Hello Mike.....Im gonna make alot of folk mad...Im gonna be the antagonist. I went through almost the identical experience you have just gone through. Except, my wife did the same thing to me 6yrs ago when we seperated. We got together when she was young....17, me 20. We dated for 6yrs and then got married. We have 2 young children. My EX used to complain about not living her life and like she missed out on her young adult dating and living on her own. Well, she moved out without much of an explantation except "I dont know whats wrong, its me"....."I feel like I missed out on being on my own"....."You are too controlling". Well...she moved out for 3mo. dated and then came begging back sayin she made a mistake and it was her fault she left....yada, yada, yada. We stayed together, had two kids and exactly 8yrs later....the same behavior.....staying out late, leaving me with the kids....high cell phone bills with ONE number on it. It was a freakin joke. Well, I lost it one night and we got into a huge argument...ya know what I was told?? You are to controlling, Ive been going through the motions for a year.....I was scared the last time I left and should have stayed gone. This time, I let her go and move on with the OM. I could not trust her again. I felt if she felt trapped 10-15yrs from now, she would put me through the same crap. Since our seperation and divorce a year ago, this is what has happened. The OM has been on again and off again several times with my WW. The WW had called crying and has cried numerous times when I pick up my kids. I have since met a beautiful woman who appreciates me and wonders "What was your EX looking for"? Anyhow, I moved on Mike....I could never trust my EX again. I met someone who is my best friend and has been in a truly horrible marriage before. My EX was young when we married and felt the grass was greener. She has ALWAYS felt that way. I can see it very clearly now. I truly hope she is happy and has found her soulmate. I sure wasnt. Have a great day and hang in there. Sorry to be so negative, but not all marriages are meant to be.......and you need to see both sides. Not just the side of staying in a bad marriage. Laytuh!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS......I dont care what other say. Once TRUST is lost (even if its forgiven) things are NEVER, EVER the same. People can say they are over the loss of trust and they have forgiven, but it will always raise its ugly head. It is always in the back of your mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't agree with that. My H broke my trust many years ago and I feel that its back. Is it the same as before? maybe not, and probably that is a good thing, I tend to be overly trusting, gullible,niave etc.

I was the WS, and my h and I are working on our marriage. I love him dearly and the guilt is overwhelming at times 9 mos later. Its gotten easier for him, but its still there.. he works with OM so its in his face 5x a week. ANYWHO. If you wife wants to work on it, don't giveup, both the BS and the WS have to heal. Not only did I have to heal from OM, I had to heal from hurting my H *and* myself.

I respect all opinions, Im just giving mine. Once you have lost trust......its very hard to recover. Its Mikes decision if he wants to deal with all the forthcoming drama. I just felt he deserved to hear both sides of the argument. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Itsover thank you for your story, that in fact is my worst nightmare. I'm confident she feels she missed out on life, and if we do reconcile she will feel this again. She has many issues she has to deal with, she had a horrible childhood, she compusively lies, she has dependency issues, she has low self esteem. Before we were married I had more freinds than I knew what to do with. Now looking back I can honestly say I don't have one true freind left. I've dedicated all of my energy to being her caretaker, and looking out for her that I've completely isolated myself. Maybe I'm overreacting maybe she really is a nice loving women. But I can't help to think the worst and that her deception goes a lot deeper than I even know about now. I talked to a guy I work with who I know's marriage is on the rocks. He said he's been together 12 years they've had ups and downs, they've done counseling and breifly changed. But deep down people do not change. I think it's ironic that the very thing that attracts you to someone, will later be the catylyst to ruin the relationship. For this thing to work I have to deal with years of pain, never having the same relationship, deal with her lies until she fully comes to grips with everything that has happened and is honest with me about everything since the beginning of our relationship. I just don't know if I have the energy or strength, or the belief that she can change, or wants to change.

I'm going to agree that Mike needs to hear both opinions and other types of experience. It's not likely that any of them will be exactly what Mike is dealing with, but he needs to know that whatever he decides...it's his right to decide. What may be a dealbreaker for one, is not necessarily a dealbreaker for another.

Plus...everyone needs to realize that no matter what...their life is NOT over. If they stay and rebuild and really work to have a healthier marriage...that's one option. If they choose to move on without the betrayer beside them...they will still have a life one that will be as rich as they are willing to work to make it happen.

I think wondering if a child is "mine" is something that will always go through a man's head when his W has betrayed him. Even if they feel in their hearts and the kid looks just like them. It's a scary idea to wonder if your child is yours, something that mom's don't have to deal with, betrayed or not. BUT...most men discover that their child is theirs, not from some betrayal. (Thank the good Lord.) I pray that this is what you discover.

As to if your W is PG now, move carefully. This could be your child she is carring.

One more quick example and I will let it go.......A lady that works across the hall from me was just like my EX. She was married young....felt there was more in life to experience than her husband. She kept leaving home, coming back, leaving home....same ol story. One day after 10yrs of marriage, a college degree and 3 kids this woman thought she was ready to live her life. There would be noone to control her or tell her what to do. She could come and go as she pleased and date anyone she wanted to. Well.......her husband gave her the divorce she had craved for years.........fast forward 10yrs later....NOW....her EX is happily remarried and she is still searching for that other guy. She told me in her own words...." I made a huge mistake that I will have to pay for...for the rest of my life" "I gave up what I thought was out their, a good father, and husband". The lady also told me I needed to let my EX go....I was talking with her during my seperation. She was giving me some advise. She said my EX sounded just like her she said....and until you let her go she will NEVER change. She said when someone feels in their soul that there is more out there and they are missing something, until they SEE first hand for themselves....they will never change. Anyhow, I will let ya think on that one. Good luck again and have a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Mike,

Like many others, I am here to tell you what you are thinking and feeling is totally normal and in fact, exactly what most of us say and feel at the time. You need to nurse yourself right now and that is it. No decisions. Get into marriage counselling, take care of yourself and see.

My counsellor at the time, told me to do the therapy, work on my marriage and not decide one way or the other for one year. You see, at that point you will be calmer (you are still in shock), you will have some counselling under your belt and, I hope, your wife and you will have spent a great deal of time working things out. As a father you no longer have the right to make snap decisions about the marriage since they don't only affect you but helpless children. After a year, if things don't work out, you can hold your head up high and truthfully say you did your very best, but what if they do work out...beautifully....you deserve to know if it is possible.

If she is remorseful and is no longer cheating and wants to make things right from now on, you have an amazing chance and you will have truth and honesty on your side.

Also, this is an excellent time to pray. I did and I got a lot of help with the physical side of the pain and the mental anguish too. You can pray for relief.
Good luck. You are certainly not alone.

Mike,

About your son... All his life you have been his real father. Fatherhood is more than biology. Do you want to risk losing the relationship you have with this boy?

Yes, if he's not your son, you could D on the basis of Adultry - and if you renounce fatherhood, you could get out of paying child support, but is that what you want? Is it just genetics and money?

It's a hard decision, I know. I'm sure I'm the father of my child, but I thought about checking just be be "scientifically sure" - and decided against it. My child is the most important thing in my life. She will always be my child and would still be even if the biology/genetics were not there.

Just my 2-cents.

-AD

Hey Mike-

Brother I feel your pain right now. I am about one month ahead as far as D-Days go, with situations eerily similar. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster.

Here's my advice to you that hasn't been said yet. I would secure a counselor for yourself, one on one. It is great to have an objective 3rd party to help you through this, not just biased friends and family with possible agendas. I never in a million years thought I would be the guy "on the couch", but I glad I'm going now. Having your own counselor will give you the cheerleader you deserve right now, and help clear the smoke you're prabably experiencing.

Take it one day at a time and talk to your wife when you can!

Hang in there, buddy!!

_______________________
D-Day 3-24-03
M - 3 years
BS- 30 WW-28
"We can't change what we did, we can only change what we do."

Hello,
In response to AD I do love my son genetics or not, but i just need to know. I would always be his daddy no matter what the outcome was. I really love her and I know her feelings for me have changed, as have mine for her. But we both agreed yesterday that it's probably fixable, we still love each other very very much, and we deserve it to ourselves and my son to try. I don't believe in God but I think I would put my faith in the easter bunny right now, if I knew it would help me through this mess.

Mike,

Just a note to say that I am thinking of you and your family. I pray that you and your wife will seek out a therapist to help you navigate the rebuilding process.

Use all the resources available to you. You both can do this. You have a wonderful opportunity here. Be patient and diligent.