I have no legal recourse to kick her out. I spoke with a friend of mine that is a Police man and he said that until the judge signs our Divorce papers at the first hearing that they are not in effect yet. So she actually isn't in contempt yet.. [Confused]

She knows as well as I do that I can't kick her out .. same as she can't kick me out. I will NOT leave because of the abandonment to my family law and also because I am not going to let her carry on the A that easily. At the moment she has problems seeing OM because he works durring the day.. and I'm here at night so.... the only time they have been able to keep seeing each other is on the weekend when I'm at work .. but that hopefully will change. I had an interview with a company yesterday. It looked good, wish me luck! If I get that job she is going to really hate me because I will quit the Weekend job! She can go out on weekends and do what she wants but not with our children.

She is sitting here trying to pick a fight with me .. Telling me that no matter what I do it is not going to matter. That she hates me .. and that I don't love her.

She kept trying to fight and I started laughing at her in her face .. can't imagine why ..( All I keep hearing is blah blah blah ) but she got upset about it. She was like whats so funny .. I said you. and walked away . well then she heard me rustling around with a laundry bag and she thought I was in her stuff so she came storming in yelling what the F are you doing. She got an inch from my face and was yelling at me .. I told her to back up and she said make me .. I laughed at her and walked forward a little bit she pushed her hand over my face and pushed me back .. she did this like four times and finally I grabbed her arm and pushed it away.. she looked at me and said thank you .. she said don't you think I want you to hurt me. I said like I ever would. I told her to go a head and call the cops it was self defense .. she said oh like they are going to believe you. Like you need to defend yourself from me ..

OK I have two serious questions

#1. I need some help on figuring out what to say to WW family. I've decided that I am going to talk to them. I don't know if it is the right thing to do or not but I quess at this point it can't hurt any.

#2. Should I give my wife SAA ? would it even help? I don't know that she would read it .. but she might. Is this wrong? should I let her in on what I'm doing?

L&C,
Can you get a nanny cam and maybe catch some of this crap your wife is pulling on tape?

That would be an excellent idea. It would give you proof of her actions. It's not that you would HAVE to use it...but you'd have it tucked away in case things got ugly and you needed to get your children out of that situation.

I have not done the nanny cam thing but I did carry a small voice activated tape recorder for a couple of days.. She talked about the A and a bunch of other stuff. I think I even got one of her fights on there.
I am trying not to do anything like that because she takes it as building a case against her to take the kids away .. and not trying to fix things.

This morning she had to get a baby picture of our youngest out for school.. well I sat down next to her when she was looking at the albulms. I started paging through .. and said wowo do you remember all these times. She looked at me and said yes and smiled .. I started crying .. I got up and left the room but I think she saw me .. I tried not to cry in front of her but it hit me all at once.

Somedays.. she is so normal.. The woman I love and married and other days .. WOW what did you do with my Wife. I miss the one I married...

Same here man, same here. I feel your pain.

I think it's fine that she saw that you were emotional about looking back at picture. It will bring about more guilt and confusion, however...which in the long term isn't bad, but might make things even more tense for the short term. She'll feel bad, so she'll try to stir trouble to assure her she's making the right decision. It's all pretty textbook, and when you can see it, you'll be more prepared for it.

L&C - ok you are not doing a good Plan A, you are love busting all over the place and you are haven't done one of the essential pre-requisites of exposing the affair.

Have you confronted this guy?

Confronting your wife about what she is doing is NOT about bashing her and her judgments and priorities and values. It is about calmly and respectfully telling her what you know, how you know it and how you feel about it. If you can't do this calmly then you either need to be in PlB or an anger mgt program or both.

Now, if you want to save your marriage, you need to decide to put those out of control emotions on the back burner, get a plan and stick to it even when it feels way too scary to do.

Are ya sorry yet that you asked for my input? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Alright then, here is what PlA needs to look like:

Plan A
Generally I have people do PlA in this order of importance and as much as possible simultaneously :

Eliminate love busters... demands, disrespect, losing temper, dishonesty (this includes withholding info particularly about how you feel), independent/annoying behaviors.

Confront with what you know, how you know it and how you feel about the things she is doing - really just being honest, but it seems I need to say this part explicitly.

Expose the affair/relationship/friendship to friends, family, church, coworkers and anyone else that might have some influence to encourage her to stop what she is doing and recommit to the marriage.

Meet needs as allowed. Often you won't be able to meet the intimate needs such as affection that is overt. You can create an atmosphere that is calm and caring but probably not romantic. However the needs of DS, FC, FS... all of these are needs that you are usually allowed to continue to meet, and the ones that are missed the most when Plan B is implemented.

~~~~~

Your biggest enemy right now is you and your emotions. Get them under control and get to work on a real Plan A. Forget what she says, if you base your actions on that, you will fail.

C

...Yeah!!!!.....what she said... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Cerri,

How is everything at home? Hope everything is getting better.

I am never sorry that I asked for your input? I apperciate your opinions and experience.

Posted by Cerri
Have you confronted this guy?

Yes .. once on the phone and once in person. I also went and talked with his boss I asked him to talk with OM. ( I used to work there.. )

Posted by Cerri
"If you can't do this calmly then you either need to be in PlB or an anger mgt program or both."

It may seem like I am always yelling or fighting with her on here because of how or what I say .. but I am not. I know ealier in my post I used to say I yelled at her ( in the first week ) .. well then I did actually yell.. I don't react that way anymore. When we get into fights I do not raise my voice, I calmly tell her that I do not want to fight. If we actually do get into a fight I tell her that I am sorry for the way she feels. I calmly explain how I feel about the things she is doing. I try not to LB at all. I really am not an angry person - I rarley "yell" or even get mad. Most people think I am a very middle of the Road type of person.

Posted by Cerri
Expose the affair/relationship/friendship to friends, family, church, coworkers and anyone else that might have some influence to encourage her to stop what she is doing and recommit to the marriage.

OK here I am lacking and this is one of the questions I had emailed you and was waiting on.. I did read your post on this earlier today and do know how you feel .. I will email you with a question about it ..

Posted by Cerri
Meet needs as allowed. Often you won't be able to meet the intimate needs such as affection that is overt. You can create an atmosphere that is calm and caring but probably not romantic. However the needs of DS, FC, FS... all of these are needs that you are usually allowed to continue to meet, and the ones that are missed the most when Plan B is implemented.

This is pretty much what I have been doing but not talking about on the post ( Sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) I have been doing alot more around the house. As much as she will let me anyway. I have been paying as many bills as I can .. I am looking for a new job also. I can not honestly say that I have stopped all LBing but I am trying.

Again I want to say thank you for everyones help.. I really do appreciate it. I am trying to mainly focus on my children and myself at the moment..

here is the latest

My WW got mad at me last night for having a good time with the kids. My oldest wanted to make some mask ( Ballroom style ) so we went out and picked up the things we needed after school.

We started making the mask, she watched for a while then went to the store. When she came back they were done.. she started acting weird and I asked her what was wrong she said your doing all these great dad things and doing all these fun things with the kids.. and all I do is all the work. I said I'm sorry you feel like you do all the work, and you do alot of fun things with the kids .. They love you very much. she walked away.. that was pretty much the last thing she said to me for the night.

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

Could financial support be a big need for her? If she feels like you get all the play time and she's the one out earning all the money, that may be an area you can work on (IF it's the reality of the situation). On the up side..she did say you were being a good dad!

L&C,

LBing can be done in a calm voice or in an angry voice. You can LB with a voice like sugar. Please differentiate "being nice" from "not LBing". There are many differences. First, honesty is not always nice, but it is always necessary. (Of course this is sans LBs.) Also, sometimes we think we are being nice by offering assistance when we are actually being condescending by assuming assistance is needed.

Being nice/not yelling and not LBing are two entirely separate animals. Yes, yelling is an LB, but so are many other things. Yelling is not a prerequisite for something being an LB.

Hope you are hanging in there,
Takola

See I make more than she does in the Job that I do on weekends then she does all week. I AM looking for a weekday job .. there just are not many around that pay well enough to make it worth while. If I take a job that pays 6 dollars an hour and my daycare cost me 5 whats the point.. and believe me when I say 6 an hour .

Tak - you are right. I guess the best way to put it is I am "Nice" and not LB'ing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> at least I really try not too. I bite my tounge and walk away alot. But at least that way I'm not LB'ing. I do tell her how I feel so as to not let her walk all over me. But only in a nice way and to express how I feel and not to make demands.

The areas that I have been helping more in is in house hold areas .. Dishes, floors, ect.. getting kids ready for school, bed, making lunches .. those kind of things. If she is doing something I'll ask if she needs help with anything. But not in a condecending way. If she says NO I'll tell her ok. I'll ask her if there is anything I can help with too please let me know. Then I'll find something that I need to do. Most of the time I don't ask .. if she is putting grocerys away or getting them from car I'll just start helping her .. or dishes ect, ect. When I do this she'll normally say " I don't need your help" I'll say I know and then continue helping her anyway.

<small>[ October 30, 2003, 08:35 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

My WW knows I have been posting here and says she has read everything I posted. She says she is very upset with me about it. She said she feels betrayed that I would put her entire life on here and make her look like a bad spouse and mother.

She didn't come out and say it but she would like me to quit posting on here. I don't know what to do .. I love this woman so much and don't want to hurt her..

She thinks that plan A and B and this site is manipulating and controlling. I tried to tell her it wasn't that the only thing I'm doing is trying to show her how much I do love her and appreciate her and want her in my life.. as my best friend again and as my wife.

Ok, ask her to join in and share her side of the story (on another thread, sharing threads is a disaster).

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said she feels betrayed that I would put her entire life on here and make her look like a bad spouse and mother. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she say you have said anything here that was untrue? WAS anything you said here untrue? If not, then it is not YOU who have made her look like a bad spouse and mother. Her own actions have provided sufficient evidence. IMO, the POJA applies to marriages. When one spouse is in an affair, you don't have a marriage, you have a triangle.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong> [QUOTE] ...it is not YOU who have made her look like a bad spouse and mother. Her own actions have provided sufficient evidence. IMO, the POJA applies to marriages. When one spouse is in an affair, you don't have a marriage, you have a triangle. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here here John! I second that wholeheartedly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />


pssst...L&C...this is what I meant when I answer you by saying: "so what...she is mad...who cares..." DUDE...IT IS THE DAMN FOG!!!!!

<in soft but firm voice> now stop reacting and get you sorry a** in gear with your plan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (or at least make one, then get to work on it)

<small>[ November 04, 2003, 11:07 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

"She thinks that plan A and B and this site is manipulating and controlling."

So does she think that you're manipulating and controlling her? She's sleeping with another man! Perhaps you have to be a man to understand just how much that hurts. Doesn't sound like you're controlling her to me!

I've been requested to bump for Cerri... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks C!

bump

I will not give the details on here but she had me arrested last night .. I really do LOVE this woman .. I don't want to hurt her or my children but I do not know what I'm going to do now..

What happened was stupid on both of are parts. I know now that everything is over and that I am going to move on with my life .. For my childrens sake. I do love her and always will but can no longer suffer this pain inside..
I am done - No plan B, No plan A, just done - I will always love her but she has made it clear who and what she wants ,, fog or no fog.

The reason I'm on here today is because I can't go home for the next three days.. I can't see my children, get clothes,anything .. Unless she drops the restraining order ( which she won't so she can see him ) I hope it was all worth it for her. I hope that she has a nice life with who and whatever she decides..

thank you for all for the advice. I did follow it even though alot of you think that I didn't ..

I Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind, love is not jealous or boastful or rude. Love does not demand it's own way. Love is not irritable and keeps not record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever....