Danish,

I am so sorry that today had to come. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I wish I could say something to help but I really don't know what to say. Your strength is amazing to me I just don't know if I could keep the composure you do I would be so hurt and angry. I can relate to your pain of the picture in your head of them together, I deal with that picture everyday it hurts.

What kind of woman is this that can destroy a family and not even care. All I can say is you are so much more than she could ever wish to be. Your H has made a terrible dessision. if she doesn't care enough about breaking up a family what happens when something goes wrong she wont care enough about your H to stay, out the door she will go. Is that really what he wants I don't think so.

Like I said before all I can do is be here for you so that you know you are not alone.I hope that helps with your pain just a little.
I was worried when you did not post yesterday I'm glad it was just the computer nothing to major.Take care Danish I always pray for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{Danish}}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry. Hardly know what to say. This is just not fair or right. But I know that live often is not. What defines us is not what happens to us in life, but how we rise to meet it. You are handling this with the most amazing strength and class. My heart goes out to you.

I agree with gingersnap, I don’t know what kind of woman could destroy a family with so little care. People who do this are beyond my comprehension. The one thing I do know is that she is selfish and heartless. I suppose I should not sound like it is all her fault. It is not. Your husband shares in this. I am sure that one day he will wake up and realize all that he has lost in you. If he is lucky you will still want him.

Those pictures of them together do haunt… actually they play like a video through the mind. I found that to handle them I used thought redirection. Every time they started to play in my mind, I forced myself to thing about something else. Even if it was to recite poetry. I think this is important because the mental images have a way of inflicting harm on their own. Sometimes I felt I was beating myself up with them. When I realized that was when I come up with the thought redirection idea. It really does work.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Danish,

I too am sorry this day has come. I kept praying that it wouldn't. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.

{{{{{{{{{{{Danish}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks again!
I had prepared myself for OW's arrival but realities are hard to swallow.
Don't feel too sorry for me. My son and I will be OK.

Maybe I'm just an optimistic fool - I don't know? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
The next three months WH and OW will have a real relationship in the real world. Their fantasy holiday relationship will be tested. I'm patient (didn't use to be before but when it comes to the love of my life I can be as patient as it takes - LOL) - and I DO forgive my WH.
Every night I'm lighting 3 candles - one for me, one for my son and one for WH.
I pray to God that he will help me in my struggle and give me strength - that he will show us the right way to find real happiness - that he will help us see clearer and get the M back on track.
In the meantime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - while God is doing his part, I'm working on me and my attitude towards life - studying, reading, talking to people in order to be a wiser and nicer person.

Miracles do happen you know!

I refuse to give up!!!

<small>[ June 29, 2003, 10:27 AM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Good for you Danish. You are doing so well dispite all of this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Danish,

You said it all.
I believe in miricles too.
With all of us praying that relationship does not stand a chance.
Keep in touch.

You are a true inspiration to all BS here on the forum.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Danish,

I too believe in miracles and I am praying so very hard for you. I think you are an incredible person and your strength and poise will be something that your H will never find in this OW. I know how hard it must be to have the OW here....but in a way....spending 24/7 with her is the best opportunity for him to see how much she pales in comparrison to you. I pray that he comes to his senses very soon and realizes his mistake.

Please let us know how you are....I check your progress daily. I am sending you sunshine <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Danish,
Thought I would check in today but see not post from you I hope all is ok.I check back later.

Just thinking of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Thank you so much for sending me prayers, sunshine & hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yesterday my son cancelled his appointment with WH. S had a friend sleeping here sunday and last night, and they enjoyed they had so much fun.

H came today instead, but he and S couldn't run together because it rained alot all day. WH always used to call me from work when it rained and I would drive him home. He called but I wasn't at home (I planned that just in case he had the nerve to ask if I would pick him up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )
- so he took the bus today.

He spend a couple of hours here. I made us a cup of coffee and sat on his usual place at the table while we 'socialized'.
He asked - would I consider doing some holiday-kinda-stuff with him & son monday & tuesday afterall - as originally planned!
I didn't ask why or where OW would be these days?! I said I'll have to think it over.

I bought a new Stereo yesterday instead of the one WH took to his new apartment and he checked if I had connected everyting correctly (he's an electrician) and of course I had.
I started the lawnmover yesterday even though he said it would never start without his instructions. He noticed the grass was cut... (do you say that - cut the grass? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )
I felt his surprise that I can actually function without him.

I asked him for some money to pay a couple of bills and a little support for S. "I cannot give you any money this month" he said.
I told him I was sorry to hear that!
We have about the same salery - but we're supposed to split bills from the time he lived here and until the separation is official! Danish law requires that he pays me child support too when S has his home with me. I wonder what they'll say to that in the City Office meeting friday?

WH asked if he could borrow the car to pick up his asthma-medicine and I said OK.
He asked if I would drive him home - I did.
When I dropped him off I saw two lit candles in his window - the candles I gave him friday. OW was waiting for him... I had this very strange and unexplainable feelings of a little sadness combined with faith and power. It made me smile while I drove home to my S.
This evening a dear (female) friend of mine came over and we had a very nice time.

I will keep posting. Thanks again for your support - I need it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

P.S
I love my WH. I want him back! Plan B is implemented very soon. I believe strongly in the Harley recipe for marriages to survive and I'll try to do my very best to make the tides turn.

<small>[ July 01, 2003, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Danish,

The time for B is very soon....like NOW my dear friend. Yes, we say 'cut the grass'. Your English is far better than some on this site who only speak English....it's amazing! You can see with the money issue and the rides and the vacations that he thinks he can just go on as usual with his girlfriend waiting at home. It's time for him to see what reality is. Look at the formula for the Plan B letter. It should include:

• I love you.
• I married you for life. I want to stay married to you
• I am willing to do what it takes to be the spouse you've always wanted and to address the things I did wrong in the marriage.
• The affair/neglect/abuse is so painful for me that it will destroy the love I have for you. In order to protect those feelings I must end all contact with you.
• As soon as the affair/neglect/abuse is over I would love to talk with you about our future.
• Until that time please respect my wish for no contact whatsoever
• In an emergency you can reach me through______.
• Arrangements for seeing children and handling finances are_____.

Consider giving it to him on Friday, and then Please use all your strength to make sure there is absolutely NO CONTACT at all.

(((((((((((((danish)))))))))))))

Hi Danish,

You seem to be doing ok under the circumstances.I am glad that your S was able to have a fun time with a friend he needs that.I was going to ask you if you had a job but after reading your post I guess that you do.

It seems that plan B will be a shock for your H it sounds as though he really depends on you for more than he relizes.His life is about to change more than he knows.

I keep you in my thoughts daily and look forward to reading your post keep us informed of what is happening.Have a good day.

Dear Danish,

It sounds like you're becoming a much stronger, more independent person which is fantastic. The act of lighting candles you gave him is a very symbolic gesture. One, he could have thrown or put them away but didn't. Instead he lit them where you could see them. Wonderful. You've got his attention whether he'll admit it or not.

However, it sounds like he's still too comfortable in your house (sitting in the usual spot at the table). It's time to make him feel uncomfortable. Go with Plan B. Remember, the OW will leave soon. Then he'll be alone. You'll still be around. Go for it with all you've got.

Strength, strength, strength....

(((((star*fish))))) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know it's time for Plan B friday - I think I'm ready. I can't believe WH thinks he can get away with not giving me any money for S. It seems like he arrange his new life without any consideration for our sons wellbeing... and only does what is comfortable for himself and OW.

Should I ask for sole custody? It would be easy for me to justify that I'm the stable and caring parent in this mess. I guess my M will have zero chances to recover if I do that!?
I'm so afraid that WH maybe would take S to Australia later - maybe for months - I don't know if he would do that, but it worries me that he could actually do this if we go for joint custody.

I'll write my Plan B letter this evening. Thank you for lining up the issues it must contain.

-----------------------------------------------

(((((gingersnap)))))

Thank you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-----------------------------------------------

(((((SAB)))))

Glad to see you.
WH didn't light the candles I briught him - OW did... but it feels kinda symbolic anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It was I who was sitting at HIS usual spot, not him - but you are right - it's too comfortable for him that he almost can come and go in 'my home' as he pleases. Plan B will show him some consequences of his actions.

I feel strong most of the time...
Thanks!

I find it very interesting that your husband keeps calling you, coming over, asking you to spend holiday time with him, asking you to help him out with the car, etc. He is no ‘not over you’. This is good. What it looks like is that he wants both you and the OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I get away with not giving me any money for S. It seems like he arrange his new life without any consideration for our sons wellbeing... and only does what is comfortable for himself and OW.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a trademark of affairs. We call it the ‘fog’ because it’s like they cannot see anything beyond themselves. We also say that WS are abducted by space aliens because they certainly do not act like anyone we ever knew, much less like the person we married. It is so strange but the behavior seems to be universal when a person is having an affair.

Should you act for sole custody? Yes I think you should. He is not thinking straight. If you have sole custody then it will be easier for you to look out for your son. And you can let him see his dad as much as is healthy for you. I don’t know how what the law is where you are at. Where I live it’s almost impossible for a parent to get sole custody. Generally we get shared legal custody and then one person gets physical custody with visitation rights to the other parent.

If you start by asking for sole custody, then your H can ask for what he wants. At this point in time your husband cannot even share physical custody with you because he has no place for you son to stay. This way you do not presume that he wants any custody. His behavior is certainly not that of a man who wants to be a parent except when it fits his desires… like everything else right now.

I’m not sure if asking for sole custody will damage any chances of recovery. It may just show you husband that you are not a push over. That you will do what you have to, to protect your son and yourself. Perhaps the first foreboding of Plan B on Friday?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so afraid that WH maybe would take S to Australia later - maybe for months - I don't know if he would do that, but it worries me that he could actually do this if we go for joint custody.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something for you to be concerned about. I had a similar concern about my ex-husband when we were going through a divorce. A large part of his family lives in Italy. He is a doctor so he could live and practice just about anywhere. At one point I found out that he was secretly getting our son a passport. I was so afraid that he was going to take our son to Italy. It would be so hard to get him back from there. I lived in Italy for years. Had a girlfriend there one time who went through the custody issue. It took her 3-4 years to get her son back and even then she had to ‘kidnap’ him and fly back to the USA with him before the Italian authorities caught her. In Italy custody generally goes to the father.

What I did was to bring it up in court. I told of my concerns and had a stipulation put into our divorce that our son was not allowed to leave the state we live in without my permission and a 30 day written notice of where they were going, where they would be staying and contact information. And under no circumstance was his father allowed to take our son out of the USA. My son is now 14. In March of this year, for the first time, I let his dad and the new step-mom take him to London for a week. At this age I know my son could find a way to contact me and let me know where to get him if his father pulled any stupid tricks.

I hope you continue to be well.

I'm so relieved that you replied the way you did, (((((zorweb))))) . I was afraid 'people' would think I was crazy even thinking of sole custody and still saying I love my WH and want my M back.

I called WH before dinner tonight. I told him that I'm not sure that I think joint custody will be the best for our son. That I had doubts about it and only wanted to notice him about that before we go to the meeting friday. (at the meeting they will ask if we agree on custody - If we don't we will have to go to court).
We had the longest and most meaningful conversation we have had since D-day.

First he was shocked and said "you want to make everything difficult for me - you want to ruin my relationship with S."
I told him that was NOT my purpose. I told him that I love him, S loves him and want him in his life, so I will always let them see each other as often as possible. I told him about my concern about OW coming from Australia - that I feel worried about what will happen in the future.
I was very honest - told him that I feel his main priority at the moment was spending time with OW and he even agreed on that.
Told him that - since I've always been the main care-taker for S, he's going to be with me 24/7 because OW lives with WH, he's a teenager and if he's going to spend the night in WH's apartment he will sleep on the couch in the livingroom - since I'm the one with a stable history & future plans and since WH can't even support S financially - it will be the best solution for our son.
I told WH that I think he's a wonderful father - that I will always listen to his opinion in matters concerning S... that he can attend meetings at the school as if we had joint custody.

WH calmed down and said that he know all of that is true and he trust me - and if I go for sole custody he will let me have it "If that is what you want I wont prevent it - but it's NOT what I want - I would like us to have joint custody".
I told him that I'll think it over and tell him my decision friday. (I could hear OW was there in the background but of course she didn't understand one word of our conversation in danish.)

WH told me that he does not plan on moving to Australia - at least not within the next one or two years (after that I wonder???)!!!, but OW is going to stay here as long as she likes. If she stays more than 3 months she'll need a visa, but it will probably be a piece of cake to get one... he told me that OW certainly is his new partner and he want to live her forever if possible.

MIL is coming to his apartment to say hello to OW tomorrow - I should mention that MIL don't speak ONE word in english! What an odd evening it will be for her... maybe...
I'm stunned how fast our lives are turned upside down... it feels like a bad dream, and I'm SO disappointed on behalf of my son.

Thanks again for holding my hand in these difficult times!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Edited!!!!:
Another thing WH said in the beginning of our conversation on the phone "I know I'm the one who want a divorce, but I did so much for you - how can you do this to me?". I asked him what exactly it was he did for me and he said "moved to my mothers place - and made the 'me moving out of the house' so painless for you as possible"... OH yeah??? He's in a fog so thick I'm afraid he will never come out.

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 05:25 PM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Hi Danish,
I am so sorry to hear all of this.I feel so bad for your son and what he has to go through.Why do people become so selfish that the care and concern for others is not important?
You have become so strong and I really admire that I am trying hard to become strong my H did not choose to leave but by having an A I feel like he abandon me in some way.It is strange but I guess it is that you just can not trust them anymore.
Do what you need to for your son and don't worry much about what your H wants after all is he really concerned about what you want?No if so he would give up OW and be where he belongs with his family.

Always thinking of you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ginger.
I'm so glad for you that your H chose to stay!

I cried myself to sleep last night - I feel abandoned, weak and lonely. I realize that my WH will never love me again. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

{{{{{{{Danish}}}}}}}

I understand how you feel right now. Wish there was something I could do for you. But in the end it takes time. Time will reveal what your path will be here. It’s a trial for sure. You have done a very good Plan A. Plan B is about to start. These things take time. The most important thing right now is that you take care of yourself and your son

Danish, just finished reading your posts, sorry to hear about the circumstaces you find yourself in.

I wanted to comment on the way your H is handling his relationship with your son.

My wife is involved in a EA with a co-worker, we have a 10 year old son, she also acts as if he fell off the face of the earth. It hurts beyond belief that not only does ones spouse neglects the BS, but the child takes the back seat to the OP. I never expected her to treat our son in such a manner.

The way the she is treating him now, minimal attention and affection on cue is something he will never forget. Fortunatley I have the summer off and am spending a lot of time with him. The things our children are seeing now is going to shape the way they treat their spouses as they get older.

My wife also is in a fog and it seems the only thing she can focus on is herself and the OP, her H, child, home and everything that took 15 years to build does not matter.

I also love my wife and would welcome any effort on her part to rebuild our marriage. I am at this point starting to realize that all the efforts made are one sided and I am beginning to feel that at this point even if she did decide to try, to much damage has been done.

I hope the best for you and your son.

Danish,

Don't lose hope. Your H hardly knows this woman....it takes time to see how poorly she compares to you. Keep your faith and know that we are thinking of you. I'm so glad your custody discussion went well. Don't believe anything H says right now about he what he wants.....he's in the fog and it means NOTHING. Statistics show that his relationship with this person is doomed......it's just a matter of time.