Danish,

Hope your day is going well.

I just saw your photo… you and I could be sisters!!!

I am glad to hear that your custody talk with your husband went well. Something did come to mind that needs to be mentioned. Your husband may change his mind by the he gets to your appointment tomorrow. This could be the case especially if he talks to his family or the OW about the custody issue.

I was very sorry to hear that your mother in law is going to meet the OW. It gives the affair legitimacy that is inappropriate. Do you feel that all this had damaged your relationship with her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I know I'm the one who want a divorce, but I did so much for you - how can you do this to me?". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He’s in a very thick fog. When I clears he is going to find out that he is headed straight for a crash with reality.

Danish,
I know what it is like to cry yourself to sleep I have done it more than I can count.Go ahead and let it go you are strong crying is not a sign that you are weak it just shows all of us how much you really are hurting.

I wish I could be there to give you a hug and let you know you are loved and admired by many.
All I can do is pray and ask God to ease your pain some and give you the strenght you need for plan B.

Danish we are here for you.

Star*fish - Rookie - Zorweb - Gingersnap
Thank you so much for your support and prayers - I need them more than ever before!!!

The meeting friday was terrible!
We met in the waitingroom and talked very little. WH asked me if I had made up my mind regarding custody and I told him I wasn't 100% sure yet.
I said that my main concern still was "Australia" and I joked "Why didn't you fall in love with a girl from our town". He joked back "Maybe next time".

At the meeting the lawyer (I think she was?) listed all sorts of law stuff, asked us questions and explained to us about agreements concerning the separation, income, property, custody,- and wrote it all down on a piece of paper for us to sign in the end of the meeting.

When she had explained the precise difference between sole custody and joint custody - listed pro's and con's I was certain I wanted sole custody.
I told her - and hell broke loose!
WH yelled at me: "I think you are BIG [censored]!. "You are doing everything to prevent me from seeing our S".
I was terrified - the way he looked at me with anger and pure hate! I know he was hurt that I actually went for sole custody - but losing his temper like that?! Not the man I used to be married to!
I tried to calm him down telling him that I WANT him to be the wonderful dad I know he can be, that I want him in S's life - bacically the same things I told him wednesday but he apparantly forgot. Then he said, very angry "I'll go to court then"!
What???? I was devastated... I agreed on joint custody. It can be changed later if we can't cooperate and agree on EVERYTHING concerning S.
I doubt very much that WH will go to court... but it scared me.

When we left WH marched in front of me. Outside the building he apologized for calling me names, but he was still mad. I asked what made him change his mind from what he told me wednesday - but got no answer.

No Plan B letter delivered. If I want sole custody later on, it would not be a good sign of my cooperartion with him, if I don't want to have contact at all... I'll prevent seeing him though - I get a headache every time he's near.

Zorweb
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just saw your photo… you and I could be sisters!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I couldn't find a photo of you in the album - but you must look good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was very sorry to hear that your mother in law is going to meet the OW. It gives the affair legitimacy that is inappropriate. Do you feel that all this had damaged your relationship with her?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My relationship with MIL was good before this, but I haven't seen her or any other member of WH's family since WH moved out. I called MIL one time right after and told her I wanted to work on our M. She told me that she was sorry for us, but there was nothing she could do - she just wants her son to be happy and if that includes an OW so be it.
It's quite common in Denmark to split friends and family like that when 'divorcing'.

{{{{Danish}}}}

There have been a few of those photo album threads here on MB. I’ve not posted by photo as I’m concerned about privacy. No one here in my ‘real life’ knows of my husband’s affairs. We have recovered and are happy. They would hate him if they knew. That would only make our life harder. And we are still struggling with custody issues concerning his children. I do not want his ex-wife to be able to prove that anything I say here comes from me.

Is your divorce final now? Or are there more steps that you have to go through?

I am so sorry that your husband reacted in the way he did. It tells you how conflicted he is. One of these days he is going to come crashing down from the high of this affair and it’s not going to be pretty. I’m sorry that you did not get sole custody. Did you at least ask for some sort of an assurance that he does not take your son out of the country?

The way our MIL is reacting to the affair is pretty typical here too. It seems that generally the family of the WS will side with the WS. I know so many people who were ostracized by the WS’s family. They would rather just go with the flow then take a stand. My family is very different. We tend to evaluate the situation and support the one who is being hurt. For this reason affairs do not go well in our family.

I understand what you are saying about the Plan B letter making it look like you are not cooperating in child custody. That is a common concern. In your case you could just basically follow the Plan B ideas. I did this with my ex-husband when I left him. It was not a Plan B as I had no intention of ever going back with him. But I could not have any contact with him because he would start a fight with me every time. So I just got to the point where I would not answer the phone when he called. I sent him emails and notes. I would not allow him to come into my home as he became belligerent. My attorney helped me, through his attorney, set the rule that he cannot enter my home. To this day we still communicate mostly via email. It works well.

Danish,
I am so sorry to hear of your H behavior,it is strange how they become someone we do not know.

I think my MIL would act the same way if I were in your shoes.That is her personality,she just welcomes who ever new comes along in her childrens life,forgetting any relationship she may have had with thier former spouse.I think if my H would have left me for OW my MIL would have welcomed her with open arms.

I am at a loss for words nothing I can say will help I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and care about your pain.

{{{{{Zorweb}}}}}

Thank you for sharing part of your story - I feel I know you better now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I understand why you don't want anyone to know about your H's A now that recovery is going great.
Noone I know in real life would ever visit MB - we're danish you know - so I feel free to write and upload what ever I like. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm afraid I am getting a little paranoid today! Please tell me I'm not crazy...

I forgot to tell you that in the waitingroom WH asked me again if the 3 of us (S, WH and me) could take a trip in my car monday - maybe to the seacoast... I wouldn't upset him before the meeting so I said fine. Later I forgot about it but he reminded me later that he will come to the house monday morning.
After my WH's hostile behaviour towards me at the city office I am beginning to feel a little afraid of him. I remember one of the many hurtful things he said to me a month ago, the day he told me he wanted a divorce: "I have had the most horrifying thoughts on how to get out of our M". Even though I was crying I 'joked' "Horrifying - how? - did you think of killing me?". He was quiet for a moment and then said "No, of course not"... he wouldn't tell me what these horrifying thoughts was all about, and I didn't ask again.

I also forgot to tell you that WH didn't want to pay me any child support before august, but the lawyer forced him to pay from the month our relationship ended - june!
I found out yesterday that WH has ordered an expensive cellphone and an international account for it (maybe for OW?) - I feel sad that he spend his money that way and don't seem to care about S at all...

Should I tell WH that I'm beginning to feel afraid of him?
Sorry for my sunday morning rambling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Seriously I don't think WH would kill me - I just don't feel comfortable with him anymore.

Btw - my divorce is not final. If we both agree on it we can divorce after 1/2 a year
- if only one of us wants a divorce at that time we will have to wait 1 year from the separation date before the D will be final.

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{{{{{ginger}}}}}

I'm glad you think of me and care for me - I care for you too. Thank you.

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I am sorry I'm not posting in other treads then my own at the moment but I read them all and will start posting when I feel I have strength enough to rise above my own situation.

Good morning Danish,
I just read your post and I am very concerned for your safety.I would like to think that noone would ever hurt another person but that is not true.I don't believe he would kill you but I have read and seen people do many things out of the normal for them when they are in an affair.In the early years of my M my H was very abusive beating me often when things did not go his way or I put up any resistance to him,I always thought it was just his age,we were very young.But I believe when someone is at the end of thier rope and they feel another person is blocking them from getting what they want they will do things they normally would not.
I think you need to go with your gut feelings on this one and if you do not feel comfortable with going to the coast do not go.

I let my thread run out and I visit just a few people I feel I have come to know over the last few months.You are one of them,I have followed your story from your first post so I feel like I have been with you through all of this.

Some people I use to follow and write to are no longer posting and now I wonder what has happened to them it makes me a little sad not to know if they are ok.Silly huh,I don't even really know these people but you feel like you become a part of thier lives.

I hope you have a good day I will check in again tomorrow to see what is happening.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one I know in real life would ever visit MB - we're danish you know - so I feel free to write and upload what ever I like. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lol, my step daughter knows my name here so I’m concerned now that we are in this custody fight that she may tell her mother. We will see.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I have had the most horrifying thoughts on how to get out of our M".</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do not think you are paranoid at all. I take people for what they say and do. If someone told me this I’d never be alone with them again.

I’ll share a little more of my story with you so you will know why I have learned to be so cautious. I married Bob when I was 22, he was 26. He became ill during our marriage, had an inter- cranial aneurysm and therefore surgery. He was never quite the same afterwards. By then I know he was seeing someone else as he was never home anymore. He had made a comment to me once that when he got tired of me he was going to push me off the mountain that overlooks our city. I did not laugh with him. We had been married for 2 years. The last day I ever lived alone with him, he came home angry, told me to clean out the bathtub and fill it with hot water while he sharpened a straight razor. I was scared and trying to figure out how to get out of our apartment without being cut. Just as he was finishing up the sharpening the blade his cousin rang our doorbell. I ran to the door, past Bob. As I passed him Bob hissed at me “Now you will never know if it was going to be me or you.” Obviously it was going to be me. I opened the door, kissed his cousin Jim on the cheek. Told him that he had no idea how glad I was to see him. Then I ran a few miles to a friend’s house. I never looked back. I joined the US Army to become independent. After my basic training I returned to my hometown to get a divorce from him. He called me and asked me if I would go with him to see his new work site. He was an engineer, was working in a uranium mine on the equipment. HE wanted to take me to the middle of the desert, to a mine that was not yet operational… so there was no one there. I told him no. He killed himself a few years later.. so I guess it was him after all.

Like I said… I take people for what they say. If I were you I would not go on this vacation for two reasons. The first is he is living with another woman, why would you want to go? How could you ever keep your composure? Why would you let someone mistreat you like this? The other is exactly what you said… his anger and his comments are down right scary. Please just email, call… get in touch with him any way you can and tell him that you and your son are not going.

It is perfectly reasonable, and really expected; that you would tell him that you will not date him while he is living with the OW. If you cannot talk to him then email him or have a note delivered to his apartment. If it were me, I’d do my best to make sure the OW sees the note too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I also forgot to tell you that WH didn't want to pay me any child support before august, but the lawyer forced him to pay from the month our relationship ended - june!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good, this is the beginning of reality hitting him. It’s about time it does. How upset was he at having to pay it after he was told? As you can see with the cell phone his priorities are not with you or you son. If your worst fears are true, he could be free of all obligations, not have a wife or a son. Spend all his money on the OW and move. I’m sorry but now I’m worried for both you and your son.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seriously I don't think WH would kill me - I just don't feel comfortable with him anymore.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I were you I’d tell him that you do not feel comfortable with him anymore. He has taken another woman into his life. It would also tell remind him about his remark of his thoughts of terrifying ways to end his marriage and that you do not feel safe. It is very odd how he keeps pushing for you to take this little vacation with him. It makes no sense what so ever. If the OW knows and does not care then it’s even more weird. He could be hiding it from her which is why I’d make sure she knew of his intentions to take a vacation with you and your son. Who knows what he is telling her. I would also tell him that you have discussed our concerns with your family and sent your attorney a letter about it. He has to know that you are protecting yourself.

I am so sorry that it has come down to this. You, nor anyone else, deserves to be treated this way. Please promise me that you will take his comments (they are a threat) seriously and protect yourself. I am now worried about you. Do talk to your family and maybe a friend you trust about this.

Danish,

Just checking on you. Saw your pic....and again....H must be blind! what can I say?????

Danish,
Just checking in and surprised to see no post today hope all is ok.

How do you guys find the pictures Ive been looking and cant find them help me please.

ginger....I always go to page three of the thread.....to where x-Princess has a link that says "let's see you" in her post about halfway down the page. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi, I'm OK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yesterday after reading your posts, Zorweb & Ginger, I called WH and told him exactly how I felt and asked him why he wanted to go on this trip with me and S. I was determined not to go.
He said "You have no need to worry, I would never harm you and S. I want to go because we promised S that we would spend some time together this summer". OW would stay in his apartment and she knew he would spend the day with me and S.
I told him I remembered he said "I have had the most horrifying thoughts on how to get out of our M". - He said he didn't recall having said that so he didn't explain it. It might have been fog-talk when he said it back then? - the A being exposed and all...
Anyway, I believed him - he sounded very sincere and in the 15 years I have known him he has never been violent or abusive in any way. Before the A he was a very loving and caring man - that's why I still have feelings for him I guess?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I decided to let go of my fear and mistrust and go afterall.

When WH came to the house today I had almost finished my building of a LARGE sideboard I bought as a do-it-yourself kit(?) - the diningroom was a mess of tools - WH jumped around me and checked that I had done everything correctly and offered his help with the remaining two drawers. I'm such a sweet girl <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - I let him 'help' me.
We went to an "Indoor rainforest" - a kind of HUGE Zoo with rainforest animals and plants. Interesting place! There was a room with only snakes and they were all over the place - we could touch them but it was not allowed of course. A few months ago I would NEVER have entered that room but today I felt no fear at all - and I didn't even tell S to be careful.

We had a very nice day - being together as a family again. WH was quite relaxed and I was even more comfortable. S loved it!
Most of the day I was in Plan A/180 mode. I LB'd - well, maybe not? - when I told him that I will not let him have the 'old' computer before he give me money to pay some of the bills from when he lived here - I'll keep it as my hostage until he pays. He got angry but it was soon forgotten.

>>>> (((((zorweb)))))
What a horrifying experience/time you went trough back then! I can only imagine how scary and sad it must have been for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> lol, my step daughter knows my name here so I’m concerned now that we are in this custody fight that she may tell her mother. We will see. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I drag you into some kind of trouble? Hope I didn't! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How upset was he at having to pay it after he was told? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He was not upset at all. He just said that he's out of money right now - I think he was a little embarrassed?!

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>>>>> Star*fish

Thank you!
You with the marines - WOW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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>>>>> Ginger

Thanks for checking in on me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you guys find the pictures Ive been looking and cant find them help me please. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Go to Marriage Builders forum "Emotional Needs" You'll find a thread called "let's see you" - in the very first post there is a link to the photo album.

I finally found it!!!Thanks guys.

It is kind of nice to put a face with the people you chat with.I don't like any of the pictures I have but maybe if I can find one I will post it so you guys can put a face to my name.

Danish I am so glad to hear you had a good day,when I checked in on you and you had not posted I was so worried glad to see all went well.

Talk to you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Danish,

I'm so glad to hear you had a good day with your son and husband. And it sounds like you plan A'd very well. Good for you.

Don't worry about dragging me into anything. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'm here helping because this is what I do.

As for that horrible incident of year ago... I'm so beyond it now. I seldom bring it up because it almost seems like it happened to someone else. I just learned to be cautious under certain circumstances. That’s not a bad thing to learn.

HI Danish

You know me just checking to make sure all is ok.When you don't post every day I get a little worried.I'm sure your fine just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.

Have a nice day!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danish,

It has been two days since you have posted is all ok?

Just checking in.Keep us posted on what is happening.

~ditto*

I'm fine, thank you for caring <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Everything is very weird at the moment... Tuesday my son went to WH's place to stay from 2 PM and until wednesday 10 AM. OW would be there too off course.
When I picked S up wednesday he told me that OW was very nice and easy to talk to. Danish kids have english lessons in school from their third grade, so he could actually have a conversation with her. He also said that if the circumstances were different she and I could have been friends!!!
She cooked a traditional australian dinner and it was delicious, he said. They went for a walk, watched 'Simpsons' on tv, played cards, saw a movie and talked. I asked S how it was to see his dad with a new sweetheart and he said he could easily get used to it.
The weird in all this is that I didn't care much. I wasn't sad - just happy for S that he had a good time there.

I'm beginning to question myself if I love my H - or if my sadness in the beginning was coming from hurt pride or something else?
I'm so confused right now - not able to see if I'm in withdrawal from WH or if I actually lost the love I not long ago felt for him... I don't even know if I want my M back? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I thought it through again. Maybe I'm giving up hope because that's the only reasonable thing to do in this situation. Accepting that WH found a woman that makes him happy (for a period of time) and getting on with my life without him... rollercoaster talk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Danish,

I am so sorry I really don't like what I just read.Kids are so funny how they seem to adapt to anything.How can she live with herself it were me I would not even pursue the relationship if for nothing else because of your son.

You hang in there keep posting even if it is not happy talk we all care and want to know what is happening with you.