I try to tell him these same things but he just doesn't understand. I am with you on the closure thing. I told him that I understand if they had to meet to end it for good because I too believe that he is just scared to be around her because he is scared of what he might still feel. I haven't read any of the books but I have a four tapes that I have listened to called "Affairs: Before and After". But it hurts a lot to just listen to them. I have to figure out how to get through this and that makes so much sense to me about if you still need to talk about it then you haven't talked enough. But it is hard to make him or her talk to me about it. I feel like I bother her when I call but she is nice enough, but I read a lot into everything. It took me talking to her for almost a month before she would tell me she didn't love my husband. At first she said she wasn't sure and then finally she said they confused alot of feelings for love but it wasn't love. Who knows I sure don't. Talk to you later

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hi Pennyme, How are you today?Me a little better not so good earlier.
Have you bought any of the books they suggest here? If not take my advise order a few they really help you see that your feelings are all very normal.I just read yesterday in the book "Torn asunder"that said if one spouse still has the need to talk about the A then you have not talked enough.Boy did that make me feel good.You see there is nothing wrong with us we are just hurting like we have never hurt before.

We can not believe the man that we gave our life to could just seemingly throw it all away.
My H tells me the guilt he feel is unbearable at times I'm sure your H feels the same he says thats why he doesn't like to talk about it.But he even said that after reading a little in the book SAA it helped him relize that the feelings he was having then were feelings others have had he did not feel so alone anymore.

I understand about the closure thing my H just stopped talking to her or answering her e-mails.I wanted to send her a letter telling her it was all a big mistake and so on, you get the idea.He would never do it I feel like he just could not say good bye to her.I feel like it is still open that if he were to contact her again she would be open to starting up the relationship.However when I talked to her she said they both agreed that they were in comitted relationships and they were going to each give the marriages one more try.
But I wonder everyday if he called her what would she say.I asked her are you in love with my H and her reply was "I won't answer that question"what does that tell you?

I am there right beside you with all the same feelings you are not alone.I am so glad you are back here posting.Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to just talk. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I do not ever think I will know all of the truth. I know there are things they haven't told me. But how do you get to the truth? He says I know everything and so does she it's just a feeling I have. It is also harder because she lives 7 miles down the road, works where he works, and mostly she doesn't seem to be hurting at all. Is it so wrong to want someone else to feel what you are feeling, but that type of woman probably isn't capable of these feelings.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sue with hope:
<strong>Pennyme,

Burying the truth will not help you get over it. It is another form of denial. To get over something, it quicker and helpful to have the truth and closure. The more you talk about something, the easier it gets everytime. There are those who go overboard and obsess, but it would have to be going on for years to be at that point.

It is like grieving the loss of a loved one. You feel better when you talk about that person. For some reason, grieving over the death of a loved one is acceptable. And this is like grief. You are grieving, the loss of what you believed to be true.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Pennyme, How are you today?

Last night was real hard for me,my son is home on his last home pass before he comes home to stay in about three weeks.He has been in a program because he had gotten involved in drugs a lot of the stress of that situation is what led to the marriage problems we were having when he had the A.

Anyway my son went out last night I was a nervous wreck with worry and my H was on his computer with his head phones on and I was in bed and all of the sudden this flood of emotion came on me every thing felt like it did when he was involved with her and I just could not handle it.

I began to cry, my H came into the room to ask what was wrong and I just lost it I told him I don't think I can handle the stress any longer with our son coming home I am so worried.I woke up this morning with that awful knot in my stomache you know the one, the one you got right after D-day.Well for me its back. I don't know what I am going to do.

As for the OW I still feel like she is somewhere just around the corner I just cant see her. I think it is the trust issue,because I don't fully trust him yet it is hard for me to believe he is over her.

Talk to you soon.

ps.I wonder what happened to blonde ambition?I hope she is ok.

I am so sorry that you have to go through and affair and all of this with your son. I will be thinking of you. I know what you are talking about last night was awful for me to. I cried so much my left eye was swollen shut this morning. I feel so stupid. Well for me the OW is just right around the corner or rather 7 miles up the road. I think I am also just really paranoid. I don't see how my H could be over her when he had a 6 month relationship with her, told her he loved her, and planned a future with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Hi Pennyme, How are you today?

Last night was real hard for me,my son is home on his last home pass before he comes home to stay in about three weeks.He has been in a program because he had gotten involved in drugs a lot of the stress of that situation is what led to the marriage problems we were having when he had the A.

Anyway my son went out last night I was a nervous wreck with worry and my H was on his computer with his head phones on and I was in bed and all of the sudden this flood of emotion came on me every thing felt like it did when he was involved with her and I just could not handle it.

I began to cry, my H came into the room to ask what was wrong and I just lost it I told him I don't think I can handle the stress any longer with our son coming home I am so worried.I woke up this morning with that awful knot in my stomache you know the one, the one you got right after D-day.Well for me its back. I don't know what I am going to do.

As for the OW I still feel like she is somewhere just around the corner I just cant see her. I think it is the trust issue,because I don't fully trust him yet it is hard for me to believe he is over her.

Talk to you soon.

ps.I wonder what happened to blonde ambition?I hope she is ok.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

OH MY! This is my life my husband is the same. I just found out 2 weeks ago and he says he loves me and realizes that he had no feelings for her. ( he says he was just living in fantasy world)How can you live in a fantasy for 2 yrs(they only met three times and most was phone and internet) but it lasted so long thats what I can't understand.He is open and ohnest and will tell me anything I want to know about her. But as for meeting my emotional needs as he did so well before all of this he is a little slow. Some days he does some days he doesn't. I wonder if some of this is just in my eyes cuz I am so hurt. I hope you find your way to healing as so do I. Reading alot here has helped me.

Oh yeah, when have you asked enough questions and have any of you had to deal with family members? My H works for my family and all this internet crap went on in their office and they are very angry at him and he is having a hard time dealing with it. She called the office many times and my mother kept telling me something was up and I was in denial for a whole year. Its been a year since he's seen her but they talked about 3 times a week. My mother thinks I should leave him and that I can never forgive him. My heart says I love him and could never be with out him but my brain says How could a decent person do something like this. Do I want to surround my life with people like this?He might just think one day he can do it again.Or do I belive that we can truly be better then before?(most people envied my marriage and wished they had a husband who "met so many emotional needs and put so much in my Love Bank which made me fill his every day also)When you call this a rollercoaster ride I am sure I am riding right up there in the front with you but I want off and soon!

Pennyme,I feel the same way my H's A was for about5 or 6 months altogether same thing he finally told me that yes he did talk to her about starting a life together he had never told me this before the first time was the other day. I feel like I am starting over with day one of just finding out.I too say how can you neglect your family for all that time and my H did neglect me he was so involved with her he never talked to me he even forgot my birthday.I wonder how she feels she said she loved him wanted to start her life over with him they talked about him moving to her state. I feel like he has abandonded me even though he is here.He made plans to just walk away from our life and leave me to deal with all the problems I hate him for that.I was thinking all of this today it makes me crazy I want to cry I want him to hurt I want her to hurt.I am so sorry I am starting to really vent I think this has been iside me too long and I have been pretending it didn't hurt but it does.I feel so lonely.

THIF:welcome do you have a thread? If not start one so we can read your story and maybe help you out some.

Yes, I know what you mean. For me my H was always around the first three months we were seperated he was at my house every night until around 10:00. THen I still saw him everyday and it wasn't me he would call me as soon as he got in from work ask if he could come over or if I would come to his house. I had classes on Mondays and Wednesdays so he kept our girls on those nights and when I would go to pick them up on my way home he would beg me to stay a while or even the night. So you can see how confusing this all was for me. He only saw her on the weekends that I worked (Sat with an elderly lady from Friday to Sunday every other weekend) and they could only met up then if her husband was gone. They would leave work at dinner and met until time to go home at 4:30 they never spent over four hours at a time together. He slept with ME more than her during this time I just don't understand it. My mom told me that if her had been all that happy with her and was looking forward to the life they would spend together that he would not have been coming around me so much I want to believe that but I just don't know.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by gingersnap:
<strong>Pennyme,I feel the same way my H's A was for about5 or 6 months altogether same thing he finally told me that yes he did talk to her about starting a life together he had never told me this before the first time was the other day. I feel like I am starting over with day one of just finding out.I too say how can you neglect your family for all that time and my H did neglect me he was so involved with her he never talked to me he even forgot my birthday.I wonder how she feels she said she loved him wanted to start her life over with him they talked about him moving to her state. I feel like he has abandonded me even though he is here.He made plans to just walk away from our life and leave me to deal with all the problems I hate him for that.I was thinking all of this today it makes me crazy I want to cry I want him to hurt I want her to hurt.I am so sorry I am starting to really vent I think this has been iside me too long and I have been pretending it didn't hurt but it does.I feel so lonely.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Penny,

Just thought I would give you a reply back here as well. Hang in there!!!! If you have read Dr H "Surviving an Affair" It does take time and I know that it is HARD but try to put the bad aside and try to believe in him. If you focus on being positive and meeting his needs he will be more drawn to you and then eventually the good things that you need will come back in return. Has he read "His Needs Her Needs"? Maybe you could give it as a gift along with something else special that ranks high on his needs list....
I'm praying for you!!!!!!
Thanks for replying to my post!!!! I REALLY appreciate knowing that there is someone who is experiencing something so similar to me.

It has been a really tough couple of days I can't seem to focus on anything positive. I feel like my husband doesn't know me at all and I feel like I am slowly sinking to the bottom </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by his4ever:
<strong>Penny,

Just thought I would give you a reply back here as well. Hang in there!!!! If you have read Dr H "Surviving an Affair" It does take time and I know that it is HARD but try to put the bad aside and try to believe in him. If you focus on being positive and meeting his needs he will be more drawn to you and then eventually the good things that you need will come back in return. Has he read "His Needs Her Needs"? Maybe you could give it as a gift along with something else special that ranks high on his needs list....
I'm praying for you!!!!!!
Thanks for replying to my post!!!! I REALLY appreciate knowing that there is someone who is experiencing something so similar to me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hey Penny
You just said my exact thoughts that is it, my H just does not know me and I feel like he doesnt even try to learn how to make me happy or what makes me who I am.