To the point, if I do prove to myself beyond a shadow of doubt and have evidence I can confront him with, I will most likely get out, at least until I know beyond a shadow of doubt that things have RADICALLY changed with him. I'm talking some BIG changes there.

My family just this year (the one I grew up in) have been making strides towad each other. Even my dad has stopped drinking and fixed up his place and invited us all to come for Thanksgiving. the first time we had all seen each other since Mom died. It was so good to see everybody, and my land, how many kids we all have and grandkids even. We are renuing our relationships. It is slow going and comes with some scary feelings and memories. But it feels like a hole in my heart is being filled. I fully intend to keep cultivating my relationship with my brothers and sisters, and H can like it or lump it.

There are footprints on my mailbox from whomever kicked it over the other night. Do you think that if I called the police they would come and try find out who did it? Maybe this is the person who is harassing me on the phone. I took some pictures of my own with a ruler in the picture to show scale. I am going to email them to my one friend for her to keep a copy, in case something happens to my computer and camera.

I was under the impression that a mailbox is property of the federal post office, and tampering with one is a federal offense.

HEY! come to think of it, there were letters to be mailed out in that box. There was a letter to my older sister, a card to my grandkids who live in another state and probably things my H mailed. He asked me if I wanted him to mail my letters for me when he saw that I had letters on my desk ready to mail, he was on his way out the door. I am not sure what became of the letters that were in there. I am going to ask him what mail he had in that box with mine and check the bill statments when they come in. If he says that he had bills in there, and they get paid anyway.....hmmmmmmm.

His checkbook sits on his desk all the time too. He always has ATM withdrawls though,and I don't know what he spends that money on. I will know if he wrote 2 checks to pay one bill though. I don't know how much money he makes though, so I don't know if there is money he can't account for. Plus, he gets an expense check for driving and such.

(sigh) I'm glad I took pictures of the footprints on my mailbox. Neither the post office nor the sherrif's dept. seem too impressed about it.

Oh well. I told them that a womanhas been calling me, that it could be a client who means harm to us. That didn't seem to get mush interest, except that the post mistress said that everybody knows the (H's family name here) and she was just certain that he wasn't having an affair so it surely has to be a client, but she knows nothing about our marriage. Just a name of a family whom everybody admires in town.

osh. Now I'm depressed.

The Sherriff deputy came to see about the mailbox today. My H was anxious and asked me if I "didn't tell him about the woman story" did I? Several people are trying to convince me that this has to be a client, even the deputy. He gave me an 800 number to call him if anything really threatening happens around here. H is not here now. He said he is going down to lie on his hammock in the woods behind our house. I'm afraid to go out there at night. There is a mountain lion which frequents our land and our woods.

I read thru your story and although I don't have any good advice I wanted to say I feel for you. Your H is not being good to you. He is being emotionally manipulative to the hilt.

Does he take a cell phone with him when he goes down to lay on the hammock?

Well, from where I sit it looks like the physical abuse may have stopped, but the abuse dynamics continue. Spouse abuse is about issues of power and control. The abusing partner seeks to isolate their spouse from others. They demean the individual. They use their anger and rage to get their way. If they feel like they're no longer gaining control that way, they will go through a "honeymoon" phase to try and "woo" the partner back under their control. Once that occurs, the abuse starts all over again. Just my opinion, but you might want to check into some literature on domestic violence or see if there's a women's shelter program nearby that would offer you some support.

It sounds like you're in a very difficult position what with your health problems. As far as God not liking divorce, well adultry is grounds for divorce in the Bible. I'm not saying that you should make that choice, but that I question a minister/pastor that would threaten Hell under these circumstances. I know that you have no "proof" that your husband has been having an affair. But he certainly has turned his love and attention away from you for some time. He seems "married" to the pursuit of self-pleasure.

Just my opinion. Bless you and those grandkids!!

He does not have a cell phone. I waited and watched the road for cars, since our mailbox keeps getting abused. There is a hill in front of the house and it is cut down in the middle where the road goes through the hill. This is the opposite from where the woods are. A car stopped in that spot in the road where the hill is cut down last night. I went out with the flashlight and flashed it around. My MIL also saw the car stop and she got in her vehicle and started down the road, but the car took off before she got to it. She said it was a red 2 door something. As I was shining my light around the place H showed up around the corner of the shed as if coming from the woods behind the house. It is very dark here at night. No cities nearby and the moon wasn't up yet. I didn't see him at all until he was at the corner of the shed. The dog saw him and barked, but recognized him quickly. However, the dog carried on quite a bit last night, which is not common for him, and my MIL said her dog did too, which is even more uncommon. MIL lives a quarter mile down the road in sight of us.

This evening H took me for a ride like we used totaake in the old days. We discussed why I feel that he is distant from him. He said that he thinks it is I who has changed and he is lonely all the time and thinks that I am the one who never wants to talk to him. He explains the reason he doesn't wans SF is because he is having problems and feels that he isn't able to accomplish it. He asks me why he would have an A if he isn't able to accomplish the act. I feel that his problem with accomplishing SF is because he doesn't find me attractive. I don't know. I do know that I really dread that kind of intimacy with him, because half of the time it ends up being a grand opportunity for him to express his unhappiness about my appearance. I end up feeling ashamed, less than a woman, un-loved and un-lovely. I have to admit that I have pushed him away sometimes. I don't ever allow him to see me with no clothes. He thought I was fat when I was at my ideal weight, according to my doctor. He must really find me repulsive now that I am actually overweight. He verbally confirms this when he is angry. When he is not angry, his eyes tell it all. I always know before he tells me anything, because his eyes are not good at hiding his emotion. I alwaays knew when he was working up a rage enough to hit me. It was as if a wild animal posessed him and it looked at me through his eyes.

just checking in today. I woke up with an anxiety attack again. I'm shaky, feeling panicked, and close to tearful, but not crying. Mostly my head is just spinning.

I have been spending time with my H talking. He listens, but he thinks that I am the person who has withdrawn from him and doesn't do anything with him anymore. He refuses to understand that I can't do lots of things he likes to do now. He feels driven to do what he does, and mostly what he does is work. He works all day and works all evening, and he has no self esteem unless he does. If he tries to take any time to play or just loaf around it gets sullen and angry. I used to go out and work with him when he was home. We own farmland and it needs tended. His recent activities are rebuilding fences and prying the rocks off the hillside and hauling them in the pickup to deposit in the waterways so as to protect the stream sides. Everything he does is hard work. Work fit for a strong man. Work my doctor has told me to refuse to be doing.

This is a major dispute with H and I. This is the time we spent together and were able to enjoy companionship. What am I to do now? He says he feels that I don't love him anymore becuse I don't ever want to go out and spend any time with him anymore. He doesn't take "I can't" for an answer.

I don't know what to do. Many people here and trying to debunk the thought that the woman on the phone is a real threat. The census around here seems to be that it is possibly a client, but maybe an old enemy of my H who always has tried to cause trouble for him. Another theory is that it is an old girl of his who wants to run me off so she can move in. I can believe that of this one particular woman. Or that it is somebody in town who is jealous because we inherited land which they had assumed that they would be buying because of favors they did for our dyeing relative, and didn't. When they didn't they turned half the town against the family. MIL thinks this is who it is. She thinks they just want to cause trouble and maybe if we split up the land will be sold.

MIL often knows a lot more than she tells too. The way she says somethings says a lot. I have a feeling that she knows more about these people who thought to buy the land than she says. H probably does too. They are probably trying to keep me from worrying about it. It would be like them.

H seems hurt that I would distrust him so much that I would even consider he is having an A. When I talk to him about it, he gets more withdrawn and the look in his eyes appears that he is injured. I feel that the way he has treated me all these years, he really needs to earn my trust again.

I have rethought my former statment abut my gut telling me that H is having an A. I have explored my feelings on that and have decided that I stated it backward. My gut feels like he is not having an affair, but my head is telling me that all of the elements are there. My gut is scared and just hoping that it is right, while my head thinks about all of this.

When all of this began happening, my H blamed my one friend for doing the calling. I don't think she did it. But I don't rule out that she did. (in the back of my mind the woman's voice seems familiar, but it is really a far fetched idea to me) We had a fight about it at the time, my friend and I. We had a (sort of) fight right before it happened too. I had been at her house when I came home and the woman called me as soon as I was home. I left on bad terms from her house. She was having some marital problems that she discussed with me and I was there mainly to just listen and give emotional support while her H was out of town doing National Gaurd things. She seemed angry with me later or something. I had also gone there because I had spent all of my time alone with the little grandkids for so long, I was very sad. H was going to the health club every night and never spending any time with me at all, not even speaking to me when I came in. I had been begging him to take a littel weekend trip with me, because I needed to get away. I was going banannas alone all the time with 2 little kids, 2 handicapped little kids whom I was having a hard time adjusting to having, because I hadn't counted on having kids (my own kids were grown up.) I dropped out of nursing school to take care of them. My life was a shambles. My friend offered that I could come visit her for a little while and she'd watch the kids so I could go swimming or something away from the kids. My H doesn't like my friend very much but he didn't make any arguments when I asked if he minded that I went there. She had taken care of the kids when H and I took out trip together which was a disaster several months before then. My H said I should not take any of her marital advice, as this is her 4th marriage. She has trouble sticking through some of the stuff that happens after you have been married for a while. Instead of working through it, she just gets out. (except for one marriage, which she was justified in leaving) Anyway, I told her that I thought the problems that she was having (boredom mainly) were just that they had been together a while and needed to make a little effort to re-engage and keep each other excited with their marriage. I don't know if she appreciated it or not, but she asked. Her marriage is nothing like mine. She thinks I ought to have gotten out of mine a long time ago. She doesn't know why I kept putting up with it long enough to get past the worst of it.

Anyway, my friend was having problems. I was feeling pretty uncomfortable there so I left before she was expecting me to leave. Frankly, she really didn't speak to me very much while I was there, outside that one conversation and I felt that I was in the way. The only similarity to that time and this time for her is that her H is away again (in the military.) She is justifiably worried about him, and their marriage problems were solved before he left. I hope and pray for her that he comes back to her as soon as he can. She is being fairly cool to me these days though. But she's had a really bad year. She tends to push people away when she is having trouble and unhappy. I think my H does that too. Perhaps this is why I am attracted to both of them. LOL

attracted to both of them that is because they are alike in many ways. She is also manipulative. but I'm able most of the time to spot it these days and I don't get manipulated by her. Maybe that is why she's cool to me these days too. I don't want to play the games. I play enugh games with my H to keep me busy.

I'm back, because this is the only place I can just talk freely and get it out of me, right now. I'm sorry, but if you feel I am trying to drag you into an emotional trap then feel free to quit reading and don't reply.

Well, here goes. I saw the doctor today. We did the normal checkup about the arthritis and the thyroid. Then I did it. I told him about everything. I told him how I have anxiety attacks and can't sleep and feel so scared all the time. He says I need to stop putting off dealing with all the problems and finally decide what to do. He wants me to go see a pshychologist and he found me one in a town where my H's agency isn't involved which he thinks is a good one. I told him that my H controls all the money and I don't know if he will give me money to go there, but my insurance does cover pshychiatric treatment to an extent. He says it is not right for him to treat me as he does and I need to decide if I believe him or the woman on the phone and all the other stuff. I think my H is drinking now. Sometimes I wonder if my OW is a bottle, but bottles can't use the phone. He will be calling me as soon as he gets the appointment made for me. I asked what I will do if he won't let me go, and he said at that point I'll have to decide what I ought to do about it. It's hard to decide to do something you ought to do that costs money when you haven't any money.

So, I have to tell H now that I am going to this appointment and why. I am so scared. What if he yells at me and calls me names, or worse, if he calls his mother to tell her and then my kids what a stupid crazy person I am? I just want to bury my head under my covers and cry until the world goes away. I've often thought that I should just make me go away from the world and that would solve everything, and I wouldn't hurt anymore. What do I do if he gets so mad that he hits me or worse?

I got that appointment. My MIL came by a while ago, she knew I went to the doctor. I thought I may as well tell her that I am going to the psychologist. I didn't tell her what exactly I needed to go there about. she may as well hear it from me than to hear from H how His crazy wife is going to ruin his life and cost him a bunch of money again.

Hi,
I still come back and read MB post from time to time, but I rarely post anymore.

I am not sure why you stopped? Was someone rude to you? Sorry if that is the case. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyway, I am very happy to hear you followed through on your plan to talk to your Dr. Good for you!! Wow .. that took REAL courage...

I am sure now that you have made this step, each step from here on in will get easier to make. It probably doesn't seem like it right now, but it will, you'll see.

I KNOW you fear your husband's wrath but that is EXACTLY why you have to do this. If you are THAT afraid of his reaction, this tells me that something is terribly wrong in the relationship. But I am sure you know this yourself.

Everyone deserves to be whole and healthy and happy. If your husband reacts in anger as you describe when he learns that you need to see someone .. then he is definitely not acting as a husband should. His reaction should be anything but that!!

Stay strong for YOU .. and for your kids and grandkids. Keep walking, keep pressing in for your answers. Don't give up.

And please keep venting here ok? It does help.
Remember too, not everyone will post to your posts, but there are MANY that can relate to your situation in one way or another. You are not alone even though you think this is not happening to ANYONE else in the whole world. The more you read at MB, the more realize that it is more common than you think.

Don't let one negative "voice" here color your feeling about MB .. we are all basically here to heal our marriages so keep "talking".

Peace
D

Diamond, yours is the lone voice of support for me right now. I have attempted to discuss with my one friend, but she is not in a position to take on any other trouble right now, so I let it go withher. She's having significant stress of her own to deal with right now. I did write a letter to my older sister today and told her what is happening. I hope this does not make her quit writing to me. I needed to talk to somebody close to me. We are having a fmily reunion May 18th. I plan to go, and I want to see if I can have a talk with my dad while I am there. Dad has been making big strides toward being ok himself lately. I'm proud of him. It's been about 27 years since mom died, and he was in a black hole for most of these years. He's fixing up his house and inviting us kids to visit him. I once visited him before and tried to talk to him for several hours while he said not a word to me. I drove 4 hours to his house to see him after not seeing him for at least 5 years, and see didn't even have anything to say. But things are different these past couple of years. I don't know if he will listen but I need him to listen. He doesn't have to fix it for me. But I'd like him to know and care. Dad doesn't really know much about my life these 26 years, come May 26th, when I left his house to get married. He didn't even come to the wedding. (black hole)

Anyway, what I started out to say Diamond, was that I sure appreciate your taking the time to reply now and then. I think you have given me some good advice and the last time I did talk to my friend she said she thought so also, and didn't know why I didn't take the same when she "told me so." The fact is, that I probably wouldn't have spoken to the doctor about it, if I hadn't come here.

Now I am worried that the doctor thinks I am crazy too though. He knows H and MIL a lot better than he knows me. In fact he plays golf with MIL and another family member sometimes. He gave me some Effexor and told me to come back in 3 weeks. He seemed to believe me though. He probably knows things about MIL and family that I don't know too. Maybe he knows about some problems they had that nobody else in town knows. Maybe. He knew FIL. Knowing him would tell the doc a lot. I find out more every day. The Deputy told me that he wouldn't be surprised if it had been FIL's mailbox, for he had a habit of provoking anger in other people on a regular basis.

Ok, I just checked back to see if you wrote ..
Don't second guess yourself about the Dr. He hears A LOT of stuff, on a daily basis, you would be surprised what he hears.
He has no reason to doubt you. And it doesn't matter if he does or not. What matters is the TRUTH and you are getting to the bottom of that ..
That is all that matters ok?
Be kind to yourself and I am proud of you!!! I know it must be hard to reach out, but you are doing that very thing!

It can only get better.

Keep talking.

Peace,
D

I told him about the appointment and he is mad. He says there is no way we can afford that. the copay on the insurance is higher for mental health.

He also said that if Effexor isn't on the formulary, we can't afford that either.

I am so scared. He wants me to cancel the appointment. If I defy him, I'm afraid of what he will do, and I know he won't give me the money and they won't see me with no money.

What can I do now? I am so scared. I can't handle this.

Ok, take a deep breath. This might not be easy but think this through. I cannot tell you "what" to do in this case, as I am not right there in your community, but you HAVE to keep knocking on doors and you HAVE to keep pressing on.

You are afraid of him? Why? Because you fear he will do what? Tell me .. do you fear for your life?
If so, PLEASE I am begging you, go to a women's shelter immediately.

If you are afraid of him emotionally .. then it is DEFINATELY time that you break that hold he has on you by seeking help. You did the right thing today by telling the Dr. Don't stop there, INSIST on going to counsel.

My first thought was for you to call that Dr. you saw today, and tell him EXACTLY what your husband said. Perhaps you could ask the Dr. to speak to your husband and tell HIM why he suggests the A.D.
and the counseling.

Time for you to get tough .. in my opinion. This is NOT the time to be afraid of this man!

You need to make some choices here hon. Do you want to remain afraid, alone and powerless? Or do you want help?

IF you want help -then reach out, and keep reaching out until SOMEONE listens. I can not guarantee that the Dr. will be favourable, but I do know that somewhere, someone in your community, will listen. But YOU have to make that choice of how far you will take it.

I find in unbelievable that a husband would "not have the money" to get the medication that a Dr. has prescribed for her, or let her seek counsel.
He is NOT taking you serious.

I know that God is on your side hon and He is in your court. You have to keep praying and seeking Him and keep walking on.

I know you are afraid but use that emotion to rise up and get free of this man. At least the way he is now. In time, if you BOTH get some help there can be restoration. But for now, with all these unanswered questions, there is just too many toxic things happening between you. At the VERY least, you need a mediator to help you two communicate. Someone that you BOTH trust.

Even if you are wrong in your suspicions, you are NOT wrong to seek help or to take the medication that your DR. prescribed .. He has no right to withhold that from you.

I hope I have not overstepped my boundary here by saying these things..

I am listening .. please keep talking ..

Peace
D