Update:

WH and I have been filling out the rest of our paperwork from this site. I know I have been overloaded with honesty and it is going to take me a while to sort through it emotionally, but I told WH that if there was anything ever that he was the slight bit dishonest about in the past and would like to clear up with me, that he could do on paper or face to face with me between now and Christmas without repurcussions so that I would have time to ask as many questions about it as I needed to and come to some kind of peace with it between now and New Year's Day.

I told him that I wanted to be able to be in recovery by New Year's. I told him that so long as he told me whatever it was he needed to tell me that I would be okay. What I wouldn't be okay with is to believe we were in recovery only to continue to be told new stuff that would set us back to zero. I especially didn't want to learn things from third parties.

WH agreed that he would come totally clean about everything. He told me that he has come clean about the big stuff, but that he will come clean about the little stuff as well. WH also invited me to come to his workplace to introduce me. In the 7 years we have been married, I have never gone to his workplace. I'm not sure that I am going to be able to do that. While I do enjoy the fact that he is opening up that facet of his life to me, I'm not particularly machocistic enough to do that to myself.

WH told me that he didn't realize that when I pulled away from him emotionally that it was a direct result of his behaviors because he thought I didn't know what was going on since there was no confrontation about it back then. WH told me that he simply thought I didn't love him anymore. He says that he can see where his behavior outside of our marriage created the problems within our marriage. I told him that his view of inside or outside may be a problem in and of itself because a person is either married wherever they are and whatever they are doing or they are not. I told him that every single thing he had done from the time we said I do has been done "inside" our marriage.

He's been writing most of the stuff down, but he told me that it might take him a while to remember everything since it happened over a 7 year period. WH wants to go to church today, but I don't think I have the strength to do that right now. I know that sounds really bad, but I simply don't think I can. GMIL called me yesterday evening to see if I was okay. I told her that I wasn't sure yet if I was okay or not, but that I was making it. She told me to hang in there and ended the call so that WH and I could get back to talking.

My head is just spinning with all of this stuff. I couldn't sleep. I would just toss and turn so I finally decided to get up and get it all off of my chest. Thank you for listening to my early morning ramble.

Lorac --

Thank you for the very encouraging and postive update. Of course you're "overloaded" with honesty from WH and can't absorb it all at one time, but...rather this way than the other. This new H situation is a very, very good thing.

Re his views on "inside" and "outside" of your marriage--you told him a wonderfully telling statement of immense significance and insight: "every single thing he had done from the time we said I do has been done "inside" our marriage." Right on! He needs to go back to school on this one. There's no such thing as "outside" a marriage once people are married.

It already sounds as if he already is there, but I would encourage you, gently, to state that complete disclosure and candor and "radical honesty" need to be the guiding operatives. He needs to answer all of your questions, concerns, fears, speculations, and curiosities, no matter how seemingly trivial. On the other hand, I recommend that some details be left buried in the muck, for both of you. Somethings you really don't want to know.

But wherever you are, he needs to be there with you. Twice. Thrice. As many times through as you need to have it repeated, as many times as you need to help you heal.

I'm glad that GMIL is still in the picture; she sounds like she will be a sensitive and wise ally, and you will need some family and friend support now. Rebuilding is a slow, long, and difficult process but so very worthwhile. I envy what is happening for you with your relationship. My W continues on her merry way with OM and remains as far from your stage as ever. I look forward to a bleak and sad holiday season while you, so beautifully, are working actively on the restoration of the most important relationship in your life. Go Lorac! I wish you peace and happiness and complete and total success...

Ammon

Thank you Ammon. It's been a very different weekend to say the least. I'm not sure whether to be happy or run to the hills. Just when I think I can't take it anymore, I stop and think about what is the absolute worst thing that could happen. WH could cheat on me? He could leave me for another woman?

Those are risks that I would face with anyone I was in a relationship with. At least with him, my eyes are wide open and I now know his tendencies. I also think 'so what if he does get together with another woman.' He will have gotten his chance to make things work in our marriage and he will do so knowing full well that his actions will end this marriage. I don't see what one more affair is going to make or break me as a person. If that does wind up being the lifestyle that he wants, he is more than welcome to it, but he will be doing it without me because I want no part of it.

As he said when I told him that I wanted a divorce, he finally took a good look at what it was he was throwing away and realized that it was every man's dream come true. It really hurt to hear him say that he didn't love me and that he could have cared less whether or not I divorced him. It hurt to hear him say that his first reaction to me telling him that I wanted a divorce was celebration that he was finally going to be free to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted with no one that he had to lie to so that he could get away with it. It hurt to hear him tell me that when he was packing his bags to leave that he stopped and realized that he would have no one to clean and press his clothes for him, to clean up after him, to cook for him and that he would be walking away from a home that was fully paid for (with my money that I had prior to our marriage) and a child who didn't even recognize him as daddy because he never bonded with her or spent any time with her. He said he didn't want to leave knowing that he would be made to look like a deadbeat who took all of our money and his paychecks and spent it on OW while I struggled to make ends meet. He said that he knew he would have to pay me alimony and child support in addition to rent, utilities, and groceries leaving him nothing to entertain his OW with.

Concerns for himself, his finances, his reputation, and his lifestyle were the reasons he wanted to stay. After getting on medications and starting counseling, WH told his counselor all of those things and basically was asking the counselor to help him find a way to have his cake and eat it too. It was his counselor who told him that it was fine for him to want these things, but that it was unfair to me because I was the one who was paying the price for him to have them. The counselor encouraged WH to make a decision one way or another. He told him that he either wanted to be a good husband more or he wanted an independent life more, but that he couldn't have both. WH tried to stall him, but that is when the counselor contacted me and asked me to come in with WH. Come to find out, the counselor was going to force the issue with WH by telling me everything and letting me make the decision with full knowledge.

When I did go in, the counselor started off by telling me that WH admitted full responsibility for the problems we were facing, but that he was not able to help him any further without my assistance because he felt that WH was holding out on him and not telling him the full extent of our problems. I told the counselor everything that I knew and suspected, but that I didn't even know the full extent of the problems. I informed the counselor that I was only there to help WH get his head on straight so that he could be a better father for our daughter because I had no interest in "saving" our marriage anymore.

WH told me that when he heard me telling the counselor some of the things he had done that he had no idea I knew about, he was really ashamed. It was only when the counselor asked after each thing how it made me feel that it dawned on WH that I had feelings. For the first time ever, WH was able to absorb my POV. That was when WH decided he really did love me and wanted to be married to me (or so he says).

The problem with the counseling was that he did not want us to dig up the past. He wanted us to let it go since I already knew that WH had been unfaithful to me and "start over" as though nothing had ever happened. I couldn't do that regardless of how much I tried. Not knowing what all actually went on left my imagination to fill in the blanks. My insecurities were eating me from the inside out.

Right now, I don't even know if I can tell you which way is up. When I'm stressed, I have a lot of nervous energy so I wound up repainting my entire living room last night. Over the years when we were in our emtional divorce, I built an add-on to our home from the foundation to the roof. I know that this is my way of withdrawing and shutting down for a while, but I really shouldn't do that. I'm taking things second by second, heartbeat by heartbeat. WH and I have never separated because part of me knows that if we do, I will never take him back.

It's amazing all the things we can afford now that WH is not blowing it all on OW. We were able to get caught up on our utility bills (no more shut off notices), our pantry and freezer are full of food, I was able to buy winter clothes for the kids from a store instead of from garage sales, I could afford to take them for real haircuts instead of trimming them up at home, I was able to buy them a few Christmas presents, we were able to pay off my mini-van, and I was even able to afford a boob job all within the last 5 months. That's not even including our additional expense with his doctors and counseling. It's the little things like that that really make me sad. Knowing that I was driving around on 4 bald tires with the wires showing just to bring our daughter to her doctor's appointments and therapy sessions while he blew enough money in a week's time that I could have gone out and bought 4 new tires and not worry about having an accident or being broken down on the side of the road. Thinking of all of the times I had to beg the electric company not to shut off the power because our daughter's medical equipment had to have power to keep her alive. Having to make go to the doctor who I couldn't pay to get a letter from him certifying that our daughter's equipment required electricity and running the letter to the electric company on fumes and 4 bald tires. Having to beg the credit company not to repossess my van because it was the only way I could transport my daughter. It's enough to make me want to puke.

I feel like I am dying inside. I am just sick from all of this. After several attempts at coming clean, WH finally admits that the A's started in '96 before we have even been married a year. I am so sick of thinking that he is telling me the whole truth only to discover more "truth" as time goes by. It is like D-day hell over and over and over again.

Why can't he just tell me all at once and get it over with. Why drag it out while promising me that there is nothing more only to come back the next day or the next week to tell me more because he can't keep his stories straight. Last night, he told me the most honest thing he has ever told me. That he didn't understand how telling me all of this painful stuff is save our marriage because he has already "learned his lesson" without telling me everything.

I don't feel as though I will ever get to the bottom of everything that went on. The one I am most interested in knowing about was his first A and he continues to lie to downplay it or cover-up certain aspects of it.

I'm the one putting my neck on the line and risking getting hurt again by even giving him a chance. To me, if he can't be open and honest with me about things that are over and done with, I hold little (read no) hope that he will be able to be open and honest with me in the present or the future.

I'm not sure how much longer I can hold up. I am preparing myself for divorce. I realize that he is making an attempt to come clean, but I question whether or not it is a real attempt or he is doing just enough to get this marriage situation settled so that he can go back to his old ways.

I want to ask him to move out. I think if I was angry about it, it wouldn't be so hard. More than anything, I am disappointed and heartbroken. I just don't think that I can keep going on like this. Any help or advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. My love for him is beginning to turn to hate. I am so confused and upset. I don't understand why he keeps holding back on me. I think I'm ready to get off of this roller coaster ride.