Ok, I have reason to suspect that H is having A with co-worker. We've been married 2yrs. 4mos. Have proof, but nothing concrete. H has been writing stuff about me and things that I've said in his planner. I quit snooping about a week ago. I've known this has been going on for about 2 or 3 months. The day after Valentines Day, (which he had bought me roses and made love to me) Told me that as soon as he gets the money, he's getting a divorce. This still shocked me. I asked him if he had anyone else lined up. Of course he denied. Started naming all the things that I'ven done wrongn in the marriage, but still says "it's not you or me, I don't know why" typical huh? Well, to make things a little short, we agreed to see a MC. Went to frst session 2 weeks ago. MC asked H if he still wanted to work this out or get D. H said he wanted to work it out. OK, now big question here, How do I keep going to MC knowing what I know? How can I go through with PlanA without blowing up at MC about knowing everything? H has been really nice and seems like he is trying but one minute he's nice, the next he's cold and un-attentive. Still been making love to me everyday too. I've decided to quit fishing for eveidence and concentrate on making M work. I can't make it work if I know anymore details. An it really P!$$e$ me off that he writes stuff that I say an things that i do in his planner. I don't know if he still is, I quit reading it last week. He was writing stuff in there that my D said and did too. She's 11 for pete's sake! Please tell me how I can go to MC on Tues. knowing what I know? I'm sorry for not giving much more detail, I will do when I get more time. Someone please help!

BTW--- MC doesn't know about suspicion of A. We went on the context of us not having anything to talk about and our lack of communicating. (he says I never talk, that I'm too quiet.) No one else has a problem talking to me! lol! Must be just digging for things that I do wrong!

Welcome to MB, you should go through basic concept if you have not read it yet. Read SAA and HNHN also.

Yes, you should be in plan A ... he told you what are his issues about you in M ... fix it ! This is a gift from you to your M & him. Learn about 4 gifts of love, care (ENs), protection (no LB), time and radical honesty. For now you H is not at the same page, the radical honesty you could do it later.

Talk to MC individually and tell him/her about your finding, it should be confidential. Meanwhile let H alone on his indecision, Martian should be left alone to find the answer.

-rh-

in addition to the links above, click on the link in my sig line

Session with MC went well today. I must've said something the last visit about being suspicious, he asked me if I still was. Told him a little and why. H still says nothing going on there. I believe otherwise because of what I saw. Anyway, H still wants to continue with MC, says it is helping us out. So I will continue and I ordered the books you suggested also am reading up on the links and stuff. Hopefully, this can be saved and I can fix the things that I need to to make sure that this never happens again. I have lots of work to do and I will keep you posted on the outcome of things. And if I need help and encouragement, I know where to go. Thank you and wish me luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hanging on for dear life,

Read also The language of Love. Use it to tell your H what you know. If both of you try to patch this M you have to start be honest with H and yourself. This what dr. phil calls "Emotional Integrity", you have to be honest about your feeling so you don't send any mix signals. About your MC, I would call him/her and have one on one meeting without your H. Just think of if you hide something from your doctor and he thought your health progressingly better but you know this secreet will eat away your health.

When you tell what you know ... don't confront him just tell him what you found, explain that how this eating your love for him and tell him that you will be there if he need help as much as you need help to understand this ...
stop there and listen ... let him explain it.

Yes, you can fix this M. InLove could be made if one allows it. If you follow 4 gifts of love (or known also as 4 rule of recovery) and your H allows you to do it to him (not reject it) ... within 3-6 months H will fall head over heal ! and hope he will reprociate it to you so that you will look at him with pride and the live of your life. Right now you have to learn the skill to make it happen.

Good luck and God Blesses you. - How to fight evil ? By doing good - rh.

I'm having a really hard time figuring out what to do. I read SAA and I'm now reading HNHN, but I'm torn on how to approach H on what I know. I know if I tell him I've been looking in his stuff, he'll be mad. But then he already knows that I've been looking there. I'm going crazy here trying to figure out what to do. The weird thing is, I can account for his time! He doesn't take off or anything lately. So maybe he wants to work this out. But then I would think he needs to be honest with me, right? How can I begin to work on his EN's when he's not being honest with me? And how do you act like this doesn't bother you? I don't get it. How can you plan A when this eats you up? How can you Plan A and get him to be honest with you at the same time?

When you start to Plan A, it is still going to bother you. When being betrayed or lied to, the LAST thing you want to do is be nice to the person. Believe me, that's how I felt when I began Plan A.

Plan A is really all about making yourself a better person. Becoming more educated on A's and rebuilding. Reading the books you're working on is a great way to start. Also, keeping yourself physically healthy. Exercise, proper diet (meaning not overeating, yet still not starving yourself) will both make you feel better. And, possiably look better. (I don't know your situation, you may already be a athletic looking knockout, or maybe not).

You're not competing with any other person. You're only making yourself the most attractive spouse you can be. By showing that you're understanding and caring about the situation. By showing intelligence when it comes to matters of emotion and feeling. By becoming more physically appealing and attractive. By putting out that effort that says you are the right one, have always been the right one, and always WILL be the right one.

One very verrrrrry important lesson to learn emotionally is how to 'Respond' to emotions. You may think you already 'Respond' to emotions, but most people actually 'React'. What's the difference? 'Reacting' to your emotions is like a reflex. Someone calls you a name, so you call them one back. Someone says something hurtful, so you get angry and tear into them.. 'Reacting' to emotions without thinking about them or the consequences of your reaction leads to nothing but more heartache.

'Responding' to emotions is done with thought. Sure, it's hard. But when someone says a hurtful thing to you, consider why they said it first. Are they right? Did you really hurt them first? Isn't responding with hurtful things just going to lead to more misery? Should you apologize, or maybe just hug them?

By 'Responding' to emotions instead of 'Reacting', we have a lot lower chance of saying and doing things we'll regret next week. It isn't easy. It goes against everything our natural instincts tell us. But it is a FAR better way to treat volitile situations like marital affairs.

Without the strength of God, I don't believe I could have survived the past month. Knowing my WW is living with another man, sharing his home and bed. Without that strengh, I don't think I could get out of bed every morning.

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me" Phil 4:13

Keep strong, remember to take care of yourself, and I'll remember you when I pray. I also wish you good luck in your situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>But then I would think he needs to be honest with me, right?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not yet, not at this time.
{quote]<strong> How can I begin to work on his EN's when he's not being honest with me? </strong>[/quote]
Fillin his ENs got nothing to do with his honesty. It is about you making a chooice to gift him a gift of love, care about his ENs.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>And how do you act like this doesn't bother you? I don't get it. How can you plan A when this eats you up? How can you Plan A and get him to be honest with you at the same time?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOVE. It bothers, it hurts this is why Plan A is not for everyone. You have to keep your taker at bay while you are doing plan A. However you don't do it forever since you will snapped.

Now, from what I read you are looking at your H with dark glasses. You should start looking at him with color glasses. Here are 4 steps from Greg Samlley ...:
1. Honor your spouse, recognize his or her values. Mat6:21: Where your treasure is, your heart will also be.
2. Focus on positive in him and your M. Good and bad happen in M you must focus and hold onto the positive. (what ever minute steps H does)
4. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. He account for his time ... this is very good sign!.
5. Maintain hope. Romans 5:3-5 ... hope doesn't disappoint. Find what is the treasure under neath this mess, search for the treasure that God promises exist underneath the pain. HE might want to bless you with a very fullfiling M.

-rh-

I think I'm just gonna hold off on telling him yet what I already know. He knows that I know, so he's been really trying to lay low about it so to speak. I've just gotta concentrate on the things that he told me that I need to work on. Hopefully, that will help clear his fog. I've been trying to take good care of myself. I've always been pretty skinny, but the last few weeks, I've lost a few lbs and I really can't afford to lose anymore. I've been eating, just not very well. I've been making myself look good too (making sure I have my make-up look nice and hair & stuff) But I think I've always managed to do that though. I have to figure out what his EN's are and go after them!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>I have to figure out what his EN's are and go after them!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Print out ENQ and fill it up as if your H fill in out. You don't need to put them in any particular order, you just need the top 3 and not in any particular order. Guess it and think hard about his reaction when you do it. You see, if you could fillin top 3, it should impact him. Top 5 will start bringing LB$ and in-love feeling.

Good Luck. -rh-

Well, H and I had a big blowup yesterday. I don't know how it all started. I tried to initiate sex and he rejected me. I asked him why and he said he didn't like my approach. This escalated into how he didn't love me and never did. didn't know why he married me and that he still wanted out. I told him if he wasn't happy, then he needed to leave. He said that I should leave. Then fight got into how the kids are behaving (not listening to rules) H has 2 S's and I have D from previous M's. H has always been hard on D and she has rules where the S's come over they don't have the same rules. H says that they only come over twice a month, so why should they?
Anyway, H ended up leaving and didn't come home til after 10pm last night. Went right up to S's room and stayed there til just a little bit ago. H came downstairs and left. didn't say one word to me. I don't know what to do now! I thought that he wanted to work on our M. He said that I didn't talk enough so I was spending more time with him and talking to him about anything under the sun to get some conversation going. All he would do is sit in front of his computer and utter one-word responses or nothing at all. I had sent D to her grandparents for the weekend so we could spend some time together. We were thinking all day Friday what we could do together and then this happens! Our nice weekend is ruined! I'm sitting here wringing my hands trying to figure out what to do. I have no idea where he is or what he's doing. I told him yesterday to go to OW's since he wanted out. He said that he thinks she already has someone else. Probably just said that to put me off. He said that I was up his @$$ and that I needed to give him some space. I thought that he wanted to work this out and spend time together and talk. I didn't realize that by me sitting there while he was on the computer trying to get conversation going was pushing him away. I'm so confused! What am I gonna do now? I also went Friday night while he was at lodge to the bookstore and bought the DB book and DR. I read the DR already front to back. I know he has to come home sometime today to get ready for work. We both work the same shift and same place. I always make his lunch and take it to him. Should I still make his lunch or have him take care of himself? How should I approach him when he does get home? Or do I just act like he's still not here? Help!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>I always make his lunch and take it to him. Should I still make his lunch or have him take care of himself? How should I approach him when he does get home? Or do I just act like he's still not here? Help!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Listen, A is dead ... OW has OP. Your WH is hurting and still need time to de-fog ... you should reduce LB'ed at all cost. You are in plan A and you should read misapplication of plan A; no initiation of talk of R. I realize that you are hurt from what he had said last night, you should not react to it. He said it in his fog.

Please plan A your butt off. Make/bring his lunch ... don't bring up anything about last night, if he does ... appologize for your action and let him know why ... start with "I feel". Please make it safe for him to come home ... you are driving him away.

-rh-

I didn't mean to drive him away. He still isn't home yet. We leave for work around 10pm. We drive separate because he has to stay over for meetings afterwards. How do I know he didn't just say that OW has someone else already just to get me off the mark? I am really feeling awful right now. I can't stop thinking about our argument. I've been on this board since I woke up this morning reading and feeling worse and worse. We have MC Tues. Do I ask him if he still wants to go or do I just go by myself? I don't want to put any pressure on him. I've done that enough already. I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. I really screwed up this time. He'll probably not come back til after work tomorrow. If he does at all.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Hanging on for dear life:
<strong>I didn't mean to drive him away</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We know. LB is a very bad I did it many times until I learn it achived nothing but feeding my own evil twin by letting my anger get the better of me. Don't hit your head too hard, just remember this feeling next time to stop you from LB'ng. He also has a part of making decision to leave. He could choose to stay.

We call this 'coaster for your life for a reason. You could just grap the seat and don't forget to breath ... nothing we could do. Someone else driving it. Take this time to learn more about MB.

-rh-

<small>[ March 23, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Well, H ended up coming home around 6pm last night. I had managed to take out all the garbage to the road and empty cat-box (which he usually does)b4 he got here. When he came in, I didn't ask him where he was, didn't bring up the other night, and just played it calm and cool. Asked him if he was hungry--he said no.
I made his lunch and took it to him at work last night. Hey, it's a start. Hopefully, I'll get the hang of this stuff and quit LBing!
Told him goodbye just b4 I left work this morning and he said he'll be home as soon as he's done.
Hope I can keep control of myself and behave <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H came home from work this morning acting just civil. (although a little later then usual) I was ready for bed and asked him if he was coming up. He said no. I asked why, he said he would sleep better on the couch. Got up this afternoon and he woke up civil again, but as I started dinner, I saw he was getting ready to leave, I asked if he would be eating dinner here and he said no. So, I guess it's just me and D tonight. He'll probably not return until b4 he leaves for work.

Well, since I have the time b4 dinner is done, I should tell a little more about this situation and why I think there's a little more going on here as far as H is concerned. I apologize if this gets a little long...

M 2 1/2 years. D and I moved from our house to his, we found really nice house and sold his, rented mine out and bought this place.
While moving I noticed that there were about 3 or 4 boxes of books and books on tape. They are all self-help books. Books mostly on self-esteem and pshycotic tendencies and addictive behaviours. (H is recovering alcoholic going on 12 years) I recently found 3 more boxes of them out in the garage. I'm talking pretty big boxes. Plastic tote boxes.

H's mother died when he was young, father died a few years ago. H was married once for 13 months. Has 2 S's. X lives short distance away and is living with another W.

After we moved into new house, I was hooking up our computers and got on his and found e-mail to girl on swinger site. Also found numerous porn items. Confronted him about them and H just brushed it off. H continued to visit these sites and even after numerous talks about it, and promises that he wouldn't do it anymore, still kept doing it. H even cried about it when I brought it up. Told him how much it hurt my feelings and thought it was coming between us because I thought that he was using it to replace real SF. (which was happening) I even told him that we could look at stuff like that together as a couple, but so far, it's never happened and he continues to use it to this day. Although we continued to have SF almost daily, am wondering maybe an addict on this too?

Now noticed H acting strangly since Dec. Negetive in almost every aspect of his life. Having a little trouble with SF and saying it was due to him getting old. (H is 43) I decided to do a little snooping and found that he has been writing stuff about me and D and had a list that said need: table and chairs, tv, computers, microwave, stove, refridge, all stuff you would need for a house. I confronted H about it and he said it was for his brother who was thinking of moving out. I believed him because they had been having trouble. Well, continued to snoop and found stuff maybe about an A. Then I found a list of things that we had purchased while married. What is this? Well, then you know the rest of the story.

I am left wondering what I married. Is this M really worth me trying to save? Do you think I'm in any kind of danger? H has never laid a hand on me, but recently, very angry with me almost to the point of real hatred in his eyes. What did I do to cause so much hatred? I thought I was doing everything right. H seems VERY depressed. Takes a shower only 1 or 2 times a week and hardly ever brushes his teeth. Gained alot of weight lately too. We both quit smoking, H 7 weeks ago, me 33 days. But he started back again last week behind my back. I kept smelling smoke on him and asked he just said he was around people who were smoking. I believed him until I caught him. then I started again. Really disappointed in myself for that. H was hypnotized for his, I was cold turkey. noticed him REALLY acting strange after being hypnotized. Weird huh? I often wonder about those kinds of things.

Well, we have counseling appt. in the morning. I don't know if he will go with me or not this time. He seems really not interested in re-committing to this M and I'm half hoping that I get the chance to talk to the C by myself. If he goes, he'll just act like I'm the one with the problem. I'm being blamed for everything from his teeth rotting out to his S's not coming over to the rotten M we have now. I'm at my wits end here. Wondering if I need meds to help me cope with this awful situation. I'm scared of everything now. I thought I really found someone who loves me and wants to take care of me. Now I'm left wondering why am I even trying. I feel like just giving up. Lost. 50 miles away from my friends and family. I do have friends at work, but they don't really understand and feel that it's gonna end and I should just give it a try and say that at least I did that. But now I don't even know if it's worth saving.

Sorry this is so long, but I have to get the whole picture out there for some help. Thanks in advance.

My H said last night b4 work that he would go to MC this morning with me. Now I was just leaving work, and asked him if he was still going, and he said I was gonna talk to you when I get home. I said, You're not going with me? He said no. Said he doesn't want to live like this anymore. I said, but I love you and I want this M to work out. I know we can work past whatever problem it is. He said he was out all weekend looking for a place to live. I told him I don't want him to go, I want to work this out. He said I gotta go, I'll talk to you when I get home. Our appt is at 9am. I don't think he'll be home b4 I go. I cried all the way home and then decided I better go and see what's left in the bank account and it's ALL GONE!!!!

PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!!! What am I gonna do????

I need help asap!!!

BUMP

You need legal assistance ASAP. He may force you into plan b, maybe someone else can help here. But you need a lawyer ASAP. You need a PI to document the A and an attorney to protect you. These are huge LBs, so you may just want to get the info and hang on to it. You can just get info, continue plan a if he lets you, but you may need to go to plan b to protect yourself. I am so sorry for your pain-Jersey Girl