<img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ April 29, 2003, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RANDYRAIL:
<strong>Dear Forever Together!!!

Yes Iam reading the e-mails. I want to respond to your questions.

Wife wants to hold on to the marriage. She is determined. She is also broken up.

We now live back in Illinois. My family never moved as we were waiting to see how well I did. After the 6 month, we were looking at homes.
But my wife knew what was going on.

In January, she hired a detective. The affair continued. It continued until March.

This is so scarry. We go back and fourth. One minute I am fine, the next I am not. Comforting my wife seems all impossible as I am trying to greive over the loss of a job I fell in love with and the loss of an affair that made me feel alive again.

Some of the group is getting angry because it's "I".</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">RR,
Do you love the wife??? If so then thank your lucky stars she still wants you dude. There are plently of ways to rekindle sparks but there is NO way to MAKE somebody love you which she seems to do and obviously the OW did NOT. Work on the sparks w/wife and forget the bimbo. As for the job, F*** the job you can always find another. Get back to rebuilding your family bro' you are soo lucky they are still there.

This will be my final posting to the group as my wife continues to read my messages and continues to "belittle" me as soon as I head towards the computer.

The group sees no "remorse" on my part and my wife continues to get angry with me because I am not trying to work things out with the marriage. One of you wrote "F#!ck" the job, work on the marriage!!!

To be honest with the group, we are in a situation right now that we will lose the house and fall behind on bills becuase we have no income!! I am in a triple "whammy" right now. I think the group needs to be aware exactly with what is going on in our lives. Maybe then, some of you could shed more light.....

1) Our youngest son needed his skull replaced in September of last year. He was only 5 months at the time.

2) I had an affair that began in November. (OLD NEWS!)

3) Our oldest son in February was diagnosed with Autism. My wife researched the school system in McAllen and found that they could not assist our son the way Illinois schools could.

4) The affair ended in March-I was fired, etc.....

5) We have no income

6) Denied unemployment benifits

7) Marriage is now in "crisis state" as my body wants to "shut off" and go through depression. I cannot because of wife's needs, children needs and financial reasons.

8) Wife continues to demmand that I stop thinking about what happened in Texas. Especially the affair.

9)Marriage counciling is not helping as we are going through the church and everything is directed towards Jesus Christ and letting him free us. I do not believe this and I cannot make a connection.

10) Finally, group. The realization that the entire "freaking" affair was all but a fantasy that felt so good but was never-never real.

Of course I am going to tell everyone this. I am sure "Redhat" is going to have a field day!!

8 months by yourself, the marriage was rocky before then, all the ingredients were there for the affair. Someone see's you, knows your wife is far, far away and then starts making you feel good abiut yourself again.

Once the affair is over with, reality sets in that the woman you married is not the same person you once knew years ago.

Then again, neither am I!!!

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

To RR and Mrs RR

It took my H and I over three months to get to the point that we could actually start working seriously together on our marriage. Like you RR, at first he didn't want to give up on "that feeling" he had with her. And I hit him with everything I had (only verbally after the night I found out about A, LOL!)when he would say things like "she's still a good friend". It hurt to the core like it does to Mrs RR, to see you wallowing in your pain over what the OW did to you.

Of course, you're hurting, both of you. Time will heal the hurt. In the meantime, whenever you feel depressed over the situation, do something nice for each other to show that in spite of everything you still are committed to each other to rebuild your marriage.

RR, don't dwell on revenge or the fact that OW only got a warning and you got fired. All this is of no consequence now. You must get yourself together and get a job to support your family. Don't let this ruin your future.

Mrs RR, I hope RR and you will continue to post or at least read these boards. I haven't really posted much but reading sure has helped me.

RR, I posted a reply to one of your earliest posts. It was rather sarcastic but, hey, it was a bad day for me at the time!

I wish both of you the best and a wonderfully renewed relationship. Now, GET TO WORK ON IT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think you should visit your doctor and get some medication, if you haven't already, for your depression.

I had a terminally ill child and LOST her -- shame on you for not being there 100% for your children and your wife. This should be your MAJOR focus right now -- not your affair!!! Be glad your children are alive and healthy as they can be at this moment. I lost my precious little girl and my husband of ten years.

You should really try HARD to refocus -- there are a LOT more people going through tougher times than you are.

I am the BS and my H lost his job right after his affair and has put us in tremendous financial trouble as well. He lost his job because he was not focused at work and spending too much time on the phone, e-mail'g the OW. Now, not only am I left with being the BS BUT also being behind in rent, day care, and everything else. I had to be the one to ask the pediatrician for free formula because I could not afford to buy any. And yet, I am trying to do the counseling thing and all that with him. He too went into a deep depression and had to go on medication and he has come around.

Your children are precious -- don't ever take them or anybody else for granted -- you never know when they might not be there any more.

Sorry if this is rough but I hate that your one child has been diagnosed as having autism -- there are varying degrees and you did not mention to what degree. This child needs a stable, comfortable, loving surrounding.

Sounds to me like the similiar situation that I experienced except for the fact that I was doing really well at work and loved my job.

I know in my heart that once the affair ended, I was going to have to resign or do something so out of character...like what I did, get fired.
I could not see this woman ever again. Plus my wife knew.

Not even all the kings men could put back our marriage right now. With everything else going around in our lives, it is difficult to concentrate on the marriage.

Of course having a 1 year old sleep in the same bed because they are nursing doesn't help.

Randy
_________________________________________________
"RR"
This will be my final posting to the group as my wife continues to read my messages and continues to "belittle" me as soon as I head towards the computer.
_________________________________________________
Try the help wanted pages for a change. $6 per hour beats the hell out of sitting on you’re a$$ whining about the financial position you caused. Grow a set of balls for a change instead of projecting fault. And why does she belittle you? Could it be because you do nothing all day long but sit on you’re a$$ and think of more reasons that Poor Randy should have the entire world shoveling pity upon him, then you run to the computer to spew you fetid crap?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
The group sees no "remorse" on my part and my wife continues to get angry with me because I am not trying to work things out with the marriage. One of you wrote "F#!ck" the job, work on the marriage!!!
________________________________________________

The only remorse you have is that the other woman saw through the transparent Randy and dropped you flat when she saw the true [censored] that you are. Why shouldn’t your wife be angry with you? What all do you have to throw away before you are going to get off you’re a$$ and try to earn a dollar or two. Any dumb a$$ sixteen year old can do that, but Poor Randy is just too emotionally torn to leave the house and his computer.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
To be honest with the group, we are in a situation right now that we will lose the house and fall behind on bills becuase we have no income!! I am in a triple "whammy" right now. I think the group needs to be aware exactly with what is going on in our lives. Maybe then, some of you could shed more light.....
______________________________________________
And just who put you in this position? It sound like you were in Texas chasing after a piece of a$$ while your wife was at home doing everything she could to insure the best of care for the children. Get a damn job, any job, and pay bills instead of wallowing in self pity. How many “WHAMMIES” has she had to live with? How many did she cause? Tell us more about Poor Randy’s whammies.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
1) Our youngest son needed his skull replaced in September of last year. He was only 5 months at the time.
_________________________________________________
Now you finally have a son? Didn’t you say that your self pity superceded everybody else on the planet? Oh! I get it. You have found another tidbit that might create pity for POOR RANDY. We all have heard how unimportant he is, so pity for you will not be forthcoming. Try another tactic.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
2) I had an affair that began in November. (OLD NEWS!)
_________________________________________________
For about the millionth time.

_________________________________________________
"RR"
3) Our oldest son in February was diagnosed with Autism. My wife researched the school system in McAllen and found that they could not assist our son the way Illinois schools could.
_________________________________________________
But all this was superceded by the fact that your hot piece of a$$ was in Texas. Gotta have priorities don’t we.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
4) The affair ended in March-I was fired, etc.....
_________________________________________________
And she only got a letter...Ad nauseum.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
5) We have no income
_________________________________________________
Not POOR RANDYS fault! Hot piece cheated on him and caused ALL his problems.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
6) Denied unemployment benefits
_________________________________________________
POOR RANDY should have been rewarded for his honor, and given a lifetime job. HELL, he should have been promoted to CEO.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
7) Marriage is now in "crisis state" as my body wants to "shut off" and go through depression. I cannot because of wife's needs, children needs and financial reasons.
_________________________________________________
Now where did I put that fresh box of tissue? Wife and children should have more respect for POOR RANDY.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
8) Wife continues to demmand that I stop thinking about what happened in Texas. Especially the affair.
_________________________________________________
Well! She has a lot of nerve, doesn’t she? Stupid woman should be on the phone day and night singing your praises to that hot piece of a$$. You just can’t find a good woman any more can you? I hate to say anything detrimental about POOR RANDY while he is suffering, but could it be that someone didn’t train the little wife right? It couldn’t have been you who made such an error.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
9)Marriage counciling is not helping as we are going through the church and everything is directed towards Jesus Christ and letting him free us. I do not believe this and I cannot make a connection.
_________________________________________________
Well, I’ll be dipped in Spit! What a surprise!
_________________________________________________"RR"
10) Finally, group. The realization that the entire "freaking" affair was all but a fantasy that felt so good but was never-never real.
_________________________________________________
NOT REAL? OH NO! Now what do I have left to believe in?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
Of course I am going to tell everyone this. I am sure "Redhat" is going to have a field day!!
_________________________________________________
Shame on REDHAT.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
8 months by yourself, the marriage was rocky before then, all the ingredients were there for the affair. Someone see's you, knows your wife is far, far away and then starts making you feel good abiut yourself again.
_________________________________________________
Will somebody please quieten those violins? I can’t hear POOR RANDYS story over the sound of the sad background music. He is going to tell us where this hot piece was during this eight months alone. It is going to be a scientific breakthrough. Alone In Texas, and humping a non existent… Well excuse the hell out of me! I thought he meant that HE was alone, not his wife. Hot diggity! Do we get to hear all about her affair too?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
Once the affair is over with, reality sets in that the woman you married is not the same person you once knew years ago.
_________________________________________________
Aint it a gitch when they don’t stay stupid?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
Then again, neither am I!!!
_________________________________________________
The hot piece of a$$ proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt, didn’t she?
_________________________________________________

AND I AM ONE THOSE WHO HAVE FAITH THAT YOU CAN SALVAGE YOUR MARRIAGE.

But I am always going to tell you exactly like it is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fudd:
<strong>Randy
_________________________________________________
"RR"
This will be my final posting to the group as my wife continues to read my messages and continues to "belittle" me as soon as I head towards the computer.
_________________________________________________
Try the help wanted pages for a change. $6 per hour beats the hell out of sitting on you’re a$$ whining about the financial position you caused. Grow a set of balls for a change instead of projecting fault. And why does she belittle you? Could it be because you do nothing all day long but sit on you’re a$$ and think of more reasons that Poor Randy should have the entire world shoveling pity upon him, then you run to the computer to spew you fetid crap?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
The group sees no "remorse" on my part and my wife continues to get angry with me because I am not trying to work things out with the marriage. One of you wrote "F#!ck" the job, work on the marriage!!!
________________________________________________

The only remorse you have is that the other woman saw through the transparent Randy and dropped you flat when she saw the true [censored] that you are. Why shouldn’t your wife be angry with you? What all do you have to throw away before you are going to get off you’re a$$ and try to earn a dollar or two. Any dumb a$$ sixteen year old can do that, but Poor Randy is just too emotionally torn to leave the house and his computer.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
To be honest with the group, we are in a situation right now that we will lose the house and fall behind on bills becuase we have no income!! I am in a triple "whammy" right now. I think the group needs to be aware exactly with what is going on in our lives. Maybe then, some of you could shed more light.....
______________________________________________
And just who put you in this position? It sound like you were in Texas chasing after a piece of a$$ while your wife was at home doing everything she could to insure the best of care for the children. Get a damn job, any job, and pay bills instead of wallowing in self pity. How many “WHAMMIES” has she had to live with? How many did she cause? Tell us more about Poor Randy’s whammies.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
1) Our youngest son needed his skull replaced in September of last year. He was only 5 months at the time.
_________________________________________________
Now you finally have a son? Didn’t you say that your self pity superceded everybody else on the planet? Oh! I get it. You have found another tidbit that might create pity for POOR RANDY. We all have heard how unimportant he is, so pity for you will not be forthcoming. Try another tactic.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
2) I had an affair that began in November. (OLD NEWS!)
_________________________________________________
For about the millionth time.

_________________________________________________
"RR"
3) Our oldest son in February was diagnosed with Autism. My wife researched the school system in McAllen and found that they could not assist our son the way Illinois schools could.
_________________________________________________
But all this was superceded by the fact that your hot piece of a$$ was in Texas. Gotta have priorities don’t we.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
4) The affair ended in March-I was fired, etc.....
_________________________________________________
And she only got a letter...Ad nauseum.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
5) We have no income
_________________________________________________
Not POOR RANDYS fault! Hot piece cheated on him and caused ALL his problems.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
6) Denied unemployment benefits
_________________________________________________
POOR RANDY should have been rewarded for his honor, and given a lifetime job. HELL, he should have been promoted to CEO.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
7) Marriage is now in "crisis state" as my body wants to "shut off" and go through depression. I cannot because of wife's needs, children needs and financial reasons.
_________________________________________________
Now where did I put that fresh box of tissue? Wife and children should have more respect for POOR RANDY.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
8) Wife continues to demmand that I stop thinking about what happened in Texas. Especially the affair.
_________________________________________________
Well! She has a lot of nerve, doesn’t she? Stupid woman should be on the phone day and night singing your praises to that hot piece of a$$. You just can’t find a good woman any more can you? I hate to say anything detrimental about POOR RANDY while he is suffering, but could it be that someone didn’t train the little wife right? It couldn’t have been you who made such an error.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
9)Marriage counciling is not helping as we are going through the church and everything is directed towards Jesus Christ and letting him free us. I do not believe this and I cannot make a connection.
_________________________________________________
Well, I’ll be dipped in Spit! What a surprise!
_________________________________________________"RR"
10) Finally, group. The realization that the entire "freaking" affair was all but a fantasy that felt so good but was never-never real.
_________________________________________________
NOT REAL? OH NO! Now what do I have left to believe in?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
Of course I am going to tell everyone this. I am sure "Redhat" is going to have a field day!!
_________________________________________________
Shame on REDHAT.
_________________________________________________
"RR"
8 months by yourself, the marriage was rocky before then, all the ingredients were there for the affair. Someone see's you, knows your wife is far, far away and then starts making you feel good abiut yourself again.
_________________________________________________
Will somebody please quieten those violins? I can’t hear POOR RANDYS story over the sound of the sad background music. He is going to tell us where this hot piece was during this eight months alone. It is going to be a scientific breakthrough. Alone In Texas, and humping a non existent… Well excuse the hell out of me! I thought he meant that HE was alone, not his wife. Hot diggity! Do we get to hear all about her affair too?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
Once the affair is over with, reality sets in that the woman you married is not the same person you once knew years ago.
_________________________________________________
Aint it a gitch when they don’t stay stupid?
_________________________________________________
"RR"
Then again, neither am I!!!
_________________________________________________
The hot piece of a$$ proved that beyond a shadow of a doubt, didn’t she?
_________________________________________________

AND I AM ONE THOSE WHO HAVE FAITH THAT YOU CAN SALVAGE YOUR MARRIAGE.

But I am always going to tell you exactly like it is.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Harsh Fudd Harsh, yet EVERY word you said is true. Hope he listens.

Randy,

Well I hope you're still lurking even if you aren't posting.

If your wife is "belittling" you whenever you go to the computer, I can understand why you still have feelings for OW. So Ali, (if you are still reading Randy's messages and not respecting his attemp at recovering your marriage), you need to STOP right now.

I do see some disrepect in your W's posts. But Randy how can you blame her. It seems from the start neither her nor the kids have been very high on your priority list. And there may be reasons for that. You may have checked out of the relationship long before the move to Texes. Because of the way you thought you were being treated. Regardless, you do need to focus on what is real and important. You, your wife and your kids.

People probably see "no remorse" becasue you seem to be focused on yourself.

Instead of going down the list and responding to them I'm going to go straight to #9.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">9)Marriage counciling is not helping as we are going through the church and everything is directed towards Jesus Christ and letting him free us. I do not believe this and I cannot make a connection.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I once quit my job as the president of my own company to work on my marriage and family. I didn't have anything else lined up and expected to move out of state within 2-3 months. But I did trust God to handle the situation for me. We were literally down to under $200 in our account, when I got a phone call from a company I had never contacted. I told my W before the interview starts I was going to tell the guy three things. One, I needed to make X amount per month; two, I need to get off at 4pm everyday; and three, I won't work weekends. If he could handle that, then we would continue withthe interview. When I got there, I told the managerthose three things and he said. "Well, I know your reputation and I was going to start you out at the amount you are requesting, If you finish your work at 3pm you can leave, becasue I'm task orientated not time, and we are closed on weekends. That actually ended your inteview and I started right after the drug tests were done.

What I'm trying to tell you is that God is more relevant than you might think. He can help you survive your financial situation. And He is the designer of marriages and He can fix yours. He can even make it better than you could ever imagine. If you (and Ali) let him. You need to focus on the right things. Question is, do you want to turn everything around or do you want to wallow around in self pity?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) Our youngest son needed his skull replaced in September of last year. He was only 5 months at the time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This isn't going to go away. You need to be there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2) I had an affair that began in November. (OLD NEWS!)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutly! This is history. Can't change it. You still remember it, but in time it will fade.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3) Our oldest son in February was diagnosed with Autism. My wife researched the school system in McAllen and found that they could not assist our son the way Illinois schools could.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This isn't going to go away either. You need to be there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4) The affair ended in March-I was fired, etc.....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">History, it happened.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">5) We have no income</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What's keeping you from getting something, even if it's temporary?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">6) Denied unemployment benifits</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, so what are you going to do?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">7) Marriage is now in "crisis state" as my body wants to "shut off" and go through depression. I cannot because of wife's needs, children needs and financial reasons.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Get some meds to help you deal with it. Many people here do (including me).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">8) Wife continues to demmand that I stop thinking about what happened in Texas. Especially the affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A little unrealistic at this point. You aren't at that point in the process yet. But you can be doing more for yourself to get past it than you have been.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">10) Finally, group. The realization that the entire "freaking" affair was all but a fantasy that felt so good but was never-never real.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The entire affair WAS A FANTASY.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Once the affair is over with, reality sets in that the woman you married is not the same person you once knew years ago.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Both of you have become the people you are in part because of the way you treated each other. So in a way, your wife is the way she is because you didn't meet her needs and she needed to find a way to protect herself when you wouldn't. You are the way you are because she wasn't meeting your needs. You chose to have the affair because of the way she treated you (which BTW doesn't excuse you, it was still very wrong).

So again, the questions are, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do to fix you (not your W), you? What are you going to do to make your W feel special again? What are you going to do about the financial responsibilities? And what are you going to do about what Jesus has done for you and can do for you?

Simple questions, simple answers; just hard to do what is right. (Why is it so hard for us to do the things we know we should do?).

I hope you focus on the right things, because when you do it really does start getting better.

BTW- You need to keep from reading Ali's posts as well. You don't need any "Love Busters" taking away from her Love Bank.

In Christ's love.

S&C

<small>[ April 30, 2003, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

I've been following this Thread - BTW Mr. Randy hopped over to 'Divorcing/Divorced' and posted his story... Just to let y'all know about it. Not trying to cause any strife here, but I know how it is when you get going good on a Thread and someone suddenly gets lost on you. Y'all have given Mr. Randy some good solid advice.
PS - I just came across this Thread this morning so haven't posted on it - I usually hang out in the Divorcing/Divorced Boards.
Harold

RANDYRAIL,

You "belittle" yourself. Look at your own post and replace RR with Ali and see how do you feel.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Of course I am going to tell everyone this. I am sure "Redhat" is going to have a field day!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't have a field day ... I have said enough. I feel sorry for Ali and you too and try to put ¢ into your head before too late.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fudd:
<strong>"RR"
Of course I am going to tell everyone this. I am sure "Redhat" is going to have a field day!!
_________________________________________________
Shame on REDHAT.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dust off this post and I wasted enough time here ... I just land a job this week, I have better thing to do than saying more than this to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

-rh-

RR,
Sounds to me like you're going through the stages of "grief" related to the loss of your affair. That involves all sorts of feelings like denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. It's a p-r-o-c-e-s-s. It takes time. Even if you know it wasn't "right" or "good" for you, it's still a loss. The loss of that "special feeling", that "spark". The loss of how you viewed yourself as a father, husband, employee. We all want to feel loved and special. Nothing wrong with that! It sounds like the affair you had was the closest you've come to that feeling in a long time. No wonder it's so painful to come to grips with. It wasn't just the loss of that specific person, but of the feelings generated within the relationship.

OK...Having said that....Do NOT expect your wife to be able to share in, or comfort you, at this time of your loss. She's got a whole lot of her own grieving to do. It might help you to get into some individual counseling. OR, I think that what others may have suggested is that those feelings you want and desire so badly can be obtained through working on how they got lost or were missing in your marriage, by working on your marriage. I've worked with recovering drug addicts before. Many of them have talked about the loss they feel in giving up their drug of choice. In spite of how damaging that drug was to them and their loved ones! The drug met some kind of need in the short run. When it's gone, the need(s) are still there. That's where hard work comes in, in terms of changing some of the ways we think and behave. That can be where the Harleys come in or a counselor. Your needs can be met, RR!!! Just not in the direction you were heading.