doesn't give a rip that they are "my" kids too.

I really hope he gets out of the fog. I would love to hear what she's truly like. I have already gotten opinions from people who really know her..opinions like:

1. she's money hungry --goes shopping every weekend (my hubby is a penny pincher--wouldn't even buy himself a coke at a gas station because $.99 is too much to spend on a 20 ounce coke. Generic everything--no name brands if he had his way--I practically dressed him. Should have let him dress himself, too, and she probably wouldn't have been attracted to him as much). Whew, that's a big one.

2. She will never leave her H for mine because mine would never allow her to spend as she does now. (see #1)

3. She has been out to get whatever man she could for a long time. Has a history of doing this.

4. She is using him as a "plaything" (he's younger, by about 2 or 3 years..she's around 35, he's 33).

5. She's making a fool of him.

So, it'll be interesting, if nothing else, to see what happens from here on out.