Hi, I am a new member and I am glad I found this place and hope I can at least find a place to talk to somebody about the pain and maybe at least heal myself. I'M in a 25 year marriage. First marriage for both of us. My H is a couselor and I cannot go to anybody in his agency, which is the only agency there is to go to around here. His patients come first and he treats them with more love and concern and support than he ever gives me. I feel like a dead weight attached to his side. He began distancing from me several years ago, joining a health club and being gone until bedtime. He didn't want to talk anymore. There is no sex (which doesn't bother me because he always just critisizes me during the act) Plus, I had an accident which fractured my pelvis about the same time H joined the health club. I have developed arthritis in myhip joints which is painful and leaves me with a lot of disability and so it hurts to have sex. I fell and tore my rotator cuff and dislocated a few ribs and my collar bone last summer, further adding to the disability and pain. I can barely walk sometimes, and he finds my disability very unattractive. On top of that, he really needs an attractive mate, but I can't get enough exercise to stay in shape because of the arthritis. To top that off, it was just discovered that my thyroid has ben very low for several years, and this has made it impossible to lose weight by dieting. I have tried very hard, but I cannot keep up with him in his recreational needs anymore, though I love a lot of the same things that he does. I just simply cannot physically do those things now. I am on therapy for the thyroid now, and feel more human, and am beginning to loose some weight. I am determined to be as healty as I can. H just knows I am not what he wants now. At least I feel that, and he sends all kinds of non-verbal signals which say that. His family just thinks I am a fat lazy slob and have no sympathy for what I have been through and H seems to follow their cues. He desperately needs his mother's approval all the time. I think she is a selfish, unloving person, but, Oh well. She never had an ounce of sympathy through my ordeal and neither has H. He would not even bring me a drink of water or food when I couldn't get out of bed. He never tries to touch me and has a repulsed look on his face. He avoids having to spend much time with me and when we do spend time together I do almost all the talking and he doesn't hear half of what I say. For the last year a woman has called me saying they are having an affair. He denies this and I have no way to proove it. He thinks I am lowdown for even considering that he is having an affair, and if I am lowdown enough to believe that he is such a rotten person, then I can just leave. I can't talk to him about what I need from him, he just accuses me of trying to make him feel like a monser, bu telling him I need things he isn't giving me.

Do I believe him, or the woman on the phone? We've been a Christian couple all these years, faithful in the church.

I don't know what to do. I love him, and always have, even when he is mean to me. I am forced to sleep in a separate room now. He says he can't sleep in the same room with me, I breath funy and it keeps him awake. I cray myself to sleep every night. I wish I was dead sometimes.

How can I meet my husband's strong need for an attractive spouse when I face such odds? Is there no place in this Marriage Building program for the spouse to be loving and accepting when the other spouse faces disability which eliminates the ability of his spouse to fulfil one of his needs? Is the Marriage simply over in this situation?

I need help here. I don't know what to do. I don't know how I can find out if he is having an affair. I can't just leave. I have no place to go, no family, I have no access to his finances, I do not use his bank, I have no access to cash to get help any other way than here. Please? Anybody?

This is not a joke. I am serious.

Well, AS is only ONE need. Usually one need alone is not a deal-breaker, though it can be in the case of SF or if it is the #1 most important EN. Secondly, AS is more about what you do with what you have than what you have.

Thirdly, Have you tried glucosamine-containing products for your arthritis? They take anywhere from one to two months to take full effect, but they do help most people. One of the best I have found is called "Flexanol" - you can probably find it by doing a web search. In addition, consider the flax seed oil/yougurt (or cottage cheese) combination you can read about here: Budwig . It tastes disgusting (with enough fruit and honey in it, it's OK) but it reduced my arthritis pain by about 80%

actually, I do have family, but he hates them and I have been alienated from them for 25 years and my mother is dead.

Hello,
I honestly can't say I have much advice for you hon because my situation is not the same. I will leave the REAL advice for the "experts" here, but for now I wanted to say that I read your post and my heart went out to you today.

I know from having fibromyalgia (hope I spelled it right, lol, after all these years I STILL get it wrong) that when you are in pain physically, it makes it 10 times worse dealing with anything else.

I agree with the most recent poster, exploring some herbal and natural remedies might help.

Keep reading and keep posting and please don't give up hope! God ALWAYS gives us a brand new day, each day, and there is always hope!

Peace,
D

Thank you John for replying. I know. I do try to make the best of this situation. I mind my own business and keep house. I am still sad and lonely. I pray every night that H will see the changes that need to happen in this relationship. I think he is very unhappy too.

Yes I take Glucosamine. I also take an Rx and have steroidal injections in the joints every 4 months, which allow me to walk again. I have a good doctor who refers me to a good orthopedic doctor. I can't talk to him about the marriage problems. He goes to my church and my husband would be angry and embarrased.

DiamondZZZZ, that is the hope I live on, is that I know that God gives me a new day, and that occasionally, miracles happen. I get awfully weary waiting for that one new day in which my miracle will happen.

I am not foolish enough to think that a miracle shuld happen without my doing anything about the situation if I can. I try, but H is very defensive and combative about remedying the situation. He thinks that this is just the way he is and I shuld either love it or get out.

Hi......

Me again, I have decided that I would say something... I certainly hope that my "advice" is sound, if ANYONE that reads this disagrees with me, please speak up...the last thing I would want to do here is give out wrong "advice" (I really don't like the word advice to begin with)
but here goes......

From the very limited information we have here, I see a pattern of you feeling you have little to no options. You say your H is a counselor, and that revealing your problems to ANYONE (church, your family, even your Dr.) would reflect badly on your H and "embarrass" him? That was the word you used?

Well, I would think the it is time he IS embarrassed if that is what it takes to heal this marriage. If he is doing the things you say he is (and I have no reason to not believe you) then it is about time you came out of the "closet" so to speak and began to "tell". I would think that part of the reason this has been able to go on for so long, is because of the double standard that YOU are allowing by keeping "the secret".

It is about time you told SOMEONE .. and I am so happy that you made a step by even coming here today.

Think about what I am saying and start to consider who you might reach out to and tell. I know it will be a huge step to take. I know you fear a major backlash from him, but, if you want your marriage to survive it is time that the truth be told. IMHO

Peace,
D

I know why you say that. I understand the reasoning. You are probably right. I am very afraid to do this for several reasons. It might save the marriage, but it seems more likely to me that it will end the marriage. It will probably end his job, which will impact us economically, and cause further stress in this marriage and cause me to loose healthcare again. The last reason I am afraid is that in early years of our marriage there was a physical violence which no longer exists and hasn't existed for years, but I am afraid could reappear if he is pushed to this extreme. I love him and I have no where to go. We also have joint custody of 2 grandchildren, who need a very stable environment. I am not sure they can tolerate the upheaval yet again. They are just beginning to feel secure here. They love me and their Paw paw, and need us both.

Lately, DiamondZZZz, I have been thinking a lot about just picking up myself and my things and taking the children and just leaving a note that I'm gone to parts unknown, don't try to follow me. Confrontation with him is an invitation to abuse. I may as well just stand there and say ok, it's time now, call me names and tell me what I feel is stupid and insane, and compare me to your "perfect" mother.

I will think a lot about what you said Diamond. Perhaps it is time to resolve things, while I am still alive to do it. I can't possibly be any more unhappy if I spend the rest of my life alone, than I am alone in this marriage. Can I? I cry myself to sleep every night anyway, and now I cry part of the days too.

I must go for now. I'll be back after I have thought a while.

I thought a little while. I wonder how I should handle the phone calls? The woman never lets me say anything, tells me she has been having an affair with my husband for 3 months (this was a year ago) and hangs up. The latest call was to inform me that she heard that she had heard that my husband was going to be attenting some party that she wasn't going to with him. She wanted him to know that he had better not be meeting somebody else there, because she is his only girl. I know of no parties that he is attending. He is disappearing sometimes, but it doesn't seem like he disappears long enough or at appropriate times to be attending parties. We have a farm, and he is gone out on the place somewhere tending to fences, stock or whatever. I assume he is working when he is gone.

I wanted to tell her that he's only been married to me for 25 years, so apparently she isn't his ONLY girl, and if she thinks she is perfect enough to plese his mother (or him) and she still wants to be his love slave (slave being the operative word) she could feel free to remove him from My home and keep him as long as she likes. About 40 years would be fine.

Except that it wouldn't be fine.

but she hung up.

I was getting a lot of hang-up calls the first time I actually spoke with the woman. I had been out of town and unexpectedly came back a few days early. She called me that day and told me she was having an affair with my husband. I don't have but one friend whom my husband doesn't like, but I refuse to have NO friends. I don't know anybody else, much less why anybody would want to play a prank on me like that. I don't know anybody. The woman called me by name and my husband by name. And told me the date which they began having an affair. The date coincided with a vacation we had taken together away from our kids so we could renew our relationship. That always has helped us in the past. The trip was a disaster. He had stated that he wanted to make some sort of confession to me about something. I aksed him what it was, but he clamed up. I remembered once before that he had confessed that he felt sexually attracted to another woman. That had been a year earlier. He would say nothing. I asked if it had to do with that woman and he refused to say anything more the whole trip. I wanted to know who she was. He would say nothing and there was virtually no relationship after that trip. As soon as he came home, he joined the health club and stayed gone all the time. It has gone on like this ever since. I get hang-up calls and then the woman called about the party just the other day. He always acts surprised. Am I stupid or what? He makes me feel so stupid for mistrusting him. If I cry because of a phone call, he gets mad at me and says all kind of mean things to me.

Am I crazy to suspect him? Do I have a right to expect him to reassure me or prove that nothing is going on?

It was at about this time when we both had read the book "Marriage Builders" I think it was before the trip. Anyway, we decided to use this book to help our marriage. For a while we were doing ok. We had a closeness that we never had before and it was wonderful. We were best friends and in love, determined to work together to make this work. I had told him when our youngest was about 12 that I was unhappy with the way things are and things need to change by the time the child graduated high school , or I was not going to stay. During that time we did make a lot of changes. This was when he had confessed his attraction for another woman. I didn't say anything after that. He said he was sorry and that he wanted only me. We were partners for life. I felt a contentment and fulfillment and love that I had never felt and needed all my life. I lay down and thanked God every night that my husband was finally my friend and he loved me seemed to be happy with me. Somehow things went awry. His mother thought I was "running his life" and he was being "dominated" by me. She was unhappy about how our relationship. (Question: how does this become her problem or business?) He was after all supposed to be the man and make all the decisions and dominate me. He's not doing anything her husband didn't do, it's "normal." There was an intense period where he we didn't know what we should do. I told him he had to choose, but I understood how he would never have peace from his mother. I let her win, for his sake. Since in her words, I have "such a dominating personality." Now I think I have lost him. I wonder if he was counting on me to set his mom straight and cut him loose from her. But how can I do that if I am never premitted to speak harshly or disrespectfully to her. I may only mildly disagree with her about things that don't matter much.

I digress.

We read the book and it did help for a while. then all this........

I have printed a lot of material here that I feel pertinant to our relationship (not the message boards. He never has time to talk to me, and so far he hasn't had time to read the material either.

Maybe he just gave up caring?

I wish some guy out there could give me a male perspective on this. If you were acting this way, is it likely that you are having an afair?

I am probably just deluding myself, as I always do. I am so confused. He is supposed to be an authority on psychological matters, and he tells me I am crazy. But every friend I have been albe to make, for a brief while, and the one friend I have always had, every counselor I have ben able to get to see, all tell me that I really have a very bad relationship and I ought to get a divorce.

But I don't believe in divorce. God hates Divorce. My frind and my one sister who will speak to me, refuse to discuss this with me any more. They say that they have already told me that he is no good for me and that if they were me thay would have been gone a long time ago.

They don't understand that I tried to leave a long time ago. Every time I left, he threatened me and my famiy or he just kept coming over and begging me and promising me he loved me and would be better. He wouldn't let me stay gone when I was gone. He got the preacher to come visit me last time I was gone and begged me to come back. The Preacher promised me I would go to Hell for acting this way.

Oh well. It helps to just talk about it.

Thanks for reading, Thanks for the replies, John and DiamondZZZZ

Bye

I will pray for you and I really hope that you have other people post here for you too, it would be good if someone that has more experience with this would talk to you.
Keep posting and venting as you need to though, I think it DOES help.

Peace
d

It does help just to vent. I'm sorry that my spelling is so bad. Honestly, I do know how to spell, but I am a poor typist. When I am passionately typing away, it gets worse.

If I could just be sure. If I could just prove that this woman is telling me the truth. My gut says that all the right elements are there for it to be true, but my head tells me that my husband is so totally opposed to this kind of behavior in others, judgmental even, I have a hard time believing that he would practice a behavior which he vocally expresses so much revulsion for. It is not totally out opf the question, for I have found other areas in his life where he condemns a behavior in others but prqactices the same. Sometimes I think he is spouting words that he firmly thinks he OUGHT to believe, yet cannot conform to in his heart, and refuses to acknowledge that. He is HUMAN, by golly!

If I had solid evidence to confront him with I think he would own his behavior (if it is his behavior) and then we could build. for now, he thinks he has me snowed and the rest of the world too. Just like our early marriage. The girls thought I had such a sweetheart of a guy. They didn't know all the names he called me and the black and blue days I when "i fell" and broke bones and got concussions. He didn't own that behavior until he was arrested for it and I left him and promised that I'd never come back. when I did come back it was with the stipulation that if he EVER raised a hand to me again, I would be so gone he'd never know I was there to begin with. He never hit me again.