<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Just look at many suggestions that we have here for you ... have you done it ?. Conseling with MB is the best, I did it.

Remember the premesis of MB is 4 rules of recovery, care (ENs), protect (no LB), time and radical honesty. Since you have a very loving wife and you are willing to work on M but getting distracted by the anger, you could start by filling all questionair and do it with your W. Loosing job is probably the best thing happen to your M ... really !, you could focus and take time to work on M.

-rh-

Randy,

Have you ever been tempted by other relationships outside of your marriage (since being married) before? Are you the type of person to feel like you have a deep yearning inside for something, but you don't know quite what? Do you love to be admired (who doesn't, but I mean REALLY admired)? How would you define what love is in a typical marriage means? Is it a feeling, an emotion, a commitment?

I've been reading your posts and I'm not trying to judge you...just gathering facts. You sound a lot like my FWH. He always felt that love was a deep feeling that always contained a spark. He felt lost and lonely without it with a deep longing for something more than just the good times of raising a young family. He longed to be in the center spotlight with me adoring him while I bathed the kids and got them to bed! He often expressed feeling lonely even when I was with him.

Since confessing to his affairs he has found out that his deep longing to be taken care of by a woman goes back to his childhood. His Mom died when he was 15 and was ill for years. He sort of didn't grow up emotionally because of this. When he felt lonely he went back to acting like a 15 year old....hot for the girls!

He has also found out that his personality tends to be that of a romantic...always longing for something not quite attainable. Just realizing this about himself has been really helpful. It has helped him to step out of his fantasy world and into our marriage with both feet for a change.

Your wife can't make you feel sparks until you make her feel sparks and she can't do that until you want her and only her. You've got to show her every minute of the day how sorry and disappointed in yourself you are. You've got to discuss with her the safeguards that you are willing to put up so this never happens again. She's got to be sure that you want her before she can reach out and show you love.

You might try taking a test to determine your Enneagram type. If you are honest about the test it will help you to understand where you tend to "come from" in most situations. If your wife takes it, you'll understand how to relate better to each other. Just do an internet search on Enneagram for a test...there are many versions. Here's a good one for you to try:

http://www.9energies.info/test/

Our marriage and my husband's individual counselor uses this test and it's very helpful. When you begin to understand each other, you'll begin to remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place.

Another book for you to read that will get your focus back into the marriage is Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Excellent thoughts on why we choose our mates.

Hang in there and go tell your wife you love her and need her desparately. Imagine what a strong woman she must be to stick around with you professing love for another!

Stillwed

Yes, I am what you described, a romantic and one that defines love as a "pang" in my heart when I touch or see the person.

The "pang" is not there with my wife and we lost touch, close to two years ago. It was not her fault for the lost feelings but rather a series of tradgic career moves that impacted my self esteem and my views of how she felt of me.

**************************************************
Will I ever have final closure with this woman who I will never see or talk to in my lifetime???
Some of you will write back and state "let it go" or "how low are you going to get?"

I just wonder if it's a normal response??

I know it won't matter as she really didn't care about me in the end. It is difficult for me to believe that there are people out there that are able to use/abuse and then destroy a person's life without any thought/consequences.

MOST OF YOU IN THE GROUP INCLUDING MY WIFE ARE GOING TO KILL ME......WHAT ABOUT MY WIFE???? WHERE ARE HER THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW/HER FEELINGS????

Part of my main problem is letting go and final closure. The only final closure that I believe I received was the fact that she (slut) wound up with a written warning that is in her personell file and a reputation in the office as a whore who goes after married men.

AS FOR ME.......MY MARRIAGE IS IN SHAMBLES WITH A WIFE THAT LOVED ME VERY MUCH!! WAS IT WORTH IT????

*****************NO!!*************************

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:11 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Randy,

Try the Enneagram test and read about yourself. It'll help...a lot! You can't hold on to your romantic view of what love is. For one thing...there isn't a woman out there who can meet that need for you in any way. It's a spiritual hole in your heart and women are flesh and blood. You've got to find another way to fill it and take the pressure off of your wife. Check out this website:

http://www.mkp.org/

My husband is at the New Warrior Adventure Training this weekend. He has decided that I deserve to married to a man instead of a boy. He's 45. Do you want to wait that long or is it maybe time to do it now?

Time to grow up.

Stillwed

Just when I thought I had a group that I could talk to, my wife finds out about the site and now I am censored. Any reply that I have, she will read and if it is not what she wants to hear, I pay the price.

I need people to talk to.

Randy, please do not stop posting. In fact, invite your wife to read the various forums on this site. This can and will help her as much as yourself. You are seeking answers and advisement and this IS the place to post for the members of MB have been where you are at one point or another in one role or another.

Please continue your efforts to find the answers
that you seek.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>if it is not what she wants to hear, I pay the price.

I need people to talk to.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mrs. RandyRail. Reading this post is the same as snooping ... you can't use what you gain against your H, his posts are FYI only. Let your H be truely honest w/ himself.

Mr. RandyRail. If you feel that your post would be used against you and you have issue with it ,some of us talk on the phone or via private email.

-rh-

Hi Redhat!
This is Ali, (Mrs Randy)
My husband told me about this website and told me that it should support my feelings of a BS. I come in here to the office because he constantly looks up information about her! I am not snooping in any ways! Why he wrote that, who knows! I am all for this site! All of you have been nothing but supportive to both of our needs! It is about time someone told Randy to grow up and stop acting like a 14 year old! We also read each others replies. I have to get my own username but I am having difficulties with logging in!
I am glad this site is here! I know nothing negitive will come out of this! I wish he would just take the advice that is given! Because he is a great person! He has a lot to offer! But his head is in the "FOG"!
Thanks,
Ali!

Hi Ali.
After you registered, MB should have sent you a password via e-mail, which you will use to log in. I don't know if that is the problem but it took me a couple of tries before I figured out how to get logged in. Of course I am... computer iliterate. Darn! Almost made an admission there, didn't I? It will be a lot better for you and Randy when you get logged on because there will be no confusion about to whom one is talking. I look foreward to seeing you and Randy work your way back into a strong and loving marriage.
Agape. fudd.

Group:

I can no longer write as my wife will censor/read what I have stated. If I am feeling depressed/helpless or if something triggers my memory and I need to write to the group.....I pay the price.

I know I am forbidden to discuss the name of the "other person" in the household and I admit that this is the right thing to do. After all, my wife is the one that is violated.

But if I have the need to talk to someone outside of the wife without fear of rebtrabution, I cannot.

Group, I have been struggling everyday since I came back from Texas with the loss of a job that held promise, my wife and her emotional needs as well as the fact that I cheated on her and the emotional rollercoaster that is associated with that. Trying to concentrate on finding a position so that we do not lose the house has been taxing because my wife has needs to discuss things between us. Everyday, we talk about what happened. Everyday, I think about the mistake I made getting involved with someone so shallow.

Group, I am not looking for sympathy or someone that has empathy for me. On the contrary, most of you have become frustrated at the lack of progress with me.

It comes and goes.

Last night, we started the questionarre from this website over a bottle of wine and candles. Our children were with her parents.

This is going to be a long journey for both of us. I don't know if we will be successful. I do know I have thoughts and I do know that my memory is still fresh.

I am not ready to work again. Everything will be compared to the Texas job. For those who will blast me and ask "is it the other woman" that I miss, well.....no. You see chat group, after being fired from two positions in less than 10 months, your confidence in yourself is really low. When you find a position that you are not only do well in and exceeding.....all of the sudden everything takes on new meaning. This was my dream job and everything now will be compared.

Chat Group, as most of you have said before, please do not pity me. I AM SORRY TO MY WIFE AND FAMILY FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE!!!!

I am having such a hard time emotionally dealing with all of this. It comes and goes.

Sorry!!

Randy

How about helping Ali get her own thread started on the site. Now there is something you can do together isn't it. After that you can vent to your hearts content and she don't even have to read your posts. But the same goes for her posts,. Butt out and don't condemn or analyze her feelings, they are as real as yours. There are no black robes here, so neither of you are going to be condemned by the members. Sometimes it seems as if there might be a striped shirt or two, but the rules are " You can't kill the referee".
Try out ideas on the folks here (they are suckers for something new. Hey it gives them something new to discuss for a day or two.) Who knows you might just come up with the winning combination and fool everybody. Now they will beat the hell out of me over that comment! No problem, I have had my A$$ chewed on by professionals at that job.
Keep comming back here no matter what anyone says to you. Don't get angry about what these people think and say, just read it and think about it for a while. If you don't agree with it? Well at leaste you didn't have to pay for it did you? I often questiion the wisdom of some of the advice given here. I know that mine, like theirs, is only an unqulaified oppinion, but the folks here really do care about each other. You are included in that each other. Those who truly care, care enough to be honest with you. Have you found dishonesty here? Aint the truth a Bit@# to swallow?
Say, I have to prepare for classes tomorrow and finals week is rapidly approaching so I am going to get off here and work the old gray matter for a while.
Agape. fudd.

Dear Randy,

Congrats on getting those EN questionaires completed! That's a good step in the right direction.

It's got to be really hard with all you've lost with your job and everything. Just remember what you didn't lose...your family.

God bless as you find your way!

Stillwed

It has been so difficult and the hurt/emotions are so strong to describe.

On one hand, you are asked to be supportive and care only about your spouses need(s), yet you are hurting/crying inside everyday.

My wife will see this, ridicule it and tell when am I going to stop thinking about the b*%$!tch. My wife has mesmorized her phone number in Texas.

Like a nightmare played in my mind, I see her face and the last 5 days leading up to my being fired. Why should I have cared??????

I WAS MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY?????

RANDYRAIL,

Actually, you make progress, not a quantum leap but a progress. You are still regretting your fantasy bubble poped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . It will take time, your A doesn't happen in one day so don't expect your withdrawal would be shorter. Keep posting. Congrat on finishing ENQ. Now you have to let your W to fill in and for you to learn to fillin hers.

Ali,

I am not saying that you snooped, I am trying to tell you that what you read on his post you should not use against him. The same way we treat info. that we gathered from snooping.

-rh-

Although counter productive and at times, very damaging, I sometimes wonder about revenge and or how the "other person" can live withselves, especially knowing that they were responsible for a Manager being fired and an outside Supervisor, also married, let go because of an impending affair as well. You would hope that her reputation in the office is forever scared but my wife seems to think that she is the type that just doesn't give a flying f**!!ck.

This is counter productive, I know. But I just wonder if "What goes around, comes around".

I am not innocent with the affair. It's just that now I see how damaging it was and the lives that it impacted.

WHAT DID IT IMPACT ON THE WOMAN THAT DUMPED ME FOR ANOTHER MARRIED MAN???

dear randy- you seem to wonder about the other woman, what she lost etc. can you imagine living a life of no honor, self respect and dignity??? that must be horrible. my husband, like you also gave up those things so i know you understand the feeling--it sucks, doesnt it. this woman will never get that back. however with time and patience your wife is giving you a chance to rebuild those things.

you are going through withdrawal and strong emotions. but you keep blaming ow for all of it. you, my friend made this choice, these are your consequences. you chose a selfish path and have to deal with the fallout. you can either wallow of fight for what is left for you---your family.

this will be the hardest thing in your life...yet the most rewarding. forget the "perfect job" they do come and go. start concentrating on repairing your family--think of the joy you'll get from rebuilding that and regaining your honor, self-respect and dignity.

good luck and keep posting

As you can tell from the time this was written, 3:30am, I continue to not sleep well. For the past 7 weeks, I am haunted by the memory of "her", the job and the fact that my marriage might not ever be the same. When my wife and I argue, there is more bitterness and resentment with my wife.

Can't blame her, though. She been lied to, deceived, cheated on. She cannot see the woman that left me in shambles, neither can I but the consequences remain so strong and so vivid.

I remember very clearly what one of my co-workers told me after I was fired. This was said to me with my wife present. I cannot shake it!!!!

How do marriages survive after a fling?????

There is so much betrayal and hurt????

Randy,

You have 50% share on the A ... now you have 100% share is your M is broken. Right now [/b]you are[/b] drinking a rat poison and hoping that the rat will die from it.

2x4. You are hurt & betrayed ... I have no sympathy for you, I am glad you got kicked in the head by OW. However you are torturing your W more than your A ... next you will be kicking your self in the rear behind when your loving wife leave you ... eveyone has limit ... don't push Ali to make that decision.

-rh-