I wanted to comment on one more thing .

YOU opened up with I have my doughts about everythig and have not been able to apply anything.

THAT right there is what I am saying and eveyone else will tell you also .

THE FIRST thing is that !!!! YOU must apply what ever you intend to do , GOT IT?

THIS will go on for way to long , if you don't have that PLAN and stick to it . I know it is not easy but the MOST important .

YOU can not get into a funk and do nothing or let your emotions fly all over the place , go on MED'S if you have to to even out the moods .

EVEN though I have not done it NOW , MY advice to you and anyone with contact ongoing to this degree is if your having a hard time applying anything then get him OUT (PLAN A with him gone )

HAVING the A out of your FACE will help you to even out the moods and if you go off on a rage it won't be infront of him so there is not so much ground to cover by sliding back down the hill .

UNDERSTAND .ALL he will see is you moving forward and knowing you love him , but will not except anything less then you being the one and ONLY , in his life .

HE will see someone who will not settle , who has principals and the OW as a desparate person who will take anything . (selfish) HE will also when FOG lifts see himself like that to and make a decision of what kind of man he wants to be .

GOT to JET !!!!!!

Lisa...even over email you can feel you pain. Have you thought about printing out this thread for your H and sitting there with him until he reads it? In the beginning I would hand my H stuff to read and he'd say ok he'd get to it later..I got wise to that trick and would stand there while/until he read it. You have to be strong in the beginning...once fog starts lifting he can do his part but now...he's insane...you have to be the sane one.

The Harley's take credit cards...don't know if that helps or not.

You have to act on something...if not for your sake then your kids...they deserve better then this...you can't possibly be hiding all this pain from them....they can't be missing entirely what's going on between you and their dad. Are any of them asking questions? If so what are you telling them, what is your H telling them?

Have you been on the Recovery or General Discussion Boards? They get a lot of traffic and lots of very wise folks post there. Might want to consider starting a thread on one of those boards.

Do you have any specific questions for us that we can answer to help you start at least a basic plan...I well know the inertia that panic and constant fear can instill. For me the final turning point was when I went to bed and didn't get out for a couple of days...I gave up...couldn't decide whether to stay or go..neither option worked for me. Basically I had a mental breakdown. It ended up being best thing that could have happened.

It forced my H to be the strong one and to step in and take over. It scared the crap out of him seeing his strong, beautiful, intelligent, spirted wife...lay down and give up. By that time I was also down to about 100 lbs. He didn't want to be responsible for breaking me...he had already been working hard at recovery but not to his full potential...he made a decision over those couple of days, that he was going to save us and he did.

He called my IC, she got me into a psychiatrist right away...he put me on Zoloft for depression/anxiety/obesssion and gave me short term tranquilzers to help me until the Zoloft kicked in. He called my mom to come stay with the kids and took me away to a beautiful resort. There he opened up rest of way to me, made sure I took my medicine, got me to sleep, make love to me, talked to me....everything that I needed to come back to him and to life.

When we got back from that trip it was last turning point...we haven't looked back since. We are doing great!! It's all possible but you have to have boundaries, a jointly agreed to plan and you both have to work your butts off.

You have to do what you have to do to wake him up enough to get him out of the fog enough to start the recovery process...even if it means kicking him out for awhile.

Keep talking to us...we're here for you!

Lisa,

One of the best things I ever did for my M and for my H during his A was confront the OW. It totally screwed up the whole fantasy vibe they had going on... all of a sudden it was real for the both of them. It wasn't a dirty, exciting taboo little secret anymore. The fact that your H's OW is an exotic dancer may also contribute to that whole fantasy appeal. But fog does lift in layers.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting, but I have to tell you that everyone here at MB is fabulous. I've been active in this forum twice under different screen names and I've always gotten perspectives I needed to help my M as well as myself... something that is so hard to do when you're suffering.