MJR,

I know, this is very hard, the trust has been betrayed to the bone. So, it is hard to believe what you are told. You don't even trust your own instinct.

Imagination - I would say with LIT, don't imagine what she did not tell you. I get a feeling that as much as it hurts her to answer your questions, that she is answering them.

When you hear or wonder about the things you cherished with LIT, and she did it with OM, it does take away from the specialty of it.

I relate a story of a friend of mine to others, as a way of encouragement. She was engaged, and pregnant. She found out her fiance, cheated, and also passed along a gift. The gift of STD. So, here she is wondering, do I stay, do I marry him, do I kick him out. She married him. I asked her the other day, about the trust level in their M. Especially because of his infidelity before they got married. Her response was, she trusts him almost as much as before she found out. She does not know how long it took for the trust to completely come back. Time. They did not have MB to help them. He realized that he had to work to regain her trust, and it would be a while. He was patient, and did all he could. She told me that she can never full trust him. Her reasoning was, if she did, then she risks taking her M for granted, and she does not want to do that. She take the small amount of distrust, and uses it postively to show how much she loves him. They have been married for over 10 years.

I remember driving her home from work because she was too ill to drive herself. H had me come get him to pick up her car. He apologized to me for hurting her, he told me he does not want to lose her, and he will do anything to regain her trust. She did not eat for a while, and many times, she ran to the bathroom to vomit. Even the day of their wedding, she had doubts. She says she is glad she did not give in to those doubts.

So, there is hope.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How could she not know she was hurting me when all three of us went out??</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Compartmentalization.

When she started her A with OM, you had already withdrawn emotionally and physically from her. You were still her H but the role of lover was now being played by the OM. And since it SEEMED that you no longer wanted the role of lover, coupled with her selfish mindset, it was not that hard for her to consciously accept the division of H and lover AND willingly assign the two roles to two different men.

How are you doing?

Sue,

To be perfectly honest, I'm feeling worse as each day goes by...While I appreciate my W's honesty (I'm assuming she's being completely honest now), she did some pretty bad stuff. I would not have imagined that it was THAT bad. I could never imagine in my wildest dreams that someone could go through this much pain.

I get physically sick when I think about it (which is all the time) and even when I look at her for an extended perios of time...I'm losing sleep and weight (the losing weight part is the only good thing about this!) and I'm getting extremely depressed...I'm the type of person who doesn't like/want to take any drugs (including aspirin, pain killers, etc.) or go to the doctor's office. However, my depression increases everyday, to the point where I am going to make a doctor's appt. to get anti-depression medication. I really don't believe in taking that stuff, but I'm afraid I no longer have a choice.

We are barely hanging on by a thread, but hanging on nonetheless.

I have read your post and have been there. YOU CAN MAKE IT. Sure it is bad now and may take some time but it does not last forever. Will you ever forget? No, but over time you look back on it as a bad time during your marriage the helped make it stronger. Your marriage has now started to enter the recovery period.

If your marriage was perfect, this would not have occured. There are areas you need to explore to help understand what needs to be done to improve your marriage. Your marriage had problems but this does not give you WW permission to have an A.

Currently, you will think about the D but it would be a major mistake. My best suggestion is to get some books and read. This is what I did. My wife had 2 A with the same OM over a 2 year period. After the first A her feeling for him did not die. This eventully lead them to the second. It was not until after the second event that my wife got to the point where your wife is. We went to differt counselers and I read a number of books during the 2 year period. After the 2nd event I scheduled counseling with a female counseler and that person was able help my wife realize what type of decisions she had been making. Our marriage had all kinds of problems the first time the A happened. We went to counseling and I read all kinds of books and discovered all the problems our marriage had. I then changed myself to be that better husband. My wife did not let go of those bad time which she used to justify the second time. The counselor opened her mind to this. Did she love me at that time? No but we were going to try to work it out. Now it has been 3 years and we are trying for our 3rd child. Do I know how you feel? Yes, I have lived it for 2 years. Do I think about it? Yes but it does not overwhelm me. I now look back at it as a time when I went through the furnace. It takes the furnace to draw out the impurities in the gold. Yes it was a bad period in our marriage but it made it stronger.

MJR,

Have you considered phone counseling with one of the Harleys? I think you should. Steve Harley coached my FWH and I through recovery.

Much of what he says/does varies per individual situation. I remember the first conversation I had with him as a BS. It was the first time after d-day that I felt some peace and had a little hope.

FWH told me he would do "whatever it took" to save our marriage.

Steve put him to work on a "recovery plan". I wouldn't trade my phone counseling with him for anything. He helped me with my personal recovery in addition to my marriage recovery. Those are 2 totally separate things.

It's not cheap, but it pulled me out of the he// of pain and anxiety much quicker than would have been possible otherwise. Blessings to you; CSue

MJR,

I've heard really good things about Dr. Harley.

Also, Dr. W. Harley on M & Th is on his Wifes radio show. I don't know if it is a nationwide broadcast, or if specific stations air it. If you get it in your area, you might want to listen in. I have on occassion.

I know this is hard to do. It does get easier over time.