Hi Vic1

I am so glad you had a good time on your date.
Days like that are great.And you are not dumping on us or let me say me.

You are not alone I think this week is the longest I have gone without crying.But H and I have not had much time together so by last night I was getting a little mental.
I feel the same if I see him I know everything is ok.But it is the time we don't know what they are doing that drives us crazy.I know she use to call H at work so sometimes I wonder does she still call?I'm sure not but I still think it.

I don't know if I told you the story of the phone cards or not but to make a long story short,my H use to use phone cards to call her so it would not show up on our bill.Anyway a couple of months ago he came across two he had bought I ended up finded them I was so po'd it was a mess.Anyway for some reason I hung onto them.Well he needed to make a phone call to mexico the other day and it is very expensive so he asked did I still have those cards.I gave them to him,let me tell you handing those over to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done.A whole flood of thoughts went through my head.He made sure to tell me every move he made with the cards,to be honest it did not help but I think it was his way of showing me that he is not hiding anything.Still tuff though.

So you see you are not the only one who has good days and bad we all do.It will take us a long time to get over this.And as for trust.I am the wrong one to ask,I don't know when or if I will ever be able to trust again <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I don't like that,it will always put a strain on our M.

Keep posting, I know it sure helps me.

Gingersnap where are you? Sorry I haven't posted in awhile, but things have just turned upside down here. I finally figured out why H was not being open and honest. God, I didn't think things could get worse. I found out that H has been going to call girls for the past year. I didn't think that a person could hurt any more than what I had already, but guess what, you can. I don't think I have anything left inside. I feel so empty. I found out by a website he kept visiting on the internet. This website, it's where men go to look for call girls and to post their reviews after they have made their visit. I don't know how I figured out his codes, but I did and then I couldn't believe all the things I was reading. It's an education. If you ladies want the site, pm me, I'm not going to post it here.

You know, I kept saying that H was not telling me something, that he was hiding things. This was it. We've had a really rough last couple of weeks. I called him on his cell phone and confronted him and of course, he denied everything until I told him how I broke his codes and stuff. It was horrible for both of us. But finally the truth has finally come out. We had a really emotional session last nite. H swears that I know everything now. I hope so. I don't know if I can stand any more of these bombs. There are still a few things that has happened in the past that he can not explain, but for now I have to let them go. I think I have found out the worst. We just have to find a way that we can heal now. I feel so numb this morning, I have cried so much, there's nothing left but emptiness.

And it is not just me. H is the same way, and I'm worried about him. He needs to talk to someone but he won't. I asked him this moring if he would get on the board here and left the guys help him and he said he would.

So, Eduard, watch for him. I don't know how he will sign in as. He is hurting so much and tearing himself up inside with his guilt and shame. I don't know how to help him. I can't help myself right now.

Sorry this is so long, need your prayers and words of wisdom.

Vic1

Dear Vic1:

what you are doing is normal. Yes, you will go on living. Yes, the pain will subside. What you need most now is PATIENCE.

I was in your place 15 months ago. My world had been shattered with H's A, but now there is happiness and even love and peace again.

Do not despair. Read here and talk to the experienced people. Learn.

It is normal that you are asking questions but your H may not want to answer them. Remember he was not the one who was ready to expose his A. It was OW who told you.

The best chance for recovery you will have if he comes out of the fog, realizes the A as a mistake and seeks help to become a different person.

This does not always happen immediately. It is normal that you are love busting, ie accusing him, fighting with him, making your distress heard. I totally understand that.

After you two agree you want to work on your M, try to talk to each other calmly. You admit your mistakes and see if that opens the discussion for him to admit his. Stop if it leads to lovebusting. Try to deposit love units in each others love banks. Be kind and gentle.

This is a terrible painful time for both of you.

But it is possible and likely that your marriage will recover.

Read and learn. Show each other caring and support.

Trust in yourself.

Ice Princess,

Thanks for your post, it really helps to hear from others that have made their marriage work and are actually happy, at least I know there is hope. Your last comment, trust in myself, set off alarm bells. I don't know if I will ever be able to do that again. I mean, H had the A with the local housewife and at the same time was going to call girls and I never knew that any of this was going on. Now, I look under every rock, I think I am taking things to the extreme and this worries me. H and I are trying to make progress, and doing pretty good considering everthing that has happened in the last 3 months, but I hope that my compulsive behavior does not get in the way. I keep reading and trying to apply all of the principles that Dr. Harley tells us to, and the hardess is love busting. My resentment is the worst, I've almost worn the pages on resentment out in Surviving and Affair. And I feel so inadequate. Our sex life is what got us here from the beginning, and now that I know that H has been to the call girls, its worse. I have no self-confidence at all that I will be able to satisfy him. You see, he didn't just go to your normal street corner wh--e, these are some of the best, the high-dollar girls, that really know what they are doing. Every time we make love, it's always there, the questions, the doubts. Things have been better since I found out about the call girls. H is calmer, we are not having these major, explosive scenes, we can talk more calmly and discuss things better now. When the OW called and told me, H was resigned to the fact that I knew about her, but he was determined that I would not find out anything else, and this was eating him up. He would just explode into a blind rage if I asked any questions that required more than a yes or no answer. Now that I figured this other out, he is calmer. Ashamed and feeling very guilty. Trying to figure out how he can live with himself. I don't know how to help him. I try to show him that I love him everyday. No lovebusting if I can help it. And he is trying really hard too. He is open to some of the ideas that I tell him about from here, the board, and we are trying to use these tools everyday.

I know that we will make it. How long it will take us to get past this, I don't know. From what I read here, sometimes it's a fairly short time, others it seems to take years.

God Bless.

Vic1

Well, I did something stupid last nite. Ever since I found out about H and the call girls, I have tried to find out everyting I can about these places. Well, last nite, I went to one that I know he went to. Just to see what type of place it is. It was horrible. I sat there in the parking lot and watched as men went in an out, and I kept thinking about their wives, girlfriends. It's hard to explain how I felt. I cried all the way home. I almost got out and went inside, but I came to my senses before I humilated myself totally. I wonder tho. What would have been the attitude if I had gone in? I don't thing I will tell H what I did. I don't know how he would feel about this.