I have been married 2 years now and last month my husband told me he isn't happy and that he doesn't love me. I asked him if there is someone else and he says no. For the past 4months weve had a long distance relationship because i am pursueing my career and we agreed that it would be better if I stayed at my moms while I go to school because I can get help watching my son while I study. Is it possible to stop loving someone completely that has never done anything wrong. I've been crying my eyes out and begging for him to give our marriage a chance but he says no because he just doesn't love me anymore. Should I believe that and let him go just like the saying If you love someone let them go. I am having a hard time dealing with this especially when I think about my son growing up with no father. My H is in the military so he would just be a telephone dad. My son is only 20months old and will grow up not really knowing his dad except for telephone calls. Is it fair for me to keep throwing that issue in my H face to try to convince him to stay?

Hi depressed,

I'm sorry you are so sad. I will not be of much help, except to say welcome to MB. There are some very wise folks here who will come to your aid. Hang in there

Thanks

Hello depressed -- Hearing I'm no longer in love with you from your spouse really is one of the most devastating experiences. I think all of us on MB have heard something along those lines. I am so sorry you had to hear them.

My best advice at this stage is to breathe and read. It can be very disorienting to hear what you've heard and it is also scary. The more you know, you the better you will have a handle on what to do next and how to recover your M.

Do you know whether your H is involved in an extramarital affair? Do you suspect it? If you do, then you will want to read as much on this site as you can and get the Surviving an Affair book by the Harleys. If it is not an affair (and even if it is, this book is helpful) I would get Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis. It will give you some insight and help you feel less alone.

My thoughts are with you and and your little son.

unsureheart

My H says no he is not having an A but he did say that he wants to meet new people because he wants to search for the one that will make him happy. Thanks for writing today it meant alot to me. I felt like I'm about to break down.

Hi,

I know this is hard. I have not heard those devestating words. I get the "sometimes I love you" Golly gee, thanks alot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Anyway, reading the links on this website was helpful for me, along with the replies I received on my thread. It helped to calm me down. Knowing that there are those who care. And we do care.

depressed -- I know how you feel and it is scary to feel that way. It's ok to break down. After your kids go to bed, it's ok to cry. Have you ever written in a journal? I found that to be helpful to me in addition to the reading.

The wanting to date thing may be a cover. It doesn't really matter though. My WH said the same baloney to me before I knew about the affair. It may not be an affair in your H's case. It still hurts to hear these words. The Divorce Remedy book is helpful in either case and describes these exact circumstances.

It does get better and you do get stronger. Hard to imagine when you are where you're at right now, but this place/this web site really helped me keep it together enough to function at first.

How do you feel right now?

I am trying to hold it together. Its just hard because right now I'm back in school persueing my career and its finals week. If I mess up I'll have nothing to offer my son. I'm glad you told me its ok to cry when the kids go to sleep because I realized I have to keep it together for my son so he doesn't feel like he has a depressed mother. How about you. How are you feeling?

depressed -- I really admire your being back in school and your desire to make a good life for your son. You can make it through finals week. The way to get through any of this is to set short term goals for a day or a week.

I am doing remarkably well considering all I have been through this past year. My WH decided to do all of this/have an A at a time when my father's health is failing and I've been in and out of the hospital this past year thinking my father might die (thankfully he did not and is doing better). However, what I have really realized in all of this is that I truly appreciate my family (sisters, neices, nephews, and my parents). My WH was a good man and maybe somewhere deep in his soul his is still a good man, but he got off track.

I joke that the good things that have come from my trials over the past year are a) I've lost some weight/am in pretty good shape, b) I've reconnected with one of my sisters that previously was a very trying relationship, c) I've reconnected/improved some relationships with my girlfriends and d) I have a much better appreciation for my parents' long standing marriage in the face of some pretty difficult times.

You need to focus on you and your son. Children are truly a gift. I have not been blessed with my own children, but have a deep love and bond with my nieces and nephews that I have helped to raise.

Focus on you and school for the immediate future. As hard as it's going to seem, if you can refrain from trying to push anything with your H in terms of talks, calling, anything that he might perceive as tying him down you need to do refrain from it. It's counter-intuitive I know, but learn from my own mistakes. When I backed off WH reached out to me.

From reading on this board and the two books I mentioned, you will see that your best course of action might be inaction right now. In time, you will need to look at yourself and what could do better in a relationship, but for right now, back off from conversations with H and focus entirely on getting through your finals and your little one.

unsureheart

I really appreciate you responding. Your advice through out the day is helping me alot. I've been on this forum thing practically all day reading about all sorts of situations and I was wondering if you could tell me what yours is. This forum thing is so large it'll take me forever to research what happened to you. I'm still trying to figure this forum thing out . I hope you don't mind and, if I'm stepping on some kind of boundary I apologize. I still don't know all the rules. Today I did talk to my mother because she's worried about me. She heard me crying all night and she gave me the same advice as you. I should stop calling him. I think that the no contact thing will be good for me. I find it difficult to do because I've told myself that so many times.

This time though I really want to try. I need to move forward I think. I really love my H but he has expressed to me so many times He doesn't love me. How do you keep from not moving to Plan B? I can't stay on the forum much longer today because I've neglected my studies but I will be back on tomorrow. I hope to hear from you again.

Hi depressed,

I know it is hard to stay focused on school when you are going through this. I am in school also. One thing I found that helped me, is I kepted telling my self to stay focused on what is important. School and the kids.

When my mind would start to wonder, I remind myself again. Remember the long term goal. If you get an education, you can get a good job to support you and your child with. It helps me alot. Good luck on finals. And cry when you need to, that helps too, so does coming here

depressed -- I will be back later today. I have to go to a meeting and make a presentation and won't be back until the afternoon. My story is a long one, but I'll be glad to give you a summary.

Study. Kiss your son.

Be back soon. -- unsure

Hi unsureheart

I just got back from a big test. I bombed it. I could not concentrate last night. I'll still pass though I have real high grades from previous exams. Anyway I read about your situation and about how you did the no contact thing. I admire that you stuck with. I will try my hardest as well and if he calls I'll try not to get sucked into to that triangle you guys were talking about. I've been reading so many situations that I hope that my husband realizes that he did love him. I am somewhat discouraged that instead of him thinking about me with the no contact thing that he'll love it instead. It will only reinforce what he told me. That he doesn't love me. I know no one can tell me what is gonna happen next and it kills me thinking about it because I always plan ahead. Right now I don't even know where I'm gonna go when I graduate in August. My plans before he brought up D was to move back to our House in AZ now I get depressed thinking that It will take me atleast at a year and a half to get on my feet and save enough to get a place of my own. I can't live at my mothers forever. Sorry for rambling there I'm just so stressed out.

depressed -- Sorry about the test. I know right after I started hearing the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore" thing I was disoriented and barely functional at work. It helped when I started thinking about two things. First, that I could make it through any given day one day at a time. Second, that I would succeed even if it was to spite my H (not a great loving reason, but at that point anything I could do to function).

I'm at work and need to finish something up, but promise I'll get back to you this evening. I am thinking that maybe a plan A letter in your case might be appropriate. I'll try and think about who's done one and try to find the link to my earlier letters. I think A Lost Soul over on the General Questions II forum has one posted that he's getting comments on that might be helpful to you. He also posts on the Emotional Needs forum.

Enjoy the rest of your day. Eat some chocolate and make your son laugh hard (children's laughter really is the best medicine for what ails you).

-- unsure

depressed -- I looked in the archived posts and am going to put in the link for NSR's PlanA 101 as that might help you think about what you should do next. planA101

I hope this helps you a bit. My story is in such bits and pieces in several forums, but I can tell you some things from the mistakes I made.

I suspected something was horribly wrong as far back as May 2001 when my WH and I went on vacation to an exotic and what should have been romantic vacation and he worked every day on his computer, phone calls, etc. I asked that we go to marriage counseling upon our return. The marriage counseling was not particularly helpful. I now know that WH was in some state of denial and just refused to talk about anything important.

I grew increasingly concerned over the summer of 2001 because WH was working all the time (I mean every night late and every weekend). At the same time, I had switched jobs (just leaving a very stressful high stakes politically charged position that drained my very being), my father's health was declining, and I was struggling and lovebusting all over the place. WH was just absent.

The fall of 2001 he just became an increasing jerk telling me things like "I'm not attracted to you anymore, although you are an incredibly attractive woman". I would ask him to please not be at work so much and would get accused of being controlling. I did not know about marriage builders and probably did everything wrong that fall. It was horrible and my WH was cold and distant. My father's health became serious. I came back from a trip to the hospital and thought life is too short to put up with meanness. In November 2001 I asked him to consider moving out/thought that might jolt him into reality. Then, my WH would intermittently be nicer and I couldn't decide if I really wanted him to leave.

In December 2001 he was the worst. He would call and say he was coming home and then not show up for four or five hours. I thought he was dead on the highway, then I assumed he was depressed and had a drinking problem. The depression has always been there in a mild form but nothting serious. I told him in December that I thought his depression might be getting worse to which he exploded that I'm the one that's crazy.

New Year's Eve 2001 he tells me after a nice party that he loves me but is no longer in love with me. I lie on the floor of our hotel crying and he does absolutely nothing to comfort me. I think to myself that my husband is in such as deep depression that he has lost all compassion for human beings.

January 2,2001 he doesn't show up for work and his office calls me asking where he is. I am frantic and think he's been in a car wreck. He calls toward the end of the day telling me he's been out wandering around thinking. I am completely distraught and think my H is totally losing touch with reality.

January 3, 2001 he tells me he is at the grocery store after several hours after calling for work saying he'll be home for dinner. By this point, this is pretty common and I think nothing of it. That night after he goes to bed and I'm cleaning up his clothes from where he left them draped in the bathroom, his wallet falls to the floor and everything spills out. The first thing I pick up is a receipt for a bar for the time when he's supposedly at the grocery store. I wake him up and tell him that I know he wasn't at the grocery store. He gets pissed and says yes he was. I tried to give him the opportunity to tell me where he was. Finally I tell him that I saw the receipt. Suddenly I am a spying witch and have violated his privacy. He says he met a distraught employee at the bar.

I know at that instant he is having an A with this employee. I ask him point blank, are you having an A with this employee and he denies it.

WH moves out at the end of January. I am still thinking he's depressed and needs to sort out his life. I find ALL the disgusting love letters this day. He denies everything until I tell him what evidence I have.

I don't find marriage builders for several weeks and am not doing anything but lovebusting inter-mixed with some rational moments. I beg him to move home and work on things (big mistake). I continue to reveal to him I know about continued contact (big mistake).

I find MB in late February and start Plan A. Didn't do it very well first month. By April I am doing a really good plan A.

Life is up and down April - August and things seem to be improving. WH notices my changes and wants to spend more time with me. By September we are much closer and I think there is hope. OW ends their relationship some time in May.

WH turns 40 and reverts back to lying, contact with OW. I know I can't do this anymore and go to plan B.

I still have some hope for my marriage, but I may be one of the small statistics where the H leaves permanently for the OW. I am doing better. Plan A and plan B have been good for me. My WH was diagnosed as clinically depressed this spring and he never went back to therapy. There is little I can do for him until he sees that he needs help. His therapist believes that the affair is his trying to escape from reality and avoid the depression that is engulfing him.

I know that I have done everything possible to try and recover my M and help my H. The rest is up to him. I needed to know that I tried and I needed to change my behavior. I've done both. I'm not perfect, but I've tried.

Don't push. Don't beg. Give him all the space he needs. Think about giving him a letter that tells him you acknowledge how he's feeling and that you love him, but understand his need for space. Look for a good plan A letter -- I'm still trying to find one for you. And then back off completely. Do what you need to do for you.

Believe me, when they get to the "Not in love with you" junk, you need to think about you and your little boy. I strongly suspect your H is involved in an emotional or physical affair. Men don't just wake up one day and decide they are no longer in love with their wives/the mother of their children.

Can you tell me more about your situation.

I echo this
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Believe me, when they get to the "Not in love with you" junk, you need to think about you and your little boy. I strongly suspect your H is involved in an emotional or physical affair. Men don't just wake up one day and decide they are no longer in love with their wives/the mother of their children.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Unsureheart

I think I've just made a big mistake but let me tell you my story first then tell you what mistake I just made. I met my husband in Dec of 99 when we were assigned to work in this Air Force Honor Guard program. This program required us to work many hours together every quarter for a month at a time. We were with each other almost everyday working countless hours. At the time he had a girlfriend but the next thing I knew he wasn't with her anymore and I had a crush on him already because I thought he was so cute and nice. Well we started hanging out together after work and we hooked up in April 00. I got pregnant in Aug'oo. We didn't plan it but we both knew what had happened was a result of us not using protection so as responsible adult we must take responsibilities for our actions.
I had told my mom that I had thought of getting an abortion but her knowing me she said that she thinks I would regret it and she was right. Growing up many of my friends had abortions like it was no big deal but as for myself I knew that I would never want to go through that, so at 22 years old almost 23 i was pregnant. I thought to myself I don't want an abortion, this man is decent, and if he turns his back on me I will raise this child on my own. He never really said anything about me keeping the baby but I knew deep down inside he was scared and not ready. He never said it but I knew.
I told my mother that I was not going to get an abortion then she brought up marriage. She almost forced it on us because in my culture it is a disgrace to have a baby out of wedlock, so me trying to do the right thing brought up marriage to my H. He agreed but again I knew he was scared because things were happening so fast for us. I was scared too but when I analyzed everything I felt that I could live the rest of my life with this man because he is decent unlike the thugs I dated before. We got married in Oct of 2000 and things were ok.
While I was pregnant he had to go overseas for 3 months and returned just as I was ready for delivery, so we never really had much time to really get to know each other and time for just us. We had our son in Mar'01 born with Colic so we didn't get much sleep. We never really got to go out and have fun after that. He had to leave again for 4 months and I was all by myself. No family or real friends around to give me a break. When he returned I was pretty much burned out. My H doesn't have much patience with our son so I took care of him, mostly.
I was due to seperate from the military in Mar of '02 but was delayed due to 9/11. I had plans to go back to school and pursue a nursing career but as I was taking the prerequisite courses on the weekend while I was still in the military I seen my husband getting more and more frustrated with my son so It made it difficult for me to study. I found it challenging trying to find time to study and I knew the nursing program would be a lot harder so we both decided that I should go back to my Moms which lives in a different state to continue my education. I think this is where i messed up. I should of never left my husband. During this time while I'm pursueing my career I am unemployed. We figured we should let one of his friends rent a room in our house so we wouldn't struggle too much financially. His single 23yr old male friend moved in and a couple weeks later my H called me and told me he wasn't happy. I asked what are you trying to say. He said he wanted a D. I asked why?, and he said that he didn't love me like a man should love a wife. I found it hard to believe and asked if there was someone else. He said no and i almost believe him because he's home all the time. I asked him if anyone told him something for him to think that way. He said no but his roommate asked him to go on a double date. He said no to his roommate because he knew it was wrong but he really wanted to. This is when he started telling me he didn't love me. He said he wants to start dating. I cried and begged him to give our marriage a chance and he did but his desire to see other women meant more to him then saving our marriage.
I've got him to change his mind since three times since Nov 13. The third time I was so desperate that I told him to go ahead and check out why he thinks the grass is greener on the other side as long as he gives our M a fair chance when I graduate. Well on Monday night I told him I think I was just in desperation when I offered that option to him and that I disgusted myself in even offering such a thing but he said this was it then. Its only been 1 month and he said he can't stay in this marriage. He feels like he's being held in this marriage against his will. After crying all monday night I decided to seek out information on how to save a M and thats how I found this site. So there this is my story. Sorry for making it so long.
As far as my mistake he called today before I got on the internet. I seen that he called my cell phone a couple hours earlier but I did not answer it. I figured if it was important he would leave a message but he didn't. He never calls my moms house cuzz he prefers to call my cell but as I was about to log on the phone rang and I picked up. It was him and I told him that I think I've been going about the situation all wrong since reading so many situations on this forum. Now I am so confused. I went back to telling him that since I want to try everything I will allow him to date other people and check out what its all about as long as he doesn't file for a D. I think I'm back in desperation. I really was gonna try the no contact thing but he caught me off guard since he never calls my moms house. Now I really don't know what to do. Did I mess up completely. I told him that i would give him space and to think about it. He replied that he would and call me tomorrow. What have I done? What should I do next?

Unsureheart

I didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to last night because my son was acting up. He was tired and wanted me to put him in bed. Anyway I wanted to tell you that I'm glad to hear that you did not lose your father and that you've reconnected with your sister. I grew up with my mom inforcing that our family must stay close no matter what. Sometimes I use to rebell and keep my distance when I could no longer stand my brother but no matter what I do they are always there for me. Also I'm glad that you also reconnected with your friends. A good support system is essential. I on the other hand have tried to stay away from my friends. Jealousy consumes me when I see them. I have only 4 girlfriends and all of them are married except one that has the most amazing boyfriend. I get jealous and want to cry so for now I stay away from them, plus I have been gone almost five years so staying away isn't so hard.
When I read your story I cried. I remember when my H called me Nov 13 at night to tell me he wanted a D and I cried and cried and he just stayed quiet. Then when I drove out there the very next morning and cried he did not even try to hug or comfort me.
So you tried counseling. Why didn't it help? I asked my H if we could go and he said no. He said he didn't need two people trying to change his mind.
Is your H back home with you? What makes him so depressed? Is depression hereditary. Through out this crisis did you ever try anti depressents for your self? I was considering them but since I'm in the nursing program and learning about medications I got scared to try it because of side effects. Theres times through out the day when I feel I need something. I know a comforting embrace would help and all I can think is that I wish my H was there to just hold me, then all the mean things he tells me pops into my head and I get these anxiety attacks. Theres many times that I've said I just want to sleep and not wake up for a while, not kill myself or anything although it has been a thought that's come up more than once, but I would never because of my son. I figured maybe just go drink and lose those feeling for a couple of hours but then i'll wake up with a hangover and lose studying time, so for now the way I'm coping is I started smoking again. I don't like the smell but it relaxes me just a little though.
How much weight have you lost since all of this has been going on. Did you just excercise or was it that "just don't feel like eating" thing? I don't know how much weight I've lost but I have also. I just don't feel hungry and when I do I end up having other problems if u know what I mean. Well I better go and study I have 3 finals to prepare for. Hope you have a good day.

depressed -- So sorry I didn't get back to you right away this morning. Things were crazy at work with deadlines.

Okay, so you're situation. First off, don't kick yourself so hard for mistakes you think you've made. To err is human and believe me we all make mistakes. The bottom line here is that you married your H and had a child with him. You are in love with him and he once was with you/probably still is, but is feeling an overwhelming need to be "free".

Now even if you made mistakes (which I'm not saying you did, but even if you did), you got married and you have a child. It is not acceptable to just walk out of a marriage without trying to salvage it through counseling and open communication. When they try to just quickie end it, that means they are trying to run away from responsibility. Well, life is a responsibility. You can't run around doing whatever pleases you whenever you feel like it without consideration for others. It's selfish and it's unkind and it violates all human decency (can you tell I feel strongly about this). I am not saying that someone should stay in a loveless marriage or be miserable. What I am saying is that love and marriage need care and feeding or they die. Running away is simply running to another problem.

You mention in your post that you've talked him out of ending your M three times since November 13. Stop trying to talk him out of anything. As counter-intuitive as it seems, the more you try and pull, the further he'll try and push away. Don't ask me why this is so, but it is the topic of my psychoanalysis books and the experience of many here on this website.

Please please go get a copy of Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner Davis. I think it will really help you. I know reading a book while taking care of an active toddler and going to school/taking finals is probably not high on your list, BUT if you want to save your marriage you need to get a plan together for yourself.

I think you need to at least think about the possibility that your H is having an emotional or physical affair with someone. At a minimum he is going through some kind of crisis where he "needs to be free" and wants his "independence". They all say these things. I hate to sound so trite about it, but the things that come out of these people's mouths is scarily all very similar.

Good for you going to nursing school. My sister is a nurse and just loves it (well not every day). She also has a two year old at home.

Can you do this? Can you tell your H when he calls that you love him and don't want to keep him in a marriage against his will and that's he's free to make his own choices. But, that you do love him and want what is best for him, you and your child. Then ask if you can talk about this when your finals are over, but that you're not going to do anything to try and force him to stay.

You want to not make a major life decision right now while you feel this way AND you don't want to do anything/say anything that's going to make him feel trapped. You can't make somebody want to be married. You want somebody to be with you because they want to be there. Right now you need to send the message to him that he's free to make choices (even if it kills you to say it and you want to scream "hey jerk, what the heck do you think you're doing abandonging me and little junior here. Have you lost your mind?")

Try not to say much and tell him that he's free to make choices and you need some time to think about your future. Don't beg. Don't even ask at this point -- he's not receptive and all he's hearing is blah, blah, blah, my wife's trying to keep me trapped (which is complete bull-hockey, but that's what he's thinking)

Then, this weekend you need to read two books. Divorce Remedy and Surviving an Affair. Both are available at Barnes and Noble or off of Amazon.com. SAA is also available for purchase off of this website.

I'll try and check in again later tonight.

To answer some of your other questions.

I've lost about 15 pounds and am better shape from running and lifting weights. At first I just couldn't eat and then I took walks and eventually started running again. It makes me feel better physically and mentally. I feel empowered.

No, my husband is not at home. I am in plan B no contact right now. You don't need to worry about that -- not everybody gets to that stage in this.

Good luck on your finals.

unsure

Thanks for the advice. I actually did what you said. I wrote him an e-mail and told him that I love him and want the best for him,me, and son and that the choice was up to him. He didn't call me today like he said he was going to. I kind of expected that. He's probably relieved and thinks that I finally came to my senses. I'm glad I did it because I was telling my H that he could see other women but I know if he did I would love bust like crazy. I'm still pretty sad and I know that its natural. I also feel mad because I don't think it's fair that I'm going through this....but who does right. I'll get over it. I'm glad that you responded to me when I needed someone to listen or in this case read. You saved me from loosing my self respect. My son and I are suppose to go spend Christmas break with him but now I'm not so sure. When I asked him if he wanted us to still come out he reversed the question and asked do I still want to. Of course I want to because I want to be with him but right now I'm not so sure if I should. The question was just left unanswered. What do you think?