Hello, I found this web site a couple of days ago and I am really hopeful that I can find some help to heal my pain. Where do I begin, I have been married for 26 years now 25 at D-Day I married my high school sweetheart we have four children ages 25,21,17,14 and eight grand children. I have been through just about everything in my marriage in the early years my H was abusive to me but I was young just a teenager and in love and he always said I'm sorry it won't happen again and soon the abuse stopped. Soon after that though he began to use drugs it was if you love me you will let me smoke pot and drink I did not believe in doing those things but once again I was young and did not want to be a failure at my marraige so I went along to what ever he wanted whatever made him happy. We eventually had times of seperation but we always got back together we could never stand to be apart for long. During theses times we were always faithful to each other even when we lived apart if he needed or wanted sex he came to me and vise versa. My H is a very out going man with flirtty personality I have learned to live with it but I do say something when I feel it is not aproperate. But this has gotten him in trouble before to the point of a sexual harrasment charge at work but still I stood by his side. I am not perfect and please do not think that I am writing only his faults down but the bottom line is I have been through a lot with this man people say to me all the time " I don't know how you do it being married to him for so long" he is old fashioned and likes to be waited on and pretty much spoiled. I have always tried to do as much for him as I could but after 25 years of giving and feeling like I never got any thing back on day I said to my self I can't take it any more I am doing nothing else for this man until he starts doing for me. That was my big mistake. I found out I was going through an early menapause witch killed my libedo so he took me not being in the mood for sex as much as he was as I did'nt care about him the truth was I could plan all day for a nice night but when it came down to it there was just nothing there I knew I was in love with my H but the desire for sex just wasn't there like before along with this we were having trouble with our 17 year old son he had gotten really involved in drugs and this put great stress on both of us. I could go on and on of trouble we had, had for the last six years with different things but the bottom line is last year we were worn out I was in menapause and did not know it we were both stressed out over life and things were bad. My H would spend alot of time on his computer I spent time in the living room soon he hardly would talk to me I began to think some thing was up but when I would joke about it to a friend "I think my H has an internet lover" they would all say the same thing "not him he is just not the type" well soon he would not even look me in the eye when he talked to me. Every time I would snoop in his stuff I would feel so guilty "what am I doing he would never cheat on me" I would tell my self he had a lot of faults but one was not cheating. Then last November 17th to be exact I was taking our some back (he was home for his first home visit he is in recover PTL ) my H asked me to buy him some new clothes he said he was going to meet some guys about his website buisness he has been trying to get going so me miss I trust everyone went out and got him some new clothes just like he asked. The next day he went to pheonix to our daughter and you can imagine my surprise when she called and said that her dad was so excited about his trip to Michigan. Michigan I said I thought he was meeting these people in Pheonix. Well you guessed it he got on a plane and flew to Michigan to meet this woman he had been chating with on the internet. Well he finally told me the truth two weeks after he got home from his trip. He took me to a restrant and said I love you and want to work on our marriage but I need to know what you want because I have meet some one else. You can imagine my surprise I was in shock!!!! He told me how bad she wanted him how she made alot of money how she begged him not to come home she would support him if he stayed. At first I felt like she must be desperate but later it was me who felt desperate. I have never felt so ugly unworthy stupid and old as I have since this all happened.D-day for me was Dec.7,2002 and I have not been the same since. I feel like he killed everything good about me. I never laugh anymore I hate jokes about girlfriends I can not even enjoy time with my grandkids and they are my biggest joy in life. I have sent my youngest daughter to stay with her brother because I do not even have the energy to take care of her. I feel like I am going to loose my grip on life at any given moment. I only leave the house to go to work and I don't even enjoy church any more it is the first time in my christian walk I have asked "God where are you?" I know he has not had contact for at least four or five months but that first month was so hard he was still calling her and chatting on the internet. I called her finally about six weeks ago and talked to her for two hours. I have never hated any one like I do her I even told her I needed to some how for give her so I could heal but it has not happened yet. MY H said to me his A was both our faults well after thinking on that for a whole day I said NO it was his he chose to do that not me I was not happy I was in the same hard life as he was and I did not cheat I did not try to run away and start a new life. There is so much more I could say but I have taken up enough time for this post I am just looking for some one to talk to a friend to help me through this. I can not tell anyone about this I don't want people to think less of my H. We live in a very small town and people talk. Also I can not let my children know what happened they would disown thier father. They ask me all the time Mom what is wrong? I cant tell them. I would aprecitiate any advise thanks for listening.

Hi Gingersnap,

Welcome to MB. I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much right now... There are lots of people here that have been right where you are now, so you are NOT alone.

If your H is willing, you should both find a good pro-marriage MC and start going. Read all of the articles here on the MB website and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

It sounds like your H is willing to try and work on rebuilding the M with you, so that is a huge plus... there are many BS here whose WS aren't willing to give the OP up.

Keep posting here and let us know how you're doing.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hello Rebuilding, Thank-you for your input. Yes my H is trying very hard to make up to me what he has done. He says often he can not stand the pain in my eyes that he wants his old wife back the one that laughed and enjoyed life I tell him she is dead, what he did killed me inside. I have a friend that told me a few months back that she knows some thing is not right she can tell she said I have watched a little bit of you die more and more every time I see you. My H will not go to councling and we live in a small town not many resorses and I trust no one with this information I do not even want to tell my pastor so right now this site is my means of talking it out and seeing that I am not alone. Look for me again I will post more on my situation as time goes on but today was good it was the first time in a long while I have not dwelt on his A all day long.

Hello Rebuilding, Thank-you for your input. Yes my H is trying very hard to make up to me what he has done the problem is I do not trust and I question every move he makes. If he makes me a CD to listen to in the car I question the songs he picked out are they really words he feels about me or is it her he is thinking of he tells me he doesnt think about the A it was a terrible mistake that he hates his self for what he did he hates the thought of being in the group of low life men that cheat but the fact is he did it. He tells me if he could take it back he would but he cant and he just wants us to move forward the problem is I feel like he is getting away with something like he has not suffered like me. I hate these feeling but they are my feelings. He will not go to councling he told me so and as for me I would go but we live in a small town not many resourses and I don't trust just any one with this information. I do not even feel comfortable talking to my pastor about this I know people who are close to me sense that there is something really wrong but I don't ever tell the whole story to them. I was given anti-depression meds from my dr. but chose not to take them I felt like it would solve nothing. Just being able to talk on this site has helped alot. I feel better already and even had a good day today and hope for many more. Keep in touch and look for me I will talk more of what I have been going through over the last five months. Thanks again. GS

Sorry I put two replies I did not think the first on took OH well I am just a beginner on this computor stuff

Hi Gingersnap,

Another good book is Surviving an Affair. Even though I am frustrated with my current situation, this book saved my sanity during the early months. Now, I go through moments of anger.

This book you can order through the bookstore on the MB website.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hello, I found this web site a couple of days ago and I am really hopeful that I can find some help to heal my pain. Where do I begin, I have been married for 26 years now 25 at D-Day I married my high school sweetheart we have four children ages 25,21,17,14 and eight grand children. I have been through just about everything in my marriage in the early years my H was abusive to me but I was young just a teenager and in love and he always said I'm sorry it won't happen again and soon the abuse stopped. Soon after that though he began to use drugs it was if you love me you will let me smoke pot and drink I did not believe in doing those things but once again I was young and did not want to be a failure at my marraige so I went along to what ever he wanted whatever made him happy. We eventually had times of seperation but we always got back together we could never stand to be apart for long. During theses times we were always faithful to each other even when we lived apart if he needed or wanted sex he came to me and vise versa. My H is a very out going man with flirtty personality I have learned to live with it but I do say something when I feel it is not aproperate. But this has gotten him in trouble before to the point of a sexual harrasment charge at work but still I stood by his side. I am not perfect and please do not think that I am writing only his faults down but the bottom line is I have been through a lot with this man people say to me all the time " I don't know how you do it being married to him for so long" he is old fashioned and likes to be waited on and pretty much spoiled. I have always tried to do as much for him as I could but after 25 years of giving and feeling like I never got any thing back on day I said to my self I can't take it any more I am doing nothing else for this man until he starts doing for me. That was my big mistake. I found out I was going through an early menapause witch killed my libedo so he took me not being in the mood for sex as much as he was as I did'nt care about him the truth was I could plan all day for a nice night but when it came down to it there was just nothing there I knew I was in love with my H but the desire for sex just wasn't there like before along with this we were having trouble with our 17 year old son he had gotten really involved in drugs and this put great stress on both of us. I could go on and on of trouble we had, had for the last six years with different things but the bottom line is last year we were worn out I was in menapause and did not know it we were both stressed out over life and things were bad. My H would spend alot of time on his computer I spent time in the living room soon he hardly would talk to me I began to think some thing was up but when I would joke about it to a friend "I think my H has an internet lover" they would all say the same thing "not him he is just not the type" well soon he would not even look me in the eye when he talked to me. Every time I would snoop in his stuff I would feel so guilty "what am I doing he would never cheat on me" I would tell my self he had a lot of faults but one was not cheating. Then last November 17th to be exact I was taking our some back (he was home for his first home visit he is in recover PTL ) my H asked me to buy him some new clothes he said he was going to meet some guys about his website buisness he has been trying to get going so me miss I trust everyone went out and got him some new clothes just like he asked. The next day he went to pheonix to our daughter and you can imagine my surprise when she called and said that her dad was so excited about his trip to Michigan. Michigan I said I thought he was meeting these people in Pheonix. Well you guessed it he got on a plane and flew to Michigan to meet this woman he had been chating with on the internet. Well he finally told me the truth two weeks after he got home from his trip. He took me to a restrant and said I love you and want to work on our marriage but I need to know what you want because I have meet some one else. You can imagine my surprise I was in shock!!!! He told me how bad she wanted him how she made alot of money how she begged him not to come home she would support him if he stayed. At first I felt like she must be desperate but later it was me who felt desperate. I have never felt so ugly unworthy stupid and old as I have since this all happened.D-day for me was Dec.7,2002 and I have not been the same since. I feel like he killed everything good about me. I never laugh anymore I hate jokes about girlfriends I can not even enjoy time with my grandkids and they are my biggest joy in life. I have sent my youngest daughter to stay with her brother because I do not even have the energy to take care of her. I feel like I am going to loose my grip on life at any given moment. I only leave the house to go to work and I don't even enjoy church any more it is the first time in my christian walk I have asked "God where are you?" I know he has not had contact for at least four or five months but that first month was so hard he was still calling her and chatting on the internet. I called her finally about six weeks ago and talked to her for two hours. I have never hated any one like I do her I even told her I needed to some how for give her so I could heal but it has not happened yet. MY H said to me his A was both our faults well after thinking on that for a whole day I said NO it was his he chose to do that not me I was not happy I was in the same hard life as he was and I did not cheat I did not try to run away and start a new life. There is so much more I could say but I have taken up enough time for this post I am just looking for some one to talk to a friend to help me through this. I can not tell anyone about this I don't want people to think less of my H. We live in a very small town and people talk. Also I can not let my children know what happened they would disown thier father. They ask me all the time Mom what is wrong? I cant tell them. I would aprecitiate any advise thanks for listening.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

2 of my 3 sons know they read the note met for my wife so i had to explain the kids know somethings up and i dont think i could lie to them i want to work things out but she just wants to sweep it under the rug and act like nothings happened i cant she tried to act like the victim last nite when i tried to talk to her but i said no that is not going to happen im the victim i am faithfull not you its hard everytime i look at her i picture him on her or her on him im affraid if i tell om wife it might break them up and my wife would go to him we cant go back in time whats done is done but we can start now and make a new end she says she wants to work it out i hope so but shes not helping distancing herself from me she left at 730 thismorning and wont be home till 9-10 shes working extra at work witch she has never done wish i could but i injured my back at work and been home over 4 months all i can do is lay around nothing to do to much time to think they will operate next fri but theres still several weeks of recovery afterwards im with you its helps to talk to people who are in the same boat theres to many cheaters out there male and female plenty that havent been caught faithfullness is getting real hard to find

Hi Gingersnap!

First of all you should not wait on this man hand and foot! Good for you for stopping!
I don't have much time to write! But I had to write that right way!
I will check in later!
Ali

Hi, Gingersnap. I am so sorry that you are going through the pain you are in right now. You wanted a friend you could talk to. Well, you have found a place where you will have friends who will support you, encourage you, give you excellent advice and uplift you in prayer.

The pain you are in is very real. I understand that you live in a town with limited resources. Although your H indicated he won't go to counseling, have thought of counseling for yourself. I've always believed that I was "too strong" for counseling. That was my foolish pride talking. Well, like you, I was depressed, angry, and felt as if a part of me had died. I also lost my appetite, my sense of security and felt worthless. Those feelings are normal. In addition to renewing my spiritual walk, I've also sought individual counseling with a pastoral counselor. After my first session, I slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. Please look into this for yourself. You indicated that you aren't able to care for your daughter properly. You have to be strong not just for you, but your children as well.

BTW--your IC might be able to prescribe you anti-depressants to help you get through this. IC might be able to give you a referral to a MC. One of the things I learned coming here is that you have no control of, and are not responsible for how your H acts. The only thing you can change is you.

I'm also pleased that you recognize that while you do have faults, it was your H's CHOICE to have an A. While it is encouraging that H has ended A, it sounds as if there are underlying issues (addictive personality, etc.) that your H needs to address.

Please avail yourself of all the great advice here and explore the site thoroughly. The books suggested are excellent choices.

Please keep posting and checking in. I will keep you in my prayers.

Ali88,Sue w/hope,JRTLLF01, Thanks for the great advise, I am trying hard to think that I am a person worth something it is just hard after years of feeling like I was less then my H. As a matter of fact I tried to talk last night with him about this very issue he just gets angry and won't talk on of the things I hate the most is he told me one reason he was so attracted to the OW was he could talk to her. I try so hard to talk to him maybe he could talk to her because you all know when you are trying to make a good imperssion on someone you say what they want to hear. My H thinks that by not talking about his A that all is ok he acts like it was a car accident and he totalled the car and we just get a new one and go on with life. I asked him if the role was reversed would he forgive and forget and I'm sure it won't surprise anyone to know the answer he gave....it was NO!!! I don't think I could I would probably leave you he says I don't think I could stand the thought that another man had touched you I would never be able to touch you again. Now I ask why does he think I should just forgive and forget why does he not understand that I feel the same way it is hard thinking of him in bed with her. As for councling yes I have thought of it and have tried to look for some just not sucsessful with that yet. And my Dr. did perscribe anti depresants I just chose not to take them I was afaid I would not be able to function at work and I felt I needed to work through this not cover it up. And as for my daughter I am trying I feel so guilty because she is not here but for right now it is better it is giving me and my H time alone to really work on the marriage.

Hi Gingersnap:
Like the other's, I to am sorry for your pain, and will be keeping you in my prayers.

You have made some comments about your faith, and I wanted to take a little different approach than most folks. God specializes in fixing problems and messes and making them into something we never dreamed of.

You asked "God Where Are You!", maybe God is asking the same thing about you. Sometimes we run from God when we really should be running toward God. Read your bible, look what God has done with sinners, look at how God forgives them, and then uses them for his glory. Moses killed a man, then lead Israel out of Egypt.

You say something in your heart has died. Maybe it needed to die, so something in your life could change. Open your heart and hear what God is telling you. God started marriages, put the 2 of you together for a reason, don't bail out on Him yet.

Your H needs to see your faith as it gets stronger and stronger and you lean more to God for help. He needs your prayers to change him. You need to look at each little step forward and praise God for each step.

I struggled with this. But rather than get tied up in the "Why ME?" question, I asked "Why are you Changing Me?, and How Will I be able to Help Someone because of this?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking what you are feeling, I know the feelings are real, and I don't want you to think I am ignoring your H. I'm not.

Your H is more than likely beating himself up inside (men are that way), and every day he see's your pain he feels the pain. God will, in God's own way punish your H, let Him do that dirty work for you. It will have more meaning for your H. Let your H see God's love and happiness through you.

You both do need to talk about it, maybe in another town there is someone you can turn to. Keep praying, have faith in God, and the doors to fix this will open. This could take longer than you think it should, God's time is not our time.

In Christ....

Hello mesoftball, Thank you for your input. I would like to say that everything you said is true and I have always leaned on the arms of God for his strength in times of trouble. My life over the last six years has been one heart ache and trail after another the affair is what put me over the edge. I try to pray and find I can't I try too read my bible and find the words just run together I find no peace at church and these are all very foriegn things to me this is why I ask the question where is God I know in my heart he is near or I would not even be here today to write these things and yes I am sure he is looking at me and saying my ever faithful servent do not let this get you down but the problem is I am human with a breaking point and I think it broke. I know the bible says he will never give you more than you can handle but so far in life this has been the one thing I just have not been able to handle. I even told the OW what satin ment for evil God can turn to good and in many areas this has been very true and I PTL for that but there is so much pain still and this is were I need the help to heal this pain, to bring back the trust I have lost and restore my spirit.

I was reminded today of this verse and thought of you.

Psalm 5:12 For you, O Lord, will bless the righteous, With favor you will surround him with a shield.

You have favor in eyes of the Lord. Remember all the suffering Job went through. The bible says God restored everything 2 fold.

Imagine the most happiness time with your H. God can give it to you 2 fold.

Some recent counseling my WS just received was to give God your pain and suffering. Don't ask Him to take it, you need to give it to Him as a gift, just as he gave the gift of Life to us.

Faith is like muscles, sometimes they need to be stretched and exercised to grow. When that happens, they are sore and ache and are painful. But over time, and the work of continuing to exercise the muscles, they become strong and firm. God is working your muscles, He is stretching your faith, He is making you stronger.

Still praying for you.

mesoftball, thanks for encouraging words. my life of the last six years has been a job experience i don't you to think i am loosing hope my trust and hope is all i have right now what i am saying is that it has been ever so hard for me to give this up to God and I don't know why because all I have been through I have always marveled and the way the Lord has seen me through I have just hit a road block and don't understand why? So along with working through the A he had I am working through this also. Please keep praying I need that.

wow its the exact same thing here like looking in a mirror my wife to doesnt want to talk about it she says it just wont help she to says if the table was turned she couldnt forgive me and would leave me but they expect us to stay she has lied to me again about ending the affair i think she wants to have me at home to come home to but she wants to go have fun i cant live like that i believe in the vows i said the 1st time in front of a judge and the 2nd time in the church

Hi Ginger,

How are you doing today?

I know it is rough, and you want answers. There is and could be many reasons why he does not want to talk about it, shame, guilt, denial, who knows. That does not change how you feel, or why you want answers.

I know in my situation, I know my H well enough that I will get answers, someday, but now on my time frame <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . I can wait. Just don't have me wait too long, That can be a mistake.

Answers yes that is what I want I have found my self latley wondering why he confessed to the A at the time I know he was not sure about giving her up he says it was out of guilt I don't believe that because after talking with the OW she stated she did not think he was ever going to tell me. I'm not sure if her husband found out or she told because maybe they had made plans to leave thier spouses and get together I just don't know and I must say not knowing the answer to this drives me crazy is there something wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you. It is normal to want to know. Sometimes, you have to be patient and the answers come, sometimes, you have to accept (if you can) that you will not get answers, and sometimes, the WH, realizes how important it is that you have answers and they provide them.

YOu are not crazy. You feel like you are, you feel like the world is falling apart around you. Your whole trust system has been violated. It takes time.

I would like to tell everyone of my week-end and would be open to your comments tell me do I expect to much or am I justified in how I feel. Friday we had to drive out to our daugters so my H could fix her computer I had been up since 4:30am he did not go to work until 10:00am so he got to sleep longer than me anyway he calls me and askes me to make him a mixed drink to bring in the car so he can relax while I drive to her house it is a two hour drive. I did as he asked I might ad that he never asked me if I was hungry but he did buy himself some chicken for the trip and told me how good it was as I drove and he ate. Any way I thought this will be a good time to talk I was excited to share with him some of the things I have learned on recovering from his A and getting my life back to normal he would have nothing to do with that it ended up with me crying and feeling empty and so alone and we hardly spoke the rest of the night. Sat. we get up and went to have breakfast he wants to stop a store before we head for home thats fine so to make up for me getting upset the night before he is willing to buy me a item I had mentioned that I would like to have, that is a kind jesture sure, but you must understand with my H he thinks that buying me gifts makes everything alright he just doesn't get it that all I want is some of his time and for him to open up and talk to me. Well we head for home me driving again and him sleeping it was a very quiet two hours. He worked the late shift that night and had to be back to work at 10:00am on Sun. so about 8:50 I brought coffee into bed for him and thought we could spend a few minutes together before he headed out the door for the day NO WAY he wanted to sleep a little longer and this really would be no big deal but I can not tell you how many times I have been dead tired and he has asked me to get up and have coffee with him before work or stay up late with him while he works on his website and I have made the sacrifice all I wanted was a little of the same. Well by last night I just needed him to spend a few minutes talking to me I mean really talking none of this fake stuff that seems so shallow but all I got from him was I am sorry I just can't give you what you need. It would'nt hurt so bad but I know that he would talk to her he told me that was one thing he liked about her she was easy to talk to. I just don't understand why he could talk to her and not me. Right after he told me of the A for about the first two months he use to e-mail me and he found that easier but he does'nt even do that anymore. Needless to say I cried myself to sleep last night I feel so lonely!!!