TCM, agree with you that actions speak louder than words, no doubt about it.

rOuter our anniversary was bout two weeks ago, I did buy her a nice necklace, recieved nothing, but I feel that it's MY actions that I am accountable for, not hers. Do what you would normally do for the anniversary, let her be the one that feels like a horsesa&&.

Take care
Rookie

Rookie,
You know you are absolutely right. I need to do what feels right for me!

thanks,

r0uter

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by r0uter:
Rookie,
You know you are absolutely right. I need to do what feels right for me!

thanks,

r0uter</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Within reason of course because taken to the extreme it can even justify an A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

TMCM,

I think I know what you are saying but I'm not quite sure, can you elaborate?

r0uter

TCM, I agree bout not going overboard, but I also dont understand how that could assist the A.

Well today is a differant day, She calls me up says She is taking off work early tomorow and we will take the son to the zoo and SHE made dinner reservations for Sat. night. Maybe I fried one too many brain cells back in my day, but I can't figure this one at all, from ice queen to the doting wife?????
Rookie

If you let your emotions take over they may cause you to love bust your WW and sabotage all your hard earned Plan A efforts. Emotions can be very treacherous if they are put in control of our actions.

Rookie,

Well sounds like you are in for a good weekend! I hope it all goes well anyway.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Maybe something you said really made her take a good look at what she would be missing!

One day at a time, rookie, one day at a time!

r0uter

Rookie,

She is trying. Just tell yourself "Baby steps", "Baby Steps", and you will get where you need to go.

Make sure to thank her for the reservations for dinner and her planning something. It is an ACTION and it includes you. That is progress. Get her a flower for the dinner Sat. night. Just a single flower and give it to her before you leave for dinner.

This stuff takes time and patience, so give it plenty.

God Bless,

JL

TGIF!!!

Well today I go home for the first time since Mon afternoon. I am anxious and nervous! I can't wait to see her and I have been over the LB list to make sure I don't screw anything up!

I made reservations for tomorrow night at a nice hotel in a nearby big city, and we will go to dinner and then bar hopping before retiring with no children! I hope all goes well.

r0uter

<small>[ June 27, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: r0uter ]</small>

rOuter, Good for you with the reservations and suck, when you go bar hopping, Miller makes a non-alcoholic beer, Sharp's, not bad at all, please dont start drinking, you'll have to start all over again and it will put your emotions into play.

So far this weekend has been pretty good, we've spent more time together than we have in the last 4 mos. keeping my fingers crossed and emotions under check.

Good luck rOuter, keep me posted, will be thinking bout ya.
Rookie

Rough weekend.

When I got home on Friday she had not (As I suspected she wouldn't) put on her wedding ring. I stopped at her work and put a note on her dash telling her how much I missed her during the week and how I couldn't wait to see her. I was hoping against hope that she would feel that our anniversary weekend was special and we could spend some good quality time together. Well apparently she didn't!
She called me when she got out of work, (never mentioned the note) and told me she was going out with some of her girlfriends from work. I told her to go ahead I knew she had had a rough week at work and it would be good for her to go and cut-up with her friends. Neither of us is a drinker, so I wasn't worried about that, and she works with mostly women as she is a nurse, so that didn't bother me. I was fine with the whole thing.
She called me again around 9:30 to tell me that some more of her friends had showed up and she was going to stay out "A couple of hours later". I was a bit hurt because I had wanted to see her, and had left her a note telling her that, but I said OK.
I had received my copy of His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters, so I sat down on the porch and began reading. I read until about 11:30, (around the time I had expected her to return) and then went inside to wait for her. At 12:30 I tried to go to sleep, no deal. At 1:30 I started to worry because the place she went closes at 1:00 and it only takes 10 minutes to get home. But I figured she could be chatting it up in the parking lot or something, so I tried to go to sleep... nothing!
At 2:00 I tried her cell phone again (about the 10th time) and left her a message asking her to call and let me know she was alright. By this time all kinds of things were racing through my head; Did she get in a wreck, did she get stopped for DUI, did she run away on me? I was very worried about her well-being.
She called me at 2:10 saying she was on her way home, they had gone to a different club that doesn't close until 2:00.
I was trying hard to maintain, and I think I did a good job. When she walked through the door, I hugged her tight and said, I'm so glad you are alright, I was worried about you. She got a little defensive and said, What did you think could happen between here and there? I told her what was going on in my mind, and she half-heartedly apologized. This is when I made a mistake and told her she didn't sound like she was sorry.
She lost it! She kept saying that it always has to be my way, and I always twist things around to make it look like her fault. Then she told me to pack my stuff and leave Monday morning. (She said Monday because she know that I can go to work out of town if I want. Well I was able to calm her down and we eventually went to sleep in a decent albeit not happy mood.
Saturday morning when we woke up, things were ok but a little tense. But by the end of the day we had already had another little spat. Things were not looking good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> (But I persevered)
We finally left to go for the night, (she thought we were only going to dinner) and I could tell that she probably really didn't want to be with me. I made small talk and things started improving. We had a great dinner and by the time we were done eating, she was in a great mood. We had begun talking about us and I was introducing her to the MB concepts and Dr. Harvey's philosophies. She seemed very receptive and interested! I was floating!
I had told her during dinner what my plans were and she agreed that could be fun.
When we left dinner I went to the Hotel to check-in and park the car for the night. We went up to the room and two minutes after arriving champagne was delivered.
After a glass of champagne and some small talk, she told me she didn't really feel like going out, so we agreed to stay in the room and watch a movie instead. (Most expensive movie I have ever watched!!)
We lay in bed together and talked for a long time and I just tried to show her all the affection I could. I had told her earlier that I did not want sex unless she was willing to give it of herself and I think that helped to cut the tension about my affections. We eventually went to sleep without any sex, but I was very happy to have received a really nice and meaningful, though not passionate, kiss.
We both woke up in good moods and had a pleasant breakfast together. On the way back I could feel her mood changing the closer we got to home. about 3/4 of the way there she told me that it was starting to hit her how overwhelming the whole thing had been. I tried to explain that I had only wanted to make a nice surprise for our Anniversary (which was that day). When we got home things got worse by the minute. And she told me she wanted time alone to think by herself, I told her to go get her nails done or something, that I would take care of the kids. She said, No, I mean I want you to go away for a while so I have time to think. I was floored, Shocked and very confused. Had nothing I said all weekend meant anything? Was I expecting too much! Maybe somewhere deep in my sub-conscious I was expecting things to change more quickly. But I really only wanted us to be more understanding of the situation and to try to try harder.
I am still reeling, at work out of town again, and just completely lost!
She did agree that if I leave one of the books behind she would try to read it.
One of the things that really confused me was when I agreed to go out of town again and I had it all arranged, her mood instantly improved!

I just don't get it. But I am feeling a little better now after venting. I drove three hours to get here this morning by 6:00 after a night with almost no sleep, so I am sure that some of what I am feeling is just tiredness.

Help me feel better about this somehow! I need to understand what she is going through.

r0uter

Hi Router,

That's terrible she did that to you on such a specail day for you. You know most of us women would feel so good if our husbands made a specail weekend like that for us. I can tell you
really love her.

Being that she practically ignored your whole weekend. And then said (she wants you to go away so she can think) tells me she just doesn't want you around. If that is what she wants, maybe thats what you should do. Be gone more often. She doesn't appreciate what you do for her. As for her girlfriends. I know nurses and what they talk about while they are out, so becareful. I know a quite a few nurses that have had affairs. Maybe a 180 would work. I don't know how to explain the 180 steps, but Coffeeman could tell you. You wife is giving you to many mixed messages <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I hope things get better for you.

Ladysheep

Ladysheep,

Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. It is always good to hear that someone agrees with the way you feel.

I work out of town as often as i want basically, and I will work out of town more often.

Interesting that you should say that about nurses, most of her friends are in strange relationships. She enjoys talking to them and at least it is not the OM!

Thanks again,

r0uter

rOuter, sorry that your plans fell through, but again, YOU are the one trying, some day she is going to realize that. I agree with the 180 plan, I did recopy it and it is in one of my messages.
When implemented the 180 it seemed to make a differance. Hang in there buddy sounds like your in for a rough ride.

Keep your venting here, By the way did you see your doctor yet, if not, dont blow that one off you WILL notice a differance.

Take care and keep posting.

Rookie

Rookie,

Can't wait til she realizes who is the one trying.

She tells me that she is trying, but it sure doesn't seem like it.

On the phone when I am away she seems ok, but she doesn't seem to interested in really "talking". Just small talk about work and everything. I may put the 180 into full effect here real soon.
She needs to get out of the fog so she can see what is really going on.

Day by Day...

r0uter

rOuter, it does get very confusing, it's a roller coaster, it does get to me at times also.

My wife is home, but I can still see she is thinking of other things, conversation at times is strained and at other times it seems to be fine.

I still get the I love you routine, but it's going to take time, if ever to get all the feelings back. I've told her it will never be the same as before, we are going to have to rebuild all that was lost.

It really hurts to be treated this way considering I was not the one that strayed.

By the way, did you see your doctor yet????, imprtant for ya. Take care.
Rookie

Today should be a interesting day. The wife is going to see a new therapist, the last one she was going to, I blieve was one who stressed the co-dependant theory, as after each session with this particuliar therapist she would come home in a agressive mood, needing her space and argumentative.

Hopefully the new therapist is of the mind set of saving marriages and not destroying them with off the wall theories that make you feel good for the moment but destroy your life in the process.

This whole experience has been devestating to me and I thank the good lord I found this site, many of you who have responded have done so out concern for a fellow being and it is greatly appreciated.

At times I thought I was loosing my mind, but with the responses I have recieved here it has really helped me stay focused, so many of you have lived the exact same misery and the lines your spouses have give to you were identical, this means so much to me at this time as it give atleast a glimmer of hope knowing so many others have traveled the same path and have been sucessful.

Things here have improved, marginally, but a improvement in the least. I still get the I love you, but not in love with you routine which seems to be repeated here so often.

We are supposed to go on vacation next month, two weeks ago she was not going to go, but now she is.
I want to thank all, speacially TMCM and rOuter for sharing their experiences, again, knowing others are going through the same thing and what to expect is a great advantage, as stated before it seem that the WS'S all have the identical lines and knowing them and what to expect is some what comforting.

To be continued.............
Rookie

Rookie,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> By the way, did you see your doctor yet????, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I have been on the road and away from home and have not been able to schedule an appt. But, I still plan to do that, esp if things don't improve soon.

I hope that your wife's new therapist helps too. I know that the one my W sees doesn't seem to do her much good either. And I have a sneaky suspicion that she doesn't tell her therapist the whole story.

I echo what you said about the help here on this site!! I am so glad that I found this place, it has truly become my refuge! Thank you and TMCM for all of the wise and kind words of encouragement also.

I hope that your vacation goes well, I wish I had one scheduled. The last vacation we took was the cruise in March when she dropped the bomb! What fun that was, kinda makes it hard to remember it as a good trip. Although, up until the time that she told me, we were having a blast!

Your post makes it sound like you will not be back for a while, is this the case? I hope that you will still be around, I have enjoyed exchanging stories and hope to continue.

Take care,

r0uter

<small>[ July 02, 2003, 09:59 AM: Message edited by: r0uter ]</small>

rOuter, I plan on being here for quite some time.The last post was just something I wanted to say.

Seems that most of the time the only place you can really say what is on your mind and vent is here. To say it to the wife would most likely result in a blow out.

The vacation was planned last year with a down payment for the reservations. Wish I could turn the clock back to that time, but you cant, soooo, keep truckin on.

If you do anything, make and keep that appointment with your doctor, at least promise me that one. You need to get and stay focused.

With all that is going on in your life right now you have to be confused as hell, do something for yourself for a change, you wont regret it.

Rookie

Hey guys, have you planned to do some fun stuff over the next couple of weekends? you should for it will not only get you out of the house but also forces you to exercise and meet new people. Not to mention, your wives MAY also take notice and think about you more if they see that you aren't waiting on them hand and foot.