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Hmm... She's really up in arms. Since I haven't been there thru your M it's hard for me to give advice. I don't know how you treated her after the discovery of this most recent slip up you had. Did you lapse back into being withdraw right away?
Unfortunately for you, regardless of whether or not she is in an A, there is a good chance she will get custody of the children if she doesn't do anything stupid. (like move in with OM and leave the kids with you. then you would be likely to get custody. i've heard of that happening.)
My gut instinct would be to back off some. Don't return her anger and nastiness. Keep acknoledging the fact you've hurt her, and never want to hurt her like that again.
My H's good friend lost his HS sweetheart wife and two beautiful daughters to his wifes Karate instructor. He's never been the same being a weekend dad. Don't let that be you!!! Dig down deep, find a way to remind her of why you two should be together.
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Thanks for the advice. She knows I saw a lawyer today. She is EXTREMELY hateful towards me now and I can't control it. I'm not being as angry back so she just keeps trying harder to get to me. It's working. I'm more scared than ever. I don't know this woman. At this point I think she'll use anything against me. She's hiding one of my guns now because she says she doesn't know what I'll do. It's a ploy.
I'm afraid there's no plan left to save my marriage. God why can't she see what she's doing? Why is she so hateful to me all of a sudden??? I did call her a nasty name the other day which didn't help...but damn..why so harsh? Why so hateful?
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seacoast:
Just realize you can't control her ever, and you shouldn't want to try. It sounds like she's angry and blame shifting because she's either having an A again, or tweaked that you flipped so fast from starting another one of your own by stopping it cold. What's good for the goose...?
Plan A!!! You don't get to do plan B until you've done a good plan A. She will be angry, seemingly hateful, obviously illogical. ALL WSs do this to some degree! They also try to bait you into an argument so they can justify their own bad behavior and choices. DON'T LET HER, but stay out of them by being loving and upbeat. It's really hard, particularly this soon out of the gate, but it's absolutely necessary.
All my best, -Qfwfq
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Thanks Q......
After the huge blow-out yesterday..umm that was HER blowing up not me...She went out for a couple drinks and I took my girls shopping. We came back home at about the same time and she was more calm..more logical. I remained calm and it ticked her off even more during the blow-out.
If there is any discussion at all she keeps reminding me (and herself) of all of my shortcomings and how she is "so done" with all of it and she knows for sure it's over and that she cannot do it anymore or again.
She has me believing again that she's doing nothing more than talking to the "OM" on the phone and very little at work now since everything happened. I guess I'm going to have to believe this in order for me to survive Plan A. At this point, at least today, I believe her.
God I love this woman sooo much!!!
She's taking the kids to her sisters for Easter. I'm not invited and I told her the only reason I'm not going is for her...(on someone else's advise here).
My kids are off from school this week. My girls will be spending a few days at their grandmother's house. Wife's birthday is Monday. Any ideas or suggestions on what I should do? Gift? Card? Flowers? Help!!!!
Thank you!
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Just maybe by staying calm during her emotional outburst...left her feeling rather silly. I tried to find the link which talks about how to do a 180...but was unsuccessful. I'm going to post a request on here and see if someone can come up with it. It was in someone's byline here, but for the life of me...in my old age...I can't remember whose.
Sorry you're still not going to the Easter dinner with your family. Since not...how about having an Easter egg dye party at home tonight with your children?????
As for W's birthday...what would you normally do? Don't go overboard, no mushy card, no expensive gift. But do not ignore it. Keep it nice and loving...spend some time and thought into whatever you get her. Don't just buy the first thing in the store you walk by. Since I haven't a clue as to what she is interested in...I can't offer advise...you know her...you should know what she would appreciate!!!!
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Well...I haven't bought her any jewelry in a long long time. I could find an inexpensive bracelet or necklace or is that too much? My wife is very very simple. She does not need expensive gifts to be happy(one of the things I love about her). She is not materialistic at all. Possibly having some flowers or balloons delivered to our home might be a good idea? What kind of card? I will usually get a card that says how special she is to me and what a great mom she is. Would that be too much?
Thanks!!!!
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BTW...
With all of my desperation...some of you may have forgotten that I was the one who broke her trust with the hidden cell phone and calling girls from online. Please keep that in mind when advising me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
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The card sounds about right. If she's not into material things...how about something that would save her time? Maybe a gift of maid service, or carpet cleaning? Or if that's not personal enough, one of a "day at the spa"...all women love that one??? Or...even both, one to be given (maid service) on the day she pampers herself...even if this means...you're the one at home watching the maids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !
I'd be careful about inexpensive jewelry, that could leave the wrong impression. Especially, if you haven't gotten jewelry in a long time. Save that for later...when things are better...then get her an expensive jewelry gift such as an anniversary ring on your next one?
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ARGHHH!!! I got her a card and tulips for Easter and a birthday card for monday. Both cards express my love...just can't resist that.
It's amazing that after 17 years of marriage...there is sooo much to learn.....at least for ME there is!
It's gonna be a lonnngggg day tomorrow without everyone here. I'll keep you informed.
Are there any hotlines available for this sort of thing?
BFN <small>[ April 19, 2003, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: SeaCoast ]</small>
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Put yourself in her shoes for a moment Seacoast.
Think of how you treated her during your "selfish time", when you continued to do what you promised her you wouldn't. Would you trust yourself?? (I hope I'm making sense, I'm really tired.) It is going to take work, A LOT OF IT, on your part if you want trust back. It will take you turning over all your passwords and allowing her free access to your cell phone and cell phone bills. Keeping NOTHING secret.
I'm not even sure she will go for that... She seems to be pretty angry.
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At this point...i don't think any of that matters.
To her I mean...it's just like she doesn't care even a minute amount what I do or say. Her mind is made up and she's "never been more sure of anything in her life".
Bought some nice tulips for her today...left them on the counter. No comment from her at all...but then again...i didn't really expect one.
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ARGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Confusion setting in deeper....made love last night. 3rd time since D-Day. Everytime we do, wife says "we have to stop doing this" because it gives me [false] hope. I told her I will always have hope no matter what until everything is said and done.
Talked more about what new living arrangements will be and how we will handle the children...she's being more reasonible than I thought. We're talking about a 3-4-4-3 day schedule. Kids with me for 3 days..then with wife 4 days...me 4 days...wife 3 days and so on. This will work for both of us if it gets to this point. I'm hoping and praying it won't.
But the fact remains.....I simply cannot lose her.
Plan A going strong now. I had a few "slip-ups" since I started the Plan A on 4-17...vowed to myself not to let that happen again. We're both so tired of arguing and reliving everything over and over.
She is willing to move out of the house to her OWN apt. but I told her I want to keep the house AND keep it in both our names since I can't refinance it in my name alone (not enough income). She's not thrilled with the idea, but I'm thinking that if it does get to the point where she actually gets her own place and I still have the house that's a hope that she will come back and we can start over without having to start EVERYTHING over. Make sense to anyone?
I also told her that if it gets to the point where she is out of the house...I want to wait for the divorce and not rush into it... 1. We can't afford it.... 2. I don't want it!!!
She is still adamant about splitting up. I'm really starting to believe it has more to do with ME than with OM. OM is not completely in the picture...I know she has reduced her conversations with him.
Today is her birthday (38). I got her a nice card...she liked it and actually stood it up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Probably going to get her a massage or something similar at Elizabeth Grady Salon...(nice idea just a wifey 2002
Well I just thought I'd fill you in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I welcome any and all advice or suggestions.
Thank you all!
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It is a confusing time. Your W likely thought that nothing was going to change...but then...you started changine. You're confused because you're getting mixed messages from W (which is much better then only the "go away" message)...BUT...you're not confused about your wanting to rebuild the marriage. It will take a while for your W to even began to believe that you're serious...so don't get discouraged. She's been hurt and she's is NOT going to trust what you say...or even do. It's going to take a good bit of consistent behavior on your part to show her that the changes you are making are going to stick around...if she risks her heart again.
If possible do NOT bring up separating or dividing the kid's time...let her bring up those types of discussions. When and if she does bring them up...be calm and discuss them with respect and kindness and fairness...but separating and divorce isn't what you want...so why bring them up? Let her do this. (Your discussions on this topic have improved...good for you!)
Plan A is HARD! It is a wonderful tool for both to use if you reach an agreement on trying. If both are focusing on the positives and working to become better partners...healing can be reached much sooner. Right now...you're the one doing Plan A...and that's fine...just keep in mind that sharing this plan with her when the time is right might be a very good idea...but not until she is willing to give you that third chance.
Good Luck!
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I guess the confusing part is that there are signs of normalcy: i.e. - making love, some hugging...she lets me touch her without complaining...she gives me this certain look which I can't explain..but before everything started, it would make me feel loved by her...now at times it brings tears to my eyes.
Even with the few signs of normalcy...she still says we are over (in not so few words). She has said again that she loves me and she wants to stop hurting me. But in fact I know I was the one who hurt her.
How can I interpret the normalcy signs? Does it mean she's coming around? Does it mean she's just going along with everything simply to avoid a fight or argument?
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OK..this is the deal...
As some of you may already know, today is my wife's birthday. I told her that I wanted to take her out for dinner. She said no (which is what I expected). Now she is saying she's going out with her friend (female) for a couple hours. This is killing me...i want..er NEED to ask her if she is REALLY going out with her friend or with OM. Is there a safe way to ask this? If there is, I don't know what it is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
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sorry...but the answer is...Not really!
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Listen to wifey. Trust has to begin somewhere. Truth is you don't know but she has said it is with a girlfriend.
Trust is work. I know that you probably have alarms, sirens and a variety of other shrieking, clanging warnings going off in your head...but what if you are wrong.
If she is seeing OM, there is really nothing you could do if you knew besides saying something to piss her off and turn the dinner into a 2 hour ***** session about you.
If she is not, you come out golden or at least a little less tarnished. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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Well...last night came and went. She went out with her "friend" and came home at 9:30 as she promised she would.
She woke me up from the futon...touching me the way she does and asked me to go to bed with her. Felt nice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
She wasn't feeling well (woman thing) and she asked me to hold her because she was shivering really bad. I was blown away by that. She fell asleep in my arms. Someone PLEASE tell me this is a sign!!!!
I THINK she MIGHT be coming around a little bit....HOWEVER...she is still not wearing her rings (i still refuse to take mine off and she knows it) and she hasn't mentioned anything positive about our future...but I can't complain. Last night meant so much to me.
She also said she wants to try dinner at "Olive Garden". I said "with me?". She said "as long as you know there are no strings". This is the first time she has even been willing to go to dinner with me since d-day...and she brought it up. Wierd????? Someone please help me with this one. I'm afraid to read into it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
I got her a gift cert. for a 1-hour full-body massage. She was happy about that and is looking forward to it. She's never had a professional massage before. I sure hope I'm adding to a "love bank" that isn't broken.
We've had 2 solid days with nothing but pleasant talking, some touching, kissing, hugging. Going on the 3rd day now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
OH! I ordered Dr. Harley's "His Needs, Her Needs" on CD yesterday. I'm excited about it. Have any of you had any experience with that book/audio?
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Sounds promising! Consistency is your new byword now. Keep showing her your changes, make sure they are real changes, as a falter now could be very damaging.
Beginning a discussion of spring planting might be in order. Short term goals which are easily met and enjoyable to both.
Have a nice dinner out!
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Thanks!!!!
I'm trying not to get too excited, but I almost can't help it.
I suppose there's a possibility that she's doing all this just to keep from "hurting me more" or just to keep the peace until she moves on. I'm hoping this isn't the case.
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