I am annoyed by W's tendency to only give out more info a little at a time and not come clean once and for all. Is it normal for the WS to do this? Any advice on how to get her to totally come clean once and for all? I was recently stunned by W's revelation she had "crossed over the line" from normal Internet gaming into sex chat rooms/phone sex with a couple other guys other than main OM with whom she had told me about (the one she was talking to on phone when I walked in on her 2 months ago. She had told me the rest were "just friends"). Since D-Day there has been NC with any of her former online contacts but it still troubles me that she says she's told me everything only to find out she hasn't. It's making my ability to regain any level of trust nearly impossible. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi everyone. I am new to this forum. Don't really know the acronyms, but will try. My WH was having an online A for almost 4 years. Started with some kind of role playing game and ended up she called him at work, sent him gifts to work, and he sent her things too. Really bad chat rooms, porn, etc. So unlike who I thought he was. I found out innocently and confronted him. He only admitted to what I found out. (porn), but later I found her name in his address book. This was 2 years (D-day) The triggers are the worst. Her name was a common flower, she lives in the only other state I ever lived, and same town. Far from here. He never met her. He did write her beautiful poems, etc. which I found in some web pages. He has truly repented and is being a better husband, but I still get a pit in my stomach thinking of it. I just can't believe he did this. I have no trust at all. I never used to ask if he worked with females, now I question all. I don't like who I am becoming. How do I let go and get on with my life. Idon't want to torture him with !??? The more info I got the worse I felt. Help.
Linda

lions as hard as it is to accept, this is pretty normal behavior in the pattern of the WS. Few ever come clean immediately. They are ashamed, they are scared, they are misguided in their attempt to "protect" the spouse from more pain of their wrong doing, they are trying to protect themselves from your added anger, pain, and sorrow.

Usually there are always going to be "more facts" revealed several months after d-day. What I find very promising is that she came clean about these other internet wrongdoings as soon as she did. Also, the fact that in all likelyhood she could have kept that information from you...even if you continued to be suspicious. She didn't have to tell you!

It sounds as if you've done a wonderful job of creating a safe environment in which she felt she could talk to you about some really difficult and shameful things she had done. GOOD FOR YOU! GOOD FOR HER!

I find this step to be VERY productive! Yes, it hurt to know what she did. It hurt to know that she didn't tell you sooner! BUT...SHE DID TELL YOU! You didn't back her into a corner with proof about these internet OM, she confessed without you having to shove non-deniable proof in her face. Believe me...this is rare!

You are both still very new in dealing with this. It really does sound as if you're making great strides forward.

The best advice I ever can give a WS is to get all the secrets out as soon as possible so that hidden landmines don't blow up in everyone faces...but few are truly capable of doing this. There is so much fear involved...and fear keeps us from making the best choices.

We as BS can deal with the truth...and we deserve the truth. It's the only way to make real progress in rebuilding....I think you two are doing good in creating safe places where the truth can come out of hidding.

Keep your focus on the positive side of what has happened...the truth...not the negative side ...the past.

Good Luck!

Thanks, Wifey. You mentioned me creating a safe environment in which my W feels safe to share additonal details. That got me to thinking ... The safe environment probably comes from her sensing that I truly love her and and that I am committed to our M in spite of everything. Her mother passed away recently from a long illness, and it felt good to overhear her say to one of her girlfriends that she couldn't have gotten through it without me. In light of her mother, I have backed off from my questions for now (in another life I could have been a newspaper reporter... LOL) until a more appropriate time because I am still battling issues of trust and am trying to find ways to Affair-proof my marriage in the future. This whole thing is a rollercoaster ride but I still have my seatbelt securely fastened. I am benefiting from reading other posts, especially those from fellow committed Christians and others who hold to the sanctity of marriage), and realize there are people who are recovering from even more traumatic stuff than I went through, and if they can do it so can I. ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"). Thank you for the support (Wifey and others). You have truly been a blessing....