To begin with me and my H have been married for almost 10 years and have to children ages 8 and 6. We seperated last August and was seperated until February. I had an appointment with the lawyer to file for divorce on a Friday and on Thursday he got "Beat Up" because his girlfriends husband caught them meeting. Needless to say I had no clue, we were still having sex and he was spending more time with me and the girls than ever before (They were meeting during the day at work) she IS the secretary at his work place and her husband also works there. She stayed with her husband and Jeff wanted to try to make it work with me and I loved him so I let him come home. His view was that if he thought he would have had a chance with me he would have come home sooner but I had always told him that if he cheated on me we were through. Needless to say when it happens to you things are different. Well it has been almost 4 months and we communicate better, spend more time together, the sex is better, and I love him more than I ever have and actually feel loved by him BUT I still can't get past this. Did it actually take him having an affair to save our marriage, how much sense does that make, none to me. I hurt so bad sometimes I can't hardly breathe and I want him to hate her and he doesn't he has to see her and her husband everyday at work. Please help me with advise if you can.

Thanks

Hi Penny,

Welcome to MB. This is a good place to vent and know you are not alone.

Have you read the concepts here? They are very helpful.

I also read Surviving and Affair, I purchased it from the MB bookstore. His Needs/Her needs is also a good book.

I read part of Dr. Phil's book Marriage Rescue, what I read was good. I didn't have time to finish it before i had to return it.

There are other books that have been read, by others on this website, that are recommended. I have not had a chance to read them. I plan to.

You H wanting to come home and make it work is a good thing.

It takes a very long time to get past an A. It is very hurtful and destructive.

Are you okay with your H working at the same place she works? I suppose her H working there helps.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

As Sue says, recovery takes time. Think in terms of years (well, one year MINIMUM). You and he will have to find a way for him to end contact with her, or your chances for a lasting recovery are almost zero. Finding another job is the obvious solution, but I know that is not always easy or quick. For help along the path to recovery, click on the link in my signature line.

No I am not okay with him working with her and her husband but, they are being watched very carefully and that is the only reason her husband did not require her to quit, he figured he could watch her more closely if she continued to work there. My husband says that it does not bother him that when he sees her he just thinks of the pain they casued me and it makes him sick. But I mean you sleep with someone for 6 months plan a life with them then get caught and your all of a sudden over it. I DON'T THINK SO. I am so confused and hurt. Thanks for replying and trying to help hope to hear from you soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>Hi Penny,

Welcome to MB. This is a good place to vent and know you are not alone.

Have you read the concepts here? They are very helpful.

I also read Surviving and Affair, I purchased it from the MB bookstore. His Needs/Her needs is also a good book.

I read part of Dr. Phil's book Marriage Rescue, what I read was good. I didn't have time to finish it before i had to return it.

There are other books that have been read, by others on this website, that are recommended. I have not had a chance to read them. I plan to.

You H wanting to come home and make it work is a good thing.

It takes a very long time to get past an A. It is very hurtful and destructive.

Are you okay with your H working at the same place she works? I suppose her H working there helps.

I'm sorry you are going through this.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Penny,

You have him being remorseful in your favor.

I know it is confusing. You wonder How/why did he do this. What was so special about her that he could walk away from his family. Friends who have not been through this do not understand.

Are you guys in counseling?

Those who's M's have recovered from an A have said their M's are better than before the A. I know, it would be nice to skip the A part and have the great M part.

Your right some things seem so much better already and I try to just focus on the future and the way our marriage is now but at the oddest times the past comes up. Yes he is very remorseful and he is trying so hard. I do take part of the blame for driving him away, I was in college full-time and also working nights and weekends which left no time for us. Money is tight with me not working right now but I don't think our marriage could survive is I went back to work. I am in my last year of college and then I will be a teacher. The betrayal is just so hard to get over and I hate him having to see her everyday he is looking for another job, but he works for the State of Mississippi and he has been there for 6 years so it is hard to find something as stable with the benefits. I just still hurt so much and the mean side of me wants her to pay in some way but she never will. How do I get past the revenge part?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>Hi Penny,

You have him being remorseful in your favor.

I know it is confusing. You wonder How/why did he do this. What was so special about her that he could walk away from his family. Friends who have not been through this do not understand.

Are you guys in counseling?

Those who's M's have recovered from an A have said their M's are better than before the A. I know, it would be nice to skip the A part and have the great M part.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hello Pennyme, As I read your post there were some things you said that reminded me of my own situation. My H A did not last as long and he does not work with her (thank the lord) but he is so sorry he tells me often how he hates the pain he caused me. Sometimes when I look at him I say he looks like my H he acts like my H but there is just that something different it is knowing he slept with someone else. Like you many things in our M are better since the A and I have asked myself did it take this for us to work harder on our M. I try to stayed focused on the now but it seems like I am surrounded with reminders of what happened it is kind of strange I ask myself how could he say all those things to her go to meet her spend three days with her make plans for a life with her think of walking away from his family (i feel like he was going to abandon me)and then be over it!I don't understand because if he can be over it why can't I? It does help me right now to know that I am not alone. I wish I would have found this site five months ago and maybe I would be farther in my recovery than I am. Keep posting it has really helped me and made me focus on others more than just what is happening to me if I can say an encouraging word to someone then that is one more step in the right direction for me.

I would like to add that I too have those feelings of wanting her to pay for my pain. Maybe she is I will never know I guess. You may never know either but remember "Vengence is mine thus saith the Lord"

Your right the posting does help a lot. I have those exact feelings as I said earlier it is hard for me to be able to believe he can get over something so fast. He said that once it was all olut in the open he was able to see what he had done and what he almost lost and it scared him to death, I want to believe that but sometimes I think he was scared to be by hisself and if she would have just left her husband they would be together today. I also feel like sometimes he is trying to push me down his throat to get over her because he says he has no feelings for her so he's either lying or has covered them up someplace deep within. Our marriage does seem alot better now I just wish I knew for a fact he loved and wanted to be with me. Thanks for responding.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hello Pennyme, As I read your post there were some things you said that reminded me of my own situation. My H A did not last as long and he does not work with her (thank the lord) but he is so sorry he tells me often how he hates the pain he caused me. Sometimes when I look at him I say he looks like my H he acts like my H but there is just that something different it is knowing he slept with someone else. Like you many things in our M are better since the A and I have asked myself did it take this for us to work harder on our M. I try to stayed focused on the now but it seems like I am surrounded with reminders of what happened it is kind of strange I ask myself how could he say all those things to her go to meet her spend three days with her make plans for a life with her think of walking away from his family (i feel like he was going to abandon me)and then be over it!I don't understand because if he can be over it why can't I? It does help me right now to know that I am not alone. I wish I would have found this site five months ago and maybe I would be farther in my recovery than I am. Keep posting it has really helped me and made me focus on others more than just what is happening to me if I can say an encouraging word to someone then that is one more step in the right direction for me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I clicked on the site and it was very helpful I read some of it and will return to read more right now I sometimes feel it hard to read about the details of it thank you for your reply and he is looking for another job I also think that will help alot but who knows I still have trouble believing he can be over her this quick. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong>As Sue says, recovery takes time. Think in terms of years (well, one year MINIMUM). You and he will have to find a way for him to end contact with her, or your chances for a lasting recovery are almost zero. Finding another job is the obvious solution, but I know that is not always easy or quick. For help along the path to recovery, click on the link in my signature line.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pennyme, My H is the same way and it makes me confussed at times I have never had so many flowers and cards in all my marraige and I have been married for 26yrs. If he would have done these things before his A I would have never gotten to the point of not wanting to do for him. I too like you question is all of this out of guilt or love? The hardest part for me is the pain it is there it has not gone away some days are better than others but this is the thing he can't deal with, my emotions. He doesn't understand why I still cry he thinks all is well. It is not, but I am trying I will keep posting so I can at least get my feelings off my chest and you do the same. Talk to you later.

Pennyme,

Venting helps to move foward, just don't get stuck in the venting stage, or in an anger stage.

My H and I never resolved issues from 8 years ago, so I was a very angry person. Of course my H thinks that ignore it, and it will go away. Unless you try to resolve it his way. If it is his way, than all is okay. So, most of the time, we end up with everything unresolved.

He recently made a comment that almost had a vase thrown at him. Instead I stared at him in disbelief that he said what he said. "I let you let things slide without saying anything about how you were slacking in the house work. I tolerated it because you were in school" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm thinking to myself, and you don't know how to run the vacuum cleaner, or pick up after your lazy fat butt. Boy, if this is doing me favor, please don't do me any for real. I may not be able to handle the shock

My husband is the same way to get past something just forget about it and it will go away. I am so not that way and I don't want unresolved feelings to come back and bite me in the butt a year from now. I try to get him to open up to me but he says he has no feelings left for her and he is happy it is all over with and it wasn't worth it. But it hurts that he could open up with her and talk about all of our problems but he can't talk about her with me. Of course he didn't really know her that well they spend 6 months seeing each other, and in all that time the most time they ever spent together was 4 hours. How can you be in love with someone without spending more time with them than that? Thanks for the response

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Pennyme, My H is the same way and it makes me confussed at times I have never had so many flowers and cards in all my marraige and I have been married for 26yrs. If he would have done these things before his A I would have never gotten to the point of not wanting to do for him. I too like you question is all of this out of guilt or love? The hardest part for me is the pain it is there it has not gone away some days are better than others but this is the thing he can't deal with, my emotions. He doesn't understand why I still cry he thinks all is well. It is not, but I am trying I will keep posting so I can at least get my feelings off my chest and you do the same. Talk to you later.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Do you mean he actually said that to you? My H hasn't said anything like that. I to have a hard time getting him to open up. And that is my biggest fear is not resolving the issues now and it coming back to bite me in the butt a year or so from now. Or me giving him a few more years of my life and he does this to me again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>Pennyme,

Venting helps to move foward, just don't get stuck in the venting stage, or in an anger stage.

My H and I never resolved issues from 8 years ago, so I was a very angry person. Of course my H thinks that ignore it, and it will go away. Unless you try to resolve it his way. If it is his way, than all is okay. So, most of the time, we end up with everything unresolved.

He recently made a comment that almost had a vase thrown at him. Instead I stared at him in disbelief that he said what he said. "I let you let things slide without saying anything about how you were slacking in the house work. I tolerated it because you were in school" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm thinking to myself, and you don't know how to run the vacuum cleaner, or pick up after your lazy fat butt. Boy, if this is doing me favor, please don't do me any for real. I may not be able to handle the shock</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pennyme, Reading your post is like listening to myself talk. My H is the same way don't talk about it all is well. Not me I want to talk I want to know why she was so interesting like you I want to know why he could tell her everything about me(weather true or false) but he could tell me nothing about her I felt like he wanted to protect her but who was there to protect me! I too want to get past the anger but it just isn't happening right now.

It amazes me at how alike alot of us are!! I feel the exact same way I mean what was she perfect all he ever told her was bad things about me and he doesn't even want to discuss her other than to say he's over her and the situation. I am not to the point to where I can just let go of the hurt yet either I just hope it eventually comes I want our marriage to work but sometimes I feel like I could get over him better and faster than I could the affair. Know what I mean ?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Pennyme, Reading your post is like listening to myself talk. My H is the same way don't talk about it all is well. Not me I want to talk I want to know why she was so interesting like you I want to know why he could tell her everything about me(weather true or false) but he could tell me nothing about her I felt like he wanted to protect her but who was there to protect me! I too want to get past the anger but it just isn't happening right now.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Pennyme, Yes in a way I do know what you mean at first I wanted to prove to him how much better I was than her.

The first month I did everything and anything he wanted. I would cry alot and that would make him get angry and say mean things to me and I would stop crying. The second month was not much better I spent most of my time trying to find stuff out and I did I found e-mails he had saved and some she sent him. The third month I still tried everything to please him completly forgetting of myself or anyone else around me it was all about him.

Today five months later I think of me I don't know if I could live alone I do believe I am in Love with my H or I would not hurt so much I still cry almost everyday, I say how could he have done this. I asked him today if he stayed only because of the way I reacted sometimes I feel like I ruined there plans by not kicking him out you see my H never wants to be the bad guy. If I kicked him out then he would not be the bad guy I would be. He tells me that he thought of all he would be giving up the life we built together children,grandchildren so many memories he told me he just could not see him self starting over. He tells me how he thinks of how long we have been together (since high school) how we really grew up together and we did, but I want him here because he loves me not because we have a lifetime of memories. For me I don't know which would be easier this pain or life without him and on my own. He makes me so angry at times because I feel like he just does not get it. I don't know today I just don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I know what you mean, my H says he is where he wants to be but you know I will always wonder. If he hadn't got caught where would he be, not with her because I do not believe she would have left her husband, but it would have been so much easier if he had told me rather than him getting caught (Her husband caught them meeting at a park on luch hour and beat my husband up pretty bad) it has been almost four months for me and i still hurt everyday. And I still want her life to be miserable like mine is right now and I guess that is so wrong!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hi Pennyme, Yes in a way I do know what you mean at first I wanted to prove to him how much better I was than her.

The first month I did everything and anything he wanted. I would cry alot and that would make him get angry and say mean things to me and I would stop crying. The second month was not much better I spent most of my time trying to find stuff out and I did I found e-mails he had saved and some she sent him. The third month I still tried everything to please him completly forgetting of myself or anyone else around me it was all about him.

Today five months later I think of me I don't know if I could live alone I do believe I am in Love with my H or I would not hurt so much I still cry almost everyday, I say how could he have done this. I asked him today if he stayed only because of the way I reacted sometimes I feel like I ruined there plans by not kicking him out you see my H never wants to be the bad guy. If I kicked him out then he would not be the bad guy I would be. He tells me that he thought of all he would be giving up the life we built together children,grandchildren so many memories he told me he just could not see him self starting over. He tells me how he thinks of how long we have been together (since high school) how we really grew up together and we did, but I want him here because he loves me not because we have a lifetime of memories. For me I don't know which would be easier this pain or life without him and on my own. He makes me so angry at times because I feel like he just does not get it. I don't know today I just don't know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Pennyme, Have you talked to the OW? I did we talked on the phone for two hours one night. I called her it was hard I was nervous she answered some questions some she did not. I told her some truths about my H that somehow had slipped his mind she got pretty quiet at those times. I did tell her that I needed to find a way to forgive her I don't know if that has truely happened yet but in some ways I felt bad for her. After all if she really was in love with my H and thought that they were going to start a life together and then he changed his mind after telling me I'm sure she was hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That is not nice of me to put that face right there but that is how I feel. Plus I think of what she did to her self after all now she is a cheater I am not. What they did was selfish and in itself very painful I am sure so I try to think that she is hurting to. I know that she was very hurt because her own H had an A I think thats why she did what she did it was revenge I just don't know if she planned on getting so emotonally involved. Anyway it helps to think that she has her own pain, I might add that she did tell me at the end of our conversation how sorry she was for what she had done to me. That helped me some but what I will never understand is and I told her this if you knew how bad it hurt how could you do that to another woman!!! I like to think that I will always be a little better person than her after all I am not a cheater!

Yes, I have talked to the OW on several occasions and she too has tried to help me get through this her husband also cheated on her so I felt like my husband was probably pay back but now I'm not sure because I have heard this was not her first affair. As I said earlier I wanted all of the details so I got them from both of them (Bad idea) She has talked with me everytime I have called and sometimes I still want to talk to her but I think she got tired of discussing it. I would like to know now that it has been four months has she discovered anything new about her feelings and how she feels about my H now after the fact. My H says that they confused alot of feelings for love but that it was never real love in the first place but who knows I guess only the two of them. I know it has to be hard to work where the all work everyday. (My husband, her husband, and her) all state employees in the maintainence department, she's the secretary. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Pennyme, Have you talked to the OW? I did we talked on the phone for two hours one night. I called her it was hard I was nervous she answered some questions some she did not. I told her some truths about my H that somehow had slipped his mind she got pretty quiet at those times. I did tell her that I needed to find a way to forgive her I don't know if that has truely happened yet but in some ways I felt bad for her. After all if she really was in love with my H and thought that they were going to start a life together and then he changed his mind after telling me I'm sure she was hurt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That is not nice of me to put that face right there but that is how I feel. Plus I think of what she did to her self after all now she is a cheater I am not. What they did was selfish and in itself very painful I am sure so I try to think that she is hurting to. I know that she was very hurt because her own H had an A I think thats why she did what she did it was revenge I just don't know if she planned on getting so emotonally involved. Anyway it helps to think that she has her own pain, I might add that she did tell me at the end of our conversation how sorry she was for what she had done to me. That helped me some but what I will never understand is and I told her this if you knew how bad it hurt how could you do that to another woman!!! I like to think that I will always be a little better person than her after all I am not a cheater!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">