Sue,

I did tell him about this site. Asked him to please honestly take a look at it. It is a trip to get away from here so he can decide what to do. I'm unsure of how long it will be, but he is getting a work transfer for as long as he wants to be wherever he is going. I know this does not necessarily mean there is no hope, but is this common? I am also frightened because I can see how confused he is, and yet he still refuses to talk to a counselor. I just wonder what my next step should be....if I should give him space or continue to write supportive e-mails. Just don't know

I can understand the need to get away. I wanted to run, run as farway and as fast away as I could. I would leave work and want to keep driving. The thing is, you can run, you can walk, but you cannot hide. The pain will follow you. Honestly, I think that is what he is doing. He is trying to avoid the situation, instead of facing it.

I believe you understand the pain you caused, it is bad, he wants to get away from it. He can think and decide here. He does not have to leave. He wants to get away from the pain. Initially, it might work, it will come back to haunt him. He may regret his decision to leave later on. He thinks he has to leave.

I don't know if this is good or bad.

What I would do, is keep in touch, do not bombard. Be honest with him when he has questions. Stay faithful during this period of seperation. (I believe you will be). This will be critical. If he discovers that at anytime you contact OM, it will set back or destroy any hope of recovery.

I know it A is over, you still could write a NC letter, e-mail it to your H, tell him you want to send this to the OM, to reenforce that you have no intention of having any contact with OM. At this point, this may be splitting hairs as to whether or not this is important. It might be important to your H and it may not be. If it matter to your H, let him be the one to send it.

I know you are in pain right now, wondering if you have destroyed your M. You want to know if there is a chance, you want to know if you should put your energy into healing from the loss of your M or into rebuilding the M. Living in limbo is not fun. Unfortunately, time will tell. Be patient.

lost - you are showing a lot of commitment to saving your marriage. That is an amazing thing.

I wish I could see that in my wife. That is why I am still undecided about staying or leaving her.

If you keep showing your H how much you love him and how much you want to save your marriage, one day he will see. It will not be easy and it may take a very long time, but I think you two have a good chance. I wish you the best.

Hope, Thanks - I just almost responded to your thread this morning! I hope my H is willing like you are to at least try. I wish the best for you and your W. I hope she can genuinely commit to your marriage. I know that for me, if I am going to do it, it has to be 100%. It will never be the same, but I know what I want. I want my H, I want my M, and I want happiness. Although right now, it's up to my H and things aren't looking so good. But I will not give up yet! Try not to give up yourself. BTW - I appreciate your perspective and support.

E-mail to H last night
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You mentioned something earlier today about "once a cheater, always a cheater." I know that you are trying to figure out if you can trust me ever again. All I can tell you is this....I am not the same person as I was 6 months ago. I have done something horrible, and in many cases unforgiveable. But what I have done is done. What I can do (and am doing now) is learn from my mistakes and try to be a better person than the one I was. There are reasons that made me succeptible to what I did. They are not excuses - I made the wrong decision 100%. But I am also acutely aware that it was the wrong decision. It has caused nothing but pain, grief, and hurt in many people - most importantly you. I cannot fathom a reason why anyone would deserve this kind of pain, and I plan to take every step, every precaution to prevent it in the future.

It was something where inside, I was feeling worthless, rejected, unwanted... What I realize now is that this rose out of my insecurity - and I have to take precautionary steps to make sure I don't end up in the same place. I have done an incredible amount of reading on www.marriagebuilders.com . I think it is possible to get past an affair - I have seen threads of posts from people who have. But I also believe that it is your decision if you want to try or not. I have faith in our love. And I love you enough to know that you deserve to be happy. In the future, if you are unable to forgive or trust me again, then you deserve to be with someone who can fulfill that need. But, if you find you can forgive and trust me again, the burden is on me to prove by actions and honesty that I am committed to you. I am not ready to give up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Response from H

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I understand how you are feeling, but I don't think I can feel any optimism from your words. Nobody has ever hurt me like you have....If you truly feel bad for what you did, imagine how I feel...embarrassed, betrayed, used, hopeless, lifeless.

You have changed me as a person forever, and not in any good way, and that is something I don't think I can ever forgive you for. I will forgive you for your actions in the future, but not for the fact that you have forever changed me as a person.

You wrote that you believe people can get past situations like this....I believe you 100%. I hear it happening all the time. But I don't know if I can give you that chance. I honestly don't think you deserve another chance. I have no trust, sympathy or respect for you whatsoever and that's completely your fault.

You wrote that you are not ready to give up on us, but in my eyes, you gave up on us the first time you cheated on me. You gave up on our friendship all the other times after that. I don't consider you my lover or friend anymore....

I will try some sort of counseling, because you have asked me to...However, I want to let you know that you don't have the luxury of giving me advice/suggestions on what is best for me. Only friends have that luxury, and you destroyed any friendship we had. Please don't do it anymore, because it is a slap in the face to me.

I hate all of the pain you are putting me through....Because of you, I now question whether my life is worth living. Don't just feel sorry that you have hurt me, feel remorse for destroying another person's entire life...

I love who I thought you were, not the person I think of you as now...While I have no doubt that you want to change as a person, I seriously question whether you ever will in my eyes </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I deserve what I get, but any suggestions?

WOW! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ..............I would definately give him time. The more you try and grasp onto whats left, the more you will shove him away. Stay in contact, not too often, but give him time and space. You have a long road ahead of you. Good luck and God Bless!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

lost in tx......may I ask what ended the A??? Was it because you felt bad about what you were doing?......did the OM leave you? Was he married? In order to help, I feel we need a bit more detail as to how your A started, why it continued, and why it ended? Its up to you to divulge this information, but I feel it will be helpful in determining a good game plan to save your marriage.

Your husband said a lot of my feelings. WOW. Not all but some.

Jimmymac Was that response meant for me. If so post on walked in on it.

Pray that he will get good advice from his friends.

Keep in touch, don't be pushy. He needs space.

You could briefly acknowledge things in his reply such as

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have no trust, sympathy or respect for you whatsoever and that's completely your fault.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is my fault. I have to earn your trust back and your respect.

I understand that you do not think I had respect for you because I had an A. I really did. I did not show it at the time. I was wrong. I had enough respect for you to tell you the truth when I realized how wrong I was. I knew that by telling you the truth I was risking our marriage. I could not keep lying to you, so I had to tell you.

------------------------------------------------

I am not very good with letters, so it could be improved upon. This would help to keep the lines of communication open, and you could try to show him you are remorseful.

If he only knew how lucky he really is. He does not feel lucky right now. There are so many BS's here that long to have a WS that tells them what you have told your H.

Some of his friends are probably either part of an A or their spouse is, and they don't know it. I did not realize how much it was going on until I found this site, and since then, more and more people around me the BS of A's.

Good luck and God Bless you. I really hope he realizes that he is lucky that you want to make the M work, and you are not confused about the OM. He could move on, and it could happen again or it could not.

StartinOver - I have been a woos and have double posted here on MB. For my story, read "Advice from WS's" on "Recovery." I will probably end this thread today so that I am not being irritable to everybody!

Anyhow, OM ended it a week and a day ago to work on his M with his W. However, OM made contact yesterday, and I did let my H know that I did not (and do not have the desire to) contact him back. I am committed. Even though he initially ended it, I can prove my committment by not responding to him in any other fashion than a NC letter. My turn now. Only I really want to work for this!

I should know this, but don't

What is a woos?

Why do you think you are irritable. I have no problems with you being here. You want to work on your M, you made a mistake, you want to rectify it and make it work.

Thank you, Sue. We made some small progress today - I have posted it on "Recovery" under "Advice from WS's." I really do love him - am committed - and will make myself an open book. If he chooses not to be with me, then at least I know that I did everything possible to try. He does need space. I will give it to him. I miss him so much.

Writing while you were writing! Anyway "woos, wus, puss" - kind of like a mild coward. Just saying so because I thought my situation belonged in recovery (where I was) and just found out (where my H was). So most of my long posts are mirrored in both. Someone (I can't remember who) commented on it earlier. They are probably right - should stick to one posting thread....

If you don't mind, I will travel over to Recovery to see how you are doing.

I hope you two make it.