FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH AND ALLI WILL SURE TO AGREE.

I PICKED A REAL WINNER WITH THE WOMAN IN MCALLEN, TEXAS. A REAL WINNER.

SHE WOUND UP BACK WITH HER SEPERATED HUSBAND, CREATED A MAKE OUT SESSION AT THE COMPANY "SPRING PICNIC" IN FRONT OF ALL OF THE CO -WORKERS WHO KNEW SHE WAS INVOLVED WITH ME AND THE SUPERVISOR THAT WAS FIRED.

AND YES, AT 38 YEARS OLD, SHE, HER SISTER OF 43 AND HER DAUGHTER OF ONLY 18 WENT TO SOUTH PADRE ISLAND DURING SPRING BREAK TO GET SOME MEAT.

I PICKED A REAL WINNER!!!!!!!

I don't know if I am helping, but I will put a few more cents in.

You have your family NOW, you may not much longer. Look at Ali, look at the woman you loved, the woman who you were in the delivery room with, the woman who always made you laugh and smile.

You are driven, you have goals, but do you think they will be easier to attain while sending alimony and child support?

Don't worry about Texas, it is gone. It IS hot! I want you to really think, really be honest, you think your co-workers really respected you? You were screwing the office whore. I have never respected the ones I knew to be having an affair. I thought they were liars, cheats, slimy and felt horrible for their wife and kids(too bad I am that wife now)

You are in IL, YOU HAVE YOUR FAMILY. Losing your job and a trashy man using woman is going to be peanuts to losing your wife and children. You will not be able to wake up and comfort them when they cry. You will not be able to kiss their heads on the last bed check, you will not be able to see the baby's milestones. You won't have Ali next to you in bed, to reach your foot out and make sure she is there in the middle of the night, you won't hear her breathing as she sleeps, you won't see her as she is getting into the shower, or reading a book. That will all be gone

Chew on that. Compare it to losing your job and a skanky ho in Texas. If it is a lessor loss, then you need to move on and seperate. If thinking about the reality of the above not being available to you anymore makes you sad, then work on seeing reality

I think counseling and some antidepressants are going to change alot of things. I am guessing you are clinically depressed right now. That can make reality not in focus

Good luck and I pray for the best for your family

So WHAT!! You picked a Whore! Who the heck cares now, hang your head in shame and then look at what a wonderful woman you have at home. Realize by being obsessed with what happened is about to make you lose the one stable and good thing in your life.

Count your blessings. Start obsessing over Ali and the kids. Start focusing on the good she has done for you. Focus as much on her being there as you are having screwed a whore. Who cares what the whore does/did?? She is a skank, they act like that.

Why don't you get off the computer, go and grab Ali and hold her tight. Let her cry, hold her very very tight and see what happens.

randy, oh my! could this actually be the start of something good for us? i hope so, because i'd love to help you! do you realize this is the first post that's been all about you? and that all you needed was someone who's been there too? i'm here for you if you need me. if you'd like my email, you can have that too. maybe if you pour it all out to me, you can keep it away from her until you've both had time to heal!

what are you afraid of? well, if you're like me you're afraid that the best is behind you, that you'll never feel that way again. right now the loss is so huge, it's hard to see anything else. there are still days when i feel like a nothing, that it will never be good again for me. that i'll spend my life looking back and thinking about how much i miss it.

fantasy is great. before i got pregnant, that's where i was too! i think if you are suddenly snapped out of it rather than leaving it on your own you have much more trouble dealing with the loss. almost like a withdrawl of sorts. you crave the good feelings you had, and it does seem unfair that you aren't supposed to say that! how many times did i want to say why, even though i knew it was because of me! and that's the hardest part to accept, that we did this to ourselves, isn't it?

to this day, i haven't found my way back to that perfect place. i've come to realize it was a fantasy, not meant for long term living. but i have made peace and moved on from it. i see what i have, a husband who adores me, three kids who strangers feel they should compliment, and a fat doggy who doesn't pee on the floor to much! that's alot! try to remember what you do have, and what you could have in the future.

you have this need to be successful at work. one that means alot to you, did you know that before this happened, how much it meant? if not, then screwing up has taught you something valuable. believe it or not, many couples do become stronger after adultery because problems never admitted suddenly come to light.

as for your work, i know about hating your job! my husband joined the navy to get benifits for children while i stayed home. recently he resigned to a ship he doesn't like in time to leave for gulf solely to get us a $450 raise. meanwhile i still sit home and care for children. i want to go back to school, as i tell my husband i want to have a job where i wear pantyhose to work! but we've both made our family a priority over the little things, and next to family they are all little things!

that's not to say that you should just suck it up and deal! you shouldn't! you should fight, fight to get a better job, to feel better about yourself! it won't always be this overwhelming, i promise randy! there will come a time when you'll see this as just one more painful but valuable learning experience. do not give up on finding better work! but do not forget that there is more to life than that!

try not to let all your self worth be tied into one thing, mine was always being the prettiest girl around. now that i'm older and children have left there mark, there are lots of days when i feel so sorry for myself! i still do at times, but time will help!

my advice to you would be to try as hard as you can to not think of the ow. yes, it does suck that she pays no consequences. but honestly, even if she were fired, do you think that would hurt her? if she's morally bankrupt, she'll just move on to the next fresh batch of victims. there's nothing you can do, so let her go. your giving her way to much power over you, kick that loser out! from now on, no matter how much the thought of her bothers you, may i suggest you email it to me instead of writing it here where wife can see, or mentioning it to wife? it just stirs up the hurt each time she hears it!

you know, i've seen more progress in you today than i have in the few months you've been here! i think i can stop smacking you now, and give you a big hug because i think you're ready for it now! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Randy

For what it is worth I will tell you this. You only lost a job. A job that you liked but still a replaceble job. The food industry is stil there for you. Will your wife and family be there if you don't move foreward? I know about loosing more than just a job. I loved Surgery, but I will never have the opportunity to work there again. Arthritis has ruined my chances to ever save lives like I did for so many years. I cannot even load a needle holder. Typing is misery and holding pen is almost out of the question.

Yet there are carreers out there for me. I can teach! I am working toward a BSE in english and a BA in creative writing. I have applied to a MFA program in creative writing.

I could sit and feel pity for myself and all that I have lost. Mind you that I did not throw mine away, I lost it because of circumstances beyond my control. You control your circumstances, and the outcome of your situation.

Many have taken the time again and again to come here and attempt to help you, yet you rarely answer a post. When you do answer it is to bemoan the fact that the woman in Texas didn't get spanked by the principle like you did. Well guess what! Life is a *****! Nothing fair in life whatsoever. You can't spank her, Ali can't spank her. When you want revenge against her she wins every time. You are playing by her rules. Ali's calls to her have proven that. Leave her to her own devises and she will end up being the most miserable person in Texas. AND, she will do it to herself without your help. Where will you and Ali be while she is living in misery? Will you still be making your life miserable by worrying about her, or will you have grown up and made yourself happy?

You might have noticed that no-one on the board has been willing to discuss the faults of anyone other than yours. Yours is the only ones you can change. You can't change Ali! And you surely can't change the OW. So that leaves only yourself that you can change. Only you can save your marriage, and until you make the changes in yourself you cannot save it. As with all the other posts that people have made here, I won't be surprised when you ignore this one also. No one can force you to give an honest attempt to saving your marriage. It is entirely up to you what you do with your life, but in the end you will never be able to lie to yourself and shift the blame onto any one else. It will be all yours.

Agape. fudd.

Until the position in McAllen, I had not experienced "happiness" in quiet some time. Ali is quick to point out that during the affair, the OW got me when I was the most happiest and Ali got me when I was depressed.

The truth is, there hasn't been a whole lot of reasons to celebrate for the past 3-5 years. In particular the last 2 years with all of the setbacks. Our children have been sick/needed surgery/medical attention. The loss of several jobs for me. I keep "rehashing" the day I left our house to drive to McAllen.

So when I left for McAllen, our marriage was on the rocks and in a fragile state. I just remember Ali crying and telling me "Do you know what this is going to do to our marriage?".

When I look at the big picture of how things were in McAllen, yes it wasn't all rosey. It was very hot in the summer. Dusty. And it was scummy/dirty in most parts of the city.

I never felt so successful before in my life!! I loved the job. I was the talk of the company. It gave me so much happiness and I knew my confidence was building.

I never was cocky down there, though. I missed Ali and I had my crying spells in the morning while I was down there. Even during the affair, I was still crying.

This doesn't help Ali!!!!
**************************************************
I do need a friend. I have none and late a night/early in the morning, the pain/loss becomes worse. Especially in the early morning.

I miss my job. I still see the layout of the facility. I still see the faces of the people that I liked. I still see my office.

Letting go is the hardest thing to do. She (OW) wins everytime I think about the affair/revenge. Thinking about it takes up more negative thoughts than positive. It sucks up any type of good feelings. Useless energy.

I really do need someone to talk to, away from Ali. More like a support system.

Kris, can I e-mail you without posting on the internet???

RR,

Your XOW sounds an awful lot like that of my FWH's. She, too, showed her true colors and revealed all the flaws that made her, in his eyes, a complete waste of time and everything else he holds dear. Here's where you move forward...

My FWH read some of your posts and his reply was that the only thing that pulled him out of his self pity was the fact that after everything he had done to our M, we still had enough left to heal and move on. BE GRATEFUL that you have something so REAL and so strong that you have the same chance. Recognize your M for what it is... damaged, yes... but not over. BUILD ON WHAT YOU HAVE DISCOVERED about your M and about yourself. You have been fortunate enough to realize certain things that so many in your shoes haven't... TAKE THAT AND RUN WITH IT.

Randy,

With all due respect to kristawny, you should not be getting into any private conversations with someone of the oppisite sex.

Let me know when you have my e-mail address.

S&C

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: steadfast and committed ]</small>

ALWAYS WORSE AT NIGHT

For two months now, I have averaged 3-5 hours of sleep. One night last week, maybe 2 hours. It's worst at night, when the kids are asleep and the house is quiet. I lie there with Alli and she asks more questions and it brings up more painful memories.

Sadly enough, when you actually go through the experience, you don't veiw it as bad. I mean the present day event.

And it is the "little things" that make me cry, that I remember. The smell of the air at night while I was exercising. The way the apartment looked and the way I went to work in McAllen.
I guess it's life???

Late at night, I sometimes hear voices. I have to be careful here. I know Alli is reading. The voices are from several memories. The warehouse crew, the staff that reported to me and the OW. Late at night, I think about Alli and how much she is hurting.

"Steadfast and Committed" wrote a quick note that we should not be exchanging e-mails with the opposite sex while on this site. I don't agree. I do see where the logic is but I could use as many friends as possible. Kris has a good head on her shoulders, she is strong and I think she would be a good source of assistance/advice.

If the invitation is still open Kris, please send your e-mail.
**********************************************
Please pray for us this week (if that helps) as I have a third round of interviews near Chicago on Thursday. The position will get me back to the food industry (I love!!!) and the position is Logistics Manager, which is what I was in McAllen. We also have counciling begining Tuesday night.

I just want everyone to know that I still want to move back to Texas or somewhere warm, like Florida or Arizona.

I loved Texas because of weather, because of the cost of living and liking country music, really helped!!!! I was able to experience some things I have never done before like going to a real chilli cook off!!! I had no idea the prizes were in the thousands of dollars!!!$$$$$$

Anyway, please write back group!!!

hello again! i was going to give your wife my address anyways, if she wanted it, so here goes! . i'm going to edit that out later tonight, i've heard that one should be careful of posting such personal stuff since there are some who troll the boards looking for such things!

<small>[ May 26, 2003, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: kristawny ]</small>

Kristawny-please delete your message as I went ahead and e-mailed you already. Please confirm receipt.
*************************************************

Alli continues to ask intimate questions about the sex, touching and etc during the affair and when I reply as honest and open as possible also realizing her hurt.......I wind up getting physically abused.

Alli's pain and hurt is so deep and so real that I really don't blame her. She is the betrayed spouse. I think the phone calls to the OW last week and week before did more damage that good because there was no remorse and no concern from the OW. In fact, she really liked the fact that Alli called. She got a kick out of it.

We have not made contact since last week but the thiughts of revenge, the thoughts of send a letter to the staff regarding her affairs has become stronger each hour.

We wnat to see the "What goes around, comes around" with the OW. She got to keep her f*&^$cking job while I lost mine.

I keep rehashing it. I keep rehashing the termination papers. I keep rehashing the emptiness while down in McAllen.

I screwed up!!!!!! I screwed up!!!!!

Randy,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Steadfast and Committed" wrote a quick note that we should not be exchanging e-mails with the opposite sex while on this site. I don't agree. I do see where the logic is but I could use as many friends as possible. Kris has a good head on her shoulders, she is strong and I think she would be a good source of assistance/advice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's decisions like this that led you to your A in Texas. IMO, you are not in a postion to share initimate information with a person of the opposite sex safely. You should be talking to someone of the same sex in order to resect Ali's feelings and to show her youare taking steps to be accountable.

I'm sorry you have not taking me up on my offer to e-mail me. Maybe I was wrong aboout you. I thought you we interested in saving your M, not establishing a private relationship with another female besides your W through e-mail. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You have a very long way to go to heal, make yourself better and work on your M.

S&C

RANDY,
I truly do feel sorry for your W. I read through this entire thread and the theme remains the same. It is all about her, the OW. How you want her to get hers. In my EMR, it was me that lost a great job (yes, cheers). The BS and FWS kept theirs. We all worked at the same place. Yes, I mourned the loss of the job. However, I have moved on. I now work for a local paperand pvt security firm. I write and proofread for them. This is a career I had never considered. FWS has chosen to change jobs also. Neither of us makes the same amount of money we used to, nor do we have the level of autonomy and authority we used to enjoy. Yet, we are happy.

Grow up. I think it is criminal that your W has to read this garbage from you. In my opinion, you still want this OW. That is why what she does, has, etc. upsets you so. If you were over her, you'd feel nothing but iindifference.

I agree kristawny has a good head on her shoulders and I am quite sure she has no romantic interest in you. However, S&C offered to allow you to email w/ him. This a fellow man - yet you turned him down.

Again, I feel sorry for your wife. tew

******************MY DREAM****************

This morning, I had a dream about the OW. In the dream, I was shown her "new" office which she is sharing with the new HR Manager.

As I was being shown the new office by Lydia, Lydia was commenting that the reason as to why the OW is sharing the office is because they don't trust her and they want to put a leash on her/monitor her.

I never saw the OW in my dream.

My thoughts go back and fourth with the OW. I cannot stand it!!! The thoughts "zap" away any positive feelings I have for Alli. In the middle of the night, without any warning, I have these "visions" of the OW. None are good visions.

I WANT TO MOVE ON SO BAD!!!!!

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THESE DREAMS/THOUGHTS OF THE OW. THESE THOUGHTS ARE ALL BAD AND IT'S ALL ABOUT REVENGE OR HOW I WANT HER TO LOSE HER JOB.

I KNOW IT WON'T SOLVE ANYTHING!!!!!!!

RR,

The best revenge against the OW is to be a happily married man.

Your dreams may not all stop at once but you are strong enough to chanel and redirect your energy into your M. Play mind games with yourself and make plans as to how you will deal with the memories that haunt you. When you find yourself thinking about A, redirect your thoughts to B, etc. (In the days following d-day, I knew to inamgine the look on OW's face when she saw my H and I happy together whenever my resentment for the A began... IT WORKS!) Perhaps you can condition yourself to reach out to Ali in some small way whenever you find yourself struggling with your memories. I know it's easier said than done, but you've made quite a bit of progress already and I'm certain you can do this.

I agree, however that you should NOT have any private conversations with somone of the opposite sex... during this stage or any other.

Kristawny should uses better judgement. This is not what you need right now.

I agree strongly with The Lady. Stop spending so much time wallowing in negative thoughts about this OW. She's not worth it, Ali is! Instead, look at Ali and channel all your energy into having the M you want with Her. Start your M as of today! Then maybe one day IF you see the OW again you can tell her that you feel nothing for her and couldn't care less.

May I suggest you and Ali each keep to your own boards right now, this way you can each write without repercussions.

May I also suggest you find some MALE veterans to correspond with. We talk about very personal and emotional issues on this board and it is too easy to become emotionally attached to a person of the opposite sex, and then what next... And don't say you can control yourself...we are all here because we can't, or are married to someone who can't. Check with Ali before you correspond with ANYONE on the board (and she should do the same). Did she agree? Then OK.

How long do you want to wallow. No amount of folks on here telling you to get over it is going to help you get over it. You have a time schedule. You want to wallow, for whatever reason...maybe you think you deserve this unhappiness, or maybe you like getting sympathy or attention (it's what you learned), or maybe you are afraid of the future and thinking about the past is safer for you. For whatever reason...do it. You're not going to be happy on someone elses time schedule. But I would warn against wallowing towards Ali right now. Keep it to this board, good friends, family, but not towards Ali. There will be a time. That's why we're here...wallow away.

But don't fill your entire day with wallowing, part of it has to be spent making your M better. How do you and Ali communicate when you're away? Letters, phone calls, telegrams, email? Pick one or all and start using, using, using it. The more you communicate in loving ways, the better things will be with you.

She will ask MANY questions. She wants to know that you will betray the OW, and give Ali your most secret events. Kiss and tell. Make Ali feel loved and you will get it back...

I AM HAVING NIGHTMARES/DREAMS......CAN'T SEE THE OW BUT CAN VISUALIZE THE OFFICE AND THE HOUSE, ETC.

CAN NO LONGER TELL ALI ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING AS WE MADE A PACT THIS MORNING.

TOO MUCH DAMAGE TO ALI, NOT ENOUGH LOVE AT THE HOUSE AND I NEED TO START TOUCHING/HOLDING AGAIN.

I WILL NEED TO FIND ANOTHER OUTLET OR PERSON TO WRITE TO AND I KEPT THE E-MAIL ADDRRESS TO ONE OF THE MEMBERS ON THIS SITE.

I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER FOREGT THE JOB IN TEXAS. AND YES, I HAVE A GUT FEELING IT WILL HAUNT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

THAT'S JUST HOW I FEEL. THE JOB AND THE SUCCESS THAT I HAD WAS A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.

I WILL HAVE THIS MEMORY THE REST OF MY LIFE.

It was a once in a lifetime experience that YOU damaged. You have major self esteem issues, have you considered some antidepressants and some counseling?

I live in Texas and I sure as hell wouldn't want to live in McAllen. That's right next to the border of Mexico, it's trashy and dirty down there, not to mention hot as hell.

Does anyone out there help me with some issues that seem to be holding me up as far as "moving forward"???

I need to know if "Karma" truly exists out there?? If so, what do you do if you will never see it happen or are 1800 miles away?? Will it happen?? Is it true, "What goes around, comes around"???

I know all of you are saying "Randy, enough is is enough, work an Ali", but sometimes the thoughts of revenge become so overpowering and so strong that I want/need to get final closure.

The worse part is knowing inside that I am guilty of destroying my fragile marriage. I know that I victimized my wife. I know that I am not the innocent one.

But when Ali called the company two weeks ago, the receptionist that she spoke to said that even after the company fired me and her new love intrest, the OW is walking around the office like a "pony" not even caring that she had a responsible hand in two affairs. How can she get away with this?????

Should there be no remorse??? Should there be no, "Oh my gosh, how can I go back to work knowing that I contributed to his firings???"

Group, help!!!! What happens to people like this. Please don't respond with, Randy, move on....it's over!!!!"

Please help????????

I NEED SOME CLOSURE!!! I NEED SOME ASSURANCE!!!!