anyone ever experience this?? both were drinking that night,I walk into kitchen at 3 am catching them kissing . not a little one either.. looked pretty passionate to me.. Totally heartbroken here.. any advise?

Hi,

Welcome and I sorry you saw that. I have not experienced the pain of double betrayal such as this. There is a thread
web page

She has been off for a while. I think the holidays. Now, in her situation, her H is remoreful. I don't know about with your sister and your H.

Read all the links on this website, they are very helpful

Take care

both are remorseful but I do not know how or even if I am capable of moving forward.. I feel so betrayed by two of the closest people in my life.. It was the most horrible sight to see your husband in the arms of another woman. your own sister.. I feel like I hate them both.. I need too make a decision about my future. How dooo I know which is the right one.. Our lives will be changed forever.. please point me in the right direction//

REad the links. Dr. Harley has also written some very good books. Surviving an Affair helps to deal with the feeling, pain associated with this encounter.

I do suggest right now that you dont' make any decisions while your emotions are in such a turmoil. Dr. Harley suggests approx 6 months.

You need time to process the emotions, you need time to know what is right for you. It is a very emotional experience with many ups and downs. No one can tell you what to do. The thing is, by waiting, and processing all that you are going through, you will be able to make the right decision with no regrets.

Both of them having remorse is a good thing. I know, right, not, that is hard to understand.

Please take care. I have to get ready for work. Others will also be along for you.

My wife kissed my brother at a party when they were both drinking as well. 2 years later she had an affair with a man she met over the internet and slept with him for 2 weeks. I would be extreemly worried, knowing your husband can cheat with family members means he can do anything.

OK, you're gonna have to give us some more info:

Family status of both your H and your sis, i.e., how long married, kids, their perceived status of their current relationships, etc.????

Your perception of your marriage before this incident?

What have your H and sis done to express their remorse?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by llhoo:
<strong>both are remorseful but I do not know how or even if I am capable of moving forward.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, I'm gonna say something you don't want to hear:

There are dozens of betrayed spouses currently posting on these forums who would LOVE to be able to say their spouses are remorseful - but they can't.

Yes, your confusion and anger and pain is justified. Now get busy and count your blessings. This incident may be the one that saves your marriage.

Keep reading on this forum and learn all you can about affairs and relationships.

My sis is married with 3 children 2, 4 and 11. She is or was my closest sibling. She has been married for almost 5 years. My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 yrs.. second marriages for both of us. My marriage was perfect as far as I knew in almost everyway. The only thing we really ever disagreed about were child related. We both have teens and have different ideas on how to raise them. What thye have done to express remorse is apologize to me several times and both have written me letters expressing this as well. Hubby is begging for forgiveness, I just dont know how.. This just happened Saturday night..SO fesh in my mind.. Just burns in my head.. I keep seeing them visually . It hurts.

More devastating than catching him with a stranger! I got caught on this before- was going with MY boyfriend for a long time-unattached sister moved into same city-started to include her into our activities-next thing out of the blue I'm told by her that I'm out, she's in- they are in love and going to get married. All without my suspecting. How did they get to that level without my knowing? Seeing them in bed together haunts me still. The relationship with either has never been the same and I am ever more cautious. You have reason to be suspicious. Be careful. If it is serious, they will slip again. If necessary, make it known to the rest of the family, on their admission. One thing to be apologetic to you but they have violated the entire family and sometimes that is a better deterrent to things going further.

They both said " it just happened" . No meaning no anything. How could that Just happen/?? How? I do not care how much you have to drink, when you love someone you are aware of how you feel about them, If a guy made a pass at me , driking or not my husband would be the first thing that would pop into my head.. They were sharing a very passionate kiss that i think would have gone farther had I not walked into that room.. I know it. And I cannot deal with this. to me he cheated on me, WITH MY SISTER. I cannot stop crying . I refuse to let him tear me down any more. How low can this be???

Your husband did cheat on you by kissing another woman, it being your sister makes it even worse. Of course hes sorry now, but that doesnt change the fact that he wants other women. Being drunk means nothing, only an excuse.

When trust is broken it is very hard to fix if not impossible. If i knew about my wife and brother had kissed he sexual affair would not have happend and saved so much anger. You have the chance to stop your cheating husband from going any further if he hasnt already. When a spouse can do what yours did they are capable of doing anything. They dont care about you or your feelings until after they get caught red handed (basicaly they are little children)

Find out what is missing in your marriage, its not easy when your spouse is a liar so get ready for many ups and downs.

This may all be good news if you still want to stay married to your husband, you have been givin the chance many here never had.

How do I go forward though>? I am afraid that if I give in and forgive him he will think that because I stayed with him that i will forgive him again , How do you go about regaining that trust?? what steps??This is something that is extremely hard to even think about doing. Do you think I should seek counseling>? How do I deal with my sister? Right now i could careless if I speak to either of them again. I know that will pass in time. What about her husband?? I do not want to hurt anyone else/ I do think that he wanted to what he did when he did it or he would have said no, he siad she rubbed her breasts up against him and he made an irrational decision and went with the moment . There must have been an attraction if even for just that moment, we have/had a wonderful marriage a great sex life but maybe you are right and somehting is missing.. I am just not sure what. I do not even know where to begin moving forward, i do not even want him touching me, it makes me sick right now cuz I see the two of them and wonder where that kiss was headed cuz it wasnt a little one.

This is WAY TOO FRESH! Don't make ANY decision right now. You're emotions are in turmoil and that is completely NORMAL!

Tell H that you are not going to be making any decisions right now. Tell sister the same thing. That you are waiting until you have a better grip on your emotions and where YOU want to go from here...this is on YOUR timetable...not theirs.

Both of them betrayed you! Both of them hopefully are willing to do whatever is necessary to give you the time and space you need to decide what YOU want. If not...tell them to BACK OFF!

I would inform BIL of what you saw. Not saying you need to spread it all over the family, but he has a right to know. This effects his life, his marriage and his children, also.

Of course you are crying. You're hurt. Sadly, I wouldn't take it as the complete truth that this is the first time anything like this has happened between the two of them. Sorry, I know this only adds to your pain and confusion...but really...what are the odds that you'd catch them in the one and only time they crossed a line? Too often affairs are happening within the family/friend network.

IF your H was being honest about her drunken come-on, then your sister has some serious issues she needs to discuss with her H. And your H needs to re-establish some marital guidelines. And BOTH need to stop drinking if they can't control their actions!

Please read what is offered here. It can be of great help in recovery. Take from it what best fits your situation and keep the rest on the backburner in case the situation changes.

Good Luck!

Well, i cant say i would tell her husband what happend. It's not fair to hide stuff like that from family members.

If this is your husband first venture into adultry, hes probably to scared to ever do it again. Doesnt change the fact that he does think of other woman though. That is were the problem is.

You may have thought your marriage was good and sex was good too, but its only in your mind. Things arent as good as you thought they were.

I dont believe drinking plays a part in these things, they must have had thoughts about eachother. Remember, thinking about somthing in rare circumstances is normal in my mind. Your husband took it to the next level, there are way more levels he could have took it and might have if he wasnt caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

You will need some serious talking to do with your cheating husband, things may seem bad now but if you dont get all the facts about everything he has been doing they can and will get way worse.

The "kiss" most likely would have led all the way to sex. This is reality not wishful thinking.

Try not to get to emotional, it will distract you from getting the information you need to make rational decisions.

I think you need to talk to him before making a divorce type of decision. Yes, what he did was bad. Yes, it should never have happend.

Hi IIHOO,

I agree with Justwifey, this is too fresh, you need time. Tell them you need time.

Yes, I know the pain you are feeling. MC went through the same thing. She was a wreck, and her sister and H had the full blown thing going on. Her H is remorseful, she was in the same turmoil you are in.

She has other issues going on right now, where, her sister, will not accept responsibilty and is trying to cause more trouble and destroy what her and her H are trying to rebuild. Her H is remorseful.

I will bump her thread up, so you can read about her. I will also suggest she find your thread, maybe she can offer you some insight, since she has experience this double betrayal that you are experiencing.

Besides the holidays, she is also moving into her new home, that her and her H bought.

Please read all you can, Surviving and Affair is good reading. I suggest you either go to your library and get acopy or buy at your bookstore or order it from the bookstore link.

This is one of the hardest times you will have to experience. I'm sorry about that. We all know it is not easy. For myself, I hit an all time low in the beginning where I begged god to take me and end my pain. Then common sense took over and I don't want to die, I want to live, I want the pain to go away. Besides, I have three children, I don't want her raising them.

You need to cry, you need to vent. I know this site was like my lifeline in the beginning. It is what I needed.

Have you thought about counseling for yourself? Does your H usually drink too much where he looses all common sense? If so, he needs to address that issue.

How about your sister, does she do the same?

Take care and as tempting as it is, don't make any rash decisions.

Take care this is the place to vent your feelings.

I appreciate all the responces and advice given here. Most times it is easier talking to those who have experienced the same types of painful situations. My husband does not usually drink in a way that would make him act like that. That is why this is so hard for me to accept. I do believe that he must have wanted to do this. She said that there is no way that she has ever thought of him in that way and that it totally makes her sick at the thought of what she did. He says the same thing. Ok sowhere does that leave me? Broken hearted and having to be the one that has to deal with all this emotional BS. All because of what? If I choose to stay, I have to learn to trust all over again. I am the type of person that has walls built when it comes to trust. Once I do trust , I trust fully until that trust is broken..I think most people are like that. How do I ever begin to trust again?? I will probably have to go to counseling, I have to forgive, I have to hurt, I have to carry a mojoruty of the emotional baggage, At what point do you decide whether it is all worth it? How long should I wait before making a rational decision? And BOG, I am a realist. I beleive with all of my heart that it would have led to sex. I saw how they were kissing.. He says no .. she says no. I know my husband well enough to know that when he kisses in that way, It means Sex. God , please give me the strength to get through this whether I choose too forgive is yet to be determined, I cant get past the shock and humiliation and feelings of such betrayal. I hate them . I hate them.I cannot even imagine ever kissing him or having sex with again without thinking of "them" in that kitchen scene. N

Just to let you know...what you can't imagine right now...can become as enjoyable as it was before and without any mental pictures. BUT...it doesn't happen quickly.

Feeling of overwhelming hate is perfectly normal. So, don't worry about it. Only worry about it if it doesn't lessen over time and you're still stuck in that emotion. Right now...it's understandable.

There is such a very thin line between love and hate...and the more we love someone the more we can hate their acts. You will discover as time goes by that it is the act that you hate, moreso then the person. You will discover that you can likely forgive the person without ever forgiving the action.

Give yourself a break. You're been betrayed by two people you love very much. You're hurt. Your in despair. You feel as if someone took your heart and stomped on it. You've lost the deep seated trust that you felt towards both of them. You're questioning your faith in others, your way of looking at life...and most of all...yourself. THIS IS NORMAL!

Give yourself some time to adjust to what has happened. TALK to them...when you are ready. Listen to them, see if their actions match their words. Listen to yourself. Look deep inside and decide (when you're ready to make a decision) what you want, what your goals are, and how best to go about reaching them.

Our healing path from betrayal is not an easy one. But, it's can be a time of renewal and growth and learning new lessons. It can bring you closer to your spouse, it can awaken the desire to move on in life without him/her.

Good Luck...you're just starting out on your healing path...remember...it's YOUR healing path and how you walk it is up to you.

llhoo --

Just checking-in with you to see how you're doing today. We're here for you so post again anytime you feel things are unbearable and overwhelming. Often just writing down your thoughts and feelings is a valuable catharsis. Write to us and vent or rage or cry whenever you're "there."

You've got some good people on board with you and are getting excellent thoughts and advice from "Sue with hope" and "Just a wifey" and "WAT" so I'll just underscore that all the feelings of betrayal and humiliation that you're feeling are expected and very normal. With a "double-whammy" like that, how could anyone be expected to act or feel any differently. Let yourself "go with" these feelings for awhile; you NEED to be there. Your injured system and emotions have got to have that release in your tears and bewilderment.

Even through your pain, you have made a very sound and lucid observation: "If I choose to stay, I have to learn to trust all over again" -- and not just trusting one but two: H and sister. But, you know, it can be done. You can rise above this mess and not only survive and trust but be all the better for it. Hard to accept and believe at the moment.

This recovery is very doable. You've got two people--both of whom belong in your life--who have done an incredibly reckless, stupid, selfish, and thoughtless act which you had the terrible misfortune to witness. You've also got these same two people who realize--REALIZE!--what they've done and the mistake they made and who sound like they would do anything to fix it. That's the stuff of which recoveries are made. Read WAT's post again.

I see at least a two-step process for you after the initial shock has worn off. First, you need to be patient with yourself and let this thing play itself out. By that I mean, the healing for you will take time and it needs to in order to be effective and long-lasting. You are exactly where you need to be right at the moment. Allow yourself to be human and don't try to rush this. Above all, don't be down on yourself for feeling the things you do.

Second, after the dust settles, both of you are going to want to dig into the possible causes for this brief misalliance. Counseling is an excellent way to do some digging, along with reading and analyzing, alone and together.

You asked us, "How do I ever begin to trust again??" -- then went on to answer your own question (the best learning and realization, IMHO!). You said, "I will probably have to go to counseling, I have to forgive, I have to hurt, I have to carry a mojoruty of the emotional baggage." -- all true, most of this weight is squarely on your shoulders. But you have help: 1) you've got the participants, both of whom care about you, who are SORRY for what they've done = major, major help. 2) Plus you've got us. 3) You're going to get counseling. 4) And you've got your own abilities and determination. So you'll have a whole Recovery Team in place -- not bad odds in my book.

"At what point do you decide whether it is all worth it?" -- you've already decided and you already know it's worth it. Won't be quick and it won't be easy but you are there...

Hang in there and post to us again soon--keep us in the loop. I wish you peace in this New Year.

Ammon

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

WOW, do I know your pain all too well!!! Sue With Hope asked me to drop by here, and after reading your thread, I felt I had to reply.

My H had an A with my sister that lasted SEVERAL MONTHS... luckily I never had to witness anything with my own eyes like you did.

Only in my situation my "sister" claims my H raped her (several times over several months <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) My entire family knows she is lying, but it has put a HUGE strain on my family!!!

There is no pain on earth like being betrayed by two people that you trust more than anything!!!

May I suggest that you and your H seek counseling. And maybe it would be a good idea to distance yourself (and your H) from your sister for a little while, untill you have a chance to sort things out. Maybe it did "just happen", but I find that hard to believe... I have had drinks around other men, and have not ended up kissing them... There seems to be something more to the situation. Do you think this could have happened before? Does your sister have a history of flirting with your H? (or him with her?)

My H and I are in recovery, and have never been happier...(as for my "sister" and I... we have not spoken in about 7 months!!!) Don't make any decisions untill you have had a chance to let this really sink in.

I know it seems that your world is crashing down around you (I remember it all to well), but from someone who has lived it, please believe me that things WILL get better!!! Be strong! I wish you all the luck in the world!

MC Needs Your Help

Thank you all so much YOU all are what is even getting me through day to day right now. I dont know why but it just feels like I am mourning the death of a loved one.It feels like it was a death. I guess in a way it kinda was. I cry at the drop of a pin , certain songs ,pictures, just anything I look at at times that remind me of good and bad times will make me cry. I do best when I am not in this house. Are you all you average everyday persons like me or are you all trained professionals because your thoughts and ideas seem so genuine and so heartfelt and you all just make sense to me . My mind has been so cluttered the last 3 days. I am trying to move forward and "repair" myself. I know it will take time. I do not know if I can do it with him right next to me though, I think he needs to move into the basement or something. I locked him out of our room last night and I actually got some sleep.. I made myself eat a little bit this morning as I lost about 4 lbs in the past few days. I weigh 103 lbs now and feel weak. I refuse to let this KILL me anymore than it has. I know its a slow process but its hard. I will definately stay tuned to you all. You are my saviors right now. I know that when his children return to thier moms house this week, they wont wait a minute before telling her all about it. you see his 13 yr old daughter was up and awake and heard the whole darn thing. She woke the other 2 ( 15 yr old boys) and told them. So I have an even more challenging road a ahead. She is a very vindictive person who will get great pleasure from this. It will get worse before it gets better but my strength must get me through this. If I can.

What ever you do, give it time. Do not make any hastey decision.

If you reconcile with your husband...make him pay the piper so to speak. Once you take him back to bed, it will be to late for the remorse to surface completely.
TAKE YOUR TIME!!!!