OK- H has not seen OW since 12/20 , she called him 12/24 gave him ultimatum come back to me and give me everything u promised or don't ever see me again .

N/C since then he was on VAC. from then till 1/3 took me every where never was with out me , by his request.

went back to work she called 1/12 19 days that is a record . ( if it is true ) needs a ride to court 1/17 H says yes .

I was upset by this and told him my feelings about her always being in picture if he don't tell her he is home . This is the first time he seemed different (even though he took her ) but he said, if this N/C continues after I take her then time will go by and then I will tell her we are back . But we are getting along good and I see no resaon to piss her off I don't want her to start up again .

Ok maybe load of $hit but I don't no anymore .
He said all along he wasn't leaving and when she stoped calling he would focuse on us .

And he has , home from work early or on time , he calls me several times a day (I DO NOT ANY MORE) to let me know where abouts , leaves cell phone at my dissposal all the time . more affectionate kissing hugging . Always saying I love U . Not over doing it but steps .

Ok she has not called since FRI.

Here is my problem is this some normal life ?(its been so long I don't know) Is this Fog lifting ? Or should I be worried that there keeping it qiut calls at work? Am I crazy? Do I not know how to be happy? He says things like I told u this will be in our past . We would make it through all this. could he have been telling me any true what so ever through all this?

I feel like I am going to get hit right between eyes again, I just keep feeling that if she don't know he is home then she will act up again.

I don't want to rock the baot and she is not calling to be asking why ? I mean I did ask why all of a sudden did she just go away ? H asked if I was crazy it didn't happen like that , this hole year has been about having her go away .

Any thoughts??????????????

Sex still slow I mean 2x's a week I want more he says tired is this ws behavior ( withdrawl type stuff)?

Hey 3--

How are things going?

I don't know how things are going . I still am so confused I feel like this is never ending . I mean I have been going through this $hit for almost 2 yrs in total and I don't even knoew if I know what normal is any more.

She called since last post (not suprised) Once was during week for a ride home from another court date and then this past Sunday to yell that someone saw his car ( it was not him) I was with him at the time . She thinks he is seeing someone and she said , he is dead if its true , cause he should be with her if anyone .

CAN U SAY SICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He brought this on himself . Anyway I am loosing fight not that I have to cause he is not really giving me any real reson .

He still is not caring if she calls once in awhile he don't see the big deal as long as its not all the time . I know I am rambleing .

I just won't be satisfied until she knows , but I am trying to keep busy , kids ok they are far removed from this since that last episode . I don't talk around them .

As for me SELF ESTEM SUCKS I started a gym 3 days a week and going kick boxing 2 days . I got a thing about being thinner then her ( I don't think it will happen) OW 100lbs tone , ME 125 lbs not tone anyway after loosing 47lbs I should feel good but can't get her out of my mind . I am so focused on her I even hate it .

I thought I was pasted some of these stages they get me every MONTH (PMS) now next move is some home decorating and possible job looking . something from home . I know I lve him and he does love me , just not sure how much inpacked she had on him and is it frog? withdrawal? or confused? or love for her ?
She is so needed I hate her .

so no comment on my post , I guess not many have anything to say to me . wasn't really going to post anymore but I do learn alot from others .

HOPE you are doing good , really wish some kind people of the world would stop getting screwed. Thanks for listening .

3...I read your posts, but normally hate to butt in as I'm not one for great advice on sticking things out while the affair is on-going.

I have such admiration for your strength and courage in this...you just amaze me!

I stand in awe of those who are able to do what you have done. Think your H should kiss the ground you walk in...as he has no idea what a treasure you are to have in his life.

Good Luck!

Wifey- It is so wierd that u wrote , I read so much around here and I think your words of wisdom are GREAT , I often have wished u would respond on some of my post now I know why U don't .

Thank U for kind words U said about me , I don't agree I don't think anything of myself other then I am a fool and always belived the best in him .

He was the only person in my life who truly mad me belive I was the most beutiful ,sexy , desirable and smart person . He made me belive I was something touched me in a way no other . I had great family and friends and much incouragement in life , but HE was able to breath life into me like no other . I was always told wonderful things about me but I belived when he said it .

Pretty sick the one who made me feel all that now does not even get when I say he makes me feel worthless . Not because he still doesn't tell me but because I can't belive any more. can't talk any more Thank u again just for responding.

One of the most damaging items of betrayal is the way it strips away the way we view ourselves. Right or wrong, we do get a lot of our self-esteem from how someone else makes us feel. If they make us happy, if we feel we are loved...we often see ourselves through their eyes.

HOWEVER...If you hadn't been all those wonderful things...you never would have been able to see his appreication of them. The fact that they were FOOLISH and closed their eyes, doesn't take away from the wonderful women we were...and ARE today!

We were NOT fools for loving and trusting. Yes, that very trust was taken and used against us, but it still wasn't the wrong thing for us to do. Often we do the right thing...and we still get hurt. We have no control over what another may do with the gift we give them, rather it is a material gift, or one of much greater value, our trust, our love, our committment. We gave a great gift, they abused it. It doesn't take away from the value of the gift.

You are the same woman you were before all of this. Will he ever open his eyes and see all you have to offer? I don't know. But, rather he ever gets to bask in the glow of the beautiful, wonderful, loving woman you are or not...it doesn't change the fact that you are. It will be his loss...not yours.

Peace on your healing path.

Hi 3,

Not to ask an obvious (or hurtful) question but why is your H the only way this woman can get to court? Isn't there a bus or taxi where you live? How can he truthfully say he is focused on your M when he drops everything to drive her around? If she's old enough to have to go to court in the first place, she can get her own ride, too, IMHO. Maybe there is more to this situation. If she's making threats, perhaps you should seek a restraining order or look at moving FAR away. Just my 2 cents. Stay strong, you are a special lady. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Blessings!

3--the best thing I know to tell you is, well, ditto everything JAW said. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You ARE a wonderful person! Don't judge yourself according to how your H acts towards you!

Please try not to focus so much on OW. She is not worth your time and energy. I know it's impossible to not think about her and the situation, but don't let it consume you. As far as wanting to lose weight to be thinner than her, I don't think it's a good idea. You already ARE better than her! You are the one that is there for your H, you are the one that vowed to love him, you are the one that is doing your best to make things work. And SHE is a borderline PSYCHO. I don't think it will be long til H sees her as she really is (NOT the poor pitiful damsel in distress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

As far a working out and getting a job you can do from home, I think they are great ideas. You need to do more things that are good for YOU.

Btw, please don't stop posting. Even if it's just to vent and call your H every name in the book, keep posting!

EJ- I don't mind any questions and yes there is alot more to situation . I have posted for awhile my post is long IN JFO .(HOLE STORY)

Yes there are taxi's I AM IN NY LOLOL.
She has no money , and she feels he owes her cause he said he would "MARRY HER" HE tells me all and that means some where between what he tells me and what goes on there is the TRUETH
I do not belive he is totaly honest . I am not stupid , but I am persistent to get to the truth no matter how long it takes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She does not want to belive she was betrayed or mad a fool of .

LOST- I hear you , I am still amazed after all this that I am so focused on her . But I am .

I want to clear it up , he is not saying anything wrong or ignoring me he is just either normal , witch sometimes I think is withdrawl or affectionate but not crazy with emotion .

Talks about every thing except OW unless she pops up and has to . Other then that its lets get on with our life attitude . And I think thats where my problem is .

I want it all the hole story ,his real feelings I know he is holding back thinking the TRUTH only hurts worse . AND I need to talk about it , he doesn't take it serious , like any fight u would have as a married couple that u might forget about .

I asked him why he has more guilt for her , then for what he did to me .

Now he is saying cause it was not an A , I moved out then sleept with her . LOL

H knows I know that is BS , convinces himself he wasn't real wrong . Makes him feel better .

When he first came home he use to say sorry every day admitting the A , the lies ect. Now sings different toon.

Tied to tell him he is still having A by even seeing or speaking to her he thinks that I am crazy for saying that and laughs . He still thinks A is only when u have $ex thats it .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now he is saying cause it was not an A , I moved out then sleept with her . LOL
H knows I know that is BS , convinces himself he wasn't real wrong . Makes him feel better . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Tied to tell him he is still having A by even seeing or speaking to her he thinks that I am crazy for saying that and laughs . He still thinks A is only when u have $ex thats it .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't ya just want to grab him by the shoulders and just SHAKE him when he says crap like that?!

And I'm just being nosy now, but why does OW have so many court dates??

sweetie -- it breaks my heart to hear the damage your husband had done to your self-esteem and confidence.

Please take it back! Take control of your own happiness. You are a good person, a good wife, a good mother. You have handled this ugliness in your life with more grace than any one could ever expect!

Please don't let him disrespect you any longer. If it would help you to heal, then there should be NO QUESTION that he should tell her the truth -- and let her know that he is CHOOSING YOU over HER. TO HELL with her or her problems, and she can suffer with the pain of that knowledge -- I have no problem wishing that on her.

And I would have no problem telling her myself if I were you.

He doesn't deserve you. He doens't deserve your protection. He doesn't deserve for you to keep his secrets.

The only reason he demands that of you is for HIS OWN SELFISHNESS. Sorry but THOSE DAYS ARE OVER.

Don't tolerate this 3!~ please.

HI - LEXXY I know you are so feed up with me . I got a thick head , just my gut tells me not yet .

Lost- how are ya? OK be noisy its ok , LOL
The hole court crap has alot to do on how? and the why? he was with her and still allows her to call.

Single mom , was beaten by XH and D . No support from family ,brothers dead beats mom alcoholic and dad abandon .(thats what I am told ) XH does not pay child supoort in rears for 7,000 and she can't afford legal help so does it all on own through court system . XH and her also fight so she gets restraining orders and then takes him to court to make shore he picks up kid IE breaks order gets new one next time they fight .

Now Xh is going to take her to court to bust her chops to get support reduced.

And this cycle continues over and over .

SICK Right !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did have someone in the court (I SPY) to see if some of this was on up and up if he was lieing and he wasn't .

This is why I never know when to call him a lier or sap for her . She is veiwing him as that night in shining armor . Now that he helped and promised to always be their for her ( when he was with her) she feels he owes her and if not with anyone else(like W) why can't he be told what to do by her .Starting to get the sickness of my world yet LOL.

No I don't want to shake him by the shoulders I want to throw him into a cement wall and open his head up to see if he has a brain LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Any way just called and guess what COURT ON MONDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him live hear as long as he wants to be misarable because the gloves are off I am here for me and kids thats it , no dinner no cloths no marriage . What ever maybe we can be nice roommates , now hes crying why can't I understand that he loves only me .
WOW can't stop laughing . Please post I always enjoy someone to talk to .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now that he helped and promised to always be their for her ( when he was with her) she feels he owes her and if not with anyone else(like W) why can't he be told what to do by her .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Umm....HELLO...What about the promise he made you...love, honor, cherish, for better or worse, forsaking all others??? Is he that blind that he doesn't know manipulation when he sees it?? (never mind, I know the answer to that one) I know...my H was the same way, fog and all that crap.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told him live hear as long as he wants to be misarable because the gloves are off I am here for me and kids thats it , no dinner no cloths no marriage . What ever maybe we can be nice roommates
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told h the same thing. Never did go thru with it. Closest I came to it was sleepin on the couch for a couple nights--never actually stopped "taking care" of him (cooking, laundry, etc.) but told him when I get a job he would have to take care of that stuff himself. I don't blame you at all for saying this or doing it. You've been dealing with this crap for too long, and he needs to get his a$$ back to reality. Don't go jumpin in the car and runnin him over tho!

Things have been going good for H and me. Tomorrow will be 1 week since our last big argument (a record!). When I got fed up with everything a while back, I told him to do what he wants, he doesn't have to tell me everything he does. Well he said he knows I don't trust him, he doesn't blame me anymore. He said he wants me to be able to trust him again, so he doesn't go anywhere without me knowing, comes straight home from work, etc. We even talked about OW without arguing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Her and her bf are "broke up", still living together as roommates, and she is having probles with the latest OM. Awwww--poor baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Anyway, she doesn't have a car (sound familiar?) and evidently neither (x?)bf nor new guy came to pick her up from work yesterday and she asked H for a ride. He told her he couldn't do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So we're doing pretty good.

Take care!

Hey LOst I had an Idea you can tell the OW to call my H he loves giving W rides regular TAXI BOY I SAY LOL LOL LOL

3, I'm a straight shooter, so I may sound harsher than I intend. But I do care, and I would like to help you if I can.

I just won't give you much sympathy.

In my opinion, if you tolerate this situation, then you don't get to feel sorry for yourself or ask others to. (I'm not saying that you do -- I'm just explaining why my posts may sound tough to you)

I still very firmly believe that you should find a way to push this situation to a close. OW needs to find out what the truth of the matter is.

And it sounds to me like you have some needs that your "husband" isn't meeting. And you better stand up for yourself because no one else is going to.

Take care!

3--LMAO!! GREAT IDEA!!!

A while back OW admitted to H that she wants smoeone to "rescue" her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I think her and your H's OW would be great friends! They can sit around acting pitiful and wait for their fairy-tale knights!

LOL LOL can't stop if I do I will screem !!!!!!!!

Not doing good , I am venting . This piece of $hit I am sooooo mad he really don't see anything wrong with her calling him if she needs anything . No I mean he really don't ." I bring this stress on myself and make this a much bigger issue then what it is ". I should see it for what it is nothing .HA ,When he says these things I have to lock myself in another room to calm down so I DON"T BEAT HIM WITH OUT MERCE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW this is a bad dream and I know I will wake up and everything is going to be ok <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Oh well
tonight should be fun we are going to talk about this MONDAY court date . Cuase now he is saying it will be a hole day off , not just a ride . NOw H needs to explain why he needs to hold her hand .
Part of me is so tiered and the other part says why should I give in why should I hang it up , let her break ,let him tell the truth if he wants her . I don't know . I belive more then I dibelive , does that make sense ? I do think most of everything he is telling me is true , but and there is always a BUT there is not total honesty.

Sweetie, you need to tell this inconsiderate "person" that it is you or it is her, there is to be no contact with her or he will have to leave, you are being treated horribly, he has no respect for your feelings and as long as you tolerate it he is going to continue to do exactly what he is doing. Tell him calmly if you can and if he refuses to tell her nc and that you two are working things out, then tell him to leave. You are worth more!

LEXXY- HI - I kind of pegged U for a straight shooter I am not offended ,nor do I expect pity, or sympathy . I thought that by being here some will just be a sounding baord or give their 2c , U know support . Following MB to the letter is hard and all the reading in the world will not make sense to me 100% . This is also a place for support thats what I am hear for .

I am not mad or offended at all if someone thinks I am a pour excuse (NOT SAYING ANYONE SAID THAT).

I will take all the advice I get and use some not all , I will always take all the nice ,loving words and the ((((((HUGS))))))and hold them close to my heart for some thing to hold on to .

Everyones situation is different in the respect that every WS /BS /OP has different personality BEFORE any of this started to begin with and no one knows that better then the person sitting in the position .

Part of the things my H says doesn't through me off cause he may have always been that way ,since the day we meet and I respect him for who he is (ON CERTAIN ISSUSES) I am not the type that ever belived once u marry U can change someone .

I have lots of resons for standing here in my home and not moveing out . MY resons , short as I can :

DAD died worked all his life only owned his HOME .
(7 yrs now)
I was chosen (3sisters) to take care of MOM she sells the home and gives me and H all the money to buy home so we can start a life and she will live in basement and I will be responsable for her .

H in middle of building apt. MOM dies on mothers day 2000.

After that I broke down so much,I felt guilty .money alot of things.Any way I detached and I would say H got most of it . Not giving excuse for affair !!!!!!!!!!!!
Any way I won't leave this house for any reson
no matter what , H won't leave no matter how I asked , yell or beg him to leave . ( when I asked him last time(6/2001) He ran and just went to OW I guess . Now swears he wants me , so I do belive something ,he does love me and I still love him I hate him sometimes but love him LOL.
If he is going to leave he will do it when he is ready . And I am more prepared this time . I am stronger . AND now I have MB people who no my pain and can relate. Thanks for always posting .
P.S. I always keep your advice in my pocket .

3, I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but I think if I were you, I would just tell the OW and get it over with. Either that or give H (yet another) ultimatum--"you tell her by (whatever date you choose) because I'm going to call her on that day". But that's just me. OW in my situation still doesn't know that I knew about the A. I wish I had told her. I'm not going to do it now because H and I seem to be recovering, and I don't want to start a big conflict. That is, unless she happens to contact me to find out why I don't talk to her anymore (and she hasn't done it yet, so she's probably not going to). I've already told H that should that particular situation arise, I'm telling her that he confessed to me in November.

Wouldn't it be funny if you screwed with him by changing his cell phone #, or found some way to block her from calling him? Or even better, have his cell phone calls forwarded to the home phone?

Hmmmm....maybe not. Just my devious little mind at work again!