Red,
My WH also had a difficult (impossible) time taking me out in public. From what he has told me, it was mostly a fear that we would run into someone/anyone who was aware of "other" life. He was terrified that someone would say something which would cause him to have to do a lot more lying or that we would run into one of his many OW. Taking me out in public and even the thought of it was extremely stressful for him.
One of the things that happens with sex addicts is that most of them separate their "married" lives from their "addict" lives. They do a lot of things to make sure that these two lives don't cross over into each other usually by using secrets and lies to hide one from the other. While out in public, there was too much my WH couldn't control. As his addict life grew bigger and bigger, he did whatever he could to hide the fact that I was his wife. It's one thing for people to know that he was married. It's another thing for them to have the knowledge of who I am or what I look like so that they would have the opportunity to blow his web of lies.
My WH would only take me out if we went somewhere that was quite far away from our hometown. I'm not kidding when I say that he never seemed to "feel" like it when it came to taking me to a local restuarant, but didn't mind driving me clear to the next state just to eat a meal. There were no lengths that WH wouldn't go to just to keep me from finding out.
In the haze of his addiction, WH did some really stupid stuff. I agree that at first there is a natural "high" that comes with the rush, the excitment, and the thrill of the sexual release. After a while, it becomes a way to maintain themselves. Without their "fix", they spiral downward just the same as any addict. They experience a large amount of stress and tension which only eases with their fixes. After a while, it never goes away completely. The endorphin rush that WH gave himself with each orgasm wasn't associated with intimacy or emotional closeness. Endorphins are the single most addictive substance in the world. And your body is a natural maker of that substance. It is very difficult to police someone whose drug of choice is made inside of their own body.
While I have a high sex drive myself, WH would shy away from having sex with me because I represented intimacy and emotional closeness which is something that he doesn't associate with the physical pleasure of having an orgasm. It was as though by having sex with me, he was allowing his "other" life to taint his married life. It left him with a lot of bad feelings and guilt.
We are still working on bringing intimacy and emotional closeness into our sex life. One thing that really helped was when we no longer had the lies and secrets tearing us apart. WH could never open up for fear of letting something slip. He could never let down his guard enough to allow himself to get close to me. With the lies and secrets out of the way, we are able to reverse that situation so that he is on his guard with everyone else except me. Sounds easy, but old habits are really hard to break.
After WH told me all of the secrets and lies that he has worked so hard to hide from me over the years and his worst fears of me leaving him didn't materialize, he told me that he had never felt closer to anyone before in his entire life because I knew everything about him (including the bad stuff) and still loved him.
Now, I just wish that I could feel the same way about him. I feel like he is a total stranger to me that I know very little about. It's hard to let my guard down with him because I have been hurt so much. At times, I get really angry and wish that he could have gotten his act together sooner before it caused so much hurt and damage. I'm terrified that he will backslide. At times, I still feel as though everything is hopeless and that all of these good changes aren't going to last. I guess what I am doing now is taking the leap of faith. When I gets too much, I hand it over to God and know that only time will tell.
Regardless of what happens, I do have a sense of peace about all of this. I will be able to go forward in whatever life that lays before me with the knowledge that I have done everything that I can do to make my marriage work. It's up to WH whether or not he wants to be a part of this marriage or if the life of a sexual addict is more appealing to him. He can no longer have his cake and eat it to and I will not enable him so that he can do that.
