This has got to be the most embarrassing thing to happen to a person, is have the OW call and tell you she is having a A with your H. It has been 4 weeks and I have finally come out of the fog so that I can function on a daily basis. My H and I are trying to work things out, but he will not talk about the A. If I ask a question, he will give one word answers. Is this important for us to talk about the A, what happened, his feelings for the OW and stuff? I seem to have this morbid curiousity about what happened. Where & when, what was I doing at the time. I keep seeing pictures of them in my mind. Asking myself does he compare me to her? The more I think about it the sicker it makes me. My H is a sensitive person, and he does love me, I know. And I feel he is trying to change, so am I. Alot of this is my fault, and I am struggling with a lot of guilt over this. We have made a lot of headway in 4 weeks, but I just seem to have these roadblocks and and H thinks that we should just go forward and not back. But if I can't understand his feelings and stuff how can I go forward?

I never thought that you could hurt so bad and still go on living.

Keep me in your prayers, God Bless.

Vic1

many will say complete honesty...I to would like it but mine doesnt want to discuss it, he has said all he is going to, we did counseling still working but he wants to prove things to me. Yes I have thought sof him comparing me and have point blank asked, his response"im sorry you feel that, you arent being compared to anyone" soooo...it takes time, i dont know when the doubts go away, i dnt have any answers only prayers andyou are now in em...

It's been my experience, that when you let the ws continue to make the rules in your marriage (ie...his refusal to discuss the details of his affair that YOU need and want), he will continue the behavior that got you to the point you're at.

Or let me put it to you this way, 27 years ago, my (then) h, made the same kind of statements. He refused to discuss the things that he couldn't undo. He had 3 more affairs over the next 13 years...finally, leaving for the last ow. It's my opinion that BECAUSE he could refuse to take the consequences of his actions (ie listening to my heartache, questions, diatribes, etc...), there was no real penalty (to him) for repeating the behavior.

BTM

The more a couple discusses the affair, the more likely they are to recovery their marriage.

My counselor told me that the price one pays for having an affair is to have to answer the BS's questions over and over until there are no more questions and to have to listen to them express thier anger over and over until there is no more anger.

But.. as warning. The details are of little use except to put more pictures in your head. I kept most of my questions to the dates, names, general places and then the why. What was going on with him. I think it's healthier that way.

It's been almost 4 weeks for me. Everything your talking about is pretty much exactly what I'm going through. WW doen't want to talk about OM. How do you demand the truth. I learned some things yesturday. She found an E-mail from on-star and was questioning me about it. At first I lied (I know I know) then I decided I would tell her that I had contacted on-star to see I could get a phone log from WW truck. I also told her I was doing the same for our house phone. She asked what for and how could that possibly help us. Anyway She said yes there would be calls to him. I knew there would because we were all friends but anyway led to more conversation that let me in a little bit on their emotional level.

KB96,

I did that too. I called our cell phone people and got copies of all of our phone calls. What an eye opener!! When you start to look at dates and times and since my H drives a truck he has to keep log books, and comparing, it get s very upsetting. Be sure that you want the answers that you get. I wasn't ready for the degree of deception that I found. It will rip you apart!!

This is very hard for me, cuz I feel that most of the fault lies with me. you see, I had a medical condition, endometrois (sp) that made sex very painfull. We did not know how to deal with this problem. I have since had a historectimy (sp), which took care of the pain, but our problems where well engrained and we did not try to fix anything.

We have been married 21 years, and I find it amazing that we have lasted this long, with the way things were.

I guess there is always hope, and God.

Vic1

Vic1- You have the right to know everything that went on. The only way you can get past the hurt and confusion is to ask questions and demand answers. I feel that healing can't begin until you are at a place where there are no more questions.
My WS also behaved in this manner. Telling me that the more I knew the more hurt I would be. I would argue that I couldn't be any more hurt then I presently felt. It was like having to put a puzzle together without the picture and only half the pieces, you can't succeed.
After D-Day #3- I told him he better start at the beginning and talk to me and explain things right up to the present or I was leaving.
Finally, I got through to him and we talk a lot about the past and I find I am better able to cope with it.

I am sure that was hard to hear about the affair from the OW. Shoot it’s hard to hear of it from anyone. In essence I heard of my H’s affairs from the OW’en ‘cause I called/emailed/chatted with them and they admitted a lot to me. Seems to me that no matter, it’s a good thing that someone, anyone told you. To be left in the dark is not exactly wonderful either.

My divorce from ex-h was in 1997. To this day I wish that someone, anyone would come forward with info so that I can put some things to rest. Even if it was the OW. It’s easier to deal with knowledge then with our run away imaginations.

She did you a favor no matter what her motivation was.

<small>[ July 11, 2003, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: Zorweb ]</small>

Vic1 - I also found out about the A from the OW. Well, sort of....

My H had dumped her that afternoon, so she was upset & drunk when she started calling our home that evening. No - wait, she had a friend call first (how 7th grade, hmmm?) Just asked for my H, did not want to leave a message.

I was so naive that an A never crossed my mind, although my H never gets calls from women. I guess I was just slow on the uptake that day. But after the OW called 3 times, not wanting to leave a message, I was starting to get angry. Still no clue WHO this person was, or that she could be a threat to my M. She finally said who she was, (in a tone that implied she thought I would drop dead at the mere mention of her name). I responded that I didn't "know who she was and would she please stop calling my house?!" I had forgotten about her (old girlfriend of H's) and I think this really p*ssed her off, plus I was being so damn POLITE and not shrew-like as she probably expected from the horrible W!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She finally said that I should tell H that "He could not have his cake and eat it too". That's when I finally felt in danger and I went into defense mode. I said, "You obviously don't know H, he prefers pie to cake." And I hung up on her.

I went downstairs and confronted my H. We talked for two hours, then I used *69 to call her back and H told her that we were staying together, were going to work this out, and that he loved me. We haven't heard from her since then - 04/02.

Be careful with the questions. I asked very few because I knew I would not be able to rid myself of them once they were in my head. And I felt that what's done is done, no sense torturing myself. I am thankful that I handled it this way.
And - the answers you hear from him now are likely to be more angry, hurtful and "fogged" as they say here on MB.

Time is your friend, but you have a long way to go. Your journey will be painful and seem very long. I wish you luck and peace of mind. I can definitely feel your pain.

Shelle

Hi Vic1 and welcome to MB.

I wanted to let you know that the feelings you are having are very normal for a WS.We all have then.Hundreds of questions,pictures of the two of them togher in your mind,the why me,how could he all of that they are all normal you are not alone.
My H does not want to answer questions much anymore over the last 7 months little bits have come out then I am left piecing it all together.

Some thing you said really disturbed me. You blame yourself.Please do not do this.No matter what happens in a M no one deserves this betrayal.If it was medical or any other reason you did not cause this A yes we all do things that contribute to the A and we can take responsibility for that but you or me or anyother WS is not the reason it happened.Your H made a choice and he is responsible for that.

I would suggest you read and post here and get some books they offer surviving an affair is a great book order it if you can.

Good luck I will check in on you again.

I put WS in my post by mistake I ment BS sorry I was trying to type fast and had my mind on the wrong person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hello Vic1,

Talk, talk and talk! The more you talk the faster you will heal!

I hate my husbands cell phone! That is how I found out about his affair! I can't stand the ring it makes, the look and everything about it! He was living in an other state so when he was going to see his ow, he would tell me that he was going to sleep (lie) and turn that damn thing off! Like he just cut me out of his my life temporally!

The hurt is unbearable at times. Living? I feel that I am on automatic pilot at times. The advice on here is great! We will help you get through this. Vent, vent and vent too! It helps me a lot!

My prayers are with you!

Ali

I would like to say thanks to all of you. You guys are a great help. Sometimes when Im not sure what I'm feeling or how to say it, I read your posts and you already have.

How do you get past all of the suspision? I feel like have have this absessive behavior over called ID, and checking all the call history on every phone, checking cell phone records, you name it, I check. Its like I want him to do it again, so I can catch him or something. Is this normal?

Vic1

Vic1, what you are feeling is entirely normal for someone just 4 weeks past D-day. Your feelings and the shock of it all are still very fresh. Give it some time and be sure to take extra good care of yourself.

I still find myself checking the cell phone from time to time, looking for out of state area codes. My H has given me no reason to suspect any contact, but it makes me feel better - I don't ever want to be caught totally unaware like I was on D-day.

Hopefully time and attention from your H will lessen your need to check up on him as it has for a lot of us here on MB. Right now you are on the wave of discovery - you just have to ride it out.
It does get easier.

Take Care,
Shelle

Hello Vic1

How are you doing today?

Yes it is very normal,I use to check and recheck and then check what I rechecked.We live with a fear we never had before it is not fun it is not nice but we live with it now.Learning to trust again is a very hard thing.I still do not trust my H I hate living this way but for now this is just how it is.

Let me tell you a story.My H had probably not had any contact with OW for 3 months,one day when he was getting ready for work I was picking up his dirty shorts he had left on the floor.I was emptying the pockets you know the usual,I found a piece of paper it was wrapped around two phone cards,hand written on the paper was OW phone #.I was devestated and set back I cried I yelled at him I was so upset he swore he had found it and ment to throw it out so I would not see it he said he had forgotten he had it that I could check how much time was left on the phone cards and see that he had not used them.He was upset to felt so bad called me from work all night I would not answer the phone I was so angry.
I will add that the paper was from his work and it had a date on it.It was dated 12/23/2002,I knew they were old but this also ment he had talked to her just two days before christmas this was a major set back for me this also promted me to call OW.I do believe my H that he was going to throw it away that it was what he said but it did not make the situation easier.
That all happened 3 months ago,I still check for things I have found nothing but I still check.

Remember he broke your trust it is normal to want to check.

Like you, I found out from the OW. Then, in my case, I found out about a lot of previous affairs (he had had 5 affairs in the span of 12 years). I was also very niave. I thought he had too much integrity to have an A. What I discovered, was that he was very unhealthy in many different ways. His way of thinking and dealing with married life was flawed. And I also discovered that so were the other women. Sick people attract sick people. There is no such thing as a "healthy woman" having an affair with a married man. These are women that have no integrity, no morals, no values. So, the women that married men have to chose from are the "bottom of the barrel"...

Hi Gingersnap,

Today I'm just OK. H and I are both so worn out emotionally. I'm still have a hard time just functioning at my everyday stuff. We did some talking this weekend and he did answer some questions. Of course I didn't like the answers. Do we ever? And you know the thing that really got me this time, I realized how much time H actually spent on the phone with OW. Talking. When I asked H what about there was just a vague mumble and stumble around and then I finally caught something he said. They were talking about me!! Bashing ME!!! This really hurt. Cuz we talk all the time. About everything. What goes on. Everything. I couldn't believe that he would call her to talk. That really hurt. I did not think that part of our relationship was part of the problem.

Anyway, just trying to get thru the day.

Vic1

A agree with Pana and sometimes the WS lies to the OP so we can't discount that. But beyond that, the affair is not so much about the OP as it is about the WS and why like Zorweb said. What ENs were not being met by you and why? Can you now meet those ENs, are you willing? Can you eliminate the love busters that depleted the love bank of your WS? Why is definitely more important than who with, where, when, and what happened...

Sounds like you are doing a great job being open to support and being honest about everything that has happened. I hope everything works out for you!

Hi Vic1,

You are not alone I still have a hard time doing things.Going to work has gotten easier,at first that was really hard.Not so hard now to be truethful it is the only time I am distracted and don't dwell on what has happened.

I know it is hard to find out the trueth of things but I believe it is easier to heal from the trueth than a lie,we can start to rebuild our trust when someone is truethful with us when they continue to lie it is very hard to trust again.I have slowly learned things over the last 7mo.it is not easy and I will cry and cry but then I can move on it is the lies and the wondering what really is the trueth that I still can not get over,I believe if I knew the trueth than I could deal with it and move on.

You need to take time and not be hard on yourself,you have been deeply crushed and it is going to take a long time to become whole again.

Keep posting the more you post the more people can get to know you and help you.You will find you have something in common with so many different people here and then you don't feel like you are going crazy with the feelings you are having you find out you are normal and thats a great feeling.

Hang in there talk to you again soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />