Dear Susan,
You wrote:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We've done a lot of talking about what is different about the two relationships. He talks about the emotional intensity of the two of them--that she is more emotional (not just sad emotions, but positive too). Have any of you any understanding of this dynamic? I understand the infatuation stuff and how intense that is. I don't understand the addictive quality of it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is carbon copy of what I was told. I was told that he just felt "right" emotionally with the OW. It was like they belonged together because they thought alike and were so in tune with each other's emotions. They cried together, laughed together and felt very close in a very short amount of time (2 1/2 weeks). He used a lot of words like, "She was very spiritual, kind, and empathetic." Later, when questioned about WHAT they talked about and WHY they cried and felt so close,
he couldn't remember hardly any details ...just that they felt so close to each other. I believe that they were looking to each other because they were both very narcissitic. They liked the refection of themselves in each other's mirrors. In other words they saw themselves in each other. In
more other words...one was just as emotionally unhealthy as the other and it felt right. I also believe that when they said, "I love you," they were really saying, "I think that you might be a person who could love me." It was all about them as individuals, not as a couple. They were enmeshed with each other emotionally and that never produces a desirable relationship. That is what they both were craving though and my H and I have had to learn not to do that even with each other. They were both looking for someone stronger than them, but instead preyed on each other. (Just for reference, he now sees the OW as cold, calculating and not at all spiritual or even remotely empathetic.) He figured that out when she had no sympathy for my pain at all. If she was empathetic, she would have felt my pain because it was very deep and we did communicate with each other.
My H just read me this quote from
Mothers, Sons and Lovers - How a Man's Relationship With His Mother Affects the Rest of His Life: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Every man must ask himself why he loves his mate or lover. When the initial hormonal, sexual, and romantic urges have subsided, it becomes possible to answer this question honestly. As the relationship grows, extends in time and communication, and even produces a family, the question becomes crucial. The longer a relationship lasts, the longer a shadow it grows-more and more gets hidden in that long, dark bag the relationship drags behind it.
What is hidden in your relationship?
The crucial question we must all ask of our romance is: Do I love predominantly for the content of the relationship, or do I love predominantly to get my self-esteem fed? The content of a committed relationship includes comfortable companionship, intellectual stimulation, nurturance and support, sexual ecstasy and comfortable intimacy, procreation/nurturance of children. We all seek affection to feed our self-esteem, but the question is, do I love this woman or partner because without her I have no sense (no mirror) of my core self, or do I have a core self and love her because she is the mystery of my core self needs-both to nurture me and I to nurture-as I continue to grow?
If I am predominately involved in love relationships to feed my self-esteem - to keep me feeling adequate about myself, to keep me from being lonely, to keep me from feeling like a boy, to keep me from feeling pain - I have probably been emotionally wounded in the first 20 years of my life by mother, father, or both. If I seek love predominately to feed my self-esteem, I am probably still embroiled in an inappropriate psychological link with my mother. I had most of my self-esteem nurturance during my boyhood through her. I am now transfering that pattern onto a woman/partner. As I move through adolescence, a very blurry male mirror at best was shown to me by my father and elder men - certainly not a loving, wise, and powerful male mirror which, through my own journey, I could make my own. Rather, I was taught to find new women to mirror me. Until I find a mirror of my own, as men are invited to do in part two of this book, I will continue this pattern.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part two is about finding your own initiation into manhood. As I mentioned previously my H found it through the New Warrior weekend training through Mankind Project. (
www.mkp.org)
It sounds like his counselor is on to something and I have to say that it really is hopeful that he can heal if he can get through this with the proper help! It is going to be hard work, but it sounds like he is determined. You know, my H told me that most addictions run their course. They eventually end when they bring you more pain than pleasure. Maybe that time for him is now. I hope so for the sake of your family.
Please feel free to share anything that I've written directly with your H. At this point, my H could be lots of help to him if you want to share e-mail addresses. My H is helping me to write this post to you and he is more than willing to do what he can to help. The more support that your H gets, the better his chances are. That support needs to come from other men.
Let me know.
Take care and stay strong. I know that right now you are in a very bad place. I'm sorry.
Stillwed
<small>[ August 02, 2003, 01:08 AM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>
