KB both halves:

There's a lot 2 honesty and truthfulness, privacy and secrecy, that pertains 2 afffairs. Both the WS and the BS are coming at recovery from 2 very different perspectives, and can only progress if they can find some common ground between that won't put either on the defensive, which stalls progress.

I found out about my W's A by inadvertently discovering emails between her and RM (her OM). I held on2 the ability 2 access her emails for another 2ple months, because I didn't believe I could trust her 2 tell me about continued contact. Un42nately, I was right. At first. Gradually, though, I realized that her concepts of privacy and secrecy differed from mine (I didn't believe either of us had a "right" 2 privacy from each other, but she did).

Snooping will make you crazy. Whether it's justified or not, it will drive you crazy and anger the WS. But, with time and work on your relationship, you will find that you won't need 2 snoop 2 verify your spouse is being truthful with you. You will be able 2 sense this (and this will be healthy for BOTH of you, and will help your recovery). At some point, like possibly even now, additional information about the A won't help you (after all, you certainly already know there was one), and you'll need 2 focus your attention away from the pain and on2 positive things like forgiveness and reconnection.

Here's a quote about privacy, secrecy, truth, and honesty that has helped me understand my W's perspective better.

"The Difference Between Secret And Private

Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.

Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.

Private: I believe in reincarnation.

Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.

Private: I got terrible grades in high school.

Secret: I forged my medical degree.

The Difference Between Truth and Honesty

Truth is empirical, demonstrable fact. Your bank balance, today’s date, whether or not you’re married.

Honesty is about feelings. If you’re honest, you are open and clear about how you feel. You can be truthful without being honest and you can be honest without being truthful (the latter a little more difficult). The best relationships, stating the painfully obvious, are both truthful and honest. Trust is built on both truth and honesty, tempered by the proof of predictability and reliability."

KB did you tell your W that in order for you to regain your trust in her that snooping would have to be something necessary for you for some time? If you didn't then I suggest that you do tell her this. Furthermore you might want to explain to her that because this was not a ONS(one night stand) the chances of her ending the affair cold turkey are extremely unlikely no matter how much you want to beleive otherwise.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

WS has to tell BS as much as BS wants to hear about the details of the A.

But, please understand that inquiries into the A by BS are very painful to WS.

The WS has constructed a little world where the A exists. In this little world, the A was really nice and wonderful. But, when WS pulls the A out into the sunlight, and starts showing it to other people, like BS, the A looks pretty sad and ridiculous.

You begin to realize that A wasn't a relationship, it was little more than a f***-fest. And then you realize that your M is in the crapper, and you have a huge problem. And, you wish the whole thing would go away.

BS starts sobbing every time you tell them another detail. If the WS has feelings for the BS, it really, really hurts.

And, of course, BS is stabbing you every chance he/she gets. E.g., "So, you went and f****d your wh*** instead of going to your daughter's recital?"

Yikes. Try sitting through that for a couple of hours.

It gets too much for WS too handle, and WS starts shutting down. WS is emotionally spent and gets defensive and pulls out all the usual crap about, "Can't we move on? I did it. Isn't that enough?"

For the record, I'm explaining. If the M is going to be saved, WS has to give BS all the information to BS wants. But, it is very, very painful to WS.

A note about honesty: For BOTH WS and BS

After a betrayal has taken place, honesty is the second most important issue to resolve, first being ending the affair.

Often some of what the BS is asking will indeed cause more pain...but...it is a stepping stone in rebuilding the trust in what is said. It not only can and does answer some of the questions which will continue to come up time and time again, if not answered...but...it allows the BS a sense of security which is sadly lacking...and MUST be replaced. Successful rebuilding will not happen if honesty does not return to the marriage...the foundation will always be flawed and in danger of failure.

Now...for the BS...they need to understand and accept that they are going to hear some very painful things if they want the truth. It is their responsiblity to hear them WITHOUT hitting the ceiling. The BS must create an environment of safety for the WS to tell the truth. If you don't, then when your WS gives you the truth, then has to scape you off the ceiling...they are LESS likely to be honest the next time around.

Now for snooping!!!!

Snooping comes with the territory of being betrayed. They not only need to hear and see the truth...they need to be able to prove it to themselves that it is the truth. The WS must tell the truth, the BS must not only hear the truth...but know it for the truth it is. They fear their own judgement of being able to hear a lie...and thus must check for themselves. It has much to do with trying to regain control of THEIR own life and choices, something they feel very much out of control. AND...every single time that the truth has been spoken and the BS has confirmed it to be the truth (especially if it was a painful truth to tell and to hear)...trust is being rebuilt.

IF the WS will make it EASIER not harder for the BS to snoop...the faster the BS will have no desire to snoop. Open up those cell phone bills, email accounts, whatever. Snooping takes a LOT of energy away from the rebuilding of the marriage, so the easier it is for the BS to snoop, the sooner it becomes a non-issue.

Besides...a marriage is between partners...and there is a LARGE difference between having some personal privacy and having a hidden life which is damaging to the marriage and to your spouse. You should SHARE...that is a big part of a marriage...and that includes sharing information which directly effects the marriage.

Please remember...trying to protect a BS AFTER d-day is misguided, even if with the best of intentions. The time for protection passed...only the truth will set both of you on a true healing path.

God Bless!