HI Danish,

Glad to hear from you I was worried about you.
Thanks but I really am not that couragous I don't know why everyone says that.

The things I use to enjoy I find not so enjoyable these days,I don't do much for me right now.And I do not feel like a great mom,or a good wife I feel like a good wife's H would not have an A therefore I feel like I failed in the wife department as hard as I tried I did something wrong.

Now being a grandmother that is something I feel I have done very well it is real easy the easiest thing I have ever done.
But the A has even stopped me from being the best grandma I can be I hope to be her again real soon.

A vacation,I have had to many alone last year it was just me and my youngest H would not go little did I know he was involved with OW when I went.So no I will not take a vacation alone without H and he would like to go on one together just us two,but I still feel uncomfortable away from home to long so I don't think we will go anytime soon.Besides I can't get away from work till the middle of next month and then school starts here for the kids so no vacation plans this summer.

Hi again {{{{{Ginger}}}}}

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Glad to hear from you I was worried about you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm fine. Thanks for thinking of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> but no need to worry. I'll post about it later...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I feel like a good wife's H would not have an A therefore I feel like I failed in the wife department as hard as I tried I did something wrong.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You did nothing wrong. Your H is the only one to blame for the A!!! Please don't blame yourself for his mistakes!

Hi Gingersnap,

I'm glad to see you're doing OK. But, I have to say I'm not really happy about you keeping this kind of secret away from your family and children. Having lived through an abusive upbringing I learned that secrets give the abuser power. And that a person only holds power over us that we give or allow them to have. Not than I'm saying you deserved what happened to you. No one does. What I am saying is that your best protection is to tell as many people as possible so that he cannot get away with doing it again. Let your children make up their own minds about their father and his behaviour. They are old enough to make those decisions. They also may surprise with their reactions.

I'll keep positive thoughts for you. Keep safe.

Hi Ginger,

Thats all I wanted to say

I'm sorry I just can't do it.I can not tell anyone I'm not real sure all the reasons but I just cant do it.

Sue, what was all you wanted to say Hi or for me to tell.

Hey ginger,

I know you are having a bad day, so wanted to stop in and tell you that you are in my thoughts. I know your situation is difficult to deal with on so many different levels. It must be so hard to even know where to start. I read that H skipped out on you today and went to the movies. What do you say when he does this sort of thing?

What do I say?

First let me tell you what else he did you will get a big kick out of this.

He comes home from the movie,I happen to be throwing a dirty diaper away outside in the trash as he pulls up he jumps out of his jeep beer in hand and looks at me,I know you don't want me to drink this he says.I say nothing.
Then he says are you still going to the grocery store I say yes I have to,and he says he will come along.Ok all is fine this is good that way he can pick out what he would like to eat.So at the store he gets what he wants and when he is done he has me paged to the front of the store because he was ready to go and I was not at the check out lane yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So last night we go to bed I say did you have a nice day today and he replies "I had a great day did you"

He is just a little slow. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I guess alot of the time I say nothing.He does not seem to understand how I feel and when I do say something he ususally replies with a grunt or not this again.

Today I just feel tired!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is just a little slow. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*giggle* HERE's the understatement of the century! OMG I was laughing so hard when you described the store page!

Okay....."most of the time I say nothing"

BLEEEEEEEEP....wrong answer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> How about starting the road to recovery here with some honesty expressed without LBs? It's a reasonable beginning and good place to start. ginger, chere....you're just getting your feelings trampled on every day. Of course you're tired. I'm going to find you some articles on assertiveness okay? You have spent so much of your life living in crisis that the majority of what you've learned is how NOT to rock the boat. But it's time to make a few waves me darlin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thats me the one who does not want to rock the boat the peace maker.I have always tried to make sure everyone else is happy first thats just me.I don't know how to be anything else.

And like I told you in my post,when I finally said to myself this is it I am going to stop doing for this man I am going to think of myself look what I got.He cheated on me and then blamed me for it.Tells OW how neglected he is how his wife pays no attention to him,he even told her that I always put the kids before him and he really didn't like that.

I try to talk to him but he does not want to talk about my feelings just everyday things,like work,kids,his website that kind of stuff.If I bring up how I feel he tells me here we go again this is why our marriage is like it is.This is why things don't get better.I don't know what to do except just stop feeling like I have always done in the past.

Ginger,

You never seem to amaze me. I read what you write to others, and you are full of compassion and careing.

Here, I will put in the embarrassment icon, since it is the closest to blushing that there is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Hi Ginger!

I figured I catch up with you over here....although you've been visiting me over at my roost in EN....I'm trying to spend less time there....that board is so volatile!

When I listen to your posts about your husband, I try to keep in mind that you love him. I think that it's important for anyone who posts to remember that no matter what transpires, or how difficult things have become....that the spouses here are usually here because they love their partners. One thing I'd like to remind you of however, is that loving yourself is every bit as important.

I remember a time when I begain to feel invisible. I went about my life of caring for my family and my husband. I wasn't treated very well, or appreciated, or even noticed most of the time. I felt invisible. Like I was fading away.....sometimes I get that sense about you. That what you need has been put on the back burner for so long, that you feel so overwhelmed that you can't even ask for it anymore.

Have you seen an individual counselor? That isn't a panacea I know....but I honestly believe that you need something that will help you to find your way....and work through some of the loss of self esteem that you are dealing with. Once we reach hopelessness....it's a deep hole to dig out of alone. I don't see your husband suddenly stepping up to the plate....or changing significantly in any short amount of time. And I really would like to see you begin to place more value on yourself. I think you can do that without him. I hope you will. I worry about you.

Know that I am thinking of you. And if I ever decide to take a vacation from the board....well....I'll give you my email. In fact.....here it is now for safe keeping. starfish4729@hotmail.com

Use it anytime you wish....or anytime you need to. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello Star,

Thanks for your reply.Let me tell you just a few things and these are not excuses please believe me.
Counseling, no I have not and let me tell you why.We live in a very very small town not many resourses no one here that I think could or would even be able to help.Yes there is my pastor by for some reason I do not feel comfortable talking to him about this therefore I am going with my gut instinct on this one.I do have a customer a very nice man who is also a pastor I did ask him if he would do some counseling with me but he was unable to at this time.I will tell you that he knows my H and really respects him.He is also the only person I have told about the A he said he suspected something but was not going to ask.I would have to drive about 100 miles each way to go and right now that is just not possible because of other situations in our life.

I guess everyone sees people in different ways.I have had many fiends tell what you say about forgetting about myself.I don't see that I do that, I just don't know.Since the A it is true I have done very little for myself I just don't have the drive or really care to do much.For me everything has become a major chore when I get home from work that is where I want to stay.I feel very uncomfortable being away from home.
My H and I went out of town a few weeks ago on our day off,I did not want to go but he wanted to get out of the house and he wanted to do this thing to help promote his website buisness so I went, after about one hour of being there I could not fight the tears I just started to cry I just wanted to go home.He looked at me and asked me what was wrong what had he done I told him nothing I just want to go home.And that is how I am lately I don't know why.

I don't know if anything I am saying even makes sence to you I don't mean to sound so scatter brained.

Thanks for your e-mail I feel like I have given out way to much info on this site so maybe sometime I will e-mail you with more details of what is happening if you want to know and if you do take a vacation from here please let me know.You can always e-mail me its gingerbread1023@yahoo.com

ooopsie.....I got so caught up on the EN board...this slipped to page two. yikes!

ginger,

As your story comes together bit by bit for me, I feel more and more worried about you personally. On the one hand, you seem to have an endless capacity to help and care for others. That shows great strength. All of us, however need both a giver AND a taker. Your taker is almost non-existent. Why do we need a taker? Well that's the guy who protects us and keeps us from merely living and living happily or well. That's the guy who does good negotiation to have our needs met. That's the guy who makes sure we don't get trampled on. And if we suppress him long enough....one of two things can happen. He comes roaring in....and makes demands! Or we lose hope and just accept a life that we are unhappy about and get depressed. I'm sorry that you don't have many resources in your town. Have you considered the phone counseling option?

Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and that I'm still knocking around here. Feed your spirit and know others are thinking of you.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ginger,

I also wanted to know if you have ever heard the term "agoraphobia"? It might be something you want to look into and see if it relates to you.

Star,
NO I do not know that term but I will look it up.

The giver and the taker?
It is easier to give,I like easy.
My taker surfaced and I feel like that is when the A began,I stopped doing he started looking.I do not like the taker part and I guess am just a little affraid now.

I do thank you for thinking of me.It is nice to know that there are other out there that care.I know we have never met and may never meet in person but it is nice to know you think enough of me to give me advice and support.That is really all I need.
And something cold to drink it is soooooooooooooo hot here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

OH MY!

Ginger! Me too! I wouldn't even stand for the physical abuse! The last thing Randy would have seen was my butt flying out the door! But sometimes I feel like I would rather be slapped in the face than to hear hurtful words!
But that is what I said if I ever found out if he cheated on me!
I wish I could say something! I am just so lost for words of comfort for you.

How are your little ones? And are you safe? You are sooo strong! I am sorry to hear about your Mom! I know that was so time ago but that must have been pretty painful!

Will be thinking of you in my prayers!
Ali

Ginger,

In case you have not noticed it is July, it is supposed to be hot.

I could be wrong, but I think this is the rainest July we have had. I don't think week has gone by that it has not rained at least once during that week. I have not had to water my grass or bushes, I don't need to, it will rain.

Monday, I was not happy, gorgeous day, nice temp, wind blowing just the right amount, and I am sittng in the recliner near the window, groggy and sleepy. I could not get up the energy to go out and enjoy the weather. Now, that I have my antibioitics, I have energy to spare, and it was hot, and muggy, with the mention of 20% chance of rain tonight, 40 % tommorrow night, non friday or was it Saturday, and rain again over the weekend. I think 50% chance by then.

Rain.............what I would not do to see some rain.I love the rain it may sound odd but I find so much comfort in rain.Being inside the sound of rain out side the overcast sky I love all of that.
Maybe because I don't see that much.I live in the desert I hate it I hate the desert I hate the heat we have had two weeks of 115+ and I don't know how much more I can take I do know it will be a couple more months.You think I would be use to it by now.
This is something that bothers me too.I have ask my H for a long time to get a transfer some where where the weather is nice with big trees and some rain,he always said no he likes the desert he likes the mild winters and can adjust to the heat.But when he talked about starting his new life with OW he told me he was probably going to move to her state Michigan.Excuse me if I am wrong here but isn't that a much cooler place to live? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Yep, I'd say Michigan is a much cooler state than state with deserts. By about 100 degrees or possibly more if we are talking about the below zero temps. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Now you have to worry about burning your tushy.

I love winters, with snow. You can always add layers, once you get down to the birthday suit, there is nothing left to take off.

(Now, don't mistake loving snow with loving cold). I can live without the -30 temps, and we are not talking windchill.

Most of us, that live in MN love the snow, hate the cold and hate the shoveling. Have you ever tried sledding in a desert?

Just kidding. I hear Colorado is a great place to live, nice winters, and summers. (I've never been there, only heard the rumors.)

My brother lives in colorado the southern part and yes it is very pretty,my family lives in Utah another very pretty state.

I dream of fleeing the desert but I guess if I want to stay with H I will live where his job is.

My dream would be a log cabin in the woods oh now that would be heaven on earth to me.With a porch to sit and drink my morning coffee.If I had that you probably would never get me away from home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wonder if dreams ever really do come true!!