HI Star,well get something to snack on this might be long.

I guess I will start at the beginning since you want to know about me.

I met my H in HS freshman year I guess I liked him from the start.He was kind,polite,funny not a player like a lot of guys in HS.He ran track and was just an all around nice guy.We had the typical HS romance,dances movies long talks on the phone and then after a couple of months broke up you know HS stuff.
Over christmas break of our sophmore year he asked me out agian and from that moment on true love began to develope,we were insepratable.
One year later I found myself pregnant and we were scared to death what would we do? He wanted me to get an abortion but I just could not I told him I would have the baby and if he still wanted to marry me after HS like we planned he could.He said no we would do the right thing and get married and take care of the baby.
So at the young ages of 16 and 17 we became husband and wife.

Years one and two became abusive. He would loose control and beat me often one time landing me in the emergency room with two black eyes and almost every inch of my body bruised,the nurses could not believe nothing was broken.On the way home from the hospital the friends that took me and myself stopped to pick up a pizza,why I went inside in that condition I'm really not sure but after being in the pizza parlor for probably less than 10 min.I passed out.I came to with a police officer saying to the paramedics "I know this girl,this is not the first time this has happened" then he looked at me and said "Honey please do something I cant help you till your dead".I did nothing,I was in love.But a little piece of me was lost that day.

Soon we moved hoping that would help and it did we had no one but each other to depend on and things got better.My mother was not doing well so after about 15mo.we decided to move back into town I wanted to be closer to my mom because of her health.She died the day we moved back.I think a piece of me died too.

Year 4 brought us a new baby girl she was born on the one year aniversary of my mothers death a bitter sweet day. It still is 23yrs later.

Years 5&6 brought more problems by this time my H had been using drugs mostly pot and he began to drink more we had numerous times of seperation but always got back together.No matter what in the end we were still in love and hated being away from each other.

Year 9 brought our 3rd child another boy,my H was still smoking pot it was getting worse he was now getting high before work trying to hide it from me but I knew.I was also working making pretty good money the best I have ever made,but he was so irresponsible when it came to the kids that I felt they were in real danger while they were with him.I quit my job.I don't think he has ever forgiven me for that.

By this time in my life I was worn out tired of the drug use it had cost us thousands of dollars he had been arrested more than one time and when our baby was about 16mo. old he left for a fishing trip with BIL and ended up in jail for posesion.We had to get a lawyer sell our car it was a mess.He stopped using after that.But it only lasted about 6mo.just till everything blew over.

We fought often and he always expected me to wait on him,take care of the house,the kids,the bills everything.He never really helped out not like other H I would see.I got to the point where I could not live this way any longer.
His drinking,drugs and anger had taken its toll on me.So I decided to leave.

By this time we had been married for 12yrs.It was the holiday season and the baby needed surgery so I decided to have that taken care of let the kids have a nice holiday and get my tubes tied before I made my get away I knew I would be without insurance once I left.My H had made a real turn around by this time and had become very possesive of me.When I told him of my plans he would threaten me telling me I was his wife and I was not going anywhere.

Well I went in to get my tubes tied and to my surprise they could not do the surgery I was PREGNANT. How could that be I swear we were not even having sex at this time, to this day I still do not know how I ever ended up pregnant.There went my plans.It was getting harder to find the person I use to be by now.

Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I became a christian. Everyone always thinks this is when I changed my mind to stay.NO this is when I relized I had to get out.
After the baby was born,My H went to church with us and he would tell you this himself he was high but he went,two weeks later he became a christian too.PTL my life was about to change.

The next 3yrs were the best of my life our M was the best it had ever been we were so happy.Then we moved to were we live now and the drinking started up again.

Over the last 11yrs. I have put up with his temper,his drinking and I have heard rummor that he has occasionally smoked some pot.
And through all of this how could I have forgotten his flirting.Yes he is a big flirt,he does not see it.
About 6yrs ago while at a company christmas party he left me at the table to spend the entire night at the bar with 3women.They were all drunk saying things that should not have been said and the next day they pressed sexual harrassment charges on him.It all blew over but there I was the rumor of the town.I think I lost more of me then.

I could go on and on I am only touching the surface of my life.No I am not perfect,I get angry I get tired and I got to the point where I just had nothing left to give so I stopped......

That was a year ago that is when he met the OW while playing games online.My H is a work-a-holic work has always come before the family.He is trying to build a website buisness and so he would spend hours on the computer.

I knew something was up but I trusted him,I never snooped.I wish I would have.

The more he got involved with OW the meaner he was to me.He got to the point where he never even spoke to me and when he did he would not look me in the eye.

I would ask him to take vacations with us he always said no.Last Nov.he took a vacation alone he told me it was to meet some people about his website.I believed him.He flew to OW state to meet her.

D-day was 12/7/2002.A whole lot of me died that day.I have not been the same.I look and look for the person who could make it through just about anything and I cant find her.

That is just a little of my life to get you cought up as we chat I will let you know more.But at least now you have a little back ground of my M.And me at least what is left of me!!!

I look forward to your reply. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Ginger

Me Sue,

How did you do it, stay? I would have been long gone. My life looks like a walk in the park compared to yours. On my thread, you always made it sound like I had it worse.

If my H landed his butt in jail, jail is where he would have sat, and I would not have sold the family car to bail him out or pay for the attorney. I would have told him, get a second job. (This is why my H thinks I'm a B****), because I tell him things like this.

My H used to drink more than he does now. Not everyday, and it never made him angry, I told him, you drink and drive and get busted, don't call me to bail you out, call me to let me know where you are. I will leave you there. I'll pick you up when they let you go.

You have been through a lot. Have you hugged yourself lately and told yourself that you are someone special? you should, if you don't

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 07:48 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Thanks Sue you always say the nicest things.

As a matter of fact ever since the A the last thing I have felt is special.Honestly I have felt like all I was,was someone that could just be thrown away, that easy like trash.I have had the hardest time dealing with this feeling.

To be honest I left a whole lot of what has really happened in my life out.
I could write a book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I believe you did leave alot out. My experience with an alcoholic, everday was an adventure, and not a pleasant one. I neve knew what to expect. If you told everthing in one post, you would never sleep, because you would still be typing.

Your right Sue,I would be writing and writing you all would eventually tell me please stop we can take no more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ginger,

I have not been in this part of the forum today, and so I missed this. I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought that I would come and read. That's when I saw your post to me. So sorry it's taken so long to answer.

I am simply amazed by the stories that each of us bring with us to this board.....and yours is a particularly sad and challenging one. Thank you so much for sharing it with me....and sharing your spirit.

It has left me with more questions than answers. What is happening now? The obvious...Why do you stay? I have so many....but don't want to inundate you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I look and look for the person who could make it through just about anything and I cant find her.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh she's here ginger.....I see her here. It takes a special person of spirit to tend to others like you do.....and hardly ever complain, or post about your feelings, when you have been living in the midst of this. You try to give hope to others.....that isn't the work of a weak person ginger.

I look forward to our discussions <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ginger
You remind me alot of my mom. A strong woman who thru years of pain and various sorts of abuse has managed to take care of the children. Whew, you arent lost,you have just done what she did all thos years except in her case it was with differant partners..I come for more than one divorce...She put herself on hold and cared for all around her. She was a grown up way before her time and played the cards dealt to her.

How do you continue? Where does all that strength come from ? What are you doing now? Do you have plans?

My mom always had plans and finally made them a reality, took awhile but she did. Im amazed at the stories I see here on this board, the pain and the strength born from it. Because it is strength to continue daily adn not let things beat you down you have my respect dear woman, and my prayers.

star*bump

How are you doing ginger?

Star,HMTHK and Sue,

Ok I am sooooooo glad I was alone when I read these replies,I became a crying fool thanks guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Plans......Right now I just want to get over this A and the pain,nothing in my life compares to the pain I feel now.I feel so abandond(sp)even though my H is still here.Never have I felt so disposable and worthless as now.I try to tell my self I am something but it isn't working my H says I'm having a pity party,honestly that is not what I am trying to do I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me I just hurt deep deep inside an unexplainable pain,I'm sure you guys can relate.

To be honest not many people who know me know of my past I dont tell many I don't want anyone judgeing my H,funny huh.I have only told one person about his A once again trying to protect him.The funny thing is he tells me the reason he had the A was because he thought I didn't love him any more.

Today was a good day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Ginger,

My H used to invalidate my feelings. One day, I told him, that they are my feelings, I'm entitled to feel what I feel, and he does not have the right to invalidate them. Some would say this is counterproductive to Plan A. Possibly an LB. I do not feel that standing up for your self respect is an LB. (This may by why I do a poor Plan A).

Ginger Ginger Ginger (can you see me shaking my head?)lol
The reason for the head shaking???I to tried to and still do protect my ws..Funny how we try to protect those who hirt us so much.

As for yur worth? Honey girl, your alive, your trying your best to go thru your daily routine, your there for those kids....Nuff said...

Dont expect your feelings to change or go away or get over it at the drop of a hat..As for a pity party, I fully understand, its almost like someone came up and knocked the wind out of you and you cant catch your breathe..Plus when you try it hurts so you play a game of seeing how long you can go without coming up for air...
Been there done that...I still have moments of why's and what ifs and what am I doing here...

Lady , dont you doubt your strength, your much more than you care to give yourself credit for.
Read the posts, read the steps, post your feelings, vent, get angry, its all normal but you have to keep you healthy and sane. i know easier said than done,but it can happen and with you I feel your gonna make it one way or another. I will be saying a prayer for you for strength and guideance and security and protection.....Let me know how you are doing...

Thanks guys

I had a post going for a while but got to the point where I just felt enough said.I would rather give an encouraging word if I can to some one, it helps me I guess.
I look at others and what they are going through and say what am I doing crying.

I know I will find the strenght some where.My grand kids are here right now and to be perfectly honest about two days before they came I was crying and crying with fear that I would not have the strength to take care of them.But God is good and he is giving me what I need to make it through each day.

And at night if things are bad I just lay in bed in the dark and cry.

ginger,

As I said before, I have more questions than answers now. What is your husband doing to help the recovery process? If he isn't doing anything, and won't....what will you do? Have you guys had any counseling at all?

I guess I better stop asking questions....or I'll go on forever. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It sounds like your husband has been killing little bits of you for a long time. This makes me worry for you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Star*,

You found a nice and tactful way to say it. I too worry for you Ginger

Ginger,

I too know how you feel having survived an abusive childhood. One thing you haven't mentioned are your children? How are they doing in all this? What is this doing to them? How is his example affecting them?

I'm worried for you and for them. Please let me know.

I posted this on Sue's thread, but I also wanted to post it here to make sure you saw it.

Sue, ginger,

Everyone has their reasons for staying. When I first got here.....many folks told me to leave my husband. But "why" do you stay? is alot different from "how" do you stay? When I ask "why?" I'm really just interested in the reasons you have for wanting to stay. There is no "how" in it....like it's a implication of being unable to believe on understand the reasons. I am very pro-marriage so I know a million reasons to stay....but there are definitely a few worth leaving for too. Abuse, addiction, repetitive infidelity, lack of remorse. Most marriages I believe CAN be saved, but not all marriages SHOULD be. But I'm not the one who gets to choose for anyone, and no one gets to choose for me. Where there is hope for better....I WILL persevere...that is how I am. I don't regret riding this out and saving my family. hugs to both of you.

Sue,Star and SAB,

Thanks for the replies and let me see if I can answer some of the questions.

First my H. No councling for us he will not go he told me I could go if I wanted but he was not going to tell our problems to anyone. He didn't believe in that, what good was it.He told me I could go talk to the pastor,I took that as he wanted me to go and confess his sin I was not going to do that,once again it was back to me doing all the work for him,this was his doing not mine so I did not go.I felt he needed to be accountable for what he did he needed to face it but he just refused so we have had no councling.

I bought SAA and Torn Asunder,when he saw me reading SAA he said "When you are done I am going to read the book" what a surprise for me,so we decided to read it together I thought this would be better and then discuss our feelings he has a really hard time talking about deep issues with me so I felt this would be a big break through.We have only read about four chapters together he did open up and tell me somethings when we did this but he has not even brought up the subject of us reading anymore lately and I try to let him bring it up so he does not feel like I am pushing it on him.

Since the A he has done some things different the first two months he was very attentive to me as I look back now I think most of it was he was so afraid that I was going to kill myself or die out of sickness and he did not want to be responsible for that so he paid so much attention to me at one point I felt like he was smothering me.This did not last long and lately things for me have felt more like before the A and I let him know I will tell him you are not taking time for us you are neglecting things again and I am begining to shut down this is not a good sign sometimes he responds sometimes not.

My H always feels like he is the victim in every sercimstance(sp)that I can think of he thinks he is the victim no one else. take the A he had it he says because I did not pay any attention to him I did not perform like a trained dog when he wanted sex things like this there for he took it as I did not love him anymore,like I said before I had had enough so I stopped doing anything for him he could not take it,it only took him a couple of months and there he was in the middle of an EA wich turned into a PA,the thing I hated most was time he took for her and that he told me she was so easy to talk to he could tell her anything.

My kids now this would be a whole different thread and if I told you all we have been through in this area you would probably come here and make sure I was a real person and not makeing up stories.I will go into that subject later if you guys are still interested.
I will say this none of them know,they are all older my oldest is almost 26,next my D will be 22in a couple of weeks,my S is 17 and the youngest is turning 15 in a couple of weeks,if they knew what thier father did to me they would all disown him NEVER let him around his grandchildren and it would be a bad situation so since I decided not to leave or kick him out I also decided not to tell them.

I hope that answers some of your questions keep them coming I really don't mind answering them.

Have a nice day and talk to you all soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ginger,

Let me ask this then. How do you guys stand as far as using the "Rule of Time". This was one of the biggest hurdle for H and I. He is a workaholic and when he did get free time....he went hunting, fishing, golfing....all things that he did not wish for me to accompany him on. He had a male network of friends....and the few times that ladies did come...you can imagine I was none too happy about. But addressing this ONE thing.....TIME....made a huge difference for us. At first, to be honest.....the time spent together was strained and uncomfortable, because we were out of the habit of being together. The fifteen hours never seem even achievable....but you know what? I think we even spend more time than that now.

I did want to address one other thing. I think concealing his affair is just one of the many ways you enable your husband. You are a caring person, and like me.....you try and protect the ones you love. But his failure to feel the consequences of his actions ensures that he learns little from his mistakes. You know your children and I don't. (And I can tell by your comment about that being a whole nother story...that there are complexities I just don't understand about them) I know you believe they will never speak to him again.....and I'm sure that for a time....you are probably right. I would never push you to do something about this, but I strongly suggest to you that you are underestimating their capacity for forgiveness or your power to influence their thinking. As Forest Gump says "That's all I'm going to say about THAT."

I am sending prayers, hugs and sunshine your way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks Star,

The rule of time I guess we have not really talked about that.He always says he will give me all the time I need to get over this.I tell him he needs to address what he did not bury it or it will come back and bite us in the butt one day.
We do spend more time together but it is usually what he wants to do and thier is always another motive to it.For example let me tell you just a bit about my H.
He works a full time job retail.He usually gets himself involved in some sort of part time work as well.And he has his website he is trying to launch.After the A I told him he need to make more time for me.
So what does he do,he started taking some college classes thats ok education is a plus,then he picked up a part time job and he works on his website.He does not know how to relax.So on his day off if he wants to go out of town to shop or something here comes the camera,the laptop,and cellphone.When he asks me to go somewhere with him I say just me and you or me you and your laptop.I am not lying we will be in a restraunt and he will be on his laptop!!

Before his A now remember he said I was the one that payed no attention to him,he would take me out to eat and either read a news paper or talk to the people in the next booth(we live in a very small town he knows everyone)soon I got to the point when he would say do you want to go get something to eat I would just say "no" after all he wasnt going to pay attention to me anyway why go.Now he does a little better but I usually have to remind him.

As for the kids...............No I do not think it would be a good idea to tell them,they do not have a great relationship with him,he blames me for that but I was not the one who never had time for them when they were growing up he was.But some how that is my fault too.All of them at one time or another have asked me why I don't leave him I always thought how strange but they are not blind to how he has treated me.

My grand kids are up now I have to go I will check back later maybe at naptime to finish.

Dear Ginger <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I just want to tell you that I've read everything you wrote here and I think you are a very courageous and amazing woman.
You have every reason to be proud of yourself for trying to work on your M!

I have a question - How do you take care of YOU? Do you have any hobbies or something you really, really enjoy doing besides from being a terrific mother/grandmother/wife?
I ask because I think you could need some time for yourself, enjoying life and not always thinking of others. You talked about a vacation - but your H didn't want to go. Could you go on a vacation just by yourself? - or taking the youngest kids?

You deserve the best!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />