</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by engineer_bob:
<strong>Eric,

I have read all of your posts. It sounds as though your wife is truly remorseful. Her explanation makes sense (not excusable - but I think you could see her point of view). Her mothers response also makes sense from her own experience. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excuse me? Makes sense? See her point of view? Sorry, but no matter what my FWW has told me, I will never see her "point of view." There are no excuses, nothing that can rationalize cheating. In this case, she was lonely?!?! Are you kidding me? If that justifies cheating we are all in trouble.

Michael
Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

Eric,

You asked for opinions about a paternity test so here goes. I believe it would be wise for you to have a paternity test for all of your children for the following reasons:
1) You stated that prior to being with you she had a very poor reputation and had slept with numerous men growing up which is a clear pattern of behavior for her.
2) Only by chance you find out that she had sex with the same man twice during the first year of your marriage.
3) She tells you that the second time she went over to his place for dinner after already having sex with him previously she has sex with him again because "she did not want to hurt his feelings or make him mad." This indicates that she is either lying to you or she is incrediblely easy to manipulate in having sex with a man other than her husband.
4) It apparently is very easy for her to lie to you and have you take medication for something she picked up sexually and seemingly had no problem convincing you to take the medication while telling you it was for another reason.
5) It was apparently easy for her not to tell you the truth about these incidents for 10 years.

The bottom line is that you never had a clue and that apparently it is quite easy for her lie and cheat on you without knowing and she never had any intention of telling you ever. It would seem naive of you to believe her totally about anything at this point of time. If she could have so easily fooled you by having sex with this OM twice before why is it unreasonable to believe she could have fooled you again with other men while you were married since she had this pattern of behavior and only was truthful to you when she got caught? In short, it would only make sense for you to have a paternity test for all of your children since she brought these problems to your marriage because of her behavior. I would think she would be more than happy to prove this to you. If she fights against this then I think you may have your answer. It is disturbing that she was able to fool you and cheat on you so easily without you again even having a clue. In short, I think it would be wise for you to have tests done to protect yourself. I wish you luck.

Eric,

I see that you're getting some good responses from seasoned MBers. You know we all post responses based on our individual experiences which is great on one hand. You get a wide response from one end of the spectrum all the way to the other.

On the other hand, since we respond based on our experiences, what we say may not have relevance to you, or your situation.

That said, I have found myself having empathy with your wife. JL mentioned earlier that we seldom disagree; after all he was an early and favorite supporter/teacher for me when I first posted.

Here's my perspective on your wife. Normally I wouldn't be as tempted to heap praise on her since she didn't come forward to be open and honest about her affair. Usually I find that to be very important to your M's future success.

What I see in her that I like is that although she didn't come to you first; when you asked her the question about the affair; she didn't hesitate to tell you the truth. With the level of immaturity that you described her being at the time of dating and early in your marriage; if she hadn't grown as a person in many important ways it would be easy to see her trying to deceive you still; and squirm her way out of taking responsibility for the affair.

In fact she has done the opposite. She has shown remorse, has taken responsibility for her actions; and by the sound of it from you describing her actions over the past 11 years; grown to be a mature person.

Simply put, she's not the same person she was at the time of the affair. She is who you know her to be now.

By no means am I saying that she shouldn't do the work any WS needs to do in order to insure your marriage recovers from the affair; and that she earns your respect, trust, forgiveness etc. It's just that I think you, your children, and she, all deserve the chance to heal from this and have the marriage of your dreams.

Regarding your MIL...bad advice from people who haven't walked in our shoes is how I sum up her perspective on not telling you all those years ago. In my opinion her advice to your wife was "fear based". In a sense I don't judge her for her thought process - just reinforces to me why I am so glad H & I didn't tell any of our family. They are too closely associated to have an objective opinion. Here at MB we don't even know you, so we don't have hidden agendas.

Compared to other WS stories you hear around here; you are indeed one of the lucky ones. And mostly I think you are doing an outstanding job of dealing with this situation. Blessings CSue

As far as the idea of subjecting your children to a paternity test, I would advise you to think on it very carefully.

1.Can you handle the truth?

2.Will youur love for your children will be totally destroyed?

3.Are you are committed to a plan of action (marital rebuilding or divorce) if your worst fears come to be confirmed?

IF you can answer yes to all of the above, then by all means seek out the truth. Understand though that even if you are not the biological father, the law in most states makes you the father legally and financially speaking. BUT if you are unsure as to any of the above three factors, then I would consider not persuing the matter of paternity until you are sure that you can deal with the truth in a positive fashion.

M in D

I don't think I made my point clear. All I was saying is that the story is plausible, it makes sense, you could see it happen. It does not excuse the action, but it appears to be the truth.

Ok, headed home after a long day. Didn't get much done today, too much on my mind. Prior to going home, I wanted to have another look here, see what you all had to say, and respond. I find myself somewhat in a state of shock. I feel numb and have a knot in my stomach that won't go away. Didn't sleep well last night either, so I am very tired.

I am glad for everyone who has taken the time to respond to me. Some conflicting advice out there, but it all seems to be straight foreward and honest, so I respect it all. I want to take the time to respond to a couple of things directly

Bryanp wrote:

("She tells you that the second time she went over to his place for dinner after already having sex with him previously she has sex with him again because "she did not want to hurt his feelings or make him mad." This indicates that she is either lying to you or she is incrediblely easy to manipulate in having sex with a man other than her husband.")

I agree with you. As I got to know my wife while we were dating and during our engagement and early marriage, I came to understand that her past was not based on sex per se, but because she was somewhat naive and yes, easily manipulated into having sex. I think she wanted to believe that every guy who showed an interest in her, was really interested in her, and not just in having sex. But, it also highlights my fears heading into marriage, the fear that she could once again be manipulated into the sack.

Also, Bryanp, I agree that it is entirely possible that if she was manipulated this easily, that it could have happened again. I tend to believe her when she says it did not, but I accept the possibility. I'll address the paternity test later.

CSue wrote:

("Simply put, she's not the same person she was at the time of the affair. She is who you know her to be now.

Regarding your MIL...bad advice from people who haven't walked in our shoes is how I sum up her perspective on not telling you all those years ago. In my opinion her advice to your wife was "fear based". In a sense I don't judge her for her thought process - just reinforces to me why I am so glad H & I didn't tell any of our family.")

CSue, I tend to agree with you, I don't think she is the same person who existed before we met, or existed short term during the affair. If I thought she had not changed, it would probably not be worth staying with her. As far as my mother in law goes, I want to have a chance to sit down and talk with her and find out why she gave the advice she gave. Misguided or not, I am sure she was looking out for her daughters best interest as best as she knew how. I am sure some think her advice was not misguided. I did find something under infidelity on AOL where the person writing the article (dont remember the name) advocated never telling your spouse. I do want to ask my wife when I get home tonight, how many others know about her affair? Hopefully, it is just her mother. I don't know how other men who's wives have cheated feel, but I feel somewhat less of a man, and I feel like everyone around me knows about this, and looks down on me. I know this is irrational, since this was long ago, and we are in a different city and state now. But I can't help but feel like everyone is questioning my manhood.

TooMuchCoffeeMan wrote:

("As far as the idea of subjecting your children to a paternity test, I would advise you to think on it very carefully.

1.Can you handle the truth?

2.Will youur love for your children will be totally destroyed?

3.Are you are committed to a plan of action (marital rebuilding or divorce) if your worst fears come to be confirmed?

IF you can answer yes to all of the above, then by all means seek out the truth.")

TooMuchCoffee, I honestly don't know if I could handle the truth. I love my children very much. I can't imagine life without them, but I admit if I knew they were not mine, it would change things. I don't think I could or would walk out of their lives, but I do think it would change things. It would certainly change things with my wife. If I were to find out this had been an ongoing thing, and when I asked a direct question, she directly lied to me, that would probably be it. So, strictly talking about my children, I can honestly say I don't think I want to know the truth. But, strictly talking about my wife, I think I need to know if it happened again. I find myself torn on the paternity test issue.

Well, I am headed home. After our talk last night, I am not sure I have the energy for more tonight. I will start looking in the next few days for a marriage counselor. I think we have a lot to resolve before we can move on. I feel very violated, even though this happened ten years ago. But on the other hand, I don't think I feel the rage and anger that I imagine I would feel if this just happened last week. It was, after all, ten years ago, and if what she says is true, maybe she did learn from her mistakes. Thanks again everyone. I'll be back tomorrow.
Eric

Hi Eric,

Just my $0.02 worth on the paternity test issues...

Regardless of who the biological father is, you are their Dad. You've spent years in building good memories with your children.

If, for some reason, you did decide to have a paternity test done, and you found out that you weren't their biological father, what would you do with all of the "memories" that you've built with them?... Would you just throw them away <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , or would you continue to love them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ????

I was adopted. My parents knew that I wasn't their "biological" child, yet they loved me as their own. My mom and dad were the only parents that I ever knew. You are the only Dad that your kids know... does it really make a difference who the biological father is?

It's easy to get caught up in the pain and hurt and to start looking for ways to "make the WS pay"... getting a paternity test done to "prove" that your spouse was, once again, unfaithful, is one such tactic. But in the end, what does it really accomplish? If the test proves you're the biological father, then you've just subjected your W to a humilliating LB. If the test proves that you're not the biological father, then you will have "justified" your fears... but at what cost?... your marriage?... your love for your children?

I think that you should focus on rebuilding your marriage and not worry about the paternity issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Rebuilding in Faith 90:
<strong>Hi Eric,

Just my $0.02 worth on the paternity test issues...

Regardless of who the biological father is, you are their Dad. You've spent years in building good memories with your children.

If, for some reason, you did decide to have a paternity test done, and you found out that you weren't their biological father, what would you do with all of the "memories" that you've built with them?... Would you just throw them away <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , or would you continue to love them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ????

I was adopted. My parents knew that I wasn't their "biological" child, yet they loved me as their own. My mom and dad were the only parents that I ever knew. You are the only Dad that your kids know... does it really make a difference who the biological father is?

It's easy to get caught up in the pain and hurt and to start looking for ways to "make the WS pay"... getting a paternity test done to "prove" that your spouse was, once again, unfaithful, is one such tactic. But in the end, what does it really accomplish? If the test proves you're the biological father, then you've just subjected your W to a humilliating LB. If the test proves that you're not the biological father, then you will have "justified" your fears... but at what cost?... your marriage?... your love for your children?

I think that you should focus on rebuilding your marriage and not worry about the paternity issue. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Excellent post RIF90.

EricM, please consider RIF90's words (they are full of wisdom).

Hello again. I missed yesterday. Too much on my mind to even come online. Have been in a bit of a daze the past couple of days. I have thought a lot about the paternity test issue, in fact that has been the number one thing on my mind. I did not, and will not mention it to my wife. No sense in upsetting her. I have pretty much decided that I will not have the test done, unless I find out something else which would indicate she is lying to me about it being just the one incedent. She has been incredibly remorseful. I can see that the pain she inflicted on me is eating her up inside. On the other hand, she also seems to be somewhat relieved to have this out in the open finally. Like I said the other day, while I certainly am angry, I am not in the state of rage I always imagined I would be in if I ever found out my wife had an affair. I am incredibly drained though. I have no emotions right now. I don't feel up, I don't feel down. I don't really feel anything. Since our conversations when I found out and the next night, I have not even had the energy to talk about this further with my wife, or really talk about anything else. She tries. I can tell she wants to talk about it. This morning as I silently got up and started my routine to get ready for work, she just looked and me and said "I'm sorry". My daughter, without knowing what is going on, seems to sense something is wrong. She has been very clingy toward me since she got home from grandma's. But, she has always been a very bright,perceptive child.

How long will this daze last? How long will it be before I can take a step back, emotionally, and look at this clearly. I think the thing that bothers me the most about all this, is despite my initial fears regarding my wife, things had (apparently) gone well, and had gotten over the feeling that she was bound to do this, and long ago had stopped worrying about her cheating on me. Now all those fears are back.

I remember back when I was dating my wife, I discussed her past with my sister, who told me two things. First my sister said that what happened in the past doesn't matter and is none of my business. Second, she said in todays society, my wifes past was really no big deal. I don't know about todays society and moral standards, but I do remember thinking that the part about the past not mattering was baloney. In every aspect of our society, credit checks, job interviews, criminal matters, etc, we use past history as an indicator for future performance. That was what always concerned me, and it turns out I was right. Still haven't told my sister she was wrong. Not sure I should tell anyone else who doesn't already know what happened.

Well, thats enough for now. Guess I should try and get something done today.
Eric

Hi Eric,

I think you've made a good decision regarding the paternity issue.

As for your "feelings", this is a normal reaction. I just felt blah for several weeks after I found out about my W's two additional A's... Then I got good and angry. MC really helped keep us on track and our MC recommended that we read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder... This book really helped me put everything into perspective.

One positive note is the fact that your W is showing remorse and wants to talk with you. It took my wife several months before she would even have a discussion with me about the "past". My W felt better about confessing, but she wanted me to just "get over it"... which really made me angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . At least your W is willing to talk with you...

Take it one day at a time and realize that this is going to be a long (several years) process. It appears that your W is committed and that she's doing things to help rebuild the M... Be sure to thank her and let her know that you appreciate her efforts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

ERICM

First off I am truly sorry for the pain that you are in right now. It is an ungodly feeling and you may think that it will never go away, but it does. You have some really seasoned players that have already responded to you, so I won&#8217;t add anything else too much more in the advice arena.

I only question one thing. Make sure that you provide the &#8220;safe&#8221; environment to disclose everything for your wife and ask her lovingly to tell you everything that she needs to tell you now so that this type of accidental discovery never happens again. The only thing I have seen consistently is that the wandered spouse tries to spare our feelings even more by telling us &#8220;just enough&#8221; to the let the cat out of the bag, but they tend hold back the entire story in an effort not to hurt us any more than we already are. So just make sure that she has shared everything that needs to be said so you two can move forward from here.

I understand your pain and your anger. If you had known back then you most likely would&#8217;ve ended the marriage and moved on. But now, you have children and a house, and many years together and it&#8217;s not so easy to just walk away from the marriage or her. My wife had her affairs after I bought her a new car, refinanced the house and took a second, and accumulated significant other debt. Then later that year (after the affairs), we spent my retirement money from a previous job to pull our butts out of a financial jam. I wasn&#8217;t told of the indiscretions until March 2002. If I had known last year, I would not have &#8220;wasted&#8221; my retirement money on foolish debt. It would&#8217;ve gone to an Atty. Now I find myself really buried and resentful for it, but I am working on that too.

You are going to have to soul-search and see how love and devotion and forgiveness you have for you wife. If you have the truth and can work it out, do so. If you can trust that it was only a one-time thing in your whole history together, count your blessings. If you see real regret and sadness and pain in her, it certainly adds to her credibility a lot and it shows that it has bothered her conscience for many years. Hopefully she will understand that even thought it is years in her past now, it is totally brand new to you and as far as your feelings are concerned, it could just as well have happened last week.

Start doing the reading, together. Get her to this site too, if she is willing. There are so many supportive people here. She will not be persecuted. Anyone who is willing to accept responsibility for what they have done and are willing to grow and learn from it are welcome in this forum. You found the best site around for this type of situation in your life. It has helped me a lot.

I hope that you two can find your way through this. It will take time. Months, even years, but it is possible to heal and continue on even stronger than before. Good Luck and God Bless.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Blind Sided:
<strong>ERICM

I only question one thing. Make sure that you provide the &#8220;safe&#8221; environment to disclose everything for your wife and ask her lovingly to tell you everything that she needs to tell you now so that this type of accidental discovery never happens again. The only thing I have seen consistently is that the wandered spouse tries to spare our feelings even more by telling us &#8220;just enough&#8221; to the let the cat out of the bag, but they tend hold back the entire story in an effort not to hurt us any more than we already are. So just make sure that she has shared everything that needs to be said so you two can move forward from here.

I understand your pain and your anger. If you had known back then you most likely would&#8217;ve ended the marriage and moved on. But now, you have children and a house, and many years together and it&#8217;s not so easy to just walk away from the marriage or her. Good Luck and God Bless.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blind Sided,
Thanks for the thoughts. You highlighted something which reflects my thoughs exactly. I keep wondering if she is telling the truth in what she has admitted, but is intentionally (not through deceit so much, but to spare me further pain) witholding some of the truth, and down the road, will slowly let some more of the truth leak out. How do I find out though? You mentioned providing a safe environment for her to be able to tell the truth. I don't know how to do this. By that I mean, that now that she has admitted what happened, and told me with whom, how many times, etc, if she were to reveal more now, I would be very upset. Not because of the additional things that happened, but because of the lying. When this all came out, and we finally talked about it and she told me everything, I asked her, point blank, but very calmly, "is there anything more that I need to know"? Of course, as I just sat here and read what I just wrote, the phrase "that I need to know" jumps out at me. I suppose she could be taking the view that I don't need further details and that they would only hurt me. I guess I will have to be more careful in my phrasing next time. I will ask her "have you told me EVERYTHING". Like I said, I don't know how to make her feel safe to tell me everything, because I admit to myself that if more comes out at this point I will be very angry.

I also agree with what you wrote on the subject of ending the marriage vs staying and working on it. If I had known what had happened, when it happened, and given my fears about my wife based on her past behavior had just come true, I am sure I would have ended the marriage. Maybe the advice her mother gave her was not so bad, given the perspective of who's interests her mother was most interested in. Its true, that at this point, I can't just walk away. I have a lot invested in this marriage, emotionally financially, biologically (children), etc. Its not so easy to think of giving it up at this point, though the thought has crossed my mind. If nothing else, I could not do that to my children. Thats what scares me when I think about a paternity test. Even though I have raised them and love them, I am worried if I were to find out they are not mine, it would sure make it easier to walk out of the marriage.

To all the other betrayed spouses (BS's, I am paying attention now) how did you know if you were finally told the whole truth? Does there come a point where you stop to wonder, and just put your faith in your spouse that they are telling the truth? Or do you always wonder? If my W is telling the truth, I don't want to upset her by continuing to question it. On the other hand if she is still hiding something, I feel like I need to know. How do you walk this tightrope? I feel like if I make a mistake one way or the other, I am going to fall. Will marriage counseling help? I know from my research that there are some MC's who advocate never telling the spouse, so I am sure there would be some who would advocate not telling any more at this point.

Thanks everyone.
Eric

Hi Eric,

I hope that your W isn't playing the "Ask the Perfect Question" game... my W did that for several months and it really slowed us down. Of course you are wondering if she's told you EVERYTHING. I still wonder that myself sometimes, though not very often...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> To all the other betrayed spouses (BS's, I am paying attention now) how did you know if you were finally told the whole truth? Does there come a point where you stop to wonder, and just put your faith in your spouse that they are telling the truth? Or do you always wonder? If my W is telling the truth, I don't want to upset her by continuing to question it. On the other hand if she is still hiding something, I feel like I need to know. How do you walk this tightrope? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For me, my W's consistant, trustworthy behavior, over a long (several months to a year)period of time helped me get over the wondering. As time passed, I slowly started trusting my W more... I no longer related everything to the past and just didn't feel the need to ask anymore questions. Remember, YOU are the only one that can determine when you've asked enough questions. I came to a point where I started asking myself WHY did I need to have the answer for a question... and usually, after mulling it over, I decided that I really didn't need to know the answer. Give it some time and I think that you'll get to that point, especially if your wife is forthcoming with honest answers to your questions this early on...

MC won't make any of the pain go away. It doesn't offer any "short cuts"... but it WILL keep you and your W on track and focused. I truly believe that it would have taken twice as long to get where we are today if we hadn't gone to a MC.

Take care,
RIF90

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: Rebuilding in Faith 90 ]</small>

Hello folks. Wanted to post a quick update. Had a pretty good weekend. Went out to dinner with my wife, and we had a good talk. W feels very bad, and in my opinion is having a harder time with this than I am. I have read many posts here where the WS just wants things to get back to normal, and put the affair behind them. In my case, I am the one who really just wants to put it past us, and have things go back to normal. But, I know we can't. I don't think I will ever forget this, and it will cloud my view of my M and my W forever. I have, however, already forgiven. Maybe I am once again being naive, but I believe her when she says it has not happened again. Am I jumping the gun? Should I be more careful, should I do a little digging and see what I can find, quietly, without her knowing what I am doing? Am I again surrenduring my heart to her too quickly?

While we were talking, W agreed to MC. We are going to start looking together for a MC. I have already been doing a little looking. When we went to church, yesterday, we thought about talking with our minister about my discovery, and asking him for help finding a MC, but she was not ready to face him with this.

That's about all. I feel much better today. I finally got some sleep last night.(was the first night I have slept in bed with my wife since I found out) Thanks,
Eric

You said you thought about talking to your minister. I have a question that I hope doesn't hijack your thread and maybe I should post it under General Discussion, but here goes:
How much training have clergy had in marriage counseling? I really don't know and just wondered if they are considered professionally trained. And don't give me any of the bible thumping reasons, please. Have they had courses or what? Just wondering.....

I have not had the disclosure talk with my husband. I am waiting until we have a night by ourselves (when will that ever be?) to have it. I have rehearsed in my mind so many times what I want to start out saying, maybe this will help....

1. I'm asking these questions for me. I need to know the details, so I can know what I'm dealing with. I plan to have him read "Joseph's Letter" because it so eloquently explains how I feel about the "need to know".

2. I will not hold any of this against you in the future. I want a future but in order for that to happen I want to bury the past, not my head in the sand.

3. I'm not doing this to hurt you, embarrass you, make you mad or sad. It's strictly for my sake.

4. I want total, brutal honesty. If I have asked you questions before and you haven't given me the straightest of answers I want the straight answers this time. I will not be angry at you for telling me the truth this time. However, if you are untruthful and I would happen to find out the truth later, I will be angry and hurt.

5. There are going to be tears from us both. That is to be expected. Don't interpret my tears as a sign that I've had enough truth.

6. I will take my time and think my questions through before I ask them so that they don't appear to be LBing. Please bear with me.

Have I left anything out? I'm hoping to have this "talk" within the next two weeks. I'm nervous about bringing it up. How did you bring up the subject?

Hi Eric,

Glad to hear that you guys had a good weekend.

For me, I made a committment to stay in my M and do whatever it took to rebuild it to where God wanted it to be. Forgiveness was a process... I could only forgive what I knew, so in my case, it took over 10 years to "forgive" because I didn't know about my W's other A's until 10 years later... But I immediately made the decision to stay in my M.

I think that if your W is living in a trustworthy manner now, that any snooping/digging would be taken as a major LB. If her present ACTIONS lead you to believe that she may be straying again, then by all means, snoop/dig...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Am I jumping the gun? Should I be more careful, should I do a little digging and see what I can find, quietly, without her knowing what I am doing? Am I again surrenduring my heart to her too quickly?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't beleive you are jumping the gun because you are going to go to MC to find out what can be done on both your parts from having this ever happening again.

I would NOT recommend you do a 'little digging' because it could blow up in your face, instead I recommend that you reiterate to your W that she better come clean NOW because if she doesn't and you find out on your own that she purposely left some more info about her behavior for the last ten years, it could make you want to end the M later. Hopefully this will make her see that it is counterproductive in hiding anything else that she may consider damaging to the M for fear of you ending the M if she does confess.

Life will never be the same again because of your W's A but it has made you aware that there are factors inside and outside of the M that endanger it and that it is the responsibility of both to be aware of those dangers and to steer clear of them. At this point in time the greatest danger to your M may not be your W's A but you becoming possesed by anger and resentment towards her, so guard your heart against these destructive emotions.

Keep us posted.

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Your letter sounds so familiar. All of us betrayed spouses have known that twist of the gut that hurts more than you know it is possible to hurt. Read all the books you can,especially "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It is so hard to train your mind not to dwell on all the hurt and uncertainty, but the following story helped me.
Two Wolves:
A Native-American grandfather was talking to his grandson about how he felt...He said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate on."
The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"
The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."