I just had a thought...
In my case, the OWs are women who are oppsite from me
1)they are very conscious of their appearrence, oodle of make up. I am, or was, fairly secure in my appearance.
2)they worked out endlessly cause they felt they needed to. I am unfortunate enough to not be able to put on weight if my life depended on it. And I look like I work out.
3)they are permissive and indulgent parents, trying to "buy" their children's attention and affection. I am a parent who beieves in boundries and guidance, with consequences for both undesirable and desirable behavior.
4)They have and have had marital relationships that are to some extent abusive, mentally, and unsupportive, you had better change. This is where we are the same. But my H doesn't see him self in this role. Though, they did just become doormats and I refuse to be a doormat.
5) they are "career" women. There fore, independant. I am, by mutual agreement with my H, a stay at home mom.

So, even from the perspective of the OWs who are reading this thread, is this a common situation? The wife and the OW being opposites?

Yes, I agree.

When I found out about the A and we talked my H told me that she was "really a nice person" and under different circumstance that we would be "good friends".

How could I have been good friends with someone who could break up 21 years of marriage.

He was barking mad............

I just read a post in another thread that suggested that a spouse has an affair because they have lost respect for the BS. Suggested BS hadn't any backbones and were whiny snivelers cause they were so afraid of a divorce. I was a little miffed to say the least. I know personally several types of BSs, the weak mousey one, the independant resourseful ones, the trophy wife ones, etc. I don't think it has to do with how the betrayer sees the BS. I think it has more to do with finding an affair partner that mirrors who the betraying spouse sees when they look in the mirror. There is NEVER an excuse of an affair. therefore, why are they digging so low?
I think that thread is WHAT DID YOU DO WHEN YOU FOUND OUT in just found out.
I want to know what anyone, BSs OWs, offenders, recovering, still guilty, fully recovered, anyone thinks.

2nd,

I think that the backboneless BS theory is bogus. It puts the responsibility for the affair on the BS, which is a abhorrent. It also assumes that all BS’s, WS’s and affairs are alike. Affairs have NOTHING to do with who the BS is, what the BS does or does not do. As Harley says, affairs occur because the WS is in the taker mode and because the WS fails to protect their vulnerabilities.

An affair occurs because the WS is in a selfish, self-indulgent state. Even when the BS has done things to push the WS away this is the case. Even in cases in which the BS has grossly neglected or abused the WS, so the WS feels justified in the affair for those reasons, the BS still has nothing to do with the choice the WS made to have an affair. The WS could have obtained a divorce before they started dating and looking for another partner.

An affair is a willful act by the WS for little to no concern about the BS.

thank you Z, that's what i thought and needed tp hear it from others cause the whole situation sure does leave me feeling like i am about to go simply insane. I am still curious what (i think it was)Tomaz (please forgiive if I am wrong) meant by that statement in the thread that I read it in and what was T's angle? is T a BS? a WS? a coconspirateor? What?

i really liked what 2ndfiddle said about the mirror image. my h felt like a loser and he chose a loser, he felt she was better suited for him at the time. this comes from his mouth, not my assumption. this was said about his second affair partner. she is also quite opposite in manner and looks then me. she liked to do the same things my h thought he wanted, smoke, drink, casual sex, party, travel...life is one big hedonist adventure. their slogan was "just do it" he "loved" her for 2 months, then grew to hate her and her irresponsible "psycho" ways.

affairs are crazy making all the wayaround! i was a wimp by the second affair because i had just had a baby and his behavior was cruel and belittleing. it did not take long for me to get angry and stand up for myself however. affairs are all about the people having them. i was a good wife, pretty, smart, good mom, cook, kept a clean house. was a good hostess, my h's friends thought i was great, we laughed at eachothers jokes, had a lot of sex...it was about him and his emptiness that no one could fill. of course i take responsibilty for my fears and lack of communication.

I am certain that I am going to get a lot of disagreements with this post but here goes.

It seems to be a common opinion that the OW (or could be OM) ruined the marriage. The OW has no ties to the family, did not take a vow to be faithful, and has no responsibilty to the BS. She made a choice to be in a relationship with a MM but he is the one that betrayed his family and broke his vows. I find it laughable at some of the BS's that say that if women weren't willing to be the OW, their marriages would be rosey.

There are also several posts here that mention how great the marriage was until the OW came along. Do we really believe that we had a great marriage with our husbands and then a floozy came along and ruined everything? Are we really in this much denial?

I have been on both sides of the card. I have been the BS and the WS. I can tell you without a doubt that when I was the WS it was my decision and there is no one else to blame for the decision I made to cheat on my H.

Put the blame where the blame belongs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

skittles, you are right!
unfortunately, once in a while, there comes along a OW or OM that does become a mutual homewrecked. I hate those. Sorta pushing the game to a bigger thrill, i guess. Is it about power and control in a personal world gone mad?

Kat and everyone else,
I did not read the whole thread but enough to know what it is all about and I too have asked myself over and over how could she have done this? But I have also asked how could my H have done this?

One writer wrote about the state of our M when the A happened I still do not believe this is a reason to cheat after all in my case, like I have pointed out to my H I was in the same life as him, disapointments,hardships,and OUR marraige problems,but I unlike him knew that we would eventually work them out we were just in a bad place then.

He on the other hand tried to use the exuse he did not think I loved him anymore why would he think that we had been together through thick and thin for 25yrs,what we were dealing with at the time was no different.

My point is this after he told me of the A it was like he was protecting her I hated that, but little by little he began to tell me more about her at first I thought she was single,it turned out she was married also and her H had cheated on her about 8months before her PA with my H.

When I talked to her on the phone she told me her "SAD" story of her H's A, and all I could do was say "If you already knew the pain how in the world could you do that to someone else"?
I'm sure it won't surprise many to know she could not answer my question.
My H insisted that she was a very wonderful person I say wonderful people don't cheat and hurt the one they promised to be faithful to for life that way! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Anyone out there agree!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

i completely blame my h. that doesn't mean i have to think ow was a wonderful person!!!!!!!!!!!she was married with 2 kids but seperated from her h because he cheated on her and she didn't want to forgive him or work on her m.

every affair is different. there is no way to make a blanket statement. my m lacked honest communication, both of us feared confrontation. but it was not a miserable, unhappy m.

i don't think anything is laughable when it comes to affairs. some bs have to blame ow in order to work on their m. later, they often figure out it was the h's responsibility to protect the m.

DofP, I like what you said about it being the WS responsibility to protect the M. Last night my H and I were having a discussion,now I had promised not to bring up the A but this time he did so I felt it ok to talk about it.

He has a problem with me not being over it already he says forget and move on I say it's not that easy,anyway like I told him he brought the OW into my life into our M I didn't ask for him to do that there for he is responsible for the pain and suffering we are now going through and trying to work through.I feel like he did not protect me or my family at all,and that really bothers me.I have always in every situation tried to protect him,even now I have told nobody so in everyones eyes that knows us he is still just that great guy that I'm married to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Good point.

It's weird. I talked to WH about what he would have done if I was the one who had the affair and he said it would have depended on the circumstances and if I was the one who told him instead of him discovering clues or someone else telling him. If it was someone he was close to then he said he would be very hurt and betrayed. Makes him understand my position with his EMA. Our friend is convinced he would leave me if I cheated. WH does not like to talk about A because he does not wnat to be reminded of the hurt he caused me but also because he wants us to move forward with the baby coming. He wants to learn what our weaknesses are and work on them so this never happens again. I have reached a level of acceptance with the A but it does not mean the hurt has gone and that I trust him. I still question his whereabouts but he knows that piece will take a long time to heal and he is patient with it.

Because of my own experience, I would rather split than cheat on my significant other. Kids or no kids, I would need to do the best thing for me and him and the kids. Sometimes, kids need to see relationships may need to split for them to be healthy again. (My parents stayed married for years and are very bitter because they stayed together because of us kids- their fault not ours)

I talked to my best friend who just disclosed to me that she is having an affair on her husband. I was shocked but not overly so. The husband is a jackarse. I hated him the day I met him. For her, her husband will be very vindictive and she would have left him 3 yrs ago if it wasn't for their kids and the fact that he is so emotional abusive. She is absolutely miserable. She said if her and her husband had met now they would not have even dated, she is sure he cheated on her several times and she actually said a part of her doesn't care. The guy she is seeing is also married but their circumstance is different. I think he is a husband that has his cake and is eating it too. A creep to me and I told my friend that. I told her if she is that unhappy and she truely feels there is no hope for her marriage it is better for her to just leave. She has so many people who will support her in this. We all told her to dump this guy when we met him.

What she is doing is not right and her husband should know, but she should be the one to tell him. I won't do it (she is my best freind and has been for almost 15 yrs) She does not want to leave him for the OM, but I do think she has a fear of being alone. I don't think OM will leave his wife but man is this whole situation just sad to see. I truly believe some (not all) people get married for the wrong reasons.

I don't know what more to tell my friend but shockingly enough, it has been healing for me to talk to her about all of this. She asked me if I hated her because what she is doing is wrong and I am still hurting from my own experience. I told her that she needed to do something about this, but no I don't hate her. This A needs to be addressed and I told her that, she is hurting the other man's wife and that is VERY wrong. I can only give her my thoughts on this and told her just because she does not care if her husband cheats that is not the case for this other woman.

What a mess...

I ask myself that question alot the woman my husband cheated on me with has 2 children and has been married for 14 years and we have been married for 10 years with two children. Both couples were having problems at home and they found companionship with each other. Well her husband found out and then my husband wanted me back. But I ask all the time how does she feel now about what she did.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KatHurt:
<strong>What kind of woman tries to/breaks up a marriage?

Is it just me, am I old fashion but I cannot understand what goes through a woman's mind when she is having an affair with a married man.

In my case she was married too(for 3 years). No kids. She knew that my H loved and cared madly for his kids but she continued to play a part in this dirty farce. I am not saying that my H is not partly to blame too but you do not take what is not yours........

How does she feel now I wonder, now that we are together and trying to recover with all our might. Will she realise how little the sordid A meant to him?

What kind of morals do these females have?

View please?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I agree, I blams him more than her because he was the one that is married to me and made vows with me. As for her husband he blames my husband. But I don't leave her blameless either she knew what she was doing and she presued him knowing he had a wife and two kids at home.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by skittles:
<strong>I am certain that I am going to get a lot of disagreements with this post but here goes.

It seems to be a common opinion that the OW (or could be OM) ruined the marriage. The OW has no ties to the family, did not take a vow to be faithful, and has no responsibilty to the BS. She made a choice to be in a relationship with a MM but he is the one that betrayed his family and broke his vows. I find it laughable at some of the BS's that say that if women weren't willing to be the OW, their marriages would be rosey.

There are also several posts here that mention how great the marriage was until the OW came along. Do we really believe that we had a great marriage with our husbands and then a floozy came along and ruined everything? Are we really in this much denial?

I have been on both sides of the card. I have been the BS and the WS. I can tell you without a doubt that when I was the WS it was my decision and there is no one else to blame for the decision I made to cheat on my H.

Put the blame where the blame belongs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

All,
I have spent the last 2+ hours reading this entire posting. I have digested alot from being on this forum for the last month plus. I only wish I had found this site (and the books) 5 years ago.

To read my story, click my link in my signature.

"DIVORCE IS THE WORST FORM OF CHILD ABUSE."

This is a quote from a training I did last June; The Sterling Men's Weekend. Right now, my W and I are separated and I know it is killing the C. I am dying inside trying to repair the M for the C, my W and myself.

I am the WS. I am 100% RESPONSIBLE for the A I had. The OW was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. If not for this OW, I might have been able to see the problems and fix my M ( show and have some backbone ). If I didn't take the actions to fix my M, another OW would/might have came along. It doesn't matter what my W did or didn't do to/with me in the M. I did not communicate my needs to her and I thought I was satisfying her needs. This was my perception and is not an excuse.
MY AFFAIR WAS A SELFISH ACT UNTO MYSELF. I DID NOT CARE ABOUT MY W's FEELINGS OR MY FAMILY. I MADE EXCUSES/JUSTIFICATIONS FOR HAVING THE A.

As for the OW. She was going through an S towards a D at the time, and we both found a shoudler to cry on. Again, more excuses for me. It started as an EA and went PA in about 1.5 months. She even said in the beginning that she felt bad for my W because she was doing to her what her STBXH had/was doing to her (they were still occassionally sleeping together during our A). Then after it went PA, she would ridicule my W.

When I told my W about the A (3.5 years after it ended) she called the OW and gave it to her. I was pissed then, but I fully understand it now. Her actions towards me are understandable. That doesn't make it easy though. I still want to blame her for me having the A. BUT SHE IS NOT TO BLAME.

Who is to blame?
Me. I could have said "No." and I chose not to. I could/should have protected the M from these things happening. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it (alone).

I only pray that through God's help, the support I get from the posters here, my actions with the C, my interactions with my W, that I can save my M.

Zorweb,
You're great. You write with so much compassion for what is right. You take people to task. You discuss your own foibles.

The OP's out there. Stop going after MP. Don't be a shoulder for us WS to cry on. When a MP approached, tell them to work it out with thier S, a MC or therapist, or a friend of the same sex as the MP. I don't believe all OP deliberately try to break up a M; however, once you know that the person you are interested in is married. Let it go. You can/should get your EN's fulfilled elsewhere.

I will say one thing biblical, if I may. I am Catholic and I will not pretend to know what other Christian denominations profess. Nor will I pretend to have followed the teaches fully (I am a WS). I read the Douay-Rheims version of the Bible. It has to be a version before the 1950's (before Vatican Council II).

During mass, the priest says...
"Glory to God in the highest and peace to his people on earth."

However, in the Bible it states...
Luke 2:14
"Glory to God in the highest: and on earth peace to men of good will."

How do I show 'good will' to God? Prayer, repentence, good works, following the 10 Commandments.
I am heartfully sorry for the things I have done to destroy my M. NONE of it was right or justified.

I have pontificated <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> long enought tonight. It's past midnight here in NJ and I have to get up by 5 am. I welcome all the fire and brimstone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> from the OP's, BS' and WS' out there.

TTSMM

I blame both of them.

Primarily it is my H's fault; he made the vow to me, and he ignored all the warning signs leading up to it. He's in a profession that is notorious for A's, and he also was a terribly unfaithful boyfriend to everyone except me. He claims that after the EA escalated to the one day it turned into a PA, he really had no concept of what it meant to be committed to someone, but that afterward it hit him like a ton of bricks.

However, I also blame her. In my case, OW was someone who always was "after" my H, both before and after we were married. Yes, she was in that haze of being infatuated, but I think she always felt that I was in her place. One time when I was talking to her about H in a very casual way, she sat straight up and said, "I can't believe you talk to him that way." (I was talking about one of our jokes...not something that was offensive in any way.) The unsaid thing behind all of our conversations has been, "You don't deserve him, and I would treat him better." In talking to some of the people we know in common, to a person they all think she's in incredibly deep denial about my relationship with H, and that she believes that it is horrible even though no one else thinks so, including my H and me. Part of me pities her, and the other half expects her to show up at our place and boil a bunny sometime.

H didn't realize until the past few weeks that she is obsessed with him, or maybe he did but he didn't face it. What he's dealing with now is the fact that he let her in once, and she's been looking for a way back in ever since...5 years! And she is married with 2 small children also so it's not that she's at leisure to out and out pursue him.

I am sure there are those here that will believe I am in denial, so I just want to make it clear that H was completely in the wrong to start confiding in her, to be alone with her, etc. But I do believe him that it escalated only that once. As he puts it, "She gave me so much attention and positive feedback about everything, and I've only just realized that maybe her motives weren't pure."

Soooo...maybe if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. And I have discussed with him my deep concern that it seemed to take only determination and flattery to get him to crack. But there was a great deal of pursuit on her part, fully understanding that he was married, knowing his wife, and being married herself. I would question myself (and have, just to be sure I'm not giving H more credit than is due him) but the fact is, lots of people saw it and commented on it.

I've posted this before, and I will say it again. Married people who are tempted to cheat are not getting their needs met, sure, I agree. But married people who take action and actually do cheat are unhealthy! That is a sick way to get what you need and sick people attract sick people. No good woman will have anything with a married man! Married men then, have to choose from the "bottom of the barrel". They get the women who don't have integrity!!! TEW, you cannot argue that. You are a woman with NO INTEGRITY whatsoever!!! Integrity is unselfish, decency, honesty; it's doing what's right when noone is looking even if it is at high personal cost to you!!! People with high integrity are not attracted to those without integrity, because to do so would risk their own integrity, do you see where I'm going with this?

Pana
Junior Member
Member # 28636

We have been notified that in your last post you had used inappropriate name-calling to another member.

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OneGoing.

Hi

Glad to see this thread is still running as it still concerns me what kind of woman would be a part of a sordid A.

I am not in denial, I know my H played a part in the A but he had his ego stroked by a young girl who I now beleive was trying to escape an unhappy marriage. He was her boss (and he should have known better)and even though it was the most terrific nightmare my family and I could have went through, even though I begged her not to break up my family, she continued.........

To me she has no integrity and i agree with the last thread.....she was th bottom of the barrell.

As soon as the A came to light my H dropped her for an amazing height as it came clear to him what he had to lose.

He takes the full blame but for this mess but decent human beings do not inflict that kind of pain on others.

I don't expect anyone here to really understand this and I have never posted here before but I started reading and just wanted to try and see if I could somehow explain how someone becomes an OW when they would have never believed it could happen to them. This is long, sorry.

First of all, a MM had hit on me before but when I was in a (what I thought anyway) was a happy marriage, living with my husband, I was not at all tempted and would have never cheated on or deceived my husband. I could have never carried on a double life, being with someone else during the day and coming home to my husband at night. I was a very devoted mom, wife, active in my community, very active at my kid's schools, their sports activities, active at church. I taught Sunday school and vacation bible school. I have a master's degree and had a professional career until my children were born. We had a huge house, nice cars, everyone said we had it all. I was a good person (am trying to reclaim that now). I go out of my way to be kind and considerate to people, probably too nice sometimes. I am not a confrontational person and I have never tried to manipulate anyone to get anything.

Then my world got ripped apart. Yes, my husband cheated on me, but ended the affair, and we tried to work on the marriage. I thought things were getting better and then I found out he was having another affair with a different OW. But what I had gone through with the first one was nothing compared to what I went through with the second one. We kept having d-day after d-day, and the things my husband put me through, running back to her over and over again, almost killed me. The OW herself wouldn't let go either, always calling our house, giving my husband an ultimatum but then taking him back even after he wouldn't leave our home. It was the worst, most horrible time. Slowly my love for my husband died, and a lot of what I believed about life, decency, and trust also died. I realized I had been such a naive person, I never knew the world of affairs had ever existed. My parents had a great marriage, I really didn't know of any uncles, aunts, close friends, who had run around in their marriages. I felt my husband had taken me into this ugly world where all the morals I had been taught didn't exist. I couldn't understand how this could be happening to me. I also didn't understand how this woman who saw my husband was not going to file for divorce was still hanging around. She was the sleaziest of all, I thought.

My husband didn't want a divorce but he wouldn't give up the other woman either. I was going crazy and I finally moved out of the house. (He refused to move out, turned violent as I threatened divorce and so instead of waiting for the court to order him out of the house, I moved out for my own safety.) I filed for divorce, and about a year had gone by that I had been living on my own. He had been very abusive to me, delaying the divorce in any manner that he could find, threatening to kill me etc. He didn't want me to break up his homelife, all the while carrying on his affair of course.

So after a year of separation, my son began playing on a new baseball team and it was me that had to drive him to all the games and practices because my husband was preoccupied and hardly around. The new coach's son and my son hit it off and his son began spending a lot of time at my house. After a lot of the games our sons would be playing together around the ballpark and the coach and me found ourselves always talking as we waited for them to get done playing. His wife also was not around much. I didn't even know which one she was until about half way through the season. Everytime my son would call their house to invite his son over, or vice versa, my son would say, mom, his dad wants to talk to you to make sure its ok with you. And I remember my son saying one time as he handed me the phone, its always a mom to mom talk when my other friends come over, but with ______, its always a mom to dad talk. So, even my son noticed that I always dealt with him, not her. He would always drive his son over, not her. And most of the time, he would get out of the car too, and come in with his son, and just sit down and talk in my living room. One time after coming over and talking for a long time, he yelled up the stairs goodbye to his son as he was leaving, and his son yelled back, why are you still here? He just kind of smiled and left.

Let me say that at this point I had no thought going through my head of even being attracted to him. To tell the truth he was not my type. I like tall men(my husband is 6'4, he's 5'9, maybe 5'10.). Sorry if this sounds snobby, but I have always been around men who are white collar workers, he is a blue collar worker. He never completed college however because he was drafted right out of high school by a professional baseball team so I did respect that. He broke his arm though, and since he was a pitcher, never made it to the majors. After that he bounced from job to job. Anyway he was someone who was easy to talk to and who my son adored as his coach. He was really good with the kids.

He began to do a lot of nice things for me. But actually I was even a little perturbed by one thing he did. He told me one day that he had brought me some fish he had caught and (I was renting a house on the water)he had come up to my house by boat. He said he came to the back door and knocked and no one was home. I thought to myself I really don't appreciate him coming by unannounced like that and thank goodness I wasn't home. He started offering to pick up my son when I couldn't and he started bringing take-out dinner over when I had the boys at my house. He offered to take care of my son while I went on an interview, things like that. I began to see him as the nicest guy in the whole world. I thought maybe that's what it is, my husband who had a lot of money was a complete jerk, and this guy who did not have a lot of money was the most decent and kind guy, or so I thought. Maybe money corrupts I thought, I didn't want any part of that anymore.

I felt like we just became good friends over the four or five months of the baseball season. I was seeing him almost every day with 3 games a week, practices, and his son spending one or two nights a week. I sorta thought gee, his wife doesn't do that much because he's always doing everything. But I really don't know if he just handled baseball activities and she handled everything else. But let me tell you, at no point was I after him, did I try to connive to see him, the circumstances just put us together. Finally on the last day of the season, he came looking for me after the game. He said, I just wanted to know if you would want to go to eat with us sometime? I said possibly and he said, well, what if I left my wife at home and you just went with me? I know I looked at him kind of surprised because I was surprised, and I didn't answer and just said see you later and walked away.

But it was probably at that moment it all hit me as I walked away how very much I had become attached to him. I thought to myself I am probably never going to see him again because baseball is over, and our sons may just go back to playing with their school friends again. Over the next week or so to my surprise again I realized how much I missed him and missed seeing him. I thought about him all the time and I knew it was crazy because he was married, and not even someone I would have picked out if I had met him in a bar or something, or had read a description of him on paper. He had gotten into my heart without me really paying much attention to it. I was not out looking for anyone.

It would have ended right there however if he had not made the next move. About two or three weeks later, his son called my son and said can I come over to YOUR house and play? Not can you come over to my house, and so I wondered if he had put his son up to that. He drove his son over to my house and when we saw each other, we both just knew that feelings had developed between us. He said he had had a dream about me, I said I can't explain it but I have really missed you. We spent a lot of time talking about our feelings, his marriage, my divorce, his sister who died which touched me a lot, everything, and I ended by saying because of your marriage of course nothing can happen but I just wanted you to know how I feel about you. He of course was like, why can't anything happen? I said, you are a really nice guy but nothing can happen. That began his pursuit, his hours of talking to me on the phone trying to convince me that he couldn't just walk away and forget me, and for a couple of months my saying no.

Now I do think at this point, if I had never gone through what I went through with my own marriage, with my self-esteem destroyed, with my resistance low, with my feelings that the morals that I thought everyone followed didn't exist, that I would have made the right decision here. He was telling me what a great person I was, which was what I needed to hear right then. I also know that I didn't realize then what I know now and that is never allow yourself to spend this much time with a MM because no matter what you think in the beginning, feelings can and do develop. I was falling in love with him and I realized that love makes you do things you never thought you would do. No matter how I tried to think of this logically and I analyzed it every which way I could think of, all the pros and cons, I just couldn't stay strong enough to say no forever. I felt like I loved him more than I could even remember loving my husband when I first fell for him. And if it makes any of you feel any better, once he knew he had me, I experienced the worst emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on. I would say for me, the depths that I sunk to were even worse than what I experienced being a BW or at least the same. So I found some happiness in the beginning with him but the extreme pain that followed will have an effect on me for a lifetime. Probably compromising what I believed was right and always have, compromising what I believed myself to be even though a lot worse was done to me, made it even harder to take. My MM never felt any guilt but I experienced severe guilt, and of course not because of my husband, we were done, but because of his situation. But I can tell you the affair was the hardest thing to get out of, because I loved him. I felt like I couldn't breathe without him. I had never experienced a love like that. It was crazy. If I could have changed it, I would have. It really was an addiction.

If I had had any idea I would fall for him, when he first began spending so much time at the ballfield talking to me, I would have always cut it short. Now I know you never give your feelings a chance to develop by spending a lot of time with a MM. I didn't know then what I know now. I can guarantee it will never happen again with a MM because I have my walls up and I wouldn't ever let anyone get to know me and me know them without realizing this could lead to more. It's not something I'm proud of and will always regret. Maybe it doesn't matter to some because the bottom line is I crossed the line, but there were a lot of things I wouldn't do, I wouldn't go to his house when she was gone even though he invited me, things like that. On a number of different issues like that, I had more respect for his family than he did.

What I am trying to say is believe it or not, I am not an evil person. When I told my sister that I had become involved with a MM, she said she never thought I would ever do somehthing like that, it was so out of character for me. And on the chat board that I go to, I hear this quite often from OW. They never thought it was something they would do. It was someone at work that they had just been friends with for years, and by the time the MM asks them to cross that line, they are already hooked. I have come to conclude that if you want to affair proof your marriage one thing you should stay involved in is any close relationships he has with other women and don't dismiss it when they spend lots of time together. He may actually think its just friendship also but things develop without anyone even realizing it. I often think if only his wife had noticed when he would drive his son over that he wouldn't come home for two hours or so, and so she had volunteered to drive him over the next time. If we hadn't spent that time together nothing would have happened. I could have easily gone without seeing him at that point in time. It would have been so easy to stop then. I know, I know, I could have said no, that's what should have really happened. Of course, he shouldn't have been a rat and used someone he knew was so vulnerable also.

Lastly, I now understand my huband's OW. I almost want to look her up and say it must have been so hard on you and I never realized that. She must have given him so many chances because she loved him so much, she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with him, and he abandoned her finally and put her through hell also.

I know there are women out there who do maliciously go after other women's men and don't give a damn who they hurt but that is not always the case, and many times is not the case. OW do suffer extreme pain and pay for what we have done many times over. Our sense of self, our identity, is destroyed by our entangelments with these MM. Sometimes I think it is only the MM who get off easy and he is usually the one that caused it all to begin with.