I couldn't get into see my doctor until mid October so I'm still taking St John's Wort.

The papers don't refer to our dogs at all. Under where it talks about assets and debts it says "the exact nature of the assets is not known now" and in another area it says "the true nature of the property is not assertained yet."

His lawyer and he also checked the box requesting that I terminate the court's jurisdiction (ability) to award spousal support to Respondent. And the box is checked that attorneys fees and costs payable by Respondant.

I guess I'm the Respondant.

We talked a bit about what will happen to "the girls" and that kind of depends on what type of living arrangements each of us are able to obtain.

on my way to church. talk later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

T1,
Wow, WS is really reaching down in the dirt to make you pay for his sins.

Pay for his lawyer? Really? Sue you for what? No spousal support? The lawyer had the gall to even put in that in the docs?

No need to answer those questions here. Just go see your legal counsel and then decide.

I am sorry for this mess. U know how I feel about having such an unsafe person around my personal boundary. Please make sure you are in a safe place.

Why do I say this? Well if he is wanting to sue you for whatever then he insinuates you are some sort of danger to him.....why have him benefit from you acts of kindness? R U washing his clothes, cleaning the home, cooking, keeping records, is he asking you to get stuff ready for the D, then say he is going to sue you? Very confusing to the sane world.

That's reality, how the sane portion of the world perceives his actions.

JMHO, call if you need.

Hugz,
L.

Where is his proof of service?

troubled1,

Do you know when I called my doctor, his receptionist gave me appointment of 3 weeks later ?. I told her that I need to see him now and told her that my W just filed and I am in the verge of nervous breakdown ... LOL !. He saw me that afternoon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Anyway if you need something urgent call Orchid. St John's Wort is not for this type of severe problem and might not work for some peoples.

T1, this is a legal tactic ... take it easy. H pay a lawyer so he look after his client's interest. He or H could ask for the moon but it depends on the judge. It is easier to ask and put you in the spot then defending yourself before asking the same thing. Leave it to your lawyer. Do not discuss anything with him !!!!, just tell him that he should talk to his lawyer and then his lawyer talk to yours.

Hang in there .... -rh-

hey redhat,
thanks for the feedback on the paperwork.

It's so stressful still being her in the house with him and knowing his feelings are so negative towards me that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore.

He's part of my family. My little family...my little dysfunctional, broken family. He doesn't want to be a part of it anymore.

I wish I knew how long this whole process was going to last and what was going to happen. I guess it's up to the lawyers now. I hope our house sells fast. Ugggh! Moving again! This will be my 6th move in 13 years since I've known my husband. He gets restless every 2-3 years. He either needs a job change, house change or Significant Other change.

Is it possible to forgive while you're going through this? I don't want to feel these feelings of bitterness toward my husband anymore but I don't know what to do about it.

SS was asking me about what I have learned in this process that I may be able to pass on to others or take with me. I believe my husband is a serial cheater and has unresolved issues from his childhood and his relationship with his mother but I can see how I contributed to the environment in our marriage as well. I see that I didn't set up a proper recovery strategy using the MB principals last time. I didn't set proper boundaries. I continued to respond to my husband in the same manner as before. When I wasn't getting what I wanted, I would LB. I was doing this by expressing my feelings in a manner that was very negative to my husband, rather than explaining that when_____happens, i feel______.

The other thing is, and this is a biggie, I don't think I really forgave my husband 3 years ago and I remained wounded and hurt and wore those feelings on my sleave. I think I did this because I knew, deep down, that we hadn't done what we needed to do to truly be in recovery.

Previous to three years ago, I don't think I took responsibility for my own happiness. I've changed this since. But I think I relied on my husband to be everything to me. It bothered me that he didn't have some of the same interests as I did. When he wanted to go do his own thing, I would get jealous and depressed about it.

So there ya go. What do I do about it now?

Hey T1,

I don't know how valuable my advice will be, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I know how stressful it is to have someone living with you that no longer wants to be part of your family. Are you safe? Is he being threatening in any way? Verbally abusive? My first concern is that you and your dogs are physically safe.

Is there any chance to Plan B him during this stressful time? Will he move out? I know you mentioned buying your own place - but I imagine that is subsequent to selling the house. The stress can and will make you physically ill. Speak to your legal counsel first, but if they give you the thumbs up, could you move out or stay with someone?

Bitterness is no fun. I've heard a couple of different theories on forgiveness. I believe it is Jewish custom to forgive those who ask for forgiveness. Others say that forgiveness is really about you - letting go of the pain and bitterness and resentment.

After reading your list of "things I have learned" - I think you need to forgive yourself before you consider forgiving your husband. No one is perfect, and although it is a shame that you never fully recovered from your husband's first indescretions, it takes two. Please don't blame yourself for this setback.

The only real question here is what do you want? I can only give you advice based on what results you are after...and you don't talk about what you want in your post. Whatever you want is okay...if you want to save your marriage, that is okay. If you want to get divorced, that is okay too. If you don't know right away, give yourself time to really consider the question.

In any case, I think you should ask your lawyer if you can move out without jeopardizing your financial/legal situation. I think if you can, it is essential to Plan B your husband as soon as you can. You won't have anything left to go on - whatever you decide to do - continuing to live with him under these stressful conditions.

Take care, if you need to talk, get my # from Orchid or Redhat.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by troubled1:
<strong>Is it possible to forgive while you're going through this? I don't want to feel these feelings of bitterness toward my husband anymore but I don't know what to do about it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bible says it is ok to get angry but do not sin. Please don't supress your feeling and give permission for yourself to feel this way. This is a normal process of grief. However don't dwell on it (sin).

Yes, we have learned a lot from this pain but hope that we emerge a a better person. Also don't kick yourself in rear behind, my ExW had an EA and I forgave her and I did everything to fix my M and I even forgot about the incident. OM surface 3 years later <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . It is not about you it is his choice in life. You could be a perfect wife and your H still could have A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>So there ya go. What do I do about it now?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Own the mistake you have in the your M (which you have) and make sure you learn from it. You need to take care yourself and to take contorl in days ahead.

-rh-

T1,

{{{{hugz}}}}}

It is one thing to see where you can improve and totally another thing to use that to keep yourself down.

In reality, nothing you did or could have done justify's the A. So don't let him blame you for HIS choices.

At this point, it is not healthy for you to keep blaming yourself. It may take you a while to see this and in the meantime, he will ride that blame horse and milk it for all he can. Leaving you depleted of your self respect and energy. Do you want to go there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You have been hear reading a while, now it time to implement all you have learned. You may lose your home in the interim but you still have your wits and health going for you. Use it wisely T1, you are going to need to muster all your strenght to withstand the A stupidity. The WS muster some uncanny A energy that is meant to knock the BS off their feet. Here at MB you will learn how to duck his A blows and send back MB blows to help bring him to his senses.

You also need to be patient. Work on putting your mind and heart in sync.

How is the OW doing? Any news from her H?

L.

I wish my husband wouldn't have stored up all his resentment for me until he couldn't stand it anymore. He doesn't seem to have a problem telling me now the things that I said and did that bothered him.

This isn't my home anymore. I feel like I'm just staying her, like a hotel. All my stuff is here but it's not my home. There's no love here. My dogs look at me with such sad eyes. They know this is all but over and they are sad too.

I go to my lawyer's office on Wednesday to take the divorce papers in.

Orchid, my heart and my mind are not in sinque. What I want and what is reasonable to expect from my future with my husband are two different things. I know this, I know I want to create a better life for myself. I know it's going to be a very difficult transition. I know it's going to be hard facing the world on my own without a partner. But I also know that I can do it. It's hurting and I know it will hurt for some time. I just need to figure out how to forgive him and let go of the bitterness. Does anyone know how I can do this?

troubled1,

Check www.divorcecare.org . We are in the fourth tape/session tomorrow night from the book that you saw last time.

Hang in there ...

-rh-

My dear T1,

Here's my take on how you can move forward:

1. Decide on something you can throw away, not your life but something that will help you bring closure to this issue. I went to the ocean and yelled at the sea. Screamed at the top of my lungs. NO one heard it but me. I held myself and cried until there were no more tears. Then I said a prayer asking for God's help. I needed to know he cared. I felt his support. I slowly got up with tears streaming down my face and knew I would make it. I cried again all the way home. When I reached home, the tears went away. I was still sad but my heart could not cry anymore that day. I went to sleep for the first time in weeks.

2. I hugged my pillow.

3. I talked to the wall within earshot of the WS.

4. I had 3 beautiful dreams after weeks or horrible nightmares (both son and I had reoccuring nightmares....seemed like a 10 week miniseries....those darn dreams would pick up where they left off every night - YUCK). When I realized that I was not the undesireable character the WS and OW where claiming I was, I started to get in sync. I began to heal. My personal recovery started.

5. I did backslide a bit. There were a few suicidal bouts. But deep down I knew I was better than their A.

So are you. You are better than the A. You are a georgeous, beautiful and talented woman. The OW doesn't deserve to be in your shadow. At this point, your H does not deserve to be in your prescence. Maybe he knows it. Ask him.

Like: "WS, in all your anger, can you please explain why you need to give it to me?"

"Here's the deal. I will take your yelling at me when it is something I truly goofed. But if you are going to yell stupid things, at me, please share it with your other friend. Also when you get ready to yell at me for something valid, please calmly warn me first."

I said this, it works. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Hi T1,
You have to be coping, I believe you are over the hump, and doing better, but it's just a feeling.

You have direction, and goals, and friends. Plus, you have something inside that keeps you going. John Wayne called it grit, and I think it's plain that you do have it.

You not spoken much lately about your search for God, but I hope you have felt his assistance these last few weeks, and that you do feel it now as I reafirm that he is real, and that he loves you. His help can take many forms, and I think Orchid works for him, though she probably does not see a pay check for it. At least not the kind we usually think of.

Good luck on your run, can we count on you to be under three hours?

Saturday morning when the 3,000 plus people go by our station, I'll think about you, and how brave you are.

All the best,

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>Hi T1,
.....You not spoken much lately about your search for God, but I hope you have felt his assistance these last few weeks, and that you do feel it now as I reafirm that he is real, and that he loves you. His help can take many forms, and I think Orchid works for him, though she probably does not see a pay check for it. At least not the kind we usually think of.....

All the best,

SS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope so, SS. At least I hope he thinks so.

All of us with a right heart in the right direction can work for the most caring and intelligent person in the universe. When and how may vary but the intent is the same: To bring comfort and support to those in need.

All comes around goes around. I received and now have a chance to give a bit. That's all.

T1, U R a great person. Keep your integrity and your wits about you. Lots of life is ahead for you. Don't lose sight of your goals.

'run the race to the finish.'

Hugz 2 u both,
L.

Can anyone tell me how I can control these angry feelings towards him. Sometimes it's just overwhelming and it's not going to do either of us any good if I express them. I don't know what to do about it. Any advice please?

T1,

Have you read the 5 stages of grieving?

5 stages of grieving

See if you recognize anyone from those posts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

T1,

Your anger is normal ... however don't act upon it, it is a sin. Ask him to leave b/c this is too much !. Also take a mini weekend getaway, you need to take a break from WH for now ...

-rh-

How did the race go? Hopefully nothing pulled or really sore today.
My sister in law is on crutches today. She pulled something at 19 miles but kept running anyway. My brother said his came at mile 22 feeling like a fish hook in his leg with someone pulling on the line. He finished but with 5:05 so he is kind of disapointed. My neighbor is 51 years old and he finsihed in 3:20 so he is still doing pretty good. He has run Boston twice and says he may do it again. We had 4600 people go by our station, and we got them all on film.

Now, the biggie. How are you doing today - this week. How are you doing on the anger?

I have had the anger problem for a long time myself. When in the middle of it, it seems perfectly logical to tell everyone just how I feel, but when it is over, I wonder why I didn't keep my mouth shut. I am learning to just keep quiet until the feelings pass and then discuss things when I can do it calmly and logically.

I am getting better, but I will say it is difficult. Sometimes I am right, and I have reason to be angry, but I find that anger doesn't help solve the problem, so I still wait until I can do it without anger.

Still praying for you.

SS

Hi There,
I finished the marathon and feel pretty good about my performance. I'm a bit sore today but not as bad as previous marathons and fortunately, I'm not on crutches or anything. I didn't qualify for Boston or anything, I'm not in that league yet but it was a PR (personal record) for me by about 17 minutes and I completed the second half in about exactly the same time as the first half which was another goal.

I struggled with sadness this weekend. Travelling alone and finishing the marathon with no one there to support me was pretty tough. I cried the whole walk back to my hotel afterward. This weekend I felt like I hated him for putting me through this. I kept running into people that know us both and everyone kept asking, "where's your husband" and then looked at me strange when I told them he decided to stay home. I'm so embarrassed about my situation and don't really want to discuss it with them but it made me very uncomfortable not being up-front.

Reaching a goal is not as fulfilling when you don't have anyone to share it with.

T1,

{{{{((((Cyber Hug))))}}}}. It is a great feeling when you reach your own milestone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You could share it with us anytime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm so embarrassed about my situation and don't really want to discuss it with them but it made me very uncomfortable not being up-front.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You might try to let them know that you have martial issues but declined to talk some more !. WHen they found out, they probably line up to take numbers to replace your H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . It is not your fault and you should not feel ashamed about it ... I have to explain to people that my W has left me for OM. It is her choice and I know I did everything possible to salvage my M.

What is next for you ? ... are you going to Boston to run for training anyway ?. My obsession with my 2 D skating has helped me a lot to focus something special <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

R U coming to Metreon next Saturday ?.

-rh-