Rookie,

My son is ten. It sounds like you handled it beautifully, I commend you for that.

My son is the smartest 9 yo I have ever known, (and I am not biased in that opinion) and I am sure that he has already sensed some problems between us. The OM is our next door neighbor, and used to be at our house all the time. We would play cards almost every weekend, and really did almost everything with them. Their youngest (12yo) son is my son's best friend, we always comment that they are more like brothers than friends. And I know that my son must have noticed that we don't even talk to them anymore, but he has never mentioned it! ?

I will use the same approach as you did, and let his intelligence figure out what is important to him. That way I won't tell him more than he wants/needs to know. Thanks for the insight!!

r0uter

rookie, on the surface it looks like you are using the 10 yo as a weapon against your WW, but let's take a closer examination.

Your WW has a child that she is going to have to win over in accepting the OM as her new companion. Is she going to do this by telling him the truth? Of course not, she knows that he is old enough to know that what she did is wrong and so she is going to have to resort to lies in order to convince him that what she did was the right thing. Now that you told him the truth, it is going to be extremely hard for her to convince him to accept this interloper into his life. Furthermore, if she TRULY cares about his pain, she's going to have work on repairing the damage she's caused by doing the right thing which is dumping the OM and returning home to work on the marriage.

Even if you had not told him the truth, he would still suffer if and when the time came that his mother decided to leave you for good. YOU ARE his father and he would experience a lot of pain in not seeing you on a daily basis. So trying to spare him any pain is an exercise in futility.

Always remind yourself that every action you take to save your marriage, you are doing it for his benefit as well.

I had a long talk with my daughter tonight. I told her yesterday about what is REALLY going on in our marriage and not the wife's, I've fallen out of love version.

My daughter was very upset with the W and e-mailed her telling her so. It forced the wife to finally admit that she does have a emotional attachment to the OP,,, at least it's a start of the truth. I dont know if it will do any good at this point, but it is good that SHE has to finally be confronted with it.

Hi Router and Rookie,

It must be so difficult to tell the children.
There is an article that may help you in that situation.

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

Hope it helps,

Ladysheep

Spreading the truth about her A will sour her experiences with the OM. And even if she is still in contact with him, chances are that they are not celebrating their encounters like they did before the A was exposed to the world. Keep spreading the truth to more close family and friends.

She went to see her therapist this morning, her big question was, is it proper to let a ten yoa know about what is truly going on with the problems in a marriage, and if he, the son is capable of handling it.

I'm sure her therapist, with my W's guidance, is going say I'm a pshyco who is just vindictive and I did more harm to my son than I'll ever realize.

Havent spoken to her yet, dont want to call her and seem like I'm prying, but when she gets home tonight from work I expect hell to pay for.

Well we will hope first that you are wrong. Maybe she will find out from her therapist that it WAS right to tell your son.

If she does give you heck, just try to remember not to LB! I know that will be hard especially when it is your son that you are talking about.

Also rest assured that telling him WAS the right thing to do. From what you said about how your son reacted, and the things you discussed, I think he was old enough to draw his own conclusions about the situation. Also, you have taught him that honesty is very important, even if it hurts! IMVHO

Hope it all goes well,

r0uter

rOuter, I suspect the therapist might have told her that I might have been right, otherwise I think she might have called to tell me how wrong I was to tell him.

How are things on your end, you still out of the house?.

My W is supposed to move out on Sat., one way I'll be glad that I dont have to deal with this on a daily basis, but on the other, I still love her and it's going to hurt like hell.

Things are the same here, still out of the house, still in the dark as to what her intentions are. But I am coping the best I can.

I think you are probably right, she might well have called you just to rub it in. Maybe this will help her clear the fog a little?!

Moving out was the hardest thing I have ever done. I can imagine that seeing her leave would have been just as difficult. I hope and pray that you handle it well. I tried hard not to show any emotion as I drove away, but once I was out of sight, I had a hard time driving through the tears. I don't mean to make it any harder for you, but be ready for a flood of emotions. Just know that the pain does subside a little after time. I still hurt very badly, and want nothing more than to go home, but it gets a little easier every day.

Good luck and hang on!!

r0uter

PS - I can't wait until the day that we both can say that we are on the road to recovery!

I am shaking I am so upset!

I just went to pay the cell phone bills online, and not only is her bill outrageous, but I can see from the call detail that she has been lying to me about contacting him! I am pretty sure (tho not 100%) that she told him n/c around the 14th or 15th of June. The call detail goes to the 20th and there are calls to him on that date!
I am really not sure how to handle this, I want to explode! If I talk to her right now, I don't think I could contain myself!
I wanted so badly to believe her, and still she lies! I just don't understand it, and I don't deserve it!
I think I am going to call the OW and see if she knows anything about it. We were very close friends and I don't think she has any ill-feelings toward me. I just have to know what is going on!

Down and out again!!!

r0uter

rOuter, sorry bout the calls, did you ever see your friend the doctor for the meds?, if not please go.

The ongoing saga,,,, my daughter works for a fairly large company, today several people from another co. are walking through, a guy stops by her desk when he see's her name plate, he asks if he knows a woman by the first name of my wife, and that the woman works for the co. the W works for, daughter say yes, the guy then says, I know a guy that is dating her and she better watch out the guy is a real a**hole, and walks away.

D calls W tells her about the episode, and W comes home saying it's all over, how can she face the kids with me telling them all that happened. That I should have kept this all between ourselves and that there is no chance of things working now as she is not going to face everyone that is going to be pointing fingers at her(my D is her step-D).

Seems like there is always one reason or another according to her as to why she cant work on the marriage, this is getting real old.

I did stay calm even though she was going off.

What she is trying to do is redirect the blame back to you. This could all have been avoided if SHE had ended all contact with OM. So she's got no one to blame but herself.

TMCM, I blieve you are correct, she is directing the blame this way because it the whole thing was kept to myself for so long and she never had to confront anyone else with the lies and deciept to continue the A.

It's hitting home now that people know, but her still being in a thick fog is not helping matters at all.

If and when she does break contact with the OP, like everyone else that I've seen post here, maybe, just maybe she will see how ridiculous the whole thing was.

Last night we spoke, very calmly. I asked her what it was that she was so atracted to the OP. She said that their conversation were light, always fun and always calm.

I did stated that if there were some responcibilites and conclficts that needed to be resolved, maybe the conversations would not be so attractive, at this point she did that, was a possibility.

She is moving to her mom's Sat., it's very hard on me with her taking the son, but I have to get through that.

She did get iritated with me last night, she drew up a calendar and asked me to fill in what days I waas available to be with my son, since I am with him Mon.-Friday all day I started to laugh, which put her over the edge, I said I retired, I took the summer off to be with him I am available everyday. She wanted me to mark down my availbility, so I filled available on every day of the calender, again set her off, was not intentional, simply told her you asked when I'm available, and that is every day this summer.

Sorta like talking to a wall,all I ever hear is how this whole thing caused her pain and guilt, and now that the kids know, the pain of loosing their respect. And a new reason daily as to why she cant work things out.

Guess it hasnt bothered me at all, didnt leave the house for bout a month, cept for shopping, lost 35 lbs, cant sleep and am on anti dep. meds.
I guess us BS's handle it alot better that the WS.

rookie,

My wife has said the same things about her OM. She didn't necessarily find him physically attractive, but enjoyed his company. I said the same thing you did, it is easy to be fun and carefree with someone who has no responsibilities when they are around you. I even reminded her that that was the way we were too! Mine did not agree, actually she didn't disagree either. Most of the time, she doesn't have much to say at all, and doesn't show much emotion. I am truly beginning to lose hope.

Still hasn't called me all week.

r0uter

rOuter, definetely at the point where hope is fading, being told constantly every reason why this cant be worked out.

Like I said earlier, every day there is a new issue to get over, I try not to engage her in her rants at this point and have learned to walk away for a time out so I dont say something I dont mean, but at times it's imposible.

Sunday when she start off on me, I simply informed her I was going to let her work know that the OP was using a business phone to conduct his A, and if I waas paying 300 a month so they could carry on, maybe he should reimburse that amount to the business for their phone expenses.
Sooo, that was another reason she could not stay in the marriage, because I threatened her with loosing her job.

I'm very, very close, even though I love her to say forget the whole thing.

She says she has made attempts to reconcile, couple weeks ago, why didnt I see it, well I did, but whenever I would bring up that we needed to see a MC, that was out of the question, when she saw her new therapist and had to relive all the trauma in her life and that it upset her so bad that she had to move to another bedroom again, that was my fault for not reading her mind. If she ever once verbalized that she wanted to wrok things out, it would have made a world of diferance

I'm told I'm not the same person I was, after explaining that I've given up drinking, I'm on meds, that the stress is unbearable, I get almost daily reminders that the OP is still in the picture, it makes no diferance.

God help me but I do love her, but there is nothing I can do right now without her help, or her realizing that we need to work on things, by simply ignoring issues things will not get better.

I've tried to be as open and calm about things as possible, but there are moments that things just get me going. Been doing this for 6 months now, I need to forget about her feelings and simply start worrying about my own.

Yesterday I recieved a call from the OP's wife, both she and I used to work for the same entity that the W and the OP are still employed at.

She informed me that she spoke with some friends that she still has there. They stated they heard a rumor that the OP's wife is divorcing the OP because the OP's W had a affair, she wanted me to know that was not the case.

Several other people that were involved in that dicussion did state the rumor was false. the reason for the divorce was because of the A between my W and the OP, all in her dept. know of the A.

I then get a call from one of the guys I used to work with, the rumor in my dept. is I am getting a divorce because of the A, he knew the name of the OP.

My wife comes home last night and I left to go to a friends house right after dinner, I was not in the best of moods after getting two phone calls in one day and the phone call from my daughter the day before.

When I came back home the wife started getting on me again how all is my fault, I told her I didnt want to argue and that I also had feelings about this that were upsetting me.

As usual,she it was her pain about everything that was detrimental to any reconciliation.

I informed her that I get slapped in the face almost daily with her A, and that yes, it bothers me also. I then informed her of the conversations I had(I was going to contact her work to advise them, seems I dont have to)

She was crying hysterical that all are laughing and pointing fingers at her.

At this point, again, I held her and let her cry it out, but in the end, it was me who is still the problem.

She is supposed to move to moms on Sat. as I rpeviously posted, well, they were putting their home up for sale, last night someone showed extreme interest in the home and wants to buy it.
W is nopw freaking as she is not supposed to get her apr. till Sept, but if the home is sold she has no where to go.

She is again telling me that had I not told the kids and made her look like a horse's a**, she would have considered staying, I'm having a hard time figuring this one out....the saga goes on.

I feel your frustration!

IMVHO your W may have a serious inferiority complex. Or at a minimum and very low self-esteem. Maybe that is not the face that she shows everyone, but by her words, that is what I am hearing. She is overly concerned about what everyone around her thinks of her. (I can relate, my W is similar) This to me says that she still has not forgiven herself, let alone, it seems, accepted any of the blame for what happened. I tend to not worry too much about what people think of me, doesn't affect my pay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and worrying about it doesn't change it! I wish that it was that easy for everyone, but the fact is: it isn't that easy for people like our W's. We need to find a way to convince them that the best way to change what people think, is to show them something different. Let them start talking about how great it is that you have started to repair your marriage. Give them something positive to talk about. Then they will keep quiet! Because people don't like to spread good rumors, that's just not fun! But, I believe that if people see that she is back home trying to repair her marriage, people will stop laughing (if they really were in the first place. The people that don't stop laughing or don't change their minds aren't worth bothering with in the first place.) and, she could actually gain respect that she didn't have before! It takes a bigger person to face the music sometimes than it does to walk away from pain and anger.
Now, if I could just create a pill...

I hope that the house situation is an act of God, his way of telling her that she should just stay home and work things out.

Take care and God bless,

r0uter

She is still moving tomorow, I've been as supporitve as I coould be.

I've told her that if she needs anything she can count on me. I'm trying to let her leave with the impression of someone who cares, not a ranting maniac.

It will be interesting to see the interaction between the son and the OP should be if he ever show up. Now that the S knows all, he is a pretty robust little individual, I dont think he would take kindly to OP simply walking in and trying to fill my shoes(well he's leaving his son over this so I dont think his concern about my son will be overwhelming)

It will also be interesting to see how long they stay together, should they get together, once they have to face real life problems.

I did ask her the other night what was so attractive about her conversations with the OP, she told me they were always nonconfrontational, funny ahd light, well, lets throw reality in the picture and see how the conversations go from there.

My W is they type that she is very emotional when trying to get a point across, she WILL get in your face if she doesnt think her point is being understood or accepted, let's see how sweet jeans handles that.......

The reason why she's pissed about you telling the world about her A is that she doesn't want to end it while at the same time deriving benefit from being still married to you. In other words, you just took away her cake.