This is from a newsletter I subscribe to. The book Not Just Friends is brand new.... (Barnes and Noble didn't even have it in yet this weekend)

Glass is a well recognized expert in the field of infidelity, her new book is getting excellent reviews from everyone in the marriage saving industry. Harley mentioned it and reccomended it to a caller on the radio show the week before last, giving it high marks for it's insights and tips. I'm reccomending it to nearly all my clients who are dealing with infidelity.

C

~~~~~~~

subject: It's Not Always as it Looks in Love, Marriage -2/16/03

from: Smart Marriages®

This wonderful article is full of great advice for couples from
the Shirley Glass book, NOT Just Friends. Shirley is scheduled to
present at the Reno Smart Marriages conference in a special invited
session.
To order the book on amazon, click:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/074322549X/smartmarriages

###################
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

February 16, 2003

It's not always as it looks in love, marriage

POLLY DREW

"Picture this. We were high school sweethearts, happily married for 28
years," writes Renee (not her real name). Renee and her husband, both
professionals, had children in college, a "big house on a lake" and
took
"fabulous vacations."

Last September, Renee's life changed forever. A tip from a friend led
to her
husband's secret life -- online where he'd arrange to meet women for
sexual
trysts.

Acting on that tip, Renee got her own screen name, developed a secret
online
persona and started to "chat" with her husband. He had no idea that the
babe
he was flirting with was his own wife. Sickened, but empowered, Renee
arranged a "date" with her online lover, her philandering husband. He
showed, so did she.

"My husband was living a double life," she told me on the phone last
week.
"We are both in therapy now, but I've filed for divorce. He might be
able to
live a lie. I will not."

Renee, like most of us, believed that infidelity only happens to bad
people
who think that they are in unhappy marriages. She now knows otherwise.
People in seemingly good marriages have affairs, too.

Shirley Glass, author of "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship
from
Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal" (Free Press), had an early
experience that defined her professional mission: An elderly friend,
who had
a loving wife and seemed to be satisfied in his marriage, had sexual
flings
for decades. His wife had no idea. Until the day he died, she believed
that
she had been loved exclusively.

This was in the mid-'70s and Glass, then a graduate student in
psychology,
wanted to study this phenomenon. But she found that there was little
research on infidelity. Despite the raised eyebrows in her department,
Glass
wrote and defended her dissertation on extramarital affairs. Since
then, her
findings have been breaking new ground.

Married for more than 40 years and the mother of three adult children,
she
offers far-reaching insight, much of it counter-intuitive. A few facts
from
her research:

-- You can have an affair without sex. Infidelity is any emotional or
sexual
intimacy that violates trust.

-- People are more likely to cheat if their friends and family members
have
cheated.

-- Starting over with a new love does not necessarily lead to a life of
eternal bliss. Seventy-five percent of all unfaithful individuals who
marry
the affair partner end up divorced.

-- More than 90% of married individuals believe that monogamy is
important,
but almost half of them admit to having had affairs.

Glass says that there are three "red flags" that separate platonic
friendships from romantic affairs. Being aware of these flags will keep
your
friendships safe:

-- When a friendship allows openness of hopes and fears, more than with
a
spouse, it indicates a powerful, emotional kind of intimacy. Often
people in
these relationships see themselves as each other's best friends.

-- Many times, the conversations are secret and far away from the
day-to-day
pressure and routines of family life. The secrecy fuels the intensity.

-- Sexual chemistry is made stronger because it's forbidden.
Conversations
peppered with innuendo and desire are much more powerful. The couple
swears
they will never act on it. But as Glass writes, by suppressing
feelings,
they find that the sexual tension increases.

These flags line a slippery slope into an affair -- emotional and
sometimes
physical. The spouse may feel jealous, only to be rebuffed: "We're just
friends."

So what can we do to prevent the descent? In a phone interview, Glass
is
clear that there is no way a couple can "affair-proof" their marriage.
But
she makes this point: "You can affair-proof yourself. We are all
responsible
for our own behavior."

Drawing on her in-depth research, Glass provides a "mini" guide for
preventing infidelity:

-- Maintain walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up
privacy
walls with others who could threaten your marriage.

-- Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch or take
private
coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a
co-worker, meet in public places.

-- Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your
committed
relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours out
his
or her heart.

-- Protect your relationship by discussing issues at home. If you do
need to
talk with someone about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend
of
the marriage (or a professional).

-- Keep old flames from re-igniting. Research shows former lovers are
hard
to resist.

-- Don't go over the line when you're online with Internet friends. If
you
have online friends, make sure to include your partner. Don't exchange
sexual fantasies online.

-- Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage.
Surround
yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in
fooling around.

As a married person of 20 years, I've learned that "until death do us
part"
is a very fragile vow. As a marital therapist for 18 years, I am
humbled by
people's strengths and their ability to admit weaknesses.

While exploring this topic, I've been reminded over and over of this
simple
concept: We all have the ability to learn, change and grow. We are
human.

------------

For more resources, visit these Web sites:

www.shirleyglass.com

www.divorcebusting.com

www.smartmarriages.com

Copyright 2003 Journal Sentinel Inc.

**************************
To SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE, or Change your subscription address,
use the form on our website (http://www.smartmarriages.com). Do not
reply to
this email. On the website, click Newsletter.

Please respect our copyright. If you wish to use any of our content
send an
email and request permission.

This is a moderated list. Replies are read by Diane Sollee, editor.
Please
indicate if your response is NOT to be shared with the list.

The newslist shares information on marriage, divorce and educational
approaches. Opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by members
of the
Coalition.

Newsletter archive - to read ALL past posts to the newsletter:
http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/index.html#start

7th annual Smart Marriages conference/RENO, Nevada
June 26-29, 2003 http://www.smartmarriages.com/conferencedetails.html

List your program in the Directory of Classes at www.smartmarriages.com

Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education, LLC (CMFCE)
Diane Sollee, Director
5310 Belt Rd NW, Washington, DC 20015-1961
www.smartmarriages.com 202-362-3332
cmfce@smartmarriages.com

FAIR USE NOTICE: This e-newsletter contains copyrighted material the
use of
which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright
owner. We
make such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of
marriage, family, couples, divorce, legislation, family breakdown, etc.
We
understand this constitutes a 'fair use' of such material as provided
for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17
U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without
profit
to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included
information for research and educational purposes. For more information
go
to: http://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/17/107.shtml. If you wish to use
copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go
beyond
'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

--

Have been to her site...it's got a lot of interesting reading...loved the questionaires she had on knowing when it's going towards more then a friendship. Plus the others which point out areas which might need addressing in the marriage.

I do think it's very easy to fall into EA when you've got a really good friend and then you wonder how in the world things got out of hand. I think many WS really do find themselves in over their heads and then haven't a clue as to how they got there, and worse how to get out without completely shattering the friendship...then they end up falling deeper and deeper into that pit of betrayal.

It's good reading...plan on getting the book myself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do think it's very easy to fall into EA when you've got a really good friend and then you wonder how in the world things got out of hand. I think many WS really do find themselves in over their heads and then haven't a clue as to how they got there, and worse how to get out without completely shattering the friendship...then they end up falling deeper and deeper into that pit of betrayal.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A slippery slope indeed.

Feedback from the newletter list where the book review I posted above was distributed.
Thought you would find the discussion of EA's very interesting. Note the reply farther down from Peggy Vaughn, well known infidelity expert. I use her work a lot:

YOUR REPLIES TO "EMOTIONAL" INFIDELITY:

> Response to Shirley Glass. (Diane, same guy here, but I choose to
stay
anonymous)
>
> There is no question that close friendships with member of the
opposite sex
> can create stress in a marriage. But that does not make intimate,
nonsexual
> relationships into affairs. They are not affairs, and their
participants are
> not unfaithful. Words have meaning. We can't just say that close
nonsexual
> relationships with some sexual overtones are affairs or that they
represent
> infidelity. They do not.
>
> Freud said that ALL relationships between men and women were sexual
at their
> core. While Freud overstated the sexual nature of human life, there
is
> certainly more than a grain of truth in his claim. Many platonic
> relationships between men and women have a strong sexual
undercurrent. That
> does not make these relationships into affairs.
>
> The critical issue that all married people need to confront is that
of
> boundaries. We need to know that, while we can have strong
friendships with
> members of the opposite sex, we cannot go into hotel rooms with them.
We need
> to focus on making sure we never step from harmless flirtation into
real
> infidelity. Knowing the boundaries is critical for avoiding
infidelity.
> Dumbing down infidelity to include emotional closeness is
intellectually
> incorrect and destructive. - anonymous male reader

- - - - - - - - - -

> This exchange beautifully illustrates the difference between the
> sexes...verifying much of research findings...men think of infidelity
as
> sex...as if their gene pool were infested...women see extramarital
emotional
> intimacy as a threat to the security of their nest...both genders
could do
> better in understanding the other...but it won't change anything if
they
> do...lt
>
- - - - - - - - - - -

> Diane,
> As someone who is the spouse of someone who had an affair, I can say
it was
> the emotional connection with the other woman that did more damage
than the
> act of sex. The sex was just a culmination of the intense emotions
that began
> first. To say that there is no infidelity in "emotional" affairs,
doesn't
> take into account the damage of online affairs. From my standpoint,
emotional
> infidelity does more damage than the sex does.
> Carol
- - - - - - - - - - -
> Diane,
> I can understand why you are letting people comment on this topic
without
> identifying themselves, but I do think you should require them to
identify
> whether or not they've read Glass's book. At least request it. -
Mitzi

GOOD POINT, but a little late for this discussion. The book, by the
way,
was at #54 on amazon after Shirley Glass was on the NPR Fresh Air show
on
Monday. Order the book at
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/074322549X/smartmarriages

Or, order Shirley's keynote from the Smart Marriages 2002 conference at
800-241-7785.
- - - - - - - - - - -
> Dear Diane,
>
> I want to weigh in with the male reader who responded to Shirley
Glass's
> definition of emotional infidelity as being too broad. I love
Shirley's work
> and recommend it, but I think emotional fidelity is a point she
stretches a
> bit too far. Let's not turn marriage into a cage.
>
> Perhaps, it would be better to promote the marital partner being the
primary
> emotional relationship and the only sexual one. Love is a wonderful
thing and
> it can be pure and platonic. To see affection and caring as always
potentially
> sexual is a mistake. Yes, we are human, meaning seducible, but we are
also
> capable of acting from the higher stages of moral development
(Kohlberg).
> Limerence (Tennov) and infatuation are always possible; it's a
complicated
> life we lead, yet, it is within our ability to recognize when we've
been
> hijacked by our limbic brain (Goleman).
>
> Annette T. Brandes, Ph.D.
> Stepfamily Life Can Be Hell But It Doesn't Have to Be!

- - - - - - - - - - - -
> I agree with the male reader who says 'infidelity' aught to refer
only to sex
> and sexual behavior, whether its intercourse or something else. I am
female,
> and also agree that the marriage "movement" is trying to blanket too
large an
> area into its definition. Find another word/term if you must
describe
> emotional connection or involvement between 2 people who are not
married to
> each other while they ARE married to other people. But its NOT
"infidelity."
> Otherwise we run into recriminating an intellectual connection and
> compatibility between 2 people as "mential infidelity" - which sounds
> ridiculous to me.
> Anya Roman
- - - - - - - - - - - -
> Emotional Infidelity does exist and it is a huge betrayal to a
marriage.
> Sexual activity between people who are married to others usually
begins with
> emotional attachments formed due to relationships existing at work or
play.
> Emotional closeness does not necessarily preceed sexual activity and
is not
> always untrue to one's marital promise. However, emotional affairs or
> affairs of the heart do exist and can end a marriage, just like
sexual
> infidelity. Both sexual and emotional closeness must exist for a
marraige to
> work and the betrayal of either one can lead to marital break up. We
also
> need to remeber that the bible says that thinking again and again
about sex
> wiht someone to whom you are not married is adultery. The reason is,
the
> actual affair begins with the emotional one. FrankG

- - - - - - - - - -
> Doesn't this guy remember the study that came out a few years ago
showing that
> women believe that having an emotional relationship, without sex, is
> considered infidelity and; the same study showed men believed you had
to have
> sexual intercourse for it to be considered infidelity. Sounds like
he would
> fit right into this research. - female reader/counselor

- - - - - - - - -
> But of course infidelity begins with the roving eye, the flirtation,
the
> quickening of the heart and the desire to be together! Marriage is
> about becoming "as one" - so infidelity means any disruption of this
> unity, whether it is "merely" emotional or ends in sexual intimacy.
-Megan
-- - - - - - - - -
> Dear Diane,
>
> In response to your query, "what do you think?" - in reaction to
Shirley
> Glass's distinction between what "does" and what "doesn't" constitute
an
> affair...
>
> I totally concur with Shirley's assessment. The key in determining
whether
> behavior can legitimately be classified as an affair is whether or
not there's
> SECRECY regarding the outside involvement.
>
> Therefore, just as Shirley said, a "secret" emotional connection
(without sex)
> IS an affair, but a sexual connection that is NOT "secret" is not an
affair;
> (it's a "sexually open marriage").
>
> It's been clear to me for many years that it's the "deception"
(whether sexual
> or emotional) that creates the most long-term damage to the trust and
the
> future of the marriage.
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Peggy Vaughan
> www.dearpeggy.com
- - - -- -- - - - - - - - -
> Diane,
>
> I used the older Psychology Today article in my Moral Development
course
> with undergraduates last semester to discuss this issue of
infidelity. The
> students were deeply engaged after I presented Glass' argument about
> emotional intimacy, betrayal, spoken and unspoken expectations. I
heard that
> her article was passed around the dorms as well. I am including the
recent
> article you sent and will carry on this discussion.
>
> I think Shirley has clarified boundaries of the heart in a compelling
> manner. This issue truly makes students, both male and female, stop
and
> think.
>
> Josephine Hauer
> Director, Program in Marriage Education
> University of Bridgeport
> Bridgeport, CT 06604
- - - - - - - - - - - -
> Diane,
> I am 100% with Shirley in this debate.
> And I am speaking as a previously involved partner!
> Also, I would prefer Shirley to include that the attraction outside
the
> primary relationship may well be to someone of the opposite gender of
the
> spouse.>
> John J.
- - - - - - - - - - - -

> Dear Diane,
>
> I ordinarily don't put in my oar on these things, but here I feel I
must
> disagree with the male reader who thinks that only "sexual"
infidelity counts
> as infidelity. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines infidelity
as
> "unfaithfulness to a moral obligation: DISLOYALTY" before it as a
subheading
> refers to "marital unfaithfulness, or an instance of it." The moral
> obligation, as I've always understood it, is the vow to "forsake all
others"
> and that has never meant just not to have sex with them but to
forsake any
> kind of rewards one might have been able to enjoy if the vow of
exclusivity
> had not been taken.
>
> I have a problem with anyone who thinks its OK to hurt the feelings
of one's
> spouse as long as they don't stray sexually. (Especially if the
person states
> that sex "doesn't mean anything - its just having an orgasm" which
many
> unfaithful partners assert. If that's the case, it would appear that
for them,
> the emotional relationship IS the important one.)
>
> I'm reactive on this one, due to the effect of emotional infidelity
on two
> past relationships of mine. I was so resentful of my partner's
unwillingness
> to give up what he insisted was "just a friendship, a very good
friendship"
> that the relationship eroded and became mutually bitter. I think the
"male
> reader" is indeed expressing a male point of view, rather than the
correct
> definition of "infidelity."
>
> Carolyn Nolan, MFT
> San Diego, California

I heard an interview with Dr. Glass on NPR Fresh air. I think it was on Feb. 17. You can hear it online here:

http://freshair.npr.org/day_fa.jhtml?display=day&todayDate=02/17/2003

I found it intresting, see as I just found out.

This is her website, and it has FABULOUS information on infidelity. Well put together, some quizzes, some facts and myths. I got a lot out of it.

http://www.shirleyglass.com/

Still haven't got the book. Our local B&N doesn't have it in yet. Grrrrrrr...... I keep thinking I should order it, and then think... no it will be faster to get it locally..... and still I don't have it in my hands! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Shirley is speaking at the Smart Marriages Conference in Reno this July. I'm planning to attend the conference, and this is the first thing I'm signing up for! (Even before the cattle drive opportunity I hear is available over the weekend!! LOL )

C

Cerri,

Wanted to respond that I love this book! Still in counseling with SH, and during our last appt after lengthly discussion - he recommended it to me even though he hadn't finished reading it quite yet. He said he hadn't read anything that conflicted with MB philosophy - and that all of them at MB have great respect for Shirley Glass.

He said it wasn't in the bookstores yet so I ordered it from Amazon. I started reading it; and knew right away that it was one book that I felt FWH could read and SHOULD read to help us on our journey in recovery.

He took it to a conference to read in the evenings (his suggestion) after I put a generic book cover on it first. He liked it in the sense that it had quite alot of meaning for him. However it was somewhat "hard" for a WS to read in the sense that he really started "getting it". Nice thing about the book that I screened it for is that it doesn't come across as judgmental of WS. There are plenty of other books out there that do; and it's just not healthy nor promote recovery IMHO!

Glad you like what you've seen so far. Thanks, CSue

It's around 400 pages

I have read the book and I do agree that it fairly closely follows MB principles. Maybe that is why I was disappointed after finishing it, not that the content wasn't good- rather it was just so similar to what I have read from the Harley's.

I guess my disappointment was probably based on the lack of anything "new" in the book. At the same time, maybe that just says that what I already knew from reading the Harley material is the right approach to what I am going through at this time.

So overall, if you want to read a book to reinforce what you already know and are most likely practicing- this is the one. If you believe in MB, this will be a refresher for you for the most part. If you are looking for anything new and/or groundbreaking, look elsewhere in my opinion.....