( This is a question I have found I need to ask after receiving advice from F A's post, "Female Betrayers I need help..." ) A personal thanks to F A for the help I received from his post. <P>Thank you so much everyone for your advice! I am more scared than ever and I know I have to tell him. However, I think it might be best for me to wait until after the holidays. I certainly don't want my 5 children being traumatized with any unbearable circumstances that may arise. And I do expect some. I can't say for sure if it will be physical or not, since he has only physically hurt me one time in our 16 years together. It did however, allow me to see the frustration and helplessness he was feeling due to my withdrawl from him. Please allow me to give you some background... I went out with some girlfriends and came home plastered. (First time I had been out with girlfriends alone in our entire marriage!) I hadn't been with another man but he thought I had. Unfortunately, my children had to hear everything that was happening to me as they screamed and cried and pleaded with him to stop.... I lay on the floor.... clothes torn, soaking wet from being dragged down the stairs and thrown into a cold shower face first on the floor, hyperventilating, while he was by their doors calmly telling them, "Everything is ok. Go to sleep now, your moms ok," and then coming back to me and proceeding to "Check" me to see if I had had sex. Humiliating! And I too weak to fight back. The next morning, after seeing my black and blue body... He cried and cried and begged my forgiveness. He has never touched me in anger again! I think it hurt him more than me. (By the way, it was Easter morning in 1998 and my 12 year old son woke me up (I slept on the couch, needless to say) and said, "Mom, let me hide the eggs and baskets for you..." ARGH!!! I was just SICK! It was then that I vented to the OM and It was 6 months later, that I began the physicl affair with OM. So, in the meantime, I will set a goal to tell H AFTER CHRISTMAS. Just in case any thing goes wrong because I can't stand the thought of another holiday being destroyed for my children. Any ideas on how to break the bad news? Can anyone make a suggestion based upon their own experiences on how your spouses confession could have made things easier to absorb? I am thinking perhaps it might be best for us to start counceling and having a councelor present and helping me to know when he is prepared enought to handle the confession. Oh boy.... Any advice is welcome.......I am going to pose this as a New Post and see if any others who haven't been keeping up on this thread may have suggestions.... Thanks again to all of you here... F A, SamH, NewMan, Just Learning, Zip... and any I may have missed, Your imput has been extremely helpful....

Sorry, I may be the odd one out here, but I say don't tell. Tell him you need to work on your marriage, that you have serious problems. If you do tell, DO NOT give details. My counselor says you should not go into all this. This is just more for them to have to deal with and get over.<P>Good luck, but with your husband (that display of temper) I would never tell.

Lacee -<BR>Yes - definitely start counseling and get help and input on this. Do not confess to your H while you are alone with him and have a plan of action in place for a safe place for you to get to if he somehow discovers beforehand and confronts you.<P>You may think this is overreacting but I feel it is just being safe and cautious. Your Easter story is chilling. I know you love your H and he loves you as well - but this is definitely controlling behavior taken to the extreme. Do be careful, but at the same time, congratulations on your decision to be honest and really confront the issues in your marriage.<P>Hugs,<BR>Starpony

Why do you have to tell him at all? IMHO confessing is only to make YOU feel better and ease YOUR conscience... This will not help your marriage in any way and it is an incredibly selfish act which will only be hurtful to your husband. <P>There are times in life where we just have to live with what we've done and keep it to ourselves. This is one of those instances. Don't confess. Live with what you've done, learn from it, and move on...<P>Work on your marriage instead now that you realise it needs work!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Lacee,<P>I would have said tell him by yourselves before I read the details of your history. I say talk to a counseler first and then put a plan of action in place to tell him with someone present.<P>My wife told me about her EA and I already know about her feelings for OM. I took it pertty good and tried to understand her feelings. We just have not been able to turn the corner. You need to tell him but you need to protect yourself first. You sound like someone that is really struggling. I give you a ton of credit for spending time on this site. It sounds like you really want your marriage to work.

Lacee,<P>You will need to tell your H. I can suggest several options. 1) Do it in the presence of a counselor (as suggested earlier) 2) Talk with a minister if you have one you have confidence in and knows your H (he will need help dealing with this) 3) Talk to Harley for advice on how to do this. <P>I would also point you to a series of threads by "Francis" on the Why Women Leave Men" section of this board.<P>Her situation was somewhat different from yours, but she did not want to tell her H. However what she found was that as she tried to make things right with H the guilt began to eat her soul. Her counselor offered a strategy for breaking the news to him. THings are working out very well.<P>I would strongly suggest that you go and find all of her posts and read them in order. You will be both impressed with her, her counselor, and her H. You will I think get some very good ideas about possible strategies.<P>This is going to hurt H alot. With the single episode of violance, prudence seems warrented. Can you honestly tell him that you love him? If you can then this will help. He will not have must trust, so what you can, will, and have told him had better be very honest. <P>Please consider your options; you have many. Please go read Francis's posts, and then perhaps you can get even more input from the board or Francis.<P>I look forward to hearing from you soon.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

No, she DOESN'T need to tell her husband. What she needs to do is work on her marriage. Confessing will only hurt her husband and her marriage. It will set things back, not help move things forward.<P>Even Dr. Harley says that confession is not always necessary or good. I recommend you take his advice and keep the EMR to yourself...

I'm telling you DON'T TELL HIM. Talk to Hummingbird.

He must think that something is going on and has not just brought it up. You can't work on your marriage and not be honest about things. You need to tell him. The question is what is the right time and how to tell him.

lacee, i agree with susan and elixir. you may have made a mistake. learn from it and move on. leave the information behind. it's history. you can put it in the back of your mind and take it to your grave. there is not reason to feel guilty for having strayed. everyone makes mistakes, get over it. do it now, you will one day, why not now. confessing is nothing more that handing responsiblity for the deed to someone else in an effort to lighten ones' load. think of the millions of people who've done this that have gone before us. what's the difference none?<BR>what he doesn't know won't hurt him. knowing of your affair will hurt like hell and will not undo what's been done.<BR>if you're religious, ask your higher power to forgive you and go on and enjoy your life knowing you are a smarter, more enlightened person.<BR>

”Talk to Hummingbird” is actually good advice... she has made incredible progress towards healing her marriage. She is also living a lie some here are urging you to perpetuate. That lie will eventually destroy her marriage, even though she doesn’t realize it yet. Don’t go down that path of destruction. Lies such as she is living with her H are part of the affair, not a part of a healthy, recovering relationship. Your marriage will <B>never</B> fully recover with that lie between you; it will eventually eat you alive. Your marriage can only fully recover if you are <B>honest</B>. Definitely get together with your counselor and figure out when and where is the best way to tell him. And if your counselor advises you to keep it a secret... <B>get a new counselor.</B><P>I will tell you something frightening... that honesty sure will set you back quite a ways; it happened to me. But you have to be facing in the right direction before you can begin the journey of recovery, and perpetuating the lie will set you down the wrong path. Without being on the right path, the lie will always be a roadblock that will prevent you from finding TRUE happiness with your H. That roadblock will only get bigger and bigger, and you’ll never be able to get around it. When you finally <B>DO</B> tell him, all your progress and more will be obliterated. You might not be able to find the right path at all at that point, because the perpetuation of the lies will have led you the wrong way for so long.<P>Besides... if frankie thinks it’s a good idea to keep quiet, that’s the best advice you’ll ever see to tell the truth.<P>K... where are ya??? <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited December 17, 1999).]

Lacee,<P>No, I haven't told my husband. It's been very difficult on me, mostly everyone here thinks I should.<P>It has been 4 months since my affair ended. I am in counseling and I've gone through alot. I feel I'm come along way in my depression and I feel my marriage is starting to heal.<P>Whodat:<P>I understand how you feel about my situation. You say:<P>"the lie will always be a roadblock that will prevent you from finding TRUE happiness with your H. That roadblock will only get bigger and bigger, and when you finally DO tell him, all your progress and more will be obliterated."<P>I guess I feel that since I was the one that made the biggest mistake of my life, how will telling him do any good? I've paid, believe me for what I've done. Yes, the guilt is overwhelming at times, but will telling him relieve that guilt? I know that it's a lie I'll always have between us, but if he knows about the affair, I know him, he won't forgive, he'll always mention it, never trust me again and that will always be between us.<P>I feel progress between us. What if I tell him and he leaves me. I don't want to lose him. Maybe your thinking I don't deserve him, it's taken me a long time through the initial of withdrawal, when I didn't even want my husband, now I feel that I have a chance to rebuild my marriage and I don't want to lose that.<P>I know you feel that telling my husband is the key in the formula to success in my marriage, but couldn't my marriage succeed without telling him?

Well, I just got home from shopping a bit and am extremely surprised by the number of responses that I have gotten from this post. Thanks to everyone for your input! I'm a lot concered that when I do tell H that he will assume that everything I have been doing with and for him over the last few months will have all been a farce. I have made great improvements in our marriage and my focusing on him. I do love him and want us to have back what we had for so many years before this mess. This last weekend on a little get away I planned for his birthday, He told me for the first time in years, how impressed he was with me... the way I handle myself around others... the respect I get in running my own business... How impressed he was with the way I made sure to introduce him to all those I knew when we were there. It shows me that he is starting to see me as an individual as well as a wife and mother. These were things I was lacking in the marriage before. I was thinking... if I suggested counceling to him at this point and time, don't you think his reaction would be "Why?" After all, he has been seeing the affection and feeling the love that I have been showing him and just beginning to feel comfortable in our relationship. He told me he was falling in love with me again. Can you see my fear in telling him? To throw away the progress already made will be a very hard thing to do. I know that most of you feel the right thing is to tell him, but how? And after building things up with him won't it make him even more upset? If I had found this site 3 months ago, maybe he would have known by now.. I don't know. Maybe I should go alone to counceling without him knowing? Suggestions? Also, as far as his reaction to my having an affair, YES, I am a little worried about what might happen physically. There have been times when I have started falling asleep and he is laying next to me and I will hear him whisper, "If I ever find out you have been with another man.." well, you know the rest. But this hasn't happened now in months... Sigh....I am very confused... It seems I have a lot of reading to do. Thanks for your blessings.. I appreciate them more than you know....<P>Hummingbird,<BR>I feel that I can relate to your situation very much... do you think that you will ever tell him? I always thought before I found this site, that I would go to my grave keeping the secret. I am so scared....<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 17, 1999).]

Lacee:<P>I'd suggest that you call Dr. Harley on his radio show at 888-332-5169 (2-3 pm CST) and get his advice directly. I'll contradict Elixir and say that there's never been an instance that I can recall where Dr. Harley says to not be honest. Not one.<P>Having said that, your husband has exhibited some pretty severe violence with that drinking episode. So don't run and tell him without having a very careful plan---you don't need to be hurt. I would talk to Dr. Harley (or his son Steve---who can be reached at 888-639-1639) to get a plan that will keep you safe, and give your marriage it's best shot for recovering.<P>I will agree with WhoDat---you can make progress in a marriage without telling the truth about an affair, but it's always going to be an issue that haunts you and will prevent recovery. Let's say that you become the perfect wife---but in 5 or 10 years this affair comes out (and you'd be surprised how often that happens). It will be even more devestating that bringing it out now. <P>I'm all for truth in a marriage. Complete truth. Anything less is just that---less than a marriage.<P>Talk to Dr. H or Steve. They'll be your most help.

(new_beginning getting ready for a stoning...)<P>Your H is abusive. The incident that you described is <B>dangerous</B> and would make me think about <B>ever</B> telling him.<P>You would be foolish to tell him without being in a safe place and in the presense of a mediator... <P>That said, I have been an advocate of TOTAL HONESTY (ala Harley) since I came here, and let me tell you what it's gotten me. Yes, it eased my conscience, and yes, <B>I</B> could begin healing, but I, in essense, <B>killed</B> my H, sure as if I'd pulled the trigger. <P>No matter which way you choose to go - BE SMART, for your children and for yourself!<P>~Sheryl

Thank you so much for your honesty. It is sometimes hard to say what you really think when others so much disagree. I am very touched and have so much to think about. I will be checking back in a while but for now, I have some thinking to do.

I say you need to tell. In light of his violent behavior in the past, you need to do this the presence of a counselor and have considered plans for separation if he will likely be violent. In any case you need counseling to work through this. Here is what Dr. Harley says about Honesty, one of his four rules for a successful marriage.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3800_honesty.html</A>

Hiya Hummingbird... I was gonna reply to your “Letter to the OM,” but I’ve been trying to avoid posting so much. All these fears you post are shared by Lacee, I presume, since it seems things are so similar between you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I guess I feel that since I was the one that made the biggest mistake of my life, how will telling him do any good?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>It puts everything on the table, and enables you to both work on the marriage, without that Sword of Damocles hanging over your head. Also, trying to “protect” him from the truth is extremely disrespectful.<P>I just see the continued lying as perpetuating the worst aspect of the affair itself. Affairs are <B>about</B> lies, not about love. That lie began in order to <B>have</B> the affair, and it continues afterwards.<BR> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I've paid, believe me for what I've done. Yes, the guilt is overwhelming at times, but will telling him relieve that guilt?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Nope; it’ll actually make you feel much <B>worse,</B> at least initially. Hurting someone like that is the worst feeling in the world. But it’s also a weight lifted off your shoulders, and with that weight gone, you CAN have a marriage that is truly, amazingly better than you ever imagined.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I know that it's a lie I'll always have between us, but if he knows about the affair, I know him, he won't forgive, he'll always mention it, never trust me again and that will always be between us. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>But he <B>shouldn’t</B> trust you! The old saying is “trust has to be earned,” and you earn trust by being <B>honest,</B> not by continuing to deceive. If he can’t see the progress, and can’t forgive, then maybe he doesn’t deserve <B>you,</B> who are working so hard. My W never mentioned my affair at all, even though I wish she had. I feel it’s something we still need to work on, but I won’t presume to tell her how to deal. <P>Also, you may strongly <B>suspect</B> how he will react, but you can’t possibly <B>know.</B> Again, presumptuous and disrespectful. No one knows how they will react to a given situation until they are in it. Both my W and myself knew... absolutely <B>knew</B> that I was the last person on the planet who would ever have an affair... yet here I am.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel progress between us. What if I tell him and he leaves me. I don't want to lose him. Maybe your thinking I don't deserve him, it's taken me a long time through the initial of withdrawal, when I didn't even want my husband, now I feel that I have a chance to rebuild my marriage and I don't want to lose that.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It could happen; I certainly wouldn’t presume to tell you that it couldn't. Look at what happened to TheStudent here, after SHE was honest. She even now says she <B>wouldn’t</B> tell him, were she to go back and change things. I feel the inability to work on things is very much her husband’s shortcoming (as it would be in your situation) and not hers.<P>I certainly don’t think you don’t deserve him; I’m painfully aware of the insanity the fantasy of the affair produces.<P>All I know is with a six month exception 2 years ago, I have <B>NEVER</B> lied to my wife. I had to get back to that. She was much more hurt over the lies than the affair itself. She found out, not through my telling her from a sense of duty, but from me leaving something on my computer like a bonehead. Sure, I could have lied, and covered it up, but at that point telling the truth was almost a relief. Actually, it WAS a relief. I had lied to her for six months, since she had previously found a couple emails between myself and the OW. I lied about the email, and when my W found “evidence” six months later, it was worse... because of the lies. I don’t think we could have rebuilt had I lied to her the second time, even though the affair was over by that time.<P>I just count my lucky stars that she found it in her heart to work on things after finding out the second time. I don’t know if I could have done that, and I hope I never have to find out. By being honest with each other, talking when something is out of kilter, and attempting to meet each other’s needs, I hope we never even come close to that situation again. We now possess the tools, built upon the cornerstone of HONESTY rather than deceit, to continue making this marriage better.<P>And it is. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I know you feel that telling my husband is the key in the formula to success in my marriage, but couldn't my marriage succeed without telling him? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sure it can, but I myself don’t believe it can <B>thrive.</B> You can’t get honest reactions out of your relationship unless you are <B>HONEST.</B><P>Lacee:<P>BTW... I fully agree with everyone who has said if you DO tell him(and I hope you do) to do it in a safe place such as with a counselor. You need to do it in a manner that lets him know you LOVE him and want to work together on your marriage, but of course, you have to be in one piece to be able to do that. And if you think he might <B>truly</B> hurt you, I’d be asking myself if I really wanted to be with someone like that, to tell the truth.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited December 17, 1999).]

Here's another discussion about the topic of honesty in marriage and recovery from infidelity. **edit**

You need a plan in place when you tell him. A pastor or Counselor. <P>I am glad you have decided to tell him. It is the right thing. Everything I have read states you should tell him and tell him EVERYTHING. By telling him everything, it will help you feel better but also will help him. What hurt me the most was not the affair but the lies. By coming out with everything, you will be showing that you are tired of the lies and that you are not keeping any other secrets from him and truly want to be forgiven. When I found out, my wife told me everything because I want to know it all. If she would have not told me everything, then I would have felt she had other secrets/lies she was concealing from me and this would never have let me trust my wife again...... By coming clean it will also help shut the door on the OM. If you were not going to tell H, then you would always be tempted to see the OM again because it would still be the BIG SECRET. (That is what I like to call it).<P><BR>I know it is not easy but I respect you for doing the right thing.....<P>------------------<BR>