</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jenigirl:
<strong>Hi Cerri <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, I sent him the plan B letter. He called me the next am at work and said the ugliest things to me. I hung up. He has called and left me a message that he would be filing for divorce the next day. I dont know if he has or not. He has come by my house and he finally did leave. While he was there I asked him something about smoking marijuana and he told me that he was still smoking. I had not idea he was comming down. He has no respect for what I tell him. I hope it doesnt happen again. Everything happened so fast and then he was gone. He did throw a coffe cup and break it and he also got mad and threw potato chips at me.

I do have a question for you. I do not think he will get help for addiction or anger mgmt. as a matter of fact I know he wont. What do I do then? I am sick of trying and he could care less.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You stay in Plan B until he is willing to do those things and to prove to you that he can protect you from his anger, addiction, and anything else that would cause you pain. What's the alternative? You can't live in a situation like that you would eventually hate him and then your marriage would be over.... or worse yet you would be injured in some way.

Plan B should go for about 2 years. If there isn't any change by then, move on.

I would also encourage you to do some things for yourself during this time. I think we all should take an anger mgt course, my husband and I took one together and it was incredibly enlightening.... and helpful.

And then revisit some old hobbies or find some new ones. Make friends (female <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), work on your spiritual path... whatever that is for you, but overall take care of you.

If he continues the abuse and the phone calls we should talk about getting a restraining order. Women are injured (and worse) every year by angry husbands and boyfriends.

BTW, that brings up a question. Did you live together before you were married? What was the R like then? When did the abusiveness and drug use start?

C

Cerri,

Yes we lived together for a short time before we married and it was good. He did smoke marijuana at that time. He quit when we started going to church and he started back while he was in church. So the drug use has been there since the beginning. The abuse.... there have been a couple of times during our marriage that he was abusive and it has gotten worse since we have been separated.

The thing about him getting help is "I dont have a problem and the reason I am mean is because you make me so mad"

Be strong. You're doing the right thing.

How did the custody hearing go? Hopefully the judge won't grant him access to his child.

Breathe...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{jenigirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Actually, the custody hearing is not until first week in October.
Thanks

I'll pray for his little one and for you.

Be strong.

Yes we lived together for a short time before we married and it was good.

So the stats from the CDC show that couples who are living together or who lived together prior to marriage are at the highest risk for domestic abuse. Something like 80% of all domestic abuse falls into one of those categories.

The way to stop that is to do what you're doing .... seperate until he gets help and until there is demonstrable real change.

The abuse.... there have been a couple of times during our marriage that he was abusive and it has gotten worse since we have been separated.

I would suspect that is because anger is based in the idea that we have the right to tell someone else what to do. You defied that by leaving (as you should) and defiance will escalate the anger and control issues until help is sought.

The thing about him getting help is "I dont have a problem and the reason I am mean is because you make me so mad"

So can you go back and live with that attitude and the behavior it will cause? Of course not. Because first of all his anger is not your fault. No matter what you do or don't do, he and he alone, is responsible for the choices he makes about how to behave.

We know that anger problems are getting better when people begin to take responsibility for their actions. Until then you are not safe.

He'll get help when it appears to him to be in his best interest to do so. As long as he thinks his anger will work to get what he wants there's no motivation on his part to seek help. That's why it's so important that you not give in. The only appropriate response to a demand is to deny whatever it is he is asking for. And if it goes beyond a demand you walk away, hang up the phone, refuse to continue to engage. That's what Plan B is, btw, a refusal to engage in something that is painful for you.

C

Jeni,

I'm so glad cerri had an opportunity to post to you today. This is so true. He will attempt these methods until he is convinced that they will no longer work. As long as he thinks they will work, he will not seek help. He will first seek help looking to get what he wants. This does not mean the resulting changes will not be real, but realize that his motivation for seeking help is going to be to achieve what HE wants.

My H did that. The only thing that motivated him to go to anger management classes was the imminent threat of losing me, which he did not want to do. It was then that he went to the classes. He went to protect his interests, not mine. Yes, that rankles, but that's the way it is. Better that than he never go.

<small>[ August 26, 2003, 11:45 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>