MG
Quit putting off what you need the most...an objective third party. In other words, MC/IC. You can give us a million justifications, we've heard them all. You aren't unique. Your reponses are typical. You've gotten some excellent advice. Quit running away and face your problems. They won't go away on their own.

mitsugirl23 you are not a bad person, just a person that has made dumb choices (but haven't we all?).

You and Luthor need to go to counseling because both of you need to face your individual issues that have put a wall between you two and develop a plan to resolve them so that your M will heal.

Your M may or may not survive, but at least do everything in your power to save it so that even if it does not survive, you can then hold your head high and say 'I did my best but it was not meant to be'. You will also improve as a person and if and when you begin another R, you will have the tools necessary to make your R the best it can be. But in order to do this you MUST end all contact with your OM.

I wish you and Luthor the best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by mitsugirl23:
<strong>2Long,
Jason will probably will not be out of my life for a while. He works at the same company that I do. In fact, he is one of my employees. I am in all actuallity his boss. He got divorced already, and he has told me the things and feelings that I am feeling now. He does not by any means think that what we have going on is right. It might also have something to do with the fact that I am 23 years old. And he is 33.

So sometimes I make excuses that I got married way too young. I was not able to live the life that my friends lived. When I turned 21 the H was 28. He was out of the whole going out and having fun stage, because when I met him, he had done all that.

I can remember a time where him and I were in the car and he said to me, "Sometimes I get scared that you are going to leave me because I have not let you lived how any young person lives. I held you back from College, and I resent myself for that, but I think you know what I mean" So he knew that I was held back from all the things that my other family members have done.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats kind of scared me. I was 23 when I met OM and he were 28, my husband is 33.Heh. And I got married when I was 19.
Your OM sounds pretty much like the guy I was with. I never had any pressure from him to do anything either.
When he find out that I have husband he asked me what am I going to do. I told him that I am planning to stay in Russia and that my husband wanna have divorce and he said that he respects any desstion I make and that if I want he will meet me some time soon in Russia and that we will start everything over.
My husband asked me to not contact OM in any way ( no phone calls, no emails etc). and I prommised him that I wont contact OM. So a week later after I stoped talking to OM things start looking alot clearer to me ( I must edit: when I was with Om I knew that what I was doing is wrong, but I wasnt expecting anyone to find out about it, so at that point I didnt wanna hurt OM feelings or my H), my husband start writing nice emails to me, about our life together that we had, things that we did etc. This is when I actually woke up and realized that I have done big mistake. But then again I wasnt expecting that anyone would ever find out about it. So I didnt mean to heart anyone in my relationship.

I just think maybe you should really take advice and stay away from OM for a week or more if he really loves you or if he is going to wait for you like you think, he will understand you. Spend some more time with your husband, talk to him, dont talk about what you feel for another man, just think about time that you had with your husband when you got married, and tallk to him about it, maybe you two can have some nice time after work or do sometinf fun at work. Cal your husband at lunch time, ask him how hes doing etc. If you really love him, it will return to you and you see the things other way around you forgive him every little thing he ever said to you (trust me, my husband said to me more hurteful things then just "why is it my problem?" when I was needed his support).
Right now, I cant imagine how I would be without my H. And you think my life i a sugar after I came back home? I've being crying every single day for 3 months now, my bags were packed for a month because I didn't know when he will be ready to kick me out from his house.
But when he isnt angry at me I can see that this man is madly in love with me and it makes me want him even more then ever.
Sometimes I think that my A is brought us back together, I don't know if it possible though. But I don't even think of OM, all I'm thinking is how I can save this M together.

Please don't give up on your husband and I hope your husband wont give up on you. I dont think he should set some time limits on your decitions though, You need some time as well. Take a break from everyone and mostly from your OM. Trust me, if you really care about your H and if you really love him you someday everything will be fine. Just give it some time.
Just 4 months ago I thought that I'm in love with OM and that there was nothing ever good with my H, now when I look at my feelings for OM I dont think it was the real love...
ANd trust me I know exactly how I feel. You probably thinking that you dont need anyones advice and you are a big girl to decide what to do on your own...Just dont do the same mistake as I did, before you start another relationship end first one, before you end first one give it some time and effort to get back together. And I dont mean just sit back and wait for you H to give up everything for you and just wait till things get the way you want them on your own, you have to try as hard as you can as well.

Good luck

and sorry for my poor English

<small>[ November 26, 2002, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: cheating wife ]</small>

WOW....only my wife can blow up a topic like this....thanks for the advice guys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ok let me roll on now...

Never said anything about the colledge thing to her. She never for a scolarship cause she got hurt and cant play ball anymore thats the truth.

She was 21 and I was 26 when we were married not 28.

And after D Day a promise was made to me that you would not see the OM and I inturn would not play the game OR fight with you. I, to THIS VERY DAY have still kept my end of the promise! You went to his house 3 days AFTER D DAY!!! And yet I still give you another chance.

I have talked to her family(and more then she knows about) and ALL of them tell me to DUMP HER! But love is blind and im a fool inlove with her and am giving her another chance. I still believe that when yer inlove you do what makes the other happy regardless to yer own feelings and thats what im doing.....again.

Tonight she went over to her cousins houes(shes home from school) and she did as I asked and called when she got there(caller ID is a godsend). Im now awaiting the return call from her house then ill set my watch for her return home. This believe it or not goes a LONG way to regaining trust for her.

I know everyone said I cant set a time limit but after lying and seeing him 3 days after D Day and up untill lastnight acting like they never say each other I feel I can set a time limit. I just want her to put forth a effort and try to save the marriage she cried to me lastnight that she wanted to save.

I am asking her to send him a "good bye" letter. Ive seen some ways to write one and feel if I proof read it and see her send it that might help....O should I call and ask him to stay out? OR should I get them both fired from their jobs?

Im sure my wife still has secrets that she will go to her grave with and ill never know but after all that has happened im to the point now that I might be better off w/o her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Im sick to my stomach whenever shes not accounted for, feel upset when she goes out, and im getting tired of chasing after someone who really dosent want to be loved by me I dont think.

Well its 11pm, she should be calling within 30 mins or so she told me. Ill start reading SAA and see what im doing wrong so I can mend this Marriage more or prepare for the aftermath if we cant fix things.

Wish us luck (she really is a wonderfull woman and even now I love her as much as I did on our wedding night.....I know im a fool for it though)

Luthor

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Wish us luck (she really is a wonderfull woman and even now I love her as much as I did on our wedding night.....I know im a fool for it though)

Luthor
"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luthor don't turn your marriage into a yoke that your W has to bear. Make her realize that she is with you out of her own free will and that she is free to leave at any time she wants. So many of us guys want to keep the women in our lives as though they are property and end up losing them because they feel they have a ball and chain around their necks. Don't do this, and express to her that you do not want her with you out of any obligation, but because SHE WANTS to be with you.

Good luck and God bless to both of you.

I know this is a problem we both have to work on and its not just up to her, but shes got feelings in herself that need sorted out before she can commit to either of us.

She is mad now that I talked to her mother and grandmother( the 2 people that know her best) but I wanted advice from her side of the family. I already knew what advice my side would give and what my friends would say, but the sad part is her family said the same things prettymuch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I dont want her to stay with me if she thinks the OM is her "soul mate" and that he is her "true love". Ive read SAA and we are living through Sue and Jons problem to a tee(all but the kids part). I read a few parts to her lastnight but she was tired and I dont think she payed much attention to me.

Her cousin is in from school and she wants to go out to a club with her tonight. I feel sick about this thought but she did offer to have me drive both ways but even though who knows who might show up there. I know sonething will be said tmorrow at dinner and I almost dont want to go over to my inlaws house but they are wonderfull people and already said I would attend.

Im hoping my wife will read SAA and write the OM a letter if thats the way she feels otherwise She has to let me know how she stands.

Luthor

I did listen to what my husband said to me last night. I was listening to the stories, but when I found out he went to the people that know me the most, I got very angry and upset. Ok I've accepted the fact that my grandmother got involved but when I asked him what he was doing over my parents house, he said I go over to talk to them all the time. So that made me think, then I asked him if he said anything to my mother about it and he said no. I wish he would have just said yes I did. Instead I had my mom tell me. She didn't know what to say to him.

Luthor if mitsugirl23 is correct that you lied to her, then how can you demand honesty from her if you are not showing honesty yourself? Dishonesty and lies will destroy any trust between you two and the M eventually. Show your W leadership in honesty and she will probably reciprocate in kind.

See mitsugirl23 how we also use our virtual 2x4's on our own kind when they mess up?

Honesty is a two way street. The two of you need need to learn that valuble lesson BEFORE you proceed any further. Trust is based on one's ability to be be honest, if you can't be honest, don't expect to be trusted. Don't expect honesty to be given to you if you can't be honest with others (especially your spouse). How many more lies before you two start to 'get it'???

LOL

Her mother heard about the entire affair from ME, not anyone else. The look of shock in her eyes said it all. Im thinking my wife told her mother we were having problems and a few of the things I had done(playing the game and fighting with her) that night she was over, because her mother said this was the first she heard of an affair and even asked me if I was sure she was involved. And as far as you asking me if I taked to her about it that happened today...and I said yes I did!

So either yer mom lied to me(runs in the family?) or your lying now(would that surprise me?). Either way what did I have to gain lying about weather I talked to her or not? Like that would push you further away then you already are.

I think the problem here is the same that is addressed in SAA. "as long as no one knew about her affair, no one would ever be hurt." Im thinking that because my wife refuses to talk to her "best friend"(grandmother) and her mother about this whole thing(untill I talked to them) she is "living a secret life" and trying to keep the affair between myself, her and the OM.

So either yer mom lied to me(runs in the family?) or your lying now(would that surprise me?). Either way what did I have to gain lying about weather I talked to her or not? Like that would push you further away then you already are.

Luthor how can you expect your W to be open and honest if this is how you view her (and her family)? At this point you make it seem like she's shot at and hit no matter what she says or does. I know trust is hard to get back...BUT...YOU need to give HER as much honesty as YOU expect in return! And stop bashing her family in the process, that accomplishes nothing but to make her (and them) angrier.