Star:

First off, just so you know, Cambridge is north (where I live) and Maple Grove is south (where W is). Sorry, just wanted to straighten that out. Second, I can't take the kids all work week. I will have to have somebody watch them. I work in Maplewood (also south, although on the opposite side of the Twin Cities than Maple Grove).

Lets put this in geometrical terms. The house, inlaws house and work all form a huge triangle covering the better part of the northern Twin Cities. Both in-laws and work are about 55 miles from home. Work and in-laws are about 26 miles from each other. So as you can see, I would have to drive all over the map to get the kid to school those days. Besides, I am adamant that they sleep in their own beds as much as possible...see the last post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, i would, and am prepared to, drop the kids off in the morning, turn around and get the kids to school on those days, come back to work for an hour, go back and pick up the kid and drop him off with W, go back to work for 2 hours, then go back to pick up kids and take them home. Did that make any sense? Anyway, I'm figuring that when I drop her off the auto insurance, she will not immeadiatly be able to cover the car. So, I will pick up the slack and make sure the kid gets to school.

<small>[ October 14, 2003, 02:54 PM: Message edited by: Want My Wife Back ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong>Ok, didn't we go over the whole "selling the house" thing yesterday? MAJOR financial penalties for that</strong>

Nine grand? In the scheme of things, that is not so major. Plus "your" half is only $4,500. Handling this Plan B wrong will cost you half your assets. Sit down and figure out how much that is.

That said, conversely, you could tell your W that you want to lease the house I suppose.

Also, have you actually SEEN your mortgage clause or are you assuming? That wasn't clear from what I read above. Pre-payment points are pretty rare for first mortages by mortgage companies...they are more common for second mortgages and home equity lines.

<strong> and the court will not take kindly to it if we head to a custody battle.</strong>

If you have a custody battle the SAHM is going to win over the worker dad everytime.

<strong>They need their friends in the nieghborhood.</strong>

At age 4 and 2?

<strong>I'd make the sacrifice to live next to that motherf*cker for the next 20 years if it was the right thing for the kids, assuming of course that she never came back.</strong>

Trust me, it is NOT the right thing for your kids. I've been in a neighborhood situation like that. Move. You can sit there and get eaten by stress from the OM right outside your window and die at 50 of ulcers and a heart condition or move on and start a new life.

<strong>I busted my butt to get our family into a nice home with a nice yard with a nice quiet nieghborhood. With the exception of one bad apple, the nieghborhood is everything we were looking for.</strong>

I think you are underestimating the effect of having the OM 2 doors down will have on your concept of a "nice neighborhood". Plus too many neighbors there are now drawn into your marital problems.

Too many people get to this stage and get hung up on "stuff". It is like the old joke about dividing the record collection when you break up.

Don't make this about stuff, about who stays in a given house or who "wins" or who can screw the other financially. Or if you are going to do that, just file for divorce, because with that attitude that is where it will end up.

I understand your reluctance to move, but look at the reality here. This half-measure Plan B is a guarantee of disaster. So how are you going to change it?

Alright, look. I don't mean to be waging war with you, but I feel I must defend my position here. While I can inderstand your point, and believe me when i say this...I have considered this myself many times over the last month, I still feel that AT LEAST until a judge tells me we are divorced the kids and myself are staying in this home. The most important, overriding reason is for the kids. They are really young. My 4 yo has had his mommy at home his whole life, my 2 yo is at the point where he should really be building a bond with his mommy. They need stability, more now than ever before. That means: their bedrooms, eating dinner in the same kitchen, playing in the same yard withthe same friends, Taking the dog on the same walks, going to the same preschool, even going to have pizza at the same pizza joint. It isn't about stuff, or even court battles. This is more than ANYTHING else about the kids and their best interest. They are the single most important thing to me right now. They are the reason the OM is still alive and I'm not rotting away in prison. They are the source of all my strength to fight for this when I don't think I can anymore. Moving them right now would be a terrible move for them. Secondly, in terms of a court battle, I need to provide them the most stable home enviornment I can. That means no moves. That means they sleep in their own bed every night. There will be plenty of time to split assests and move the kids around after this is all over. Now is not the time. If she gets a judge to tell me I have to sell the place to give her half of the equity, fine. That will be on her head. Not only did she rip apart their family life, she took their home away from them too.

I have no concern over quibbling about assests. We don't have too many anyway. Niether of us would com away with much. And if she wanted to play that way, we could divide up the debt too. There is PLENTY of that to go around! The point is, I'm not trying to stick it to her, not at all. This is for the kids. And, to a lesser degree, it is about me not making this any easier for her. Make her take all the steps, do all the leg work, suffer all the hardships. This is her doing, and I'm not doing it for her. As for the partial plan B, I think we can take care of that. She called up and started tocut into me about the open letter to her Dad on this site. I just let her go without saying anything to her. I will pick up and drop off the kids. I will no tgo into her folks house. I will not talk to her on the phone. I will not BS with her during times of pick up and drop off. We can turn this into a hardcore plan B if that is necessary, which I can see that it is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong>She called up and started tocut into me about the open letter to her Dad on this site. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Over and out. Strongly suggest you counsel with cerri off this board.

Best wishes,

Mike

simple...buy a whole bunch of dead bolt locks and put them on every door on the in-side of the house; for the rooms that you don't want her to be in...leave her access to the living room and kitchen for example and nothing else.

then send that not as suggested..about how painful you feel re: her prsenece. she will get the message after that...and she won't figure you for a wimp!

OR go out and get that restraining order preventing her from coming into YOUR HOME! a bad idea you think? why? because she will construe it to be and LB? please! at this point the very fact that you are able to breath is an LB as far as she's concerned!

coach

I live right next too you in Wisconsin and I do agree with you on staying in the house even though it is creating conflict. Wisconsin has almost the same laws as far as moving it is considered abandenment to your wife, house and kids. .. and he WILL lose in court.
I'm not trying to give advice here. I have my own problems .. but yours and mine seem close to the same. The OM my wife had A with is the next door neighbor .. and I'm reminded everytime I drive home and see his house. I am putting my house up for sale no matter what because even though I've worked hard to get it and I like my house .. I just can't live here. Are you through a bamk or financial institute>? We went thru a financial institute and then changed over to a bank with no penalties. You might want to consider that option .. hope things get better for you. L&C

Hey L&C, how about those Packers eh!!!

Sorry, just giving you a hard time. I plan to sell our house too, but after this is all over. My W's OM is two doors down. I have to drive past his house every time I come or go from home. Plus, he has very loud exhaust on his truck, so I know every time he comes or goes. It sucks.

I'm in a sort of down, ranting mood wondering if it (the M) is worth all of this. I don't know why I'm in this mood, but I am. I'm just feeling like, there are so many other fish in the sea, why am I allowing myself to continually be hurt and devastated by this one? Pride is telling me that I should just let her go, I don't need to put up with this...I can do better. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. She is my world. And, I love my family, I can't stand the thought of my kids having to split time with us and get shuffled around on holidays. Their family being ripped apart at the seams, it just makes me sooo angry at her. I just want to f*cking slap her silly. Why do I want to be with someone like this?

I plan on keeping up the fight, but it just seems kind of hopeless right now.

Hey Neighbors!!! Just dropping in to say hi. Didn't read the updates... we have some family things that are taking some extra time. Hopefully will be resolved in the next week or so and then I can indulge my MB addiction once again.

C

WMWB - no problem on being on those threads.. hey if you want to email me you are more then welcome too. I'm going to set up a email account on hotmail just for that.. My WS knows that I've been on here so I don't want to use my normal email.
My email will be Lost_Confussed@hotmail.com

My children are 4 and 6 - both are absoulute great kids!!

L&C

That sounds like a good idea, maybe I'll do the same.

My kids are 4 and 2, they are a couple of awesome boys. I love being around them. Our 4 yo has asked some tough questions lately. I've been answering him honestly. He wanted to add a special blessing to our prayers last night, for Mommy and so taht she will come home soon. It just kills me to look into their eyes and see the pain this is causing them. There is nothing I can to to ease the pain for them or to bring her back. It just really sucks.

WMWB: I've been following your threads and feel somewhat like the proverbial peeping tom. I'm in the same boat as you with a WW that wants out. I've hit rock bottom on so many occasions that I've actually started to decorate it. I've invested so much of myself in the relationship that I was no longer able to function without the help of AntiD's. I've never been an advocate of them and have steadfastly refused to take them before, but I gave too much and was in too deep. The reason I'm telling you this is because now that I've been on them I have a much clearer picture of what's going on. I think you need to see this picture. I'm able to seperate my feelings and pull myself out of the dark fantasy that had become a living nightmare. Sure I'm still sad, sure I still want it to work, but there's a bouncy thing at rock bottom now and the muck doesn't seem to cling so much anymore.

Thanks for the insight, actually I've been on the anti-d's for about a month now. They work pretty well, I'd be an absolute wreck without them. But it still cuts me deep when I see the hurt and confusion in my kids eyes. It just doesn't seem to affect the W at all, like she has the attitude that they just need to get over it. I've said this a couple of times so forgive the redundancy, but I just don't see myself being able to forgive her for what she is doing to those boys. This is the only thing about the A and her behavior that really makes me angry. The betrayal, mistrust, trampled feeling...I can get ver all that and forgive her. It hurts liek hell, but I'm not angry about it. What she is doing to the kids makes me ANGRY.

WMWB - how's it going? I read your other post .. sorry about today. I just wanted to stop in and see how you were doing and to say Hi- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L&C-

I just added an update to it, check it out. We had an eventful morning. She spent the night with the OM, I'm sure that if it wasn't a PA it is now. I asked per why she was F*cking around on her marriage. She replied that there is no marriage anymore. This sucks, no remorse from her, no consideration, nothing. She just keeps throwing this thing in my face, again and again. It's kind of a long story, but she slapped me this morning and I called the cops on her, more for the report than to press charges. I have this feeling that we are headed to an ugly custody battle in the near future.

I know it was petty and stupid for me to call the cops, but I'm just not going to be bullied around by her anymore. I've been walking on egg shells for abour 5 years now. I'm tired of it. If she is going to be a hot head and get violent, she can deal with the legal implecations of it.

It all seems so hopeless right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:

I've been walking on egg shells for abour 5 years now. I'm tired of it. If she is going to be a hot head and get violent, she can deal with the legal implecations of it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This last statement of yours confirms something I suspected about abusive WS's (having lived once with one) which is that their behavior was far from exemplary prior to their affair.

While it may seem petty and stupid to you in having the police involved, it was actually a very smart choice to make because the more you tolerate her abusive violent behavior, the worse it is going to get. And if your marriage does go into divorce with a bitter custody fight, then you will have tangible evidence to show the court about her abusive behavior which could be transferred to your kids if she gets custody of them. You may want to reconsider getting a RO against your W citing violence against you for this also will be another way of showing the court how unfit she is as a parent. I did this too when my X-WW and I were getting divorced, and I was granted custody of our two daughters.

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 11:56 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong>It's kind of a long story, but she slapped me this morning and I called the cops on her, more for the report than to press charges. I have this feeling that we are headed to an ugly custody battle in the near future.</strong>

I'm sorry things are going this way.

The physical violence and the breaking the window to gain entry probably make a TRO a lead pipe cinch. It might be a good idea in order to truly enforce the Plan B.

Believe it or not, her life is under a lot of pressure right now. Not many affairs stand up to the light of day and the guilt and sudden pressure to fill multiple needs. Stay cool and hang in there..

I know, thanks Mike...no hard feelings about our last little exchange regarding me moving...???...are we cool???

Anyway, for what it is worth, I thnik you may be more right about that (me selling the house) than I cared to admit. Having her over there 3 out of the last 4 nights, all day yesterday, and actually spending the night last night is getting REALLY hard to see right under my nose. I'm in contact with my attorney to see how we can make that happen and not look bad in the eyes of the court.

As for her behaviior, you are right again. She has, on occasion, gotten so angry that she has resoted to violence with me. It is rare, but it has happened...once while I was holding our then 3 month old son!!! (she almost hit him in the process). She is the type of person who resorts to angry outbursts right away to get her way, and if that doesn't work she then uses disrespectful judgements and says that I'm being controlling and keeping her under my thumb emotionally. It has been a problem our whole marriage. I'm not perfect, not by any means, but this has been a major thorn for some time.

I don't want to file for a restraining oreder against her. It may sound dumb, but I feel bad for her. I wish there were something I could do for her. She is hurting herself here far more than she could ever realize and I wish I could help her and save her from herself. I don't want to become the source of any more agony or pain for her. It may be necessary in the near future, but I really don't want to jump to it any sooner than I need to. By the way, the police reports have the sole intention of building a case for custody. I would have never called the cops before this if she slapped me. But this is getting to the point where I don't think her having custody is in the best interest of the boy's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want to file for a restraining oreder against her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then your Plan B may be dead in the water.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Want My Wife Back:
<strong> I know, thanks Mike...no hard feelings about our last little exchange regarding me moving...???...are we cool???</strong>

<snort> You have to work a lot harder than that to insult a New Yorker.

<strong>Anyway, for what it is worth, I thnik you may be more right about that (me selling the house) than I cared to admit. Having her over there 3 out of the last 4 nights, all day yesterday, and actually spending the night last night is getting REALLY hard to see right under my nose. I'm in contact with my attorney to see how we can make that happen and not look bad in the eyes of the court.</strong>

Long term, no matter the marital outcome, you will be happy living somewhere without the bad memories.

<strong>As for her behaviior, you are right again. She has, on occasion, gotten so angry that she has resoted to violence with me. It is rare, but it has happened...once while I was holding our then 3 month old son!!! (she almost hit him in the process).</strong>

Even more of a reason for the TRO.

Look, you have to realize that she is in the fog right now, but will come out of it sometime. It may seem very hard for you to believe right now, but it is quite likely that the future of your mariage lies more in protecting your remaining love than fretting about her ping-ponging emotions.

It has happened many times here that a WS snaps out of it and wants the marriage back, only to find that they are a week or a month or a year too late, and that their flagrant callous behavior during the affair wiped out the remaining love of the BS.

You sure look like a poster child for that right now.

You need to establish the Plan B boundaries so she isn't in your presence picking fights about soda. Perhaps a talking to by the cops would do it if you aren't up to a TRO right now.

<small>[ October 20, 2003, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: Mike C2 ]</small>

MIke

Go Yankees!!!! That was a nice game last night eh!!!

Anyway, i see your point about the TRO. It may be necessary for us to have any hope of getting thru this. And, on the house, I'm sure we are going to move...someday. I just wanted to wait for her to come back so that we could do it as a family. But that may not be feasable. Living this close and watching her actions with OM may just destroy all that I have left for her.