billibob, I probabably am not the one to say don't throw in the towel yet it hasn't been too long since you found out about the A. I don't want to throw in the towel but I don't know how to stop the pain. Let me encourage you to keep trying and by doing so maybe I will help myself.

Well i'm still here. I went with my wife thur. to her second job ,which is taking care of a storage unit place ,that nite things didnt go well and I told her why I went, that she should be trying not to have time away where things could happen ,next nite I got ready ,dressed ,shoes on ,and even followed her to the truck, to see if she would invite me, she didnt, when she got home I went to the shower, she came in and it was like showering with a stranger, finished up, got out ,and she stayed in for 20 more min ,came down in her robe, got under the covers and went to sleep, no talking, no kisses ,noI love yous since she got home ,and slept in her robe, 20 years of marriage this aug ,and she's never slept in a robe ,I was pissed and let her know ,she said she knew I was on the internet all day, which I wasnt but I did leave the computer on line, she said she was affraid I was in here looking for a girl who has the same problem as I do, to replace her, she says Ive asked you a couple of times what you were thinking ,or where are you at, you seem a million miles away, she said I wont talk to her, but I'll come here and tell you all my thoughts and problems I told her its marriage builders not breakers ,I told her that the thought of doing what she had done entered my mind, but that there was no way I could do that ,I would have to divorce her first, before I could persue another, and even then would probably be some time after the d ,before I would even want to, if ever. I told her when I did try to talk that she didnt listen, or would get pissed with an attitude, so i didnt bother ,and yes I am posting here ,and if she wants to see it, its under my favorites and the name and password is in front of the computer ,and shes more than welcome to come look, Ive told her this since day 1 ,but she still hasnt been here. It seems everytime she does or says something to put me a step foward ,she does or says something to knock me back 3 or 4 ,and the reply from the om wife really bothers me

I think you need to reread the message from Tomaz.
It really sounds like she is playing you and is very hurtful and disrespectful to you. The more you accept this behavior the less respect she will have for you if that is possible. I wish you luck.

bilibob, I think it is common when one spouse cheats that the other spouse has thoughts of revenge. I have been married 26yrs and really have never (that I can remember) thought of having an affair. If I did think of it, I don't think I could have ever went through with it, but since my H A I too have had thoughts of finding someone that will make me feel special like he made her feel I think the difference is we know it will accomplish nothing and that it is wrong. Her accusing you of having someone on the internet maybe plain guilt on her part, she does not like how it feels that you can talk to someone else. She needs to relize that she can not continue like she is with out paying a high price and that may be the price of loosing her family and will it really be worth it. Stay strong.

well last nite was good, wife called from 1st job and asked if I wanted to go with her to second job,I said yes , she came home picked me up,we left the boys at home, we went to the storage lockers and she did her job, then we went out to dinner had a great time was able to smile ,went home, did a few things to get ready for our 18 year olds graduation party and cuddled in each others arms and fell asleep. it was all great but I hope she doesnt expect that all is forgotten, it isnt.

I'm glad last night went well for you those kind of days are so nice. My H did something strange a few days ago I think it was a gesture to show me that he really wants things to work out. My H has never wore a wedding band he has had many, as a matter of fact for our 21st anniversary I bought him one I was very excited about it he was not he wore it once in a while but not often. I do not even know what happened to that band he swears it is here somewhere but oh well. Anyway the other day we were both off and we went to the mall we had some things we needed to do pick up a birthday gift, I needed some work clothes ect. well he began to look at wedding bands I found this very strange because in the past every time I brought it up he would tell me he didn't really like bands he liked the rings he had. Needless to say by the end of the day he had bought a new ring it is really nice and when I asked him what brought this on he told me he knew that it ment a lot to me for him to wear a wedding band he wanted to do it for me. A nice gesture yes, but I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. He should have done this a long time ago not now but I think it was really more for him than me. Maybe he needed to show him self how much our M means to him after all he is the one that has nearly destroyed us.

my wife told me a few weeks ago that she wanted to loan a guy at work 400.00, I told her I didn't think it was a good idea that she didnt know the guy very well, last nite she told me she loaned him the money, I didn't say anything last nite because I was having a good time for a change, and didnt want to ruin it, well I told her tonite that I guess my opinion dont count,screw bill, Irene will do what she wants to, and with our money, now its the sielent treatment the rest of the night, no nothing. she told me the other day that I can come here and share but cant talk to her, well I was sharing at first, but was met with same reaction, and so I quit then I start back and same thing cant win ,dammed if I do dammed if I don't

I don't know what to tell you on this one I would be so angry if my H loaned money to another woman. My H is very generous and right now is not the time to be(we can't really afford it) he gave twenty dollars to some travlers down on thier luck who came into his store the other day that was nice but I told him then he can't save the whole world. If it had been that amount of money I would have come unglued. As for sharing I know what you mean I try to talk to my H about the real deep issues of hurt I am dealing with and all I get is have I told you how much I love you and how sorry I am. I told him that my whole life with him has been I'm sorry I said I should change my name to Ginger I'msorry.

well I went to the doctor for my back yesterday, he said everything looks great,then he told me ill be out of work ,staying at home for at least another month and a half, i started crying, he asked what was wrong ,I told him ,and said i just sit around with nothing to do but think about everything, he put me on anti depressants ,took the first 1 last nite ,no diff yet, he said it would take awhile

Good luck with the meds let me know if they help and how they make you feel. Same sort of thing happened to me shortly after D-day. I was at the dr. for something else and began to cry she gave me a started pack of zoloft I still have it I chose not to take them I'm affraid they will make me feel wierd and they are not going to take away what is causing my pain.

Hello billibob, thanks for the note I'm glad you got a good night sleep and no crying, today has been hard for me six months ago today he told me of the A. Maybe I'll stop crying tomarrow <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi all hope everyone is doing ok, me Im doing alright. My wife says the affair is over and she will never take a chance of losing me again, she says shes so sorry for causing me so much pain.I hope and pray it isn't another lie.I'm trying real hard to get past all the problems, I love her so much,and want to be with her the rest of my life. Good luck to all of you and thanks for all your posts, and support

billibob

p.s. A special thanks to gingersnap, I hope you get thru your problem I will keep you in my prayers

billibob-

Just read through your story and am sorry about your situation. I agree with some of the others that your W seems to think she can outwit you with regards to this A. I remember talking to a PI that I had following my XWW and he told me that most people involved in affairs think they can come up with innovative ways to hide the A but they all use the same tricks.

Keep working on yourself and maybe she'll begin to understand the consequences of her actions. You mentioned that you sent the OM's W a email about the affair but is there any other way you can confirm she knows? Any mutual friends you can discuss it with? He may very well have intercepted the email before she saw it. Make sure people know about this affair, it'll end up shortening the life of the relatioship between them. Good luck to you....

Thank you billibob you will never know how much your thank you means to me I just really needed that today.Good luck to you too keep us posted on how things are going. My H finally made a move in the right direction we are reading SAA outloud together and discussing our feelings WOW that is a big step for him.It is hard and some of the trueth of what he felt for OW is hard but I feel i need to know these things if I am ever going to trust him again.I think we are beginning our recovery.
Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm the cheater in the relationship - not proud of it...just a fact. Tell the OW. Not because she needs to know, but because it will make it harder for the two of them to get together. ANYTHING to make life more uncomfortable for your wife is gonna make "something" happen - don't know what it might be, but something is better than nothing.

Good luck

bad nite last nite,wife came home ,I was in the garage working, she said hi, I said hi, then she left, I had went in the house a couple of times and was talking to her, next thing I know she has a attitude, I asked her if I had done something wrong, she said she had come out to the garage and said hi but I didnt seem to want to talk, I told her I said hi ,I even came in a couple of times and told her about email from our adopted daughter,and some other things, she said she didnt hear me, I said I was sorry, I sent her an e-mail that said I love you, she read it and had no reply,so I told her I love you, and she said I love you to, I thought everything was ok ,we ate dinner, went downstairs finished watching a movie we had started watching the nite before, then it seemed like she had an attitude again ,so I asked her what was wrong this time? she said she thought I was still mad at her, I told her I wasn't then and I still wasn't, she rolled over with her back to me, didnt take care of my incison on my back no kiss, no I love yous ,nothing just went to sleep ,this morning she got up and went to take a shower, I got up and went out back and sat on the swing ,she finished getting ready and left out the front door to avoid me,I yelled as she was pulling out the drive ,what no goodbyes, no I love yous, no kiss ,but she just drove off,I jumped in the minivan and went after her, she would not pull over so I went around her and blocked the road, she said she didnt hear me she said it was all just a missunderstanding that she loves me I don't know what to think, I'm tired of all the thoughts ,Im tired of the constant battle within me ,my mind says to leave ,but my heart says to stay
she said the third time she was with him she asked herself what am i doing here? but she kept going back. (I don't understand) she said she didnt feel desired, but I came home from work every nite not running around bars or sports always faithfull to her, i worked my 8 hours and came home to her and my boys i always kiss ,and say i love you, i tell her how beautiful and sexy i thik she is. (I dont understand)
she said when I'm with him I can just be me, what was she when she was here? (I dont understand)
she could come home after being with him ,and look me in the eye, and say I love you. (I dont understand)
she could sit with me on the swing ,plant flowers, make plans for our house, tell me her desires, and be sleeping with him. (I dont understand)
she said the whole time the affair was going on she never stopped loving me, but I would have to stop loving her, and get divorced before I could be with another woman. (I dont understand)

I just don't understand Billibob

Have you sat down with her and calmly and quietly asked her what attracted her about the OM?

Hi billibob,
You have been gone for a long time.
Have you read any of the books suggested here? I bought SAA it is really good has helped me alot.I am a little confussed is the A over?
What ever happened after you told OM wife what was going on?
Your wife could be going through the withdraw of the A right now getting over the feelings she had for OM it is hard I know I think back at when my H was going through that I still question is he really over her or does he just say that.It all hurts I know.
Hows the back doing?

hi ginger. The back is ok ,they did a partial disectomy, i have another 2-4 weeks of auqa therapy and then have to go to work hardening before returning to work. As for the affair she isn't seeing him ,she thought it was ok to go bye herself running arrands and such for hours at a time, I got mad and told her this was unexceptable ,that she needed to take me or one of the boys ,she said, so I need a babysitter ,and I said she was looking at it the wrong way ,that if she meant what she said, that its over ,and she wants our marriage to work ,that she would do this to prove to me nothing is going on, so I wouldnt sit here wandering if she was with him, so she started taking someone with her,she has no time away by her self to meet with him but she could be calling him from work .I hope not ,I hope its over ,and we can get thru this, and get on with our lives. I emailed the om wife at work, and this is the reply I recieved .Bill I recieved your e-mail I speak for nick and myself we want no further contact with you irene or your family .I wander if om intercepted and sent reply, or if they have an open marriage, and they both cheat on each other, I think thats crazy with all the stds running around, well how are you? and hows your arm-shoulder? better I hope. how did you find out about the affair did you catch him or did he tell you? I think the marriage has a better chance of recovery if the spouse that is cheating gets a guilty cons. and admits to it. not finding out the hard way like I did well gotta go ,stuff to do billibob

billibob,

Good to see you back on the forum.
I know how hard it is to trust again we deal with the same issue.My H gets upset sometimes and I remind him that he is the reason I do not trust.I trusted him completely before his A,now anything strange and I ask questions he does not like it he deals with it and sometimes it turns into and arguement.

My arm is fine did I tell you about that?It turned out to be bursites it took about two weeks to get undercontrol it gets achey every now and then but for the most part it is ok.

My H told me about his A.He picked me up from work on night and said we needed to talk,he had been drinking.He asked me if I wanted our M to work.He told me he loved me but if I did not want to work on our M he had met someone else.You can imagine my shock and pain.I responded with something like oh you did,he then said you don't understand she makes alot of money and she really wants me.At that point I became very angry I ask if she lived here he said no she lived some where else I put two and two together and knew his little vacation was not what he said it was.I asked had he had sex with her he said no at first then he said once and finally told me they had sex two times while he was there.
He went to her state to meet her and she is married so they could not spend all thier time together she had to go home and pretty much act normal so her H would not suspect anything.

What I am not sure of is why he told me and that really bothers me.
1.If the affair was over why tell.I know it was not completly over when he told me.
2.Did he tell because he was going to leave me and then for some reason relized he still loved me and could not leave?
3.Or was it because her H found out or she told him and he threaten to tell me?

These are the possiblity's of why, he says out of guilt I don't buy it for some reason.

I think he was expecting me to get angry and throw him out and then he would be free to leave with out really being the bad guy and when I did not react that way he began to relize what he was doing.I really don't know he tells me all the time how much he loves me how sorry he is but some how I still feel so abandoned and hurt.I feel like I was his old worn out sofa and it was time to trade me in.I feel like everything I did for him for all those years ment nothing he could just trash it all like garbage and that bothers me.This A has made me feel like I am just trash and can be thrown away at anytime.