Well its sunday and I finalized my plan b letter and dropped it off in the car along with the newspapers this morning. Stated that I want nc with her until the affair is over. My fear is that the way she has been acting throughout this is that she will be happy about it. Since she is in her apartment and has said (if she can be believed) that she will not move in with him, I don't know if their time together will produce any lb's. Even though they spend 4-5 hrs/weekday and 12 hrs or more/weekend day together, time will tell I guess. Will keep praying and hoping for the best, but I am losing hope and her I'm afraid.

<small>[ June 22, 2003, 10:18 AM: Message edited by: Tim Foster ]</small>

Any reason you went to Plan B so quickly?

Did you do a GREAT Plan A in the last 6 weeks?

I believe I did a good plan a, was getting very little communication from her and she was spending almost every non working moment with him. Seemed like she was jerking me around.

A good friend of mine brought up a good point to me tonight. Since my wife supposedly pursued the other guy, even though he is a multi-affairer, she may not be willing to give up and look at reasoning for fear of hurting him since his wife already kicked him out of the house (don't know if they have devorced yet or not though). Might explain why she is so dead set against listening to anyone on the subject.

Gotta love it. Just found out that my wife is taking an almost 2 week vacation with this jerk. I don't understand why she is going to counseling and hasn't filed for divorce, but is still willing to be with this guy like she is a single person. Very very frustrating.

Tim while spending more time with the OM can bring her closer to him, it could also start opening her eyes as to who he really is, especially since you are not in the picture for the moment.

you are correct, I guess I was jumping to conclusions, it would be the same as moving in with him. Thanks for clearing my mind up again.

If and when your WW expresses a desire to come back and rebuild the M, should you allow her to come back so easily and without any prerequisite? NO. You have to be honest with her and admit to her how you do not trust her and that you do not want to have her come back only to find out that all her talk was just that, talk (false recovery). Insist that before she can come back, that the two of you start following Dr Harley's Basic Concepts AND The Four Rules For A Succesful Marriage BEFORE SHE IS ALLOWED TO RETURN . If she was truthful in her desire and willingness to rebuild the M, then she has to understand that she is going to have to back up her words with deeds.

And just to let you know that what I said in my previous post is NOT just my unprofessional, layman opinion, here's a post from Cerri (a certified MB coach, and founder of ) to StillHereMakingIt in her thread titled Is it fair to ask for terms to return home from FWH after Plan B??? .

Thanks for all the info everyone. I have heard of people using the phantom person approach to try and stir up jealousy in the WS. I of course have no desire to seek other companionship and it bothers me that even if I am just busy or gone all the time, that when and if this gets over with and questions arise about what I was doing it is going to look like to Kim that I am either lying about it to her or if she believes what I tell her, it may upset her thinking I was deceiving her. Makes me feel like I am no better than her doing something like that.

Tim,

I like your thinking about phantom friends. You got your head screwed on straight.

However, there is a subtle thing that may help you quite a bit. I don't know where you live or what type of activities you find entertaining, but let me offer you something to consider.

If you were to dressed up fairly nicely and went to a movie or out to eat, it will make you feel better. If you live in or near a larger city. Get dressed up appropriately for were you are going, and go to the museum, the theater, a show, a nice place for dinner, what ever you really like to do. But, do it with style. Look good.

Why am I suggesting this? Well, it helps with the attitude about ones self. It starts to get you focused on other things. Go buy some new threads. Now I know I sound like the chamber of commerce encouraging you to spend your way out of depression or whatever. But the real purpose is to do things a bit differently. Start to get you life moving again. Start having a life.

Your W will notice the difference. If you life in a smaller town, she will hear you were at such and such and were dressed up. You never know what will penetrate the fog, but I do know that just waiting for it to lift is not good for you.

Do you see what I mean? I hope so.

God Bless,

JL

I understand it, I believe that can be accomplished without doing anything wrong. Thanks I will have to figure out a way to accomplish this.

Just sending some encouragement to you in your Plan B efforts. You can do it! Maintain your dignity and respect. Hang in there!

I agree with JL, you need something else to occupy your thoughts and spare time, a distraction, or a new hobby. Something that is fun and interesting enough to take your mind off your troubles.

If everyone in the world made 10 bucks an hour, (money was no object), what would you do for a living? What do you like to do? What interests you? Are you pursuing your interests? Why not, if you have not? If you have not, then now would be a good time to start. Go for it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Actually have reservations for the 4th for camping and I plan on going. I didn't go memorial weekend, cause this was too fresh at that time. We normally camped every weekend in the summer and fished. Since I did whatever it was to this shoulder, been a little reluctant to do much of anything, but between friends and my son, we will make it to the campground with the boat. I will also be keeping 1-2 grandchildren a night, which may be challenging, but they are really good kids, just normal kids. I'll spend more time with the kids that weekend than the wife has in the last 8 weeks. Will be strange considering how much she loves (loved) those kids and we always had them over to the house at least 2 nights a week, plus a sunday dinner.

Well, enjoy a safe trip and make some new memories. Start some new traditions for the kids and yourself. Hang in there!

Only travelling an hour away. If the rest of the week is like today with this darn arm/shoulder throbbing all the time, it is probably going to be miserable. But hopefully the grandkids enjoy themselves.

Well had a pretty good long weekend. This darn back/shoulder/arm troubles made it tough, aches almost constantly, but the companionship was well worth it. Ate to much for sure, but what the hey, thats life hehe. Kim has been on her "vacation" now since last wednesday and will be gone till next sunday. Since I started my plan b, I still think of her, just not constantly so I think thats is helping some.