The fall came. My D started highschool, my H continued to be unavailable. My D started skipping school and running away. She was very angry and still got sick alot. She was drinking alcohol in school and hanging out with 25 year old men. I would often just put the new baby in the car and ride around trying to find her. I nailed the windows closed and slept with the baby in a basket by the door to keep her in the house. Her antics made my husband angry and he refused to help in any way. My middle son was is sweet invisible self....the easiest...who always got missed somehow in the mix. I spent so many days in the principals office it was ridiculous. Her grades when from straight A's to horrible, barely squeaking by. This girl has an astronomical IQ.....she used her intelligence for deceit and rage.

Christmas time came and finally H came to visit. We had gotten a new transfer. They wanted to us to go to Singapore. I did not want to move so far away, but H was distant and awful and he made it clear that he would go anyway. Singapore was safe, had good medicine and schools so I tackled the problem I knew it would be to convince my children amidst tears that it would be okay. Two weeks before we left....the company changed their minds. It wouldn't be Singapore....it would be Jakarta, Indonesia. There are 20 million people in Jakarta. It is a huge muslim slum where the elite few live in luxury and the majority of people are so poor. It was in the middlie of political upheaval and the medicine was sub standard. The school was okay....so I was led to believe. I could not believe it! Everyday, I heard of unrest there. And worst of all, H had to go right away and the older kids did too.....or they wouldn't get in school. I was left behind with the baby to pack and close up the house. I followed them about month later....a 36 hour trip with the baby. He got sick on the way....and when the plan stopped in Hong Kong.....I made them let me off. No one was happy about it. Customs had to be called in, doctors, etc. I wanted his ears checked before going back up....and I told them they couldn't make me stay on that plane. I got some rest after checking him out and we continued on to Jakarta. My first view of this city was pretty shocking. The culture shock was immense. I just wanted to cry. But the state of my family and my marriage was worse than that. Things were in shambles. It was the darkest time.....the scariest time.

The next five months I spent in Jakarta will be the next chapter.

How in the world did you live through all of this.You are one amazing lady.I hope your entire family relizes this.Especially your H.

Oh ginger....it gets so much worse than this LOL. Truly, it was a nightmare. My family adores me....everyone knows I'm the rock <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think my H especially knows. The story gets worse, but it has a happy ending....oh but I'm spoiling the suspense aren't I?

ginger,

You didn't respond to the email I responded to the other day. Was anything I said helpful at all? I worry about you.

Instead of Star I think I will start calling you rock!!LOL

I did not have time was going to respond now but thought I would check out the forum first.

You always have such helpful advise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I know you think I have forgotten you completely, but I've been running around like crazy and building a new welcome thread on En and trying to help my friends kim and lulu who are in deep crisis. So please please forgive my tardiness.....but I promise a new chapter by tomorrow!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Star
Just knowing you did not forget me is enough.
Look forward to chatting with you again.
I really look forward to the next chapter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm waiting for the chapter too. I think a missed the first 4. I picked up at Trinidad. Boy, what a life.

Hi sue, Hi ginger!!!

Okay, now we enter one of the darkest chapters of my life.

When I arrived in Jakarta, my husband and two older children...DD the second half of her freshman year (14) and DS in 7th (12) and my H were living in a hotel. H was busy with his new job and the kids were basically left to fend for themselves. Jakart a was in a state of political unrest and being in a muslim country as an American at that time....was very hard. I was not allowed to do much. I wasn't allowed to drive, my clothing was not suitable and sometimes people actually spit at me if my arms were uncovered. The school was close to the hotel and my children could walk there...but there were drug dealers who sold heroin and meth right outside the school....would give the first bit for free. The International school is well known with a good reputation, but this was a hard time.

My DD was already rebelling. She dressed like streetwalker, wouldn't bathe, wouldn't stay in class. She was constantly in trouble. I would have to go find her all the time....half the time drag her out of the hotel bar...there was no drinking age. She was getting drunk in school and students were shooting heroin in the bathrooms. Her best friend was an H addict. She would go off with men if I didn't watch her every second. My DS was his sweet invisible self....again....unnoticed and forgotten between the newborn and my rebellious daughter. The baby was sick alot. To bathe him....I had to boil and santize the water in the hotel. He got a rash from the disinfectant that killed the germs. He was good though....I thank God for that. My DD was so difficult....H wouldn't speak to her or help me. I had to literally drag her into the bathroom to get her to bathe. And she was lethargic and unhappy and angry.

About that time, my H took a trip to Thailand. I wouldn't find out for quite a while, but he visited a brothel there. Thailand is known for the corruption of innocent women and prostitution is practically a slave trade there catering to the basest desires of all these foreign men. How sad. How awful. But at that time....I was blissfull ignorant of all of this.

I had trouble finding suitable housing within the budget our company gave us....but eventually, I did find a home for us to live in after about three months.

I realized my whole family and my marriage were coming apart and that I had to do something. Everyday for the first three months I was there....I packed up my baby, and all that he would need for the day....and went to the school. I escorted my daughter from class to class and guarded the exit so she had to stay in school....it was all I could think of to keep her safe....or enrolled!!! My DS helped me with the baby....and my driver did too. The baby loved my driver Dedee.

My husband barely spoke to me. He seemed to tolerate me, but not love me. He didn't even look in my eyes. I think he felt guilty about us being there, could see the disintegration of all of us, but couldn't say it or do anything about it.

Meanwhile the political situation got worse and worse.

The rest later.

Thanks for the post.
I know now why you are such a strong woman,I could not have done all that you did.I think I would have died.
The only thing I don't like is you leave me hanging...............I hope I don't have to wait to long for the next chapter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I too am very worried about Danish,do you know if she has an e-mail address?
I tried to look it up on the address exchange but did not come across one.
If you know it could you please let me know.
Did you know she is going in for some surgery?

Nice to hear from you again,I have missed you.
Take care.

ginger,

I only wish I did have an address for Danish!!! I should have gotten one when she mentioned the surgery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Gosh, I hope she is alright.

Well, don't want to leave you hanging...but gosh, I'd have to write forever to tell you all that happened. The situation in Jakarta and in my home just continued to deteriorate. One day in May, the demonstrations turned violent and within hours the city was burning. When things first started to go bad....I sent Dedee to the store to get formula for the baby...but the stores were boarded up....and by that night, they were burned and looted.

The entrance to the school was blocked by demonstrators so I drove to a back neighborhood and crossed a canal on a pipe and got my children out that way. When I got home, my friend was hysterical. Her H was out of town...her kids still in the school and he had forbid her to leave the house. I went back out, back to the canal and got out her children...and Dedee and I drove them to her house. The streets were filled with mobs of people with guns and bats and we layed down in the back seat covered with a blanket. I droped them off and made it back home, only to find that my D had run away again. I had to go back out and find her. Meanwhile the streets downtown had become a battlefield. I finally found her at the hotel...in the pool with all of her clothes on. I wrapped her up and took her home in one of the scariest rides of my life. Hours later, while the looting and killing was going on....we were told by the US Embassy that all Americans were being asked to leave Jakarta and were told where to meet the Government officials to prepare for evacuation from Indonesia. We were each allowed one bag. I put the pictures and videos of my children and supplies for the baby and left my house. I paid the people who worked for me in US dollars because their money was worth nothing....and left my house with everything in it.

The scene at the club was a mad house. Thousands of foreigners trying to leave the country. There weren't enough planes to carry us all, so they took some of us....about 50 to a hotel. The trip to hotel was in buses with US tanks in front and back and with US marines guarding us. They told us that they would call us and tell us when they were coming to get us. But they by the next morning...there was no word. I heard on the news that the airport was closed....the road blocked and barracaded. I was scared. I told joey I was going to try to call the embassy. And I did. I miraculously got through and the lady on the phone was amazed. She said "WHO are YOU????....Where are you!!!! Don't hang up....we've been trying and trying to reach the hotel. You have to copy this message down word for word and get it to the manager of the hotel!" I was shocked. But I complied. I made the hotel contact and assemble all of the Americans and when the buses and tanks arrived....they asked for me LOL! So funny....here I was, just a housewife with a baby....I think they were expecting a busness woman hahhahhahaha.

Anyway, they loaded us up in buses again and took us to the Embassy. That night we just slept on the floor of the the Ambassador's residence....wall to wall people of every age. they woke us up at 5 in the morning and put us on buses again. We couldn't leave by way of the regular airport so we spent 6 hours on a bus and were assembled at an abandoned military facility. No food, air conditioning, or anything....there was nothing there. People were crazy to get out....it was like a mob. We were put in line after line trying to get processed. People were crying and screaming. When I finally was on a plane, and it took to the air....the relief I felt was sublime.

I wish I could tell you the worst was over but it wasn't. Guess I have to keep you hanging again.

You are so cruel LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I can not believe all of this(really i do i know you would not make it up)I feel like I am reading a suspence novel.

Cant wait for the next chapter.

Do you know when Danish was to have her surgery?
I wish I could go over there and give her H and OW a piece of my mind!!!!!!!!I don't have much to give away but I would he makes me so angery!grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Have a geat day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

ginger,

Didn't need to be cruel LOL....it's just such a long story.

I'm sick about not being able to contact Danish. I hope she's shows up soon....I'm going to write a post to her. Something inspirational so she knows that we are thinking of her.

Okay, Well in order to tell this whole story...I have to to take a slight detour so that the events that follow are understandable in the context they happened.

My daughter, Brie had four close friends. A girl named Amy, and three boys, Kevin, Jason and John....who she had a crush on. During the evacuation, Amy who was a severe asymatic became overwhelmed during the fires. Her parents couldn't get her to a hospital because of all that was going on in the city. And she died. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Beautiful girl. Her drug use may have been a factor too....we never found out.

We were evacuated to Singapore. When we got there....we were reunited with the other expats and school administrators. There was alot of sadness for the Seniors who would be missing their graduation ceremony and prom....so the parents and faculty organized a party for them since the school was not going to reopen for the year. Kevin, Jason and John were all seniors and Jason was the son of the middle school principal. That night, Jason got very drunk and fell, while goofing off, from the 18th floor of his hotel and died instantly...turning the party into a funeral.

It was a very sad time, and Brie was difficult to handle. Her anger, rage and sadness was a huge challenge for our family. The kids and I went back to the states....fortunately (blessed be God) I still had my house and a place to go. Jason's body, along with his parents, travelled with us. My H went back into Indonesia to try and get the things from our house there after a week or so and handle the business crisis. He had a vacation sceduled for two weeks later, and said he would meet us in Houston then.

The children tried to stay in touch with their friends from Indonesia....evacuation and trauma tends to form a bond. Then tragedy struck again. Kevin, got into a car accident the day after he got back and was killed in Oregon. Brie and John were all that was left of their group. They emailed and called each other. Brie became very withdrawn and combative. She cursed me, damned me, slapped me....called me every name know to man. She started getting into trouble immediately.

The day before H came home, Brie got a letter in the mail from John. It began like this:

My Brie,

By the time you read this, I will be dead......

He had committed suicide two days before the letter arrived.

H arrived a week later to announce that he had been given the management of all of Asia, and that our family would be moving back to Jarkarta. I was stunned and in shock. I couldn't believe that he expected us to go back to this place. But if I was unhappy, Brie was hysterical. She said she wouldn't go! She hated us. We had destroyed her life.

H was very angry that the rest of us didn't rejoice in his new success and that we didn't want to return to Jakarta. That night, Brie ran away. We couldn't find her, but at 2 in the morning the doorbell rang....there was an officer at the door with Brie in tow (there was a curfew) and he had found her on the streets and brought her home. She was surly and combative with the officer and H followed her upstairs and a horrible horrible fight between the two of them ensued. I could hear the things they were saying. The baby had woken up and I was feeding him....but I could hear Brie shouting that she hated him and that he didn't love her. And I heard him say "I WASH my hands of you....you are nothing to me." He came downstairs and I could hear her crying. I wanted to go to her, but H wouldn't let me. Finally, I said "to hell with it"....and I got up and all of a sudden....the crying stopped. I thought to myself, "maybe she's fallen asleep....I'll wait til morning and things may be better."

She always slept late, but the next morning, I decided to go up anyway....and just see her, check on her, let her know I was close by. The horror that greeted me I can never fully explain. There was vomit and pills and alcohol everywhere. My beautiful child was laying in pool of refuse and I couldn't wake her up. She was not even 15. I picked her up....don't ask me how....she is as big as I am. Screaming for H to help me. He would not. He was angry at her. Angry at us. My DS, Parrish, helped me get his sister in the car, and agreed to watch the baby.

We didn't have alot of drugs in our house, so she took what she could find....anything....mostly Tylenol...but close to 300 tabs of it. I never knew, in my wildest dreams that something as safe as tylenol was so dangerous.

You may curse me for leaving you here....but this is hard....and I have to stop for a bit. The worst is almost over.

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

Oh Star,
Thank you so much for sharing your life with me.
I know how hard it is to relive the horrible parts of our life.
I have delt with rebelious teens so I know what it is like,none have tried to OD but I am sure that if we would not have had our son arrested he surely would have been dead by now.I use to have dreams of finding him in the street dead,they were horrible I think it was God letting me know it was time to be tough no matter how hard it was on me.

I can wait for the next chapter.
I know that you won't forget me.

By the way as far as recovery from my H A.I am still hanging in there.I think I e-mailed you about the conclusion I have come to where he is concerned.If not I will tell you again,I know that he will never give me what I want or need.I am at place where I am trying my hardest to accept this.It is not easy but if I am to make my marriage work I will have to do my best with what I have.

I look forward to talking to you soon.

ginger,

Moving on without the remorse of a WS is a particular challenge. Many can't do it all....but that doesn't mean it can't be done. Sometimes, a WS does not have the needed skills to communicate his remorse. Can you see is feelings in the way he acts? In other ways? Sometimes with insight, that can be enough to help us move on. Even the WS who DO show remorse....quickly want to past the guilt phase leaving us BS with a lot of unanswered pain.

Still, remember that staying in pain....not moving on because they are inept at self expression or values....is a destructive choice and makes happiness impossible. Why should I continue to suffer for a mistake that wasn't mine? Why should you?

Jeepers Star. Just.... jeepers. There are many times when I give thanks for the life I have, painful though it is. This is one of those times.

I also think that the people who help here the most are the ones who have lived through the most pain and have survived it unbroken. You're one of those folks. Thanks for telling this story.

WOW, what you have been through with the traveling, your H and kids.

Star,

Thanks for the reply.
He tells me he is sorry.His idea of recovery is lets forget it and pretend it never happened.
I am sure in time I can push it to the back burner I am an expert at that.The problem now lies with the fact that life today is EXACTALLY like before the A.
And that is something I did not want.I wanted a better stronger M.

He is so absorbed in his life and his interest,leaving only time for me when he can squeeze me in.Of course he does not see this but I have been paying extra attention to detail these days because of feeling like I really did not take care of him before the A and that is why it happened.
I can see clearly now,why I said enough is enough,you get so tired of giving and getting little to nothing in return.I feel myself slipping into that mode once again.
Not wanting to give,not feeling passion for him.And I know it is all because of how I am treated.

Right after the A he payed so much attention to me and the Love and passion I had for him was increadable,so I know it is there and that he is capable of giving.
It is just hard work and that is where the problem lies.It is just to much work for him.He even told me that I was just to emotional and he would rather be alone than to deal with it.

I did read something here on the forum that brought new light,it was on personal recovery and recovery of the M,and how they were two different things.I was looking at them as one,therefore making it impossible for me to heal at all.I believe now I can work on me and realize that my recovery as a person is different than the recovery of my M.

Thanks again for all your support and council during this time in my life.You truly have been an angel in my life.

Ginger and Star, Wow I came in to read your thread ginger never realizing what i was about to read. I am so so amazed at what you have been through star. You are one in a million, and I take my hat off to you. No wonder so many here look up to you. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel about everything i just read. God sends his best to people who need help and you my dear are one of those people. I also felt as though I was reading a novel one of those you cannot put down for a second. I have so many questions, but I feel like i just barged in on your story to ginger, im so sorry for that. Star you are an inspiration , you could write a book and by golly why not. I thought my problems were the worst but dear if you can overcome everything you have been through in one lifetime, then I can make my marriage work. Thank you so much for sharing your life, your hardships, your strength. It is people like you that make life worth living. Ginger to you, you are also a very wonderful person. I will forever remember your hardships only to realize that this is not fiction, but one womans life. may I ask you, are you still married to your husband? And if so, how are things, I just cant imagine. Thank you once again, that was unbelievable, Star you are one in a million. Hurtinhart

Yes I am still married to my H.

And you are right Star is one in a millon.

Star,now you have an audiance we are all waiting for the next chapter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />