Go Home

Be a Dad

Change your patterns - some new clothes or start working out, or mysteriously disappear some evenings...or all the above and more.

Be nice to your W but don't go out of your way doing things for her unless she asks and certainly don't expect any of your needs to fulfilled by her.

Let her see your changes, not hear from you that you have changed.

STOP spying... it does you NO GOOD right now.

STOP STOP and I will repeat this...STOP initiating any Relationship talk.

You are Love Busting (LB) all over the place right now and need to get yourself under control.

Cerri is a wonderful source of help here...listen to her

Finally, get some sleep.

Gib

L&C-

Hello. I just finished reading your thread here and I must say we seem to have a lot in common. My wife is going thru the same thing. She is having an EA with the divored guy two doors down. It's really tough, I've had alot of sleepless nights and cried alot of tears since labor day weekend (when I found out). Like you, I've been aware of our problems, and she has done a pretty good job of letting me know how unhappy she was for a long time. I thought things would just "get better" or that she was expecting to much...that she needed to be straightened out. But honestly, I didn't know where to turn or how to fix things, so I did nothing. I'm going thru the same emotions you are. If you want to, go back and read my threads. They started in Emotional Needs and moved over to Just Found Out. I know this is hard to deal with day in and day out but you have to be strong. And as hard as this is to even type, you NEED to protect her from you. Your anger, judgements, making her feel guilty are only making you look bad and giving her all the justification she needs for her actions. That needs to stop...NOW!!!

You've come to the right place, these people awsome. They are experts in this type of thing. And, if you listen to them and DO WHAT THEY SAY, you will have the best shot at saving your marriage. I've been told that it may take a couple of years to get it back, but that is nothing in the big picture of things. I think what you need to do first is get to your doctor and get some anti-depresants, they will help you level off the rollercoaster of emotions and help the emotional detachment. You need to be thinking and acting with a level head right now. Next I would gewt some good sleeping pills, you need to sleep. It does you no good to be up all night and stewing about things, there is plenty of time for that in the waking hours (besides, it only makes you feel bad). Another thing Anti-D's will do is allow you to eat again. The burning pit in you gut will do nothing but make you uncomfortable. Finally MOVE HOME...NOW!!! Like the others have said, let her move out if she wants.

Well, I gotta run. I'll check back later and see what you think about all this. Good Luck!!!

RJP

<small>[ September 21, 2003, 11:24 PM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

L&C

Sorry I had to cut short my last post, so I'll expound on here. In my humble opinion, being that we are going thru pretty much the same thing here, these are the things I would do first, at least, this is what I did and it seems to be working (when I take my own advice that is...)

1) Get to the doctor for the anti-d's. As I said earlier, they will help level off the emotional rollercoaster and help in the emotional detachment. Also, they will help you be able to eat again. I'm not big on pills myself, but I'm not big on depression, anxiety, or acting out of desperation either. They won't numb you from the pain, but they will let you take your mind off of it once in awhile, even if it's only for a second. And, they will allow you more control of your emotions. I still cry, but at least I can control my feelings enough not to cry around her. It only makes you look weak and clingy, if you ask me.

2) Sleeping pills. Again, I must admit that I don't like taking pills for a headache much less anything else. But, a guy needs his sleep. Staying up all night is not healthy and not productive in any way. I got a perscription from my doctor for some nice, non-narcotic, non-habit forming sleeping pills that seem to work pretty well. I still find myself waking up at 2 or 3 in the morning, but at least I'm able to fall quickly back to sleep. Before, I would be up worrying or pacing and crying the rest of the night. Sleeping pills combined with anti-d's work wonders. Trust me.

3) Get the books: Surviving An Affair, Love Busters, and His Needs, Her Needs and read them in that order. They are about $20 apiece at Barnes and Noble or I think you can buy the of the web site here. It was the best $60 I could spend. Read SAA two or three times. Then read all you can on this site about infedelity, Jennifer (Dr. Harley's daughter and co author of SAA) told me there are some changes to the process that will be added to later additions of the book. Mostly in the Plan A/Plan B sections, so be sure to read up on them here as well.

4) Move back home...NOW!!! I didn't move out, but my W has asked a couple of times for me to. Your kids need you, and you will find some comfort in your kids. Be their dad. If your wife moves out, let her. If she goes over to OM (other man) house, tell her how you feel and that you wish she would stay, but if she's at all like my W, she'll go anyway. Let her, she is an adult and you can't control her actions.

5) Read up on the 4 rules to marriage, found on this site and in the books. It sounds like you need to really start following the rule of protection with your wife. That means you need to be protecting her from your anger, guilty comments, judgements, ect... Without doing this, you might as well pack her bags.

6) As Cerri says, put on your duck suit and let her comments role off you back. Don't believe anything she says regarding the marriage, what she wants from you, how she feels about what your doing to save this, or about the A. Believe only half of what you see. She will do and say many things to make you uncomfortable enough to leave or to goad you into a fight. I fell victim to this tonight (see my latest post for details), its been a rough day in this household!

7) You need to get psyched up for the long haul, you can't put things back to normal in a week or even a month. This may take years. You need to plan to work and work the plan. See info on Plans A & B. Think about time lines for the plans. Stop all LB's and meet the needs she'll let you meet. You need to make the home and the M an emotional safe place for her. Listen to the conversation. If she wants to talk, listen. You don't initiate any relationship talk, no begging, no guilt, no questions.

8)This is without a doubt, the single most important thing I could tell you. GET THE PROFFESIONAL HELP. Hook up with Steve or Jennifer from MB, or Cerri. With the exception of Cerri (I think), these people are ametures. They are all well intentioned and most have been there and done that, but none are proffesionals. You are playing with fire here, and if you keep F'n up your gonna blow it for good. Pay the money and get the help. Believe me, it is expensive, but well worth it. You want to do this right. Keep posting to get clarifications and a much needed pep talk here and there, these folks really do care, but there is no substitute for the real deal. Get proffesional help right away.

Ok, now that I got all that of my chest, the pep talk is over. Really, keep posting, I find it helps on those especially dark days, and we're gonna have planty of those ahead. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just ahve to be willing to wait out the ride until you get there.

Good Luck!
RJP

<small>[ September 22, 2003, 12:19 AM: Message edited by: RJP ]</small>

RJP,

Thank you for your posting .. I'm trying to follow some of the advice. L&C

ok here is what I have found out in the past two days..

I decided to believe in and trust my wife. ( denial ? maybe who knows .. ) My wife has never made me not trust her befor this.. So I have nothing to build my mistrust on other then my jealousy of her talking to the neighbor. I spoke with her sister and we talked for about an hour and she told me what her sister has said to her and that what is going on in our marriage has nothing to do with another man . She does not believe that my wife is having an affair and that if she is talking to this other person it is to make me fight for her. To show her that I do love her and want to fix things.. that I want to be her husband. I LOVE MY WIFE. I have to give her this trust and believe in her .. that's what part of marriage is all about. My wife and her sister are best friends .. when my wifes ex beat her she would call her sister and talk to her about it. I think that if my wife had an A she would have told her sister. They do not keep anything from eachother .. and I mean anything. Her sister is not the type that wouldn't tell me. She likes me but she is a very straight tell it how it is person.
My wife came down to where I was working .. we had a town event that I was working at. She brought the girls down to see me .. We had a great time together, my wife and I shared an Ice Cream cone together .. it was a good day.
My wife and I had a huge heart to heart about the neighbor, her , if she was having an A. She told me no. I believe her .. She said that what is wrong is that she doesn't want to be the only one in the relationship taking on the chores and responsibilities. I don't blame her .. as I said befor I didn't show her the way I feel . Not in the right ways. I am going to fight for my relaitionship with my wife. I love her and god help me I believe her.
We talked last night on the phone a bit. I called and wished the kids a goodnight (no I haven't moved back yet.) She told me that her sister had called her last night and told her about me calling. I knew she would .. My wife seemed less resentful towards me .. she told me she does love me. I think her sister must have told her some of the things I said to her. She must have told my wife how much I love her and want to fix our marriage. She must have told her how much pain and hurting I am going thru. I hope that it's not to late for us to work things out .. I have to go I'm going to go to the Docs office and then actually try and get some sleep. Thank you everyone for responding and posting .. I know some might think I'm crazy or in denial. I do not have any proof and until I actually get some proof or she tells me that she has. I have to have faith in her .. otherwise why even fight? Why be married if I don't trust in her.. I love her .. I'll keep everyone updated.. L&C

Wow, well I'm happy for you that things seem to be going well and you are doing better. But, do you remember the jist of the emotional detachment...??? You can't slave yourself to her reactions or actions. Her fog may have lifted a bit, she has come to her senses...for now. I'm not trying to discourage you...not in the least. But you have to be careful..for you. You need to remember the rule of protection. It stands to reason that if you are lifted when her fog is light, you will crash when it comes back...and it will.

I've read that the definition of an affair is when a spouse has ANY of their most important emotional needs meet by somebody other than their spouse. I'm sorry to tell you this, but conversation, especially for women IS often their most important ewmotional need.

And trust, trust is not blindy believing what your spouse tells you without any supporting data to back it up. Trust is having the faith to be vaulnerable with your spouse and knowing they will protect you from themselves. Marriage has to be transparent.

Really, I'm not trying to bring you down, I'm just look'n out for ya. We are in the same boat here and it seems the details are amazingly similar. My wife denied anything going on for weeks. Despite evidence to the contrary, I was dragging her home from this guys house at 3 and 4 in the morning!!! She insisted they where "just friends". You need to move home, I can't beat that to death enough. Move home now. And get some professional help.

Keep in touch, good luck, I'm praying for you.

RJP

Hey there L&C,

I decided to believe in and trust my wife. ( denial ? maybe who knows .. )

Whoa..... trust is not about blindly believing what one person tells you simply because they say it is so... it's about knowing that your feelings and concerns are being taken into account with every choice. If she is still talking to this guy then her actions are saying loud and clear that the way you feel is not going to make a difference when she makes her choices.

Without good hard information that says you are being protected it's not trust, it's ignorance.

My wife has [b]never made me not trust her befor this.. So I have nothing to build my mistrust on other then my jealousy of her talking to the neighbor. [/b]

Let me tell you a little story. I was a Sunday school teacher, choir director at our church, and as obsessively honest as they come... and yet I had an A with my H's best friend. The very last person anyone would imagine possible of being able to do such a thing. It's not about how wonderful your wife is....I'm sure she's a fabulous person.... it's about an addiction that happens very gradually and that sucks the integrity right out of you.

I spoke with her sister and we talked for about an hour and she told me what her sister has said to her and that what is going on in our marriage has nothing to do with another man . She does not believe that my wife is having an affair and that if she is talking to this other person it is to make me fight for her.

It's possible that's the case. But it got your attention so end it already!! Also, be wary of friends and family... they've been known to lie and to cover for affairs far too many times.

To show her that I do love her and want to fix things.. that I want to be her husband. I LOVE MY WIFE. I have to give her this trust and believe in her .. that's what part of marriage is all about.

You need to address the things you did that contributed to the deterioration of the marriage, but you sure as heck don't need to trust her. I don't trust my hubby and I hope he doesn't trust me. We are ALL hardwired to have affairs. It's part of the human condition. We need openess, honesty and accountability if we are to keep our marriages safe.

My wife and her sister are best friends .. when my wifes ex beat her she would call her sister and talk to her about it. I think that if my wife had an A she would have told her sister.

And I think it's very possible the sister would encourage her to do what ever makes her happy in the moment and to cover for her. Look at it this way, if your wife is painting you as the bad guy why on earth would the sister give out any info to you? All her loyalty, misguided though it might be, lies with her sister, your wife. This woman is not an ally for you or your marriage.

My wife came down to where I was working .. we had a town event that I was working at. She brought the girls down to see me .. We had a great time together, my wife and I shared an Ice Cream cone together .. it was a good day.

This is good. That's what you need to do. Not talk about the marriage and what went wrong, but to reconnect. Of course, you still need to be honest about how you feel in the present.

My wife and I had a huge heart to heart about the neighbor, her , if she was having an A. She told me no. I believe her ..

NO ONE ever admits to an affair. Most lie even when confronted with irrefutable evidence... sometimes even when caught in the act.

She said that what is wrong is that she doesn't want to be the only one in the relationship taking on the chores and responsibilities. I don't blame her .. as I said befor I didn't show her the way I feel .

Uhhhhh.... she's not talking about hearing your feelings here.... she's giving you valuable information about meeting needs that you need to find a way to do. Domestic support is a big thing, and it's not about just helping out... it's about taking responsibility for the home and the children and removing some of the burden from her shoulders.

We talked last night on the phone a bit. I called and wished the kids a goodnight (no I haven't moved back yet.) She told me that her sister had called her last night and told her about me calling. I knew she would .. My wife seemed less resentful towards me .. she told me she does love me.

This is really good. So when are ya movin' back?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I hope that it's not to late for us to work things out ..

Not even close to the too late mark. You can do this.

C

Well I'm back - Still Lost & Confussed as ever. Cerri, I'm not going blindly. I am taking steps to find out if there is an A. I know by putting more trust in my wife I'm setting myself up for a bigger fall.

my wife came home tues night and woke me up .. I was pretty groggy because I still haven't been sleeping . Durring the day my daughter had told me that she heres them talking at night on the phone and that sometimes mommy cries. She also asked me if OM was going to be her new daddy. This tore my heart out. Now my daughter is 4 years old and she isn't likely to come up with this on her own. (but she is very smart) So I figure it must be his daughter that said something my daughters. She was there when I went to his house and him and I yelled at eachother. Well since I was tired and groggy I said the first thing that came to my mind. which was what the F&^%$ are you doing with this guy. She looked at me in complete suprise ... and I told her what my daughter said **except the part about him being her new daddy ** She said there was nothing going on. She asked me a bunch of questions about why I never showed them I loved them and why now ...then she fell asleep.
So I wrote her a letter later that night. I saw her the next morning and was going to give her the letter.. she was headed to our preschool .. so I followed her over there and when she came out she looked upset. Well she was like hey .. I said hello and told her that I had a letter for her she said give it to me , I told her I would rather be there when she read it she got mad and left. I followed her to the house and told her all I wanted to do was give her this letter and she said do you really think this is helping ? Well I told her about seeing a counsler and that what the person said and we had a long drawn out emotional talk and fight.She told me at this point that she needed to tell me something .. my stomach dropped. I thought she was going to say she had an A.. instead she told me that she just isn't in love and wants this to end. I already knew this. I'm going to keep trying.

Well later that day she told me that she thought we should tell the girls why I'm not in the house.. I said ok.
I started to tell them .. but couldn't I started crying my girls were giving me hugs trying to make me feel better. My wife started telling them I cried harder then the the girls started crying then my wife started crying .. I walked over to her and got down on my knees in front of her and held her. I told her that ten years is a long time to throw away and she should just give me the chance to prove to her that I do love her and the girls. All she did was shake her head yes.
That was yesterday .. so I quess I'll see where I'm at later today. Thank you again everyone who gives me advice.. I am trying to listen but I'm also trying to follow my heart .. and until I know for sure if there is or isn't A. I'm going to keep trying to show my wife I love her. I'll add more to this post in a while I have to go pick my daughter up

Sometimes people get GREAT advice but just keep going forward blazing thier own trail...

L&C - we've been in those same woods and know the paths. I'm not saying you are destined to fail, I'm just saying you are severly limiting your chances at reconciliation with your current approach.

I remember the pleading stage...

I remember the crying stage...

I remember the control stage...yes that's right, the control stage. The I want to be with you when you read my letter kind of stuff...

None of them really got us on the right path, until I started making ME a better person using Plan A.

L&C, she's running from the way you have been acting. Go ahead and keep acting this way if you want her to keep running...

Gib

I agree with Gibby, except for the statement that PlA is about making you better, it's not. That's part of it, but nearly the whole picture. PlA is a strategy to end the affair.... eliminating love busters and doing what you can to meet needs is part of that but it's not the essence of PlA... any more than eggs are the essence of cookies simply because they are an ingredient.

Following your heart generally gets you into trouble in marriage. Our instincts are not balanced... they are either all the way to the Giver side or all the way to the Taker side of the equation. What you need is a plan to get you on track and where you need to be. Right now you're kinda flopping about.

So, if she said you get another chance, take it and run with it. Don't ask again, just do it. Move back in and start making sure you are avoiding all LBers... do you have the book? I would order it today if you don't. I'd also get His Needs Her Needs and really take it to heart.

The way you show your wife you love her is by avoiding things that cause her pain.... not discomfort, but pain... demands, disrespect, angry outbursts, dishonesty, independent and annoying behaviors.

And you meet the needs she will allow you to meet right now. Don't push, don't cling and for heaven's sake don't do the follow her like a puppy thing. Start with being a good parent, contributing financially and taking on responsibility for the home. Read my latest newsletter on Conversation and apply what's in there. See how far that takes you.

C

I agree with Gibby, except for the statement that PlA is about making you better, it's not. That's part of it, but nearly the whole picture. PlA is a strategy to end the affair.... eliminating love busters and doing what you can to meet needs is part of that but it's not the essence of PlA... any more than eggs are the essence of cookies simply because they are an ingredient.

Following your heart generally gets you into trouble in marriage. Our instincts are not balanced... they are either all the way to the Giver side or all the way to the Taker side of the equation. What you need is a plan to get you on track and where you need to be. Right now you're kinda flopping about.

So, if she said you get another chance, take it and run with it. Don't ask again, just do it. Move back in and start making sure you are avoiding all LBers... do you have the book? I would order it today if you don't. I'd also get His Needs Her Needs and really take it to heart.

The way you show your wife you love her is by avoiding things that cause her pain.... not discomfort, but pain... demands, disrespect, angry outbursts, dishonesty, independent and annoying behaviors.

And you meet the needs she will allow you to meet right now. Don't push, don't cling and for heaven's sake don't do the follow her like a puppy thing. Start with being a good parent, contributing financially and taking on responsibility for the home. Read my latest newsletter on Conversation and apply what's in there. See how far that takes you.

C

Well - I just found out the truth .. I was wrong. My wife IS having an EA and possibly PA - I think they did something but decided to wait until I'm out of pic for anything more... I don't know.. I looked at plan A but do not understand what I'm supposed to do .. anyone feel like giving me the steps? thanks

Do the reading I emailed you about and then this is the outline I use with clients. Also read the sections on love busters and emotional needs.... lbers is more important at this point though.

Plan A
Generally I have people do PlA in this order of importance and as much as possible simultaneously :

Eliminate love busters... demands, disrespect, losing temper, dishonesty (this includes withholding info particularly about how you feel), independent/annoying behaviors.

Confront with what you know, how you know it and how you feel about the things she is doing - really just being honest, but it seems I need to say this part explicitly.

Expose the affair/relationship/friendship to friends, family, church, coworkers and anyone else that might have some influence to encourage her to stop what she is doing and recommit to the marriage.

Meet needs as allowed. Often you won't be able to meet the intimate needs such as affection that is overt. You can create an atmosphere that is calm and caring but probably not romantic. However the needs of DS, FC, FS... all of these are needs that you are usually allowed to continue to meet, and the ones that are missed the most when Plan B is implemented.

C

Well later today ( and as you see I'm still not sleeping )is the day I'm going to find out if I have a wife or not.. I'm going to confront her. Tell her what I know and give her a choice .. I'm going to move back in today also .. wish me luck or last min advice.. L&C

Two hours to go .. I don't think I've ever been this nervous (really should have gotten some anti D's) I'm going to try and avoid any LB's. I'm going to talk with her .. problem is everytime we "talk" she thinks we are fighting or so she told OM. I'm very calm and numb at the moment (emotionally) but nervous. Why is that? It actually scares me more then being mad .. at least if I was mad I'd understand how I'm feeling .. part of me wants to go on ignoring this and not say anything to her. At least that way she would still be in my life and so I don't lose her.. Sad I know .. but I do love her and I think she is going to walk away. I think that I already lost her and she isn't going to come back.
God I only hope she realizes what we have and not walk away from ten years and two beautiful children.
Should I try and make her feel quilty? Is that LB? I want her to realize what she is losing.. I'm going to check back one more time before I go .. I'm going to stop bye the church and listen to a speach there that is related to this. Then I'm going to go to my house and talk with my wife .. L&C

L&C -

How did it go? And if you happen to read this before you talk to your wife, please don't try to make her feel guilty. Listen, listen, listen some more, and then listen. She'll say some things that stun and amaze you, and probably some things that hurt a great deal. But don't throw it back at her. Just listen and listen some more. If you have to say anything, ask questions -- ask for examples, ask her to expand, and ask her to explain.

And then listen some more. Think of it as gathering data for a project you're working on. You don't know the conclusions yet, you're just gathering information. Listen, listen, listen.

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 08:42 AM: Message edited by: Just J ]</small>

L&C,

U say what you need to say for U. Know that no matter what you say, she may take it the wrong way. Just be as civil as possible and don't go with her flow of babbling (unreasonable talk).

If she makes accusations, screams, yells, realize she is talking about herself and her issues but using your name and blaming you. Remember that when someone points the finger of blame erroneously, 3 fingers point back at them.

In this case, the point of your discussion is to help not blame so work from that perspective.

All the best.
L.

Hope your weekend went better then mine. I confronted my wife and she started to deny it. But I stopped her and told her I knew.
to please stop lying to me. I told her that even though all of this went on that I still loved her and wanted to work things with us out.
She told me that she couldn't ever go back to where we were and that she had messed everything up. I told her yes but it was both of us and not just her that did ...
She told me that she just didn't want to fix things with us and that she was glad I knew.. I told her that I'm going to move back in. she got mad and said I was trying to trap her. Trap her by telling her that if she wanted to work things out that we could but that if she wanted to carry on the affair that she could but that what ever she decided that she was not going to take the girls with her. She got upset and said that I was using them to try and trap her into staying with me. I told her I wasn't. I told her that until she figured out what she wanted that the girls should stay in the house. I told her that I was not kicking her out that if she chose to leave that it was up to her. See I found out that she had been putting our children down to sleep and then sneaking over there to be with him. After a couple of times like this She had went out and bought a baby monitor so that they could here if one of the girls got up. I told her that the affair was clouding her judgement. My wife never would have done such a thing. She told me she still wants the divorce and that we are going down in morning to file ... She wants to file joint so that neither of us have to worry about the other trying to get the house and property . We are also going to go and put the house up for sale. I'm at a friends house at the moment but am planning on going home in a little while. I don't want to .. after the things I heard and knowing he is right next door .. The more I think about it.. I'm the one that is the loser here.. I've lost my wife and my family. I think I finally have hit bottum. She is so angry and mad at me .. I told her I love you she said she hates me .. I ordered surviving an affair from the local library ( don't know when it will be in) I did speak with other man on the phone .. after she said a bunch of things to me that was meant just to hurt me I got mad and went to his house to confront him. My wife followed me over there and he wouldn't anwser the door. which is probably a good thing ... I'm still numb. We went back to the house and she tried calling him which made me mad again and after he anwsered I took the phone from her and told him what I thought of him and how little of a man I thought he is. I don't think it made me feel any betterr.. and I know it didn't help things with my wife .. I just felt so helpless about the whole thing. I know I shouldn't have yelled at him but I already had been told that she didn't want things to work out .. anyway that is what happened. I made a deal with my wife that if she stops all contact with him until we are divorced that I'll not make it hard on her and that we will try and do this smoothly. It was her idea not mine. I doubt that she will stop callling him but ... I figured it wouldn't hurt to say yes.

<small>[ September 28, 2003, 06:36 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

Ok, the confrontation happened. As you can see it brought some resolution (exposure) and it will deflate the A.

Her anger to you was expected. You need to let her know that her actions are conterproductive to the family unit and if she chooses the A over the family then she needs to go find another place to live without the children. The children should not be forced out of their home because her of A.

As for the D, imho let her do the dirty work. Don't lift a finger but do find out your options and protect your assets. Many a WS are willing to render their families homeless in pursuit of the A.

Consult a lawyer immediately. Do not do the D for her. Let her figure it out. Many a WS try to make the BS feel guilty so the BS will do the dirty work for the WS. Even if she was not this way before, you'd be surprised the amount of energy a WS will pour into this futile excercise. DON'T let her make you do what you don't want to do. Remember she may like to say you can't control her, well same goes for her.

take care, it will be rough for a while but you are building your support group and seem to be holding better ground. Don't underestimate the love of your children. Reassure them of your love. Let them know that you will not be leaving them. If they ask about their mom, be as honest as you can but don't make excuses for her. Children can handle the truth, how you present it is important. Don't lie to your children.

L.

L&C,
you actually made a pretty shrewd deal with her, wheather you realize it or not! remember it ain't ever over till the fat lady sings...and between now, the filing and the actuale divorce, there's plenty of time to show her the errors in her current thought process.

first and foremost, get your self home and back into that house...and don't ever leave again for any reason. it's your home, they are your children and she is still your wife!

then i would capsulate your verbal agreement with your W into a written document...NO! not one that's legally binding but a simple letter that stipulates as to how you two are going to handle this thing. a letter of joint agreement if you will!

work on it together...negotiate the terms so to speak...so she gets what she wants only if she lives up to her end of the bargain.

she's already agreed to give up all contact with the OM (for the time it takes to get divorced)and if you can get her to live up to it and send him a letter to this effect, then you can plan A her till the cows come home!

this is just maybe what it will take to help her to get out of the "foggy bog" she's currently in.

don't despair or give up! things may look bad but you are actually in a far better position then you were 4 or 5 days ago.

just please remember this. things worth saving or having never come easy...

good luck.
coach