My wife and I have been married for 2 years this Jan. We lived together for 3 or so years before that and I played a online computer game everynight and on weekends, most nights ignoring her completely. I now find out that shes been seeing someone that works at her company and had been lying about what she was doing many nights just to meet with this man. They both work in different buildings but they do bump into each other from time to time so not seeing him is not possable. Im now confused and hurt. I do not feel 100% sure about where she goes, but also feel "wrong" following and checking up on her. The day I found out she told me some of the truth about the affair but even now I do not feel that I know everything and feel that she is holding out information on me. She first said he tried to kiss her once and she pulled away but in days following my discovery I found out that they kissed a couple of times and she even had gone over to his house. Now she swears that they never had sex and only kissed but after being lied to already I dont feel secure.

I have given up my game (one I played for 3 years) and wait on her hand and foot but somehow feel that I might be fool and just kissing her butt all the wile getting set up for a letdown later. I rub her back and feet every night along with leaving work numerous times a day just to run errands for her or bring her food.

The part that hurts most was being lied to when I first came to her about the affair and the fact that she told me for the last 8 months or so shes been "building up a wall around her heart against me". She tells me that she is/was inlove with this other man and they have so much in common but Ive tried to tell her that many men play the "nice guy" just to sleep with someone and seeing this guy for 4-5 weeks could not develope into love unless more was done other then kissing.

Shes using the game I played as an excause for cheating along with fights over money (all of which was spent while the affair was going on). I admit I did play that game alot and the fights were justified in my eyes due to the fact she spent every penny we had saved. I now spy and snoop and find new question every day that I dont ask or she dosent have good answers for. One for example is a charge at a local lingerie store. I have found a few of the items in my house (not worn thank god) but there is still missing items she swears are here but I can not find them.

She knows I love her and have been inlove with her since the day we met. I know deep down inside I would stay with her even if she told me they did sleep together but im torwn between her swearing they didnt and my brain telling me noone falls inlove with someone in 4-5 weeks and only 5 kisses.

Can someones heart belong to 2 men at the same time? And is it possable to fall back inlove with someone that you fell out of love with? I cant even call her "babby doll" anymore because that reminds her of him. She started watching her "new favorite" movie Serendipity, which if you dont know is about 2 people that are both ingaged go seperate ways only to meet again and fall inlove. This man and my wife met years ago she says and now work for the same company, which is upsetting.

Sounds very simular to my cheating wife. I too played online games for my entire marriage. I was addicted to online games. I didnt show my wife enough attention. I even went as far as buying her a computer so she could go online and have fun WHILE I PLAYED. She chose chat lines to spend her time with. I had my Online game she had her chatting. She began flirting with a geek from another country for 9 months and on a trip to russia to meet her family she spent 2 weeks of unprotected sex with him. I found out right as she left his house and even found out his phone# and called him. He didnt know she was married and was shocked because she lied to him as well. The other man was also a victim and was in love with her. Im happy now that he didnt know because I was 1 day away from flying there to take some frustration out on him.

Your wife probably sees you as cheating on her for playing online games while she waited for you watching T.V. or whatever. You are addicted to your EQ/UO/DAOC etc. online games. She didnt understand that. Im not justifying sleeping with another man or falling in love with one while shes married but woman arent the same as they used to be. Marriage isnt what is was either.

Your wife almost 100% DID sleep with him, no man can spend that much time with a woman without sleeping with him, especially when the woman WANTS it.

Your wife is probably in shock at whats happening and thinks she loves this other man, but most likely doesnt, she gets attention from him, the sex part is comes with the affection.

I would sit your wife down and explain your addiction to Online games and that YOU needed the help and still do and if she still loves you then she better never contact the other man again.

Fortunatly my wife was with a skinny dorky looking Norweigean guy that physical attraction didnt play a part in her affair and couldnt satisfy her at all in bed, not even once in 2 weeks (this makes a hella difference to me, i dont know why) Anyways your going to feel like shes a pig and slut off and on, its been 3 months for me and i still see her as a stranger and a pig. Be sure you want to be her husband because it is hell.

Your wife sounds so much like mine that its scary, i thought my wife had to be utterly retarded but im happy to see theres atleast one other woman out there that thinks the same.

I do think if you sit her down and explain yourself and tell her to come clean with all her lies she will break down and tell you the truth. You need to know the truth, you need to know it all. Explain that you can try to work things out only if she is honost and ONE more lie will be all it takes for you to go crazy (and it will trust me). I dont believe in trying to save a marriage if the cheating spouse continues to lie and doesnt emmediatly confess and atleast rationally explain there actions after you tell them how you feel.

I make my wifes life miserable now but i dont mean to, i just cant understand her sleeping with another man. Try not to make her feel to bad, these cheating spouses are missing somthing in there brain/heart i cant really figure it out and never will.

My wife now cant believe she could do what she has done and NEVER ever even thinks of him and cant even find what she was feeling for him when she looks back.

My story might help you, but then again it might not.

Hi Luthor--

Sorry to hear about your situation, but if it heps any you are in the right place. I've only been dealing with this for a few days but this site has done wonders for me. If you haven't already, I suggest reading everything about infidelity and emotional needs on this site--it opened my eyes to a lot of things.

Even though there are things that contribute to someone having an affair, there is NO excuse for it. It is wrong no matter how much they can try to justify it in their minds.

From what little i know, i doubt she is in love with this OM. It is infatuation. She may not see it that way but she may not see a lot of things right now.

Good luck to you. There are many people here that will give you some great advice. I know the things that i have heard and read the most are--hang in there, don't give up hope, and it takes time (the most important but unfortunately the hardest one).

I have since then stoped playing the game(was AC) and now devote my entire free time to helping my wife and catering to her needs. I rub her down after work (she works 10-12 hours a day) I also do all the house work (before I wanted and expected her to do it all). We are also spending less so the money fights have stoped. My main problem now is a time issue. If she tells me shes leaving work I wait the 10 mins it takes to get home and after 15 mins I start to get a sick to my stomach feeling and start calling her cell phone non stop. All this time she has stoped for gas, food, etc and I feel like a jerk for not trusting her. I have even gone as far as drive past her dealership just to see if they really are open late and see if shes there. Ive only driven there once but the thought has occured to me many times now.

She knows im trying to deal with this as best I can and always shows me her phone when It rings so I can see the caller ID number and such. She has given me full access to her bank account and the password to her voice mail in hope that it will show me she has nothing to hide.

I do in my heart believe she never slept with this guy, but there is now always the thought of "what if". I now feel like im walking on egg shells and the next fight might send her off again.

We have been spending more time together......even thought its shopping for her but it feels good to "date" her again. We make "dates" to go out on nights and weekends and so far its been working. Even right now as I type this shes spending her "free time" in a warm bath. I pray this works out but I think I will always live with the thoughts of "what if".

I think you need to evaluate what your doing. Your wife cheats on you and your trying to cater to her?

She needs a lot of explaining to do to keep you with her, not the other way around. That was your wife that was with another man, you werent paying enough attention but it doesnt give her the right to cheat on you. What happens if you lost a leg in an accident or were in the hospital for a year? because you werent able to give her attention, she has the right to sleep with another man?

Your wife is going to cheat on you again, there a difference between showing affection and being weak. If you keep up the "cater to her every whim" shes going to lose respect for you and you can never get respect back ever. The affection has to be mutual.

You should not feel like a jerk because you dont trust your wife. She cant be trusted! Shes a cheating spouse.

If your so worried about her seeing the other man i would contact the other guy and make it VERY clear to stay away from your wife or ****s gona hit the fan and that he doesnt want that. I made it 110% clear to the other man that i was willing to whatever it takes etc etc. to stop him from contacting my wife. He didnt know my wife was married but after everything was out in the open he contacted her 2-3 times to see if she was ok. Its not my concern and its not your concern how the other man feels, your job is to try to make it right with your wife IF you can and want. Im not saying go threaten the guys life just make him aware that trouble will follow.

Might be a good idea to have her do some nice things for you like ask her to be your stylist and pick out some clothes for you when you go shopping. Women Love to do that kind of stuff, you probably been out of touch with reality playing AC so long that dont realize how much it means to her when your happy and thankful for something she did for you.

Remember you neglected her but SHE neglected your needs as well and SHE is the one who smashed your marraige to hell and SHE needs some explaining and come clean.

Again i could be wrong, i thought i could never try to work things out with my wife if she ever slept with another man and im still here. I was 1 day away from cheating on my wife because i was so upset and sickend, she even found out and explained to me she understood what i was going to do and if that would make me forget how much of a pig she was etc. then do whatever i needed to but please dont leave her and be a bad person like her.

Your heading for good times and living hell. Take your time and dont do somthing stupid.

Hi Luthor--

Just wanted to tell you don't be so hard on yourself for not trusting her-- I'm sure that everybody here feels that way--it's only natural. However, try not to LB. It sounds to me like she is trying to be open and honest--try to keep those lines of communication open. It sounds like you are off to a good start with plan A and dont let anybody discourage you. True, there is no excuse for an affair and I think she knows that she was wrong. The affair itself was not your fault and tho some advice may make you feel that way, the point of plan A is that there were things going on in the relationship that shouldn't have been, or there weren't things going on that should have been. What needs to happen now is for both of you to work on changing those things. I know that it may feel like you are doing this alone, and I feel that way too a lot of the time, but even thought it takes both people to make a marriage work, somebody has to start it. I think you are off to a great start and I wish you the best of luck. Do your reading and anytime you get discouraged or need to vent, this is the best place to do so. Take care and keep up the good work!

Thanks alot for the advice guys its helping <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Im home alone this Friday night because my wife went with 2 friends(both Ive know longer then Ive known her so I know its safe)out to seven springs, which is a local resort. She did call me once she got there and im now awaiting her 2nd call of the night before I go to bed. We have been working hard at making the marriage work, even though its hard for me at times. I know December will be hard because she has 2 work dinners that she wants to go to. One is a managers only meeting so I know that he will not be there and the Christmass one might be employees only no spouses. Thats the one I have a problem with. I already told her that if I cant go to it then she cant either. I feel somewhat bad about that demand but hell I think Ive been through enough now that I can start placing some ground rules. Afterall if she had come home all thoses nights when I was on the game and asked to watch a movie or talk or whatever I would of jumped at the chance so I was ignored as well I feel.

I feel a little nervous now because shes out without me but the 2 girls shes out with I can trust to take care of her, and seven springs is too far for me to drive out to to check up on her.

Has anyone else gone through this snooping and spying stage? When I do drive to her work at night to check up on her or look through her phone I almost feel disapointed that I dont find her lying/cheating. Is that normal?

We've all done the snooping! So yes, that's a completely normal reaction. Just be honest about the snooping. Or at least, I was. H didn't much like it, but knew I was going to do it rather he liked it or not, he could make it easier or harder...but if he made it harder, it would only come back and bite him, if/when I discovered something. Plus, if he kept me in the dark, then my imagination went into over-drive...something he did not want to deal with. So he pretty much let me do whatever I needed to do. (Do know tho, that this is a false sense of security...if the spouse really wants to cheat...you can't control that.)

As for the Xmas party...I agree with you...actually I'd agree even if there wasn't a past betrayal involved. Office/Business Parties after hours either should include the spouses, or the employees shouldn't go. Work has no business cutting into family time. Now business lunches...or anything that takes place during working hours...that's a different matter. jmho The managers only dinner would also be acceptable...but not a party! Considering how many affairs happen between co-workers...I feel that "partying" without spouses isn't a good idea...bad for business...bad for marriages.

Hey again Luthor--
I'm in total agreement with just a wifey on this one. Your W may not be too happy about the snooping, but if she had been honest with you before you probably wouldn't need to.
Also I think it is inconsiderate of employers to have Christmas dinners and parties that don't include family. This may be fine for single people, but why make a person with a family choose between family and work? I think the managers' dinner meeting should be ok if OM won't be there. Anyway, like I said, I am in total agreement with just a wifey. Take care
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

dear luthor-hi i'm sorry your in the position you are in. my husband runs an auto dealership-is this the kind of dealership your wife works for? if so i understand. i have lived this life for over 10 years. the hours and unexplained time is gonna be very hard to deal with. my husbands otherwoman also worked for him. she is still with the company but in another location. (not far enough if you ask me, but siberia wouldnt be far enough.)

i also have to deal with manager meetings and reward dinners. employees only-however he lied about the last one so i dont think he will be going to anymore. i have his holiday party in 2 weeks. the party is at the same hotel they were at last year. he took her and lied to me and they spent the night there in a room together. i will go to this years party, if for no other reason than to claim my place again. i know she will be there, i know it will be tough, but i have lost enough of my life to their bad decisions.

anyway-i'm here, and if its the same situation, ask away, hopefully i can help.

No shes a manager of a dealership and hes at another location, but somehow I cant blame him. My wife is awsome and if I was not married to her I would chase after her, shes just that awsome! I blame her 100% because she let him into our relationship. I did think about calling him(I have his cell and work numbers) but only thought I would make him call her and then I would be on the "outside" again as they "deal" with me.

I did just have a talk with her about trying to work on the marriage better. I have changed my lifestyle 100% for her. I no longer play my online game and am only online when shes not home. I have bit my tongue about the spending and keep from fithing with her. She on the other hand has left me home alone at night 3 times now since D Day and seemed upset that I asked her to follow some "house rules". Its not that I cant or dont trust her its just that im working on mending our marriage and she is still living the same life that she did before the affair. I feel its a bit selfish and would like her to try harder if she wants to remain my wife.

Ive already told her no matter what im not leveing her but things will change if she dosent start working at this marriage. I dont like her not comming home at night(she stays at her grandmothers house some nights) but I only want her to put forth some kind of effort.

This is Luthor's wife, and I just want to tell my side of the story. My husband is talking about this websight and how much it's helping him so I have decided to try it out too. I feel the need to explain myself, since people are bashing me for being unfaithful to my husband. There were many reasons for me to build the brick wall that I did and to cheat like I did. There were so many things that he said to put me down and make me feel like I was a nobody. The one thing that sticks out in my head the most is the fact that my father, had very risky back surgery, and there was a possibility that he would not be able to walk ever again from it. This was a hard thing for my family to endure, and when he awoke from the surgery he could not move his legs or feel anything below the waist. I went home to my husband, and tried to talk with him about it. All I wanted him to say to me was, don't worry, everything will be alright. He'll get through it. But instead I got, "how is this my problem" and then I got the cold shoulder. I left the house that day in tears. I know that no marrige is perfect, but any human being that remotly has feelings should have comforted let alone went to the hospital to sit while you and your family sat and waited. I had to be the strong one for my younger brother and sister. I had to hold my mom up when she cried. And when I needed someone to hold me up the one person that I thought I could trust, was not there for me. I found out a couple of months ago that it is almost impossible for me to have children. When I tried to talk with my husband about it, he shrugged his shoulders about it and went on playing his game. There were times when he screamed and yelled at me and belittled me in front of my family. I am not an overweight person by any means. And I went one day at a family function to get something and he said to me.... Do you really need that? My aunts just looked at me and were amazed that he would say something like that to me. I can recall one time where he basically had sex with me, the phone rang got off of me looked at me and said in so many words, you don't do anything for me anymore. Then he went off to call his employee (who happens to be a beautiful girl) There was constant bashing of me, like I was a nobody, "go out and get a real job" the corparate job I had with a bank was not good enough. It may not have paid the best but I kept up with his salary, and I worked a second job at my family's restraunt. My life with him was not good. Then came the day where I made it big, and I got a job that was a once in a lifetime oppertunity. So I took the risk and I took the job. Now that i'm making more money than him, I almost think he has a problem with it. After the thing with my dad happend, I met Jason. I know this is going to hurt my husband for writing this but I too, have to get everything out and in the open. I went out with the people from work the one night and when I walked into the bar, there were people from several of my different dealerships there, me being the new manager from the mitsubishi store got introduced to everyone in the place. Then walked in this man, he came over and introduced himself to me. The minute I looked at him, I thought to myself I know this guy from somewhere. He asked me the same question, do I know you from somewhere? It was almost like time stood still. I sat and talked with him that whole night and it felt like the whole world was just revolving around him and I. He asked if I was married. And I told him that I was. But we kept on talking. He had a girlfriend (he was seeing the owner of my dealership's niece) He told me that they were having problems. I told him that my husband and I were having problems. The strange part of it is that about eight months prior to meeting him my mom, aunt, sister and I were at a psychic (and I know people are weird about that but just bear with me on this one) She told me that I was going to be making a very large career change, and that I was not to be married to my husband. She told me that one day before the year ended that I would meet a man named Brett, and that instantly I would know that I was suppost to be with this man. She told me that this was my true soul mate and it was who I was suppost to marry. Jason ended up calling me the next day and said to me that I left such an impression on him that he had to call to say hi. We agreed to meet for dinner that night after work. I lied to my husband and told him I was going out with my mom and sister. They were there but just not around me. Jason and I met that night and talked about so many things, before that night was over, we found out that him and I have met before, I measured him for a tuxedo when I worked for a tuxedo company six years ago. He told me that I left such an impresson on him that everytime he was in that mall he looked for the mystery tuxedo girl. The funny thing is, I remembered him. He also said so I knew that he was not lying to me that he knew what kind of top that I was wearing. I still have that shirt to this day. Before that night ended, I asked him, what was his middle name out of curiosity. He said to me Brett why? My heart stopped. Not only did I meet him six years ago but his middle name was Brett. This scared me. Two months went by and my feelings for Jason kept getting stronger. They were so strong, that if he would have asked me to marry him, I probably would have said yes. My husband and I had so many problems and with him always putting me down and yelling at me like I was nobody, I let my feelings go for Jason and I basically fell in love. Some of you will probably say it's just an infatuation, but I say wrong. When my husband found out about it, I was not ready for what was about to happen. Do I let someone go that was my husband and one of my best friends (even though he had made me feel like dirt) or do I take the fork in the road, move in with my grandmother and continue seeing Jason. After seeing how bad I had hurt my husband, I decided to stay with him. Jason and I never had sex, I couldn't bring myself to it. The morals that were involved with it would have killed me. I still see Jason every other day but on a work related relationship, he told me that he understood what was happening and that he would support whatever decision that I made. I told him that it was going to be hard since him and I both worked at the same dealership. He basically told me that untill I asked him, he would keep the relationship on a professional level. We had to, I was a manager. Then on this past friday, he called me and told me that he took another job at a different dealership because he could not stand seeing me like he did. Now i've hurt both men, I feel horrible and all I want to do is cry everytime I see eather one. I understand that my husband does not trust me. I know that I should be kissing his butt right now. But at the same time, I just want to be by myself. He does not understand it, but on the same token, it hurts to see Jason, and wonder the what if's. It's going to be easier now that I won't have to see him like I do now. I want to try to make things work with my husband. But at the same time, I don't like the fact that he is up watching me, or it's like pulling teeth to go to dinner with my mom while she is sitting next to me. I was going in my mom's car. He made a big deal about it. My grandmother and I spend one night together per week, It's her "girls night" as we call it. We sit and talk and drink tea most of the time watch chick movies. Now he does not want me to even go and see her. He has reason to not trust me, I understand that, but I show him every phone call I get on my phone, i've given him the password to my voicemail, and I tell him evertime I see Jason. (work purposes only) I don't really know what to do.........
Can anyone suggest anything to me.
I am not a bad person, my husband is really trying to be a better person, but in my mind what i'm thinking is, will he go back to that person that I hated being around, will he go back to yelling at me or making me feel like the lowest piece of scum on earth. I have really tried to make this work the past two weeks, But I have to admit he smothers me to no end. And sometime I just want to be by myself. Is this wrong?

Any suggestions would help

dear mitsugirl, hello- welcome to marriage builders. i'm sorry it took so long for someone to get back to you. i've been busy and its very quiet on the weekends. i assume you are a manager in the office at the dealership? my husband is general manager. he also started very young and it is a great opportunity.

i'm not gonna bash you or put you down for your reasons. i understand both sides of your lives-i live them both. my husband is never home or available to me. the stress of the job carries over into our home lives. i basically have always joked i am the happiest married single mother of two you want to meet.

all that said, you made a choice, no-one took away your other available choices. in fact you have a great paying job, no kids, i'm sure you could have left him and started over with jason if you really wanted to. but what you did was wrong. just like what luthor did was wrong. now we can argue till the cows come home who was more wrong but that will get you one place-divorced. someone very wise once told me- do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?? you are both here so im getting the feeling-married. if so you are in the right place.

first off, read surviving an affair-i promise you wont regret it. follow it like a bible. if you truely want to recover, it is a way to begin.

you guys can turn this into a posting war, i've seen it happen. or you can look to all of us for help and guidence. more people will post, i promise.

where are you all from. i'm in new jersey.

Oh we will not turn this into a posting war <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We live in Pittsburgh PA BTW. She already has the answers to everything she posted above....she had me read it while on the phone with her. It hurts me alot knowing I put her through so much pain. I cry thinking about how miserable ive made her at times. Today we talked about this forum and our lives. We both want to stay married but she is afraid of me reverting to the husband I once was and ignoring her and im afraid if I get her mad or upset shell cheat on me. I have not even as much as posted on the forum of the game I once played let alone played it. And our fights about money have ended...she even spent 124.00 on her hair and I didnt even get pissed at her (after all its money and my wife is worth more then all the money ill ever make in a lifetime). With this guy leaving her company im hoping that she stops thinking about him and recenters herself on our marriage and our future.

We did keep our families out of this but did talk to friends and got advice and semi councialing from it. We are both gald that we had no children to explain this to or to hurt.

Ive explained to her that for the next few weeks she will have to change her habbits and center on me for a bit to get me reassured and confindent in our relationship. I dont like that fact the she still goes out with friends/family and stays out overnight. I asked her to stop that for awile just till I get adjusted with this whole mess. She didnt like that idea but im hoping she can work with me instead of letting this be my problem and making me fix everything alone. I know everyone deals with things differently but not changing yer habbits/routine from what it was when the affair was going on isnt right in my mind. I feel we should spend weekends together and days off jus to get reacquainted with eachother.

I understand this will take time and effort on both our parts and hope my wonderfull wife will join me in this difficult journey. I pray each night that we will have all our problems fixed by Jan for our 2 year anniversary.

Luthor

I'm very sorry that your relationship has come to this point but as both of you make it very clear, this has been coming to this for a long time. It sounds like you both were missing the whole point you decided to get married and commit to one another and went separate ways with each failing to even attempt to fulfill many of the others needs.

My advice for now is to get off your wife's back and recommit yourself to changing things in you and your heart. Good things will follow. It will take alot of energy and patience and you will feel like giving up and mailing it in but stay true to your course. Your wife has many reasons to not have confidence in you and to not trust you for your word. You have probably said many times you wouldn't repeat these same problems that you both speak of and you have probably broken those promises each time. Look back at your own track record honestly and see where you've wounded her and helped push her away. Does it justify what she's done? Absolutely not, but it will help you understand where she was when someone stepped in to fulfill certain needs that you were ignoring.

Luthor, I say these things because my story is very similar to yours. I never realized how much I pushed my wife away and how much she actually would verbalize her hurt and how it made her feel until things really got bad. I am currently working my tail end off to undo many years worth of wrong for the rest of my lifetime worth of right. Does my wife kiss, hug and make love to me? She does but not with the same zeal she once had. She doesn't trust me and doesn't have the confidence in me she one had. She wants to which is exactly what I hear from your wife. She wants you to be hers but not as you were before. There are things you must change to win her over and win her back and they must become lifelong changes. I am working on a re-connection with my wife like I've never before and so should you my friend. Your life will be far more enriched in the end. I wish you patience and strength in your endeavor. Good luck.

I have to disagree with you here. She says to me this buliding of the wall against me took place over 8 months.....ive played that game for 3 years. Also her habits of going out overnight with friends or staying over at her grandmothers houes(which she said she was doing before just to see him) continue. I feel that if she means to save this marriage she should make an effort and spend time with me to heal our wounds. This can not be saved by me alone. I admit I was mean to ignore her but I also inturn was being ignored. There were many nights I asked her to go out or lay with me and watch TV or talk only to be told she was tired or didnt feel like it.

luthor-are you expecting her to be perfect overnight? this will all take time. lots of time. you have to work on you-let her worry about her-by making yourself stronger and fixing what needs fixing with you, you will notice a difference.

i have come to a point-a year later-that his behavior is all on him. he knows what i want, need, and expect. he is either going to do it and be here or not. i love him to death, but i cant force him to do things my way.

as for the building walls-ours took years.

Hi mr & mrs Luthor--
I think it is nice to be able to see both sides of the situation. I'm not going to offer all my opinion on this--a lot of it would just be echoes of others. I just want to say good luck and I wish the best for y'all.

Well, Luthor and I had another fight today. How do you sort out your feelings in just one day? I know we have been trying to mend things up but today he put a time limit on my decision. How do you do something like that? Do I choose the path with him or do I go and be bymyself (which I know that I need, but it's him or nothing) I need to sort through everything! This is how i'm feeling and it's hard to go through all this! I hate feeling this way, and some days I want to be with my husband and other days I think I just need time to figure out what is best for me/us. I feel really bad putting him through this! I am heading to my grandmothers house tonight, I am going to sit down and talk with her and see what she says to do. I value her opinion so much. I only want to do whats right but I'm hurting my husband at the same time. Wow when people said this was going to be hard, I didn't realize how hard it was going to be. Is it wrong of me to want to be bymyself to sort these things out?

My wife is right, I did give her a time limit to make a decision. After a pretty good weekend was ruined by seeing the OM on his motorbike and that made her act all distant for the rest of the shopping trip we were on. I see everyday reminders of my ex loves and never act/respond like she did. Another couple was with us and even remarked how strange she was acting(taking off towards the store and not waiting for me/us, not talking, leaving stores to go to another one w/o waiting for us).

Since D Day and finding out what I did to upset her I have changed 100%, I no longer play ANY computer games(even sold my PS2), and I havent had a fight with her about anything(even money). Now she says shes afraid of me reverting back to these ways, but I would like some response in her daily routine. She has not changes ANYTHING she did while the cheating was going on. She still has no problem going out overnight with her grandmother(something she lied about to see him), spending time with her mother/sister(same here just to see him), and taking all day trips when I also have the day off. Now if I had been the cheating spouce you can bet I would spend every amount of free time with her untill she suggest me do otherwise. Afterall she did say one main reason she cheated was because I didnt pay attention to her.......same thing she is doing now.

When the affair started she started sleeping facing the other side of the bed and not even close to me.....something she didnt do the entire time we were together. She dosent even touch me inbed, and IT hasent changed! She still(after saying shes trying to fall in love with me again) lies on the edge of the bed and facing away from me, never call me when I ask numerous time to PLEASE call when she gets to where shes going, and still stays the night at grandmas house even though I asked her to stay and talk with me. She stayed there 3 days after D Day even.....and I cried for her to stay with me and talk/cuddle.

I dont think Im being unfair here by saying ive waited for over 2 weeks and ANY change in her personality/attitued and upon seeing NOTHING gave her a deadline. I feel why stay with someone that dosent love you as much as another I cant make her love me anymore if she dosent want to even try.

Even now shes over at Grandmas house telling her "best friend" everything that happened. It wasnt even a big enough deal to tell her best friend in the world all this before. The only reason shes telling grams now is because she is backed into a corner. I think shes trying to live through this so I will forgive and forget but I did forgive just I need assured that she still is inlove with me and not another.

I told her before we married that I would never be a rich man. Never be a good looking man(er more good looking then I already am...hehe), never be famous, or anything but I did promise to her and God almighty that I would love and cheish her for the rest of my life. I will remain loyal to my wife untill I die. But I cant not and will not remain here pretending that she loves me and not the OM. Its not fair to myself or to her...If shes inlove with him then go and be with him. I only want what makes you happy.....That is True love, Loving someone so much that yer feelings dont matter as much as theirs. I guess im off to pray and await the answer she will have tomorrow. Wish us luck.

Luthor

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 09:39 PM: Message edited by: Luthor ]</small>