He was so sweet when he came into the door. He immediately headed for me and we had a real nice long hug. Then he kissed me twice. He asked if I was ok and I said yes. I askedn how *he* was..and he said he was NOT mad at me at all, just angry that she was lying. Our daughter came in and we had to stop discussing it.

What I find very interesting...its almost bedtime and we have been alone and he hasnt asked one word about what she said. Very, very, interesting. Dont you think?

(im on here because he is watching ESPN and I dont like that LOL)

I will apologize tonight. Im giving myself a cool down period and thinking of teh right way to say things.
We are ok for now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ March 27, 2003, 04:21 AM: Message edited by: mojodiva ]</small>

He hasn't asked anything at all about what she had to say. And Im glad because at first I wanted to tell him, but I've thought about what she said, and I think it would actually hurt his feelings, and I dont want to have to do that. I dont want to be her vehicle to lash out at him.

No contact email going out this morning.

But is that a good sign that he appears to not even care what she said???

Mojodiva,

I just read your story, and I'd like to tell you thank you. I've been having some of the same problems (neglecting the housework, spending WAY too much time online). I really thought it was just me! I'm also overweight, but that has never been a problem in my marriage, just my problem with me.

I don't really know what else to say...just thank you. Oh I can think of one other thing--do you have any advice for getting out of this rut? I know what I should be doing, I know what I need to do, I just have a hard time getting started.

Luvbird,
You are welcome...if my story can help even one person feel better, than I am more than glad to go over it again.

The thing I had to learn was _GET MOVING_. When I first started walking I could barely do a quarter mile. Now I do over 2 miles 5 days aweek without even thinking about it. It actually feels good, and I PROMISE you *will* get there.

To get out of the rut is very difficult, believe me, I completely understand! I slipped in January for a period of two weeks...and it was during that time that my husband *really* started to lose hope. Im not excusing his contact with the other woman, but I understand his frustration. I was also becoming frustrated with myself.

The first thing I did was give up the gaming online- even for a trial period. I actually found I was *relieved* not to 'have to play.' I was really no longer enjoying just sitting there. It was when I realized I had frittered away my late twenties on the internet that I knew I had to change.

Its making that connection- realizing you dont like the way you are now. Then to decide exactly what needs to be changed. Mine were easy- I hated my house because it was always dirty. So I started slowly. A friend gave me a link: FlyLady - this place is for women who feel overwhelmed or just need help getting back on track domestically. It was very inspirational. I received their newsletters for only a week until one certain letter arrived in my mailbox. It was a letter from a husband thanking the woman who created Flylady for the changes he saw in his wife. She had finally begun taking care of her home, made more time for herself and the family, and he finally felt happy with his marriage. I kept that letter in my mailbox while I worked on becoming a better housekeeper. It had never occured to me what my husband thought of having to walk into our home, day after day, knowing I will have sat on my butt on the computer while he busted his butt at work. I am so ashamed of that.

It took about a week for me to get on top of things at home. I started with small projects and then tackled larger ones. This week I finally went in and cleaned out our hall closets. I only have one more thing to do before my house will be all in one pice- tackle the linen closet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> While I was doing the small projects I let my family know what I was up to.

There was one thing I wish I had done, now that I have read this Message Board. I wish I had taken my husband, sat him down, and apologized to him for what I had been doing. I have finally told him I am sorry, but I think if I had done it earlier, my husband would have become more engaged with me before he would have emailed the other woman some of the things I read. This is what I wish I had said:

"I want to tell you that I have come to realize how bad things have been in our home. I am ashamed to admit that I have not been the homemaker I can be. I apologize for not keeping up my end of our partnership. I love you and I hope that you understand that I am going to be working on myself and our life together from this moment forward."

I would advise making such a statement to your partner. It will help them know that you really do "get it"- and that you wont continue self-destuctive behavior.

The relief my husband feels now that I am more involved in working on myself, more interested in what he is doing, and the fact that I am creating a comforting home- it makes him a happier and more affectionate man. He no longer feels like he is pulling all the weight (because he was).

I have lost 22 pounds now and I am happy to report that my husband is just so excited. I am no longer the woman who sites at the computer and whines about her weight. I am actually doing it.

I started with baby steps. I made a daily food diary using Microsoft Works and each week I print it off and I keep it on my refrigerator. I write down EVERYTHING I eat or drink and count calories. THen I started doing a little exercise 5 days a week. Maybe you could start with just 15 minutes? Do you have a vcr or dvd player? A walk around the block?

My exercise is now a habit, as is the way I eat. Im into my 12th week of my lifestyle change and I have NEVER been happier (even with all this crap going on). If finding out about my husband's affair didnt make me spiral out of control, nothing will.
I have an online journal- Filtered Vision

Maybe reading that will give you some ideas. As you will see, my motivations for losing weight changed rapidly (it began with me wanting to be thin, then wanting to join the Navy, then attending College...and now its just to be the woman I know I want to be). My big changes started in August 2002 when we arrived in Guam, so begin there. The years between 1998-2001 are me whining and continuing to really do nothing with spurts of activity (which always got my husband's hopes up only to have them dashed when I would return to my regular routine). It does cover a lot of the time I spoke about in my intro.

Please feel free to email me if you have any questions. I would be more than happy to help!!!

My favorite thing to tell myself is: Yes, I am tired and no I dont feel like moving today. But moving on those days I *don't* feel like moving, are even more important than the days I do it without thinking.

If that makes sense. =) Baby steps, baby steps...turn into strides. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Heya, MojoDiva!

Keep doing what you're doing; it sounds great! You know there'll be hard days to come, and there'll be days when you just don't want to shut the computer off and face reality. But you'll do it anyway, and we all know that the first five minutes (of exercise, cleaning, whatever) is the hardest! If you can make it through that, you can make it through the whole thing.

I have updates on my own story, which I'll post in my own thread. Dear me, what a lousy weird hopeful dreadful weekend this is.

mojodiva--

God I can relate to so much of what you've said! About feeling so bad because H comes home to a dirty house--I feel the same way! I also looked at your journal some, and checked out Flylady--as soon as I read through it, I joined. I'm hoping that is what I need to get my butt in gear! I will email you--would love to talk to you--but I've got to run now--gotta go clean my sink! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you so so so so much!

Btw, I'm also shooting for a 15-30 minute walk with H this afternoon--something we started doing a while nack but somehow didn't stick with.

(((((mojodiva)))))) Thank you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

YOU -CAN- DO IT!!!!!!!
((((((LUVBIRD)))))))

Oh My God!!! Diva, I had to answer you!! I'm a FlyFreak, too!!! Those emails will really pile up if you miss even a day, but gawd, it's great!!! I love getting dressed to the shoes every day (ok, ok, most days; some days I'm just frankly too ill to even get out of bed~ or if I do, not out of the bedroom) and my sink is always nice and shiny!!! It makes it nice, since I've been having people over three+ times a week.

Personally, I think you handled the whole OW thing great. I would NEVER let my hubby's "friend" know that she had gotten to me or that I think the world would be a much better place if she and her "lovely" daughter were not members of it. (Of course, then I kick myself and remember that if God can extend her grace, then most certainly so could I ~ after all, I have been in her moccasins... sort of, though not really....bunny trailing again, darn it!) And I don't think there's one itty bitty thing wrong with letting her know that your relationship (sex or otherwise) is stronger and better than ever. If she were anyone else, I'd say that's too stinking private to discuss (I've grown a LOT in the last year)~ but she's not. She already tread in your private places, so to let her know that she didn't kill it is a GOOD THING.

The thing with your husband, while irksome, is pretty much expected, no? He plays the injured party because you don't trust him (Hello! Wonder why?!?!?!). But, in the end, I personally feel like it's a small fries situation. If it is still going down this way a year or two from now, THEN it's time to start biting your fingernails... for now, just be thankful that he changed enough to not go through with what you were fearing and that you two are still sailing forward. Remember, this is a process for BOTH of you: your marriage didn't get screwed up in a day, he didn't develop his lying ways in a day; Soooo~ it's not going to be fixed in a day and he's not going to become this whole new man in a day, either. The mantra of any married person (but especially those who have been through infidelity [on either side of the cheating fence]): patience, patience, patience.

You're doing great, girl!! (((Mojodiva))) Take care and keep us posted!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Calypso!
Yes, that Flylady site was a true blessing for me. I slipped for a couple months (and to my chagrin, that was when he contacted the wench again) but pounced right back on the program as soon as I had kicked my own [censored]. Now, cleaning the sink always reminds me of that website!!!

I gave him a few chances after I found out to end our marriage. He absolutely refused. I found Marriage Builders a few days later. Really, after reading ehre I realized it was a problem I could handle easily...he dropped her so fast Im surprised she didnt feel it over on her side of the world. Same with the other online friend- he gave that up without even a whimper.

Reading in here sometimes depresses me...but there are moments when I realize just how blessed I am to have a man who appears willing to make this work for the rest of his life.In the first week after D-day he would make comments about 'well, I dont know what we're going to decide to do..." and it frankly scared the livin' crap out of me. But after that first week, he talks of the future with US- buying a home, places we'll go during retirement, vacations we should take....I started breathing a little easier.

I still hurt and I still get sad, but I dont get angry anymore like when I found out. I havent cried in over a week.

But I am watching...Im not stupid. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
heheheh

Good to meet another Fly Lady!

Hey, Mojo, how's it going?

Based on your last few posts, I had a look at the FlyLady site. What a hoot the SHE Shouldn'ts were! I don't know that I really need all the baby steps to a clean house, but I've done a few flings and boy, our house needs to be de-cluttered! For that reason alone, I think I'll stick with it. Besides which, it gives me something to do when I need it.

J,
Oh geez, I havent been in here very often, since the pain here sometimes causes me anxiety. Im so sorry it took so long for me to reply!!!

Update:
I still do deal with sadness. I still have anxiety but since its just early in my recovery (just under 2 months now), I am slowly learning to accept that it will happen. My husband's work hours have been crazy this past two weeks, so Im sure it didnt help, since our cuddle times were interrupted.
I am now dealing with not using sex as reassurance that he loves me. This week my project is to not initiate. I still make affectionate gestures, but I am no longer throwing myself at him. His job hours this week have been insane, and he is very tired, so he may not even have noticed yet. I am certain he will in the next couple weeks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
This morning he came home and asked me to go to breakfast with him. Its a first. We went to breakfast and he headed back to work (he is on the firing range, hence the nutty hours). He could have opted for a nap, but he didnt.
Today was also the first time he has snapped at me, well, since Dday- and later he said he was sorry because he was tired and cranky. I shrugged it off, but I do admit to having a burst of this thought in my head when he did it: "HOW DARE *YOU* SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY, DECEIVER?" See, Im not perfect. lol

I am feeling a bit pathetic at times, begging for affection (or it just feels like it). He's still learning to meet that EN (its my largest, largest one). I asked him this morning if I was doing everything I was supposed to and he said, "Yes, of course." But the big doofus didnt bother to ask me if he was doing it for me. Big doodoo head. Ah well, I'll get my chance. He has read the first two chapters of HNHN and will be doing chapter 3 (affection! HAHAHAH) this week. Fingers crossed that it will make an impression. Maybe he will realize that I have not initiated sex in almost a week. Maybe he will do the math and put two and two together. Please, God. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I have now lost a total of 26 pounds. Im at my lowest weight in 9 years. I actually ran for the first time EVER last week. Had to stop because my husband asked me to slow it down. He is afraid Im going to hurt myself. I think I will try again when I hit 195 (my goal for May 30th!)

I think April is my sad month. Im looking forward to May.

J, please tell me how you are doing. I could not find your thread.

J,
I just weighed in today. I have lost a total of 28 pounds now! Lowest weight in 9 years!!!
Today i actually bought a pair of workout pants in size XL- and I could get them on! Too tight to wear in public, but looks like just another ten pounsd and I'll be good to go!

Mojo -

I decided to have my thread removed, since the things that I'm going through really shouldn't be aired in public, and they had just become a journal anyway. There have been very bad things in the last few weeks. Probably the most significant was her attempt to find a way to have power over me through the baby. I let her do it, but in the end, I also learned that no matter what she does, she doesn't have power over me. My actions and reactions are mine alone. I can choose to be a good person with them (and did). I could make other choices as well, and choose not to. This makes me feel good both emotionally and morally, though it hurts like hell in other ways.

On the good side, the whole mess is now public knowledge to both sides of our family. I sincerely wish that her parents had simply told her that affairs are evil and to end it, and that a commitment to a marriage doesn't end just because you don't feel like doing it today. But her mom is a psychologist and that's not the way they work. "You have to be true to yourself, dear," is very much a part of her makeup. As is "I just don't know how all this will work out."

Needless to say, I find that frustrating. Hello? Your daughter is having an affair and destroying her marriage, and threatening the stable family that your granddaughter ought to have. And you still feel this way? HUH?

*sigh* Okay, enough raving.

There are other good things, too. She finally told me a bunch of the things that I was doing that were stressing her out, and asked me to stop doing them. And she told me good things that I can continue to do. That's also a good thing.

I would do these things even without the implied threat of her leaving. I really don't like being threatened.

And we're going to go into a mediation to put together a co-parenting agreement that will include both us being together and us being separate. There are good things there, and bad ones as well.

*sigh* What a mess this all is.

(((J)))
Yes, its a mess, and I am truly sorry you are having to experience it.
I love that you realize you are in control. I just figured that out two days ago. I am finding myself not so sad and more willing to be patient.
Bad about your mother-in-law... doesnt sound like that was very helpful at all. My parents want me to divorce my husband. This after my father had an affair and my mother forgave him and stayed. However- they didnt work on rebuilding anything and are in a state of denial themselves. I get pretty ticked when I see this type of hypocrisy.
Im very pelased that you will ahve the co-parenting agreement. How is your adoption going?

Hi Moj,

Thought I'd peak in on your thread. I don't have much time. I'm at work and break is almost over.

Wanted to say Hi, and thanks for your encouragement. H has been good lately. Trying to decide if he is being good to be good, or if he wants something, (past experience has always been he wants something, so this must be a doozey, he has been good for a while, not just a couple fo days)

Sue, I check on your thread almost every day.

I am happy to report that after several sad days, I finally had a good day. It started out sad, with me fussing about hubby, but then later I got to spend time with him and he actually spent time talking to me. Then later, I just couldnt hold in my annoyance with him and I was able to vent in a constructive way (promise) and in a non-threatening manner. And he listened.

I am actually again reconsidering enlisting in the Navy next year- soemthing I was too terrified to do just a few days ago. Im feeling very strong today, now.
We are both learning. I am still hopeful. I have no intentions of leaving him, but I also no longer feel the need to beg him to stay if he wanted to go. What a dramatic change.

I may have just had a lightbulb moment or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Please hang in there. If I can get through this, I know you can!!!!