LEAVING THE CITY OF REGRET

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet, I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip".

I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which, I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been.

No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town. As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year's most important event, the Annual Pity Party.

I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there. First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol' Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterday's. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share. Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent "pityparty" could be canceled by ME!

I started to realize that I did not have to be there. I didn't have to be depressed. One thing kept going through my mind, "I can't change yesterday, but I do have the power to make today a wonderful day".

I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left the city of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address.

Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you are planning a trip to the city of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now.

Instead, take a trip to a place called Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myself and the New Starts are so very helpful.

By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. You too, can find this new town, ust ask the Lord to show you the way. Now I live on ICANDOIT street.

To Everyone

Thanks again for all the amazing support and incredibly comforting words in such a trying time in my life.

I sit here today with a touch of the flu and realize that I am making progress on releasing my anger and my judgemental ways with my wife. For the past couple of weeks I've thrown myself into this and have been very successful although, John, you were so right when you said it was going to drain you and take alot of effort.

The other night I was having what I felt was gonna be a bad night and tried to convey that to my wife. She wanted nothing to do with hearing about since she was feeling under the weather. All I wanted at that time was to be heard and I guess you could say, in my own selfish way, some form of comfort, any form of comfort. Not like in the past where I'd say that I love her and expect her to tell me it back. I just yearned and my body ached for a light touch, a kind word, an "I understand".

I am realizing how long of a road this will be getting her to trust me again, to be comfortable with me again and I don't expect overnight changes. Again, I hope to continue to release my own bad habits and relearn them all in a better light. With that, I may eventually find the intimacy and love that I seek and that I know she is capable of. This board has helped me countless times over.

My wife had a "friend" like this. He all of the sudden appeared when my wife and I were having problems. And who would of guesses that he likes the same movies and songs as her......what a crock! Ive tried to tell her players use the "thats my favorite song/movie" jus to score and hes playing the"nice guy" till that time. Im glad I cought this problem before it got too far(or I hope I did). But there is always that thought in my mind now about it. Shes not talked to this guy in a few weeks and as far as I can tell(from my hours of snooping) shes trying to center on us and not anyone else.

Help Help Help!!

Oh, John if you are there, help me. I am giving this my full effort and tonight I feel like such a failure. After being continuously pushed away by my wife repeatedly for days on end I seem like I'm nearing an emotional low and will blow up if I don't get some relief, any relief. By that, I mean in the form of a kind word, a hug, a kiss, an I Love You. I know looking for these are all LB's because I am so depleted of all of these things but I feel like I will explode.

In fact, in the last couple of days she(my wife) has asked me to give her reasons to kiss, call her from work and make love to her? I'm stunned by these comments because I don't want to take her for granted and just start kissing her. I know this will take alot of time and energy but HELP, I feel like getting away from all my hurt and pain.

Tonight I call home from work and she picked up the OM on her way to soccer since his wife wasn't feeling well. I know I just want to push it out of my mind but it hangs there like a huge weight and all those feelings flood in my mind. I tried to bite my tongue but I just couldn't. It's like saying "dont say that" and then still saying it. I want to tell her I trust her and love her but the other half of me is hurt and wants to fight it out. After some conversation on the phone, she says come home, I'll take a shower have candles....I come home, no shower, no candles, she's folding clothes after being on the computer??? Do I mean that little to her that clothes in a basket couldn't have been folded on somebody else's time?

Help me John, I need your unique perspective because I want to just run away so bad and leave all my feelings by the side of the road somewhere. Help me Board, help me cause this is a tough road and I am stumbling right now.

TTBM: I am not sure what I can say. To a certain extent, the things you are experiencing are normal. Many people who post here for the first time are greeted with "Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster." That is reality. The lows are really low. Also, your wife is treating you in a way that hurts you. It is normal to want to hurt her back. It is not helpful to do so, but it is normal to want to. So, part of this is learning some alternative responses when you are hurt. The pain can be so great that you cannot stand it. If this is the case, you need to seriously consider Plan B. Only you know what you can take. However, I will say that before you try Plan B, you need to understand Plan B, including its legal ramifications. You don't want to get hit with a divorce filing that includes charges you abandonned your children or your family responsibilities.

One thing that may help you get through this is a written plan. In MB, Plan A should always precede Plan B, if possible. Do you understand Plan A? Have you written down your Plan A? Does it have a time limit? What are the objectives? What are your strategies? If you are just floating along trying to cope, you are much worse off emotionally than if you have a plan and are executing it. You have to understand that because your w/ is having her most important EN's met by someone else, that person feels more important to her than you do right now. That is reality. It is painful. If you do not have a plan to deal with that reality, the pain can overwhelm you.

She probably feels you have forced her into the choices she has made to get her needs met. I think you have to show her that she has a safe alternative. How are you going to overcome the years of controlling behavior and speach? Do you really think that is possible in a few weeks?

The upside is that she is still living at home, she is still saying things that acknowledge your importance to her, even if she does not follow through. So, she is not TOTALLY turned away from you. You have to work with the little bit that you have, which probably means reducing your expectations.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> In fact, in the last couple of days she(my wife) has asked me to give her reasons to kiss, call her from work and make love to her? I'm stunned by these comments because I don't want to take her for granted and just start kissing her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am not sure I understand exactly what either of you means here, but let me take a shot, anyway. It sounds like she is asking you what you are getting from her, maybe recognizing you are not getting much, right now? If so, maybe acknowledging things are not good between you right now, but saying you want them to be, and are trying to work on that, is an appropriate response. The other possibility i see is that she is not feeling very good about herself and wants some reassurance from you about her being desireable, competent, talented, or whatever. If so, a response that tells her some of the things you like, admire, and appreciate about her would be appropriate. Maybe both. However, as I said, the way you wrote it, I am unclear about what she meant. If she meant "Why should I kiss you?", it is probably because she does not see a reason right now. If that is the case, it may be painful, but it is a valuable piece of information about where she is emotionally. In that case, I would say you have to give her a good reason - not an intellectual reason, either. She needs a good emotional reason to WANT to kiss you. Like because you are filling her most important emotional needs. Have you taken the ENQ yet? The other possibility that I can imagine for this question is that she does not see a reason to kiss you because she feels you have been so cruel to her. In which case I want to know: Have you taken the Lovebusters questionaire yet? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to tell her I trust her and love her but the other half of me is hurt and wants to fight it out. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point, trust may not be warranted. Are you dealing with reality? Men's natural response to pain is fight or flight. Flight does not solve the problem, and fighting the way you have in the past has not produced the results you have desired. You need to learn a new way to "fight". Unfortunately, I cannot point you to any one resource on learning how to do this. I pulled things from Harley on the POJA and avoiding LoveBusters, from Smalley's book "If Only He Knew", from the "Mars and Venus" boooks by Grey, from some radio preachers I heard, and from a book on communication in marriage which is probably out of print. The primary thing was learning to pay attention to, and talk about, how I felt about things without attacking my wife in the process. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After some conversation on the phone, she says come home, I'll take a shower have candles....I come home, no shower, no candles, she's folding clothes after being on the computer??? Do I mean that little to her that clothes in a basket couldn't have been folded on somebody else's time?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Possibly. You did not say what you did or what you said to her when this happened. Can I suggest an approach? Words: "Thank you for working so hard for our family, and taking care of the laundry. I know I don't say so very often, but I really appreciate it. Let me help you." Action: Help her finish. Further words: "You know, even though I appreciate you washing and folding clothes, I am really disappointed that you were not showered and did not have candles lit when I got home like you said. I was really looking forward to making love with you, not just because it feels good, and is something I like, but also because it makes me feel closer to you, emotionally, and it - makes me feel more at peace when you hold me - (or something else you like about making love with her that is true and positive but not specifically sexual). I am also hurt when you spend time folding clothes instead of preparing to spend time with me, because it makes me feel like I am unimportant to you, and because it makes me feel like you do not want to spend time with me. If that is true, I am sorry for making our time together unpleasant for you. I want to change that, and am trying to change how i behave, but I would like your help. Tell me what I can do differently so that you will enjoy our time together." Then listen to her answer.

i have nothing to add of any help here, i just want to say that your story is remarkably similar to mine even down to the bell button piercing and change of musical tastes. my ww even got me to dowload mp3s for her which took hours on a slow modem and she even blames the pc for keeping me away from her. the questioins you have asked and the answers you have got have been very helpful to me. on a pessimistic note i have found that it is impossible now to believe a word my wife says. she never admits to anything unless it is proven and then she gets angry at me for finding out. its an awful way to live. my wife is now continually verbally abusive and i am looking at the implications of moving out after a hopeless attempt at plan a. we just have to accept that as they learn to love someone else they learn to hate us. my wife's om lives about 90 miles away but they meet each other half way. never met him yet and dont want to. she doesn't seem to want divorce just wants separation which i don't understand as none of the 3 of us seems in a great position and present. i am wondering if threatening her with divorce may make her come to her senses but this seems to go against all the wisdom on these boards. what do you think?? we have such a lot to lose financially and i with the kids, but i have learnt that these women are prepared to throw everythig away for love. i really despise the oms for choosing someone married with kids. we have 4 and he has 2, that makes 7 unhappy people for the sake of 2 people having their emotional needs met how selfish can that be?? and we are supposed to not get angry!! good luck you are doing far better than me. one question, my big mistake was telling other people partly behind her back, nobody on these boards seem to mention this as a big issue is that because everyone is much better at keeping it a secret than me or is it beacause it is less of a problem